My son was only formally diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago as he entered 2nd year university, as he is very smart and was able to hide his issues in high school with good grades. I knew there were executive function issues since he was relatively young, but could never get a psychologist to give me a dignosis. This was made more difficult as he has a twin brother who has outstanding executive function skills. Only when a family member told me about is daughter's ADHD symptoms was I able to say "That is what my son has", and subsequently get it confirmed by an ADHD specialist organization.
My son is struggling terribly as he tries to become independent and has been vicious and nasty with me, since I have always been the primary parent and forced to be the bad cop, as his father (who I now understand also has ADHD), is a jellyfish parent. I don't know how much longer I can go on the way things have been going. So I am reaching out for support.
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It's difficult to deal with adult children who are acting this way.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 45, but like your son, I masked my ADHD well all through Elementary School, Middle School, and High School. I struggled in college, but didn't seek any academic assistance. (I thought I had to figure things out on my own, with just the help of my academic counselor. Not one of the academic counselors in had ever suggested that I get any assistance.)
So, I struggled, I floundered, I kept trying to do things the hard way. (My parents were supportive and encouraging, but they couldn't understand my struggles. They let me continue living with them into my mid-20s, as I tried college, dropped out, tried again dropped out to try to make a career work out, tried college again...and then got married and moved out.
Honestly, I wish that one of my parents had helped me get help, get an ADHD diagnosis, as you have with your son. But when I was that age, I would have resisted the idea that I have ADHD, because I considered it almost the same as a learning disability... And I was "smart", so I wouldn't consider myself to be disabled. But I know that I struggled, and I felt ashamed of my struggles, because I thought, "I'm smart, I should be able to figure this out." And even when I considered of getting help, I thought to myself, "no, professional help is for people who 'really' need it, for people with disabilities and mental disorders, not for me."
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The fact of the matter is that, I was prideful in my intelligence, and had that young male mindset that I needed to figure things out on my own.
Your son may be similar to how I was. Or he may be even more hard-headed. (I like to think I was a lot more guys my age, when I was in my early 20s.)
You can love him, accept him as he is, encourage him to get the help he needs...but he's an adult now, so he's going to make his own decisions, for better or for worse.
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I have my own 21 year old son. He was 18 when I got my ADHD diagnosis. He has all the same ADHD inattentive traits that I do in about the same severity. He acknowledges that he probably has ADHD, but he won't go get evaluated.
He dropped out of college after one year. He started working, got into a relationship, moved into an apartment with his girlfriend and a mutual friend of theirs.
He's now working two part time jobs to pay his bills, and he recently asked his girlfriend to marry him. (I was 26 when I married his mom.)
• His fiancee had ADHD and high functioning autism. She is halfway through college, and they've set their wedding date for when she graduates in two years. She also is sure that he has ADHD, but he won't listen to her and go get a diagnosis, either. (And he listens to her about a lot more than he listens to me about, anymore.)
.....
And I respect my son's right to refuse what I want. I wanted him to stay in college. I wanted him to get an ADHD assessment and accomodations to help him in college. But he is choosing his path. I can't force him to do things my way.
I worry about him. I worry that he's setting himself up for the same kinds of life struggles that I went through as an adult. But I respect his right to make his own choices.
We can't save our kids from making their own mistakes. We did our job as parents in raising them up and teaching them the best that we know how. Now we've got to them learn on their own terms.
It's hard to say, but sometimes it's best to let them take hold off the reins, even when we can't see where they're heading.
Thanks STEM-Dad. That was helpful to hear. Since I am highly organized and a "TYPE A" personality without ADHD, one thing that I find very hard is that my son does not seem to want to put mechanisms in place (which I am preferfectly willing to hlep him do), to assist him in overcoming some of the difficulties caused by ADHD. For example, although he has VERY POOR short term memory, he will NOT make notes or use a calendar properly. Both me and several therapists have been working with him for a couple of years to try to get him to implement and stick to a calendar. The problem is that if his entire day is not structured nothing gets done. And he is very busy and talented (doing a double unveristy degree, song writing and performing, etc), and has alot of things to remember. Things just keep slipping through the cracks. I am concerned that he is ruining his currently good reputation(as I have always been his scaffolding). I just cannot understand why he is not as concerned about overcoming the hurdles ADHD imposes as I am concerned for him learning to do so.
I also had poor short term memory (and poor working memory) until I was prescribed my current ADHD medication. I count myself fortunate that I only had to go through two different medications (and several dosage changes) to find a good one for me.
Thankfully, my memory is much improved, thanks to my medication.
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I was a habitual note-writer before my diagnosis. I wrote in pocket notebooks, post-it notes, receipts and little slips of paper. I studied various productivity systems, including the much-acclaimed GTD method (Getting Things Done). I tried planners and calendars, and when I got my first smart phone I started using note taking and calendar apps, and using alarms. I even tried various vitamin and supplement combinations.
With such a poor working memory as I had, it didn't matter how much structure I built up or what system I used, I still forgot things often, lost things, lost track of time.
Nothing worked for long, until I got onto the meds that worked for me. For me, medication has been the #1 most effective intervention for my ADHD.
I only have the Inattentive presentation of ADHD, no hyperactivity and very little impulsivity. The medication which helps my memory and my ADHD traits so much is Strattera (atomoxetine). It's not for everyone, but I talked my doctor into switching to atomoxetine from Adderall XR, because the Adderall never worked well enough, and it wore off quickly every evening (often leaving me irritable with my family).
Also, I had learned from a presentation by Dr. Russell Barkley about SCT (Sluggish Cognitive Tempo, now also known as Concentration Deficit Disorder), which is related to ADHD, appears much like Inattentive ADHD, and is often comorbid with ADHD. The SCT traits that Dr. Barkley described matched my own traits as well or even better than ADHD. According to him, the medication found to be most effective for SCT is atomoxetine, which is also effective in about 70% of people with ADHD.
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Don't give up on your son, but he's got to make this his fight.
It took me 30 years to get to the point that he's at now, thanks to your hard work. I hope that he takes an interest in his own welfare, like you have for him.
But as a word of caution, my easygoing son reached a point where he couldn't tolerate being under the same roof as his mom (who is Type-A, and mostly neurotypical)...and he moved in with his older sister for several months until he and his girlfriend got their apartment. He hardly spoke to his mom for months.
(But they're good now. He told her about his engagement at 1am, after his girlfriend said 'Yes'. He didn't tell me until I got off work later that day.)
Your son is not my son, so he will follow his own path. But just know that even the easy, peaceful, "good kid" sort of person has their limits.
That is just it. You made it your fight. And my son does not seem to have the energy to, or want to, take the steps to make sure he will have the best/easiest life. He is supposed to be on medication, but refuses to take it regularly(and yes, several have been tried), and lies about taking it. He is more interested in girls and his social life generally than in preparing himself for his future (when I will not be around to assist; I am 60). And I am starting to give up on him because of his abusive conduct towards me(he claims he is not abusive), and because I am tired of beating my head against the wall to help him, without results, and not only without gratitude, but with hostility. I have read every book; have gone to coach therapists with and without him; go to every ADDitude seminar; provide him with an ADHD psychologist; take courses with ImpactParents, and yet nothing I try with him works. He thinks he can disrespect me with impunity, and unfortunately I do not operate that way. In fact, he is ruining our relationship, as there is a limit to what even the best parent can withstand.
Yes, there is a limit to what a parent can stand. I'm not okay with the idea of anyone disrespecting their parent, no matter if the offender is a child or an adult.
It sounds like he's not ready to grow up. At his age, I wasn't either (but I did respect my parents, and I still do).
I can remember being that age, and I was more focused on my (on-again, off-again) relationship with my girlfriend than I was on school. I was trying to get her to want to continue the relationship as much as I did. But I was so focused on her being my future that when she broke up with me, I became depressed.
Lots of young men do get girl-crazy like that. (For me and some guys, it was a specific girl. For other guys, it's lots of girls.)
Sadly, maturity doesn't tend to kick in for most young men until age 25 (up to 28 for some).
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My eldest daughter was really difficult. At a couple of months before she turned 18, she had already graduated from high school. She had been so difficult and disrespectful through her teens that her mom decided to let her move out early. (She's my step-daughter, so I didn't have a say in that decision on part of mother and daughter.)
It took several years and a lot of patience, but my relationship with my daughter has grown, as I've seen her mature into being a pretty remarkable parent, herself.
But I'll admit that I was concerned for her welfare many times over the years.
I do think that most of the difficult kids do turn themselves around. I've seen it with my eldest, and I've seen it with some of my friends' kids.
But when you're in the midst of the turmoil, it's impossible to imagine that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m very sorry you’re having to watch your son struggle. My only advice would be, however possible, to stop giving him unsolicited advice now. And to read the Serenity Prayer multiple times daily in regard to your situation. I’m saying this as a virtual atheist. I struggle watching a family member make poor medical choices in light of her health issues (I’m in healthcare) and have risked our relationship by giving unsolicited advice. I suddenly realized I would have no relationship if I didn’t stop. Please save whatever relationship you still have with your child and let go of this role. Let him flounder. If he wants to access treatment, he will. Otherwise, he’s an adult, flawed like everyone else, and has the right, however misguided it may look, to choose his own path. And save your energy for the self care you need as a parent in this situation. Please forgive my bluntness. I am trying to spare you ongoing suffering. Best wishes and strength to you.
I’m sorry that you and your son are butting heads. I have ADHD and one of my kids has ADHD/ASD. I agree with the previous advice to ease up on giving your son advice. It sounds counter intuitive, but it seems like you and he are at a point where he can’t hear it. You have already done so much for him - much more than the adults in my life did for me. In my experience, when someone you care about is dug in to a position, the best thing to do is let them be and take care of yourself. You will model your experience to him. You don’t need to accept abuse and setting boundaries with him will help him learn to set his own boundaries. Also, frustrating as it is, sometimes our kids will listen to other people when they won’t listen to us. So if you take a step back, he might be in a better place to listen to a therapist or educator. I don’t know if you would consider therapy, but it might help you with the stress and also to come up with strategies for your relationship with your son.
Hello. I agree that you should cease giving unsolicited advice to him. I have a 21yo son in college and it has been bumpy, and though I do have the benefit of him having been on meds since middle school, he still makes a lot of poor choices.
My best advice in addition to laying off on advising him, is to build a better relationship with him. Empathize when he expresses tough moments but don’t give advice unless asked. People gravitate toward people who listen to them. If he gets abusive when talking to you, have pre-set boundaries that help you exit from the conversation.
This may take time for him to see that you’ve backed off but it may grow your relationship. You can’t force it. My type A husband did force advice and now has a fragmented relationship with our son. I suspect I have undiagnosed adhd but don’t see myself as a “jellyfish” parent. I am the one our son comes to and we are very close.
Thank you for contacting CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD. I am sorry to hear that your son is struggling in college. Depending on where he is attending college some colleges offer accommodations. Here are some links that can be helpful. chadd.org/attention-article...
We would recommend that you look into coaching for him, that can help him in the areas he is struggling with, as well as therapy. Family therapy would be beneficial for everyone in household and perhaps you can consider therapy for yourself to be able to understand ADHD and be able to process everything that is happening. Here's the link to our professional directory and coaches.
Chadd offers support groups, here's the link to find one around your area. chadd.org/affiliate-locator/ If you are not able to find a Chadd support group, you can join one in other state.
If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!
Okay, I've been there. I was diagnosed as a child- so younger than your son but...
I used to get angry etc. When I can't take anymore in my mind- it goes bang. Picked my dad as, well he usually was the last straw (after dealing with crap all day) plus I kinda secretly knew he would always love me..
How did I stop, by learning me. My understanding and then knowing when I need to decompress. I do this by either 'hiding' and listening to my audiobooks or exercise.
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