I genuinly think that I may be burrowing head on into a divorce. love my husband (he is medicated) and we have been together 16 years. We also have 5 kids and a business. He works most of the business and I do the work with the kids /home and work in the business part time ( roughly 25/30 hours a week when you count the hours working from home) Our kids are home ed due to 3/5 also being neurodivergent .
I am NT. And I am tired. He wont help with the kids full stop. He cant cope because of his adhd- but our eldest are teens and he wont even bother taking them out to do anything with them because it dosnt interest him. I do early morning, night time feed for the smallest still , dinner, bath time, bed time the whole lot. Because they are also home ed I also run them to all their groups /sessions do all the work with them at home that they need to do in between being in the office. He wakes up in the morning 'when his body is ready too' gets out of bed when his finished scrolling through TikTok and showers and leaves ( after telling the kids what thier chores ar for the day) its pretty similar when he comes home, hell get in - ill have made dinne or well order a takeaway and hell sit in bed watching telly while i still deal with the kids till they drop. He does do work around the garden if it is something that interests him or building something or printing something at home but again its hyperfixation based. At work he always tells me its 'our' business but he spends what he wants, hires who he wants, dosnt talk to me great to be honest and then at times when I act like its 'our' business hell moan because im only there part time and cant act like I own it. ( for reference I asked one of our team if he would mind tidying his desk because its the first anyone sees when they walk in the office - apparnetly not something I should have done without talking t him about it first)
2 days ago , our littlest was sick ( his 1) threw up all over me , the bed, everywhere. so I got up to get his clothes off of him and husband throws in a clean undersheet to me for the bed . I said right one of us needs to clean him down /shower him and one change the bed. He said he would shower him - so he turns on the shower and stands there calling the baby that is clinging to me crying his eyes out. Husband dosnt like sick so needless to say I ended up cleaning the baby in the shower and thenbriging him back to the bedroom, dressing him and then changing all the sheet all while he went off and had a shower ' to get the smell of sick off of him' . For added context i showered last , after i had gone and then rinsed off the sheets and put them in on a long wash.
Roll to today and baby is still ill. I was up and down all night with him grumbling and crying as you would expect him to do. Hubby woke a number of times to moan about him still crying and went back to sleep . I had to do a dump run today ( on very little sleep ) so was outside getting everything ready in the garden and hubby thought this would be a great time to continuously spray me with water from the bathroom window. I ended up coming in the house and throwing a large glass back at him in the hallway.
Im done. Im so done. and I resent him so much for the way things have been so far. I dont want to end up hating him but I dont know how much more of this I can do on my own. Ive tried talking to him but he jsut turns it into a game /makes a joke about it or tells me its his ADHD and not his fault that my expectations are so high.... are they too high? am i being unrealistic with what I expect from him as a partner?
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Based on what you've described, and from my perspective, I don't think that your expectations are too high.
I was married for 20 years, and for 19 of those I was undiagnosed ADHD. I have my struggles with attention, and a tendency towards distraction, but I still focused on my family. I'm a very committed father and was a very committed husband (while I was still married)...even with my ADHD struggles.
• My ADHD did cause some issues, for sure. Attention-related tasks were always more difficult for me, I was sometimes easily distracted, and my working memory was definitely hampered. But my family was my first concern. {And I handled almost all sick cleanup, because of my wife did, she would need a bucket for her own sick. I had the stronger stomach to deal with the cleanup.}
Towards the end of the marriage, it was my wife who withdrew from attending to the needs of the family, not me. I was doing everything... Working full time, doing almost all the cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, and about half the homeschooling for our kids.
• My more-NT wife (now ex-wife) has multiple health issues, which were supposedly the reason why I had to take on almost everything. Yet, in her new relationship she is able to do a lot of the cleaning and do most of the cooking. (In light of that, I feel like I was taken advantage of.)
I was constantly tired, nearly constantly working to my max capacity (which was only about 85% of my wife's capacity when she was at her best health condition in the past). I was willing to keep taking care of her every need and the needs of the family, 'til death do us part... that's the commitment that I made. (I don't expect the same commitment of anyone else...it was a personal decision, rooted in my own values and convictions.)
~~~~~
Note: I also didn't set any healthy boundaries for myself, and so my mental and emotional health did suffer as a result. Now I know better... even having a no-divorce standpoint, I ought to have had boundaries.
~~~~~
As I was trying to save my marriage from divorce, I did a lot of soul searching, and I also did a lot of online research.
Here's some of what I learned by that research:
• Take care of your own needs. If you can get into therapy, then it would be wise to do so.
• You and your husband probably need a relationship counselor/marriage therapist. (By reputation, the best ones practice The Gottman Method, developed by the Gottman Institute from 40 years of research.)
>> I learned from messages by relationship expert Dr. Joe Beam (of Marriage Helper International, a marriage coaching organization) that most couples don't seek help until an average of 6 years after problems begin. As with other issues, the earlier the intervention, the better the outcome.
• Know your boundaries. Clearly communicate your needs and expectations. (Since your husband has ADHD, communicating in writing will help, because if you just speak to him his attention might not capture all of what you're saying.)
>> Be persistent and consistent. Try not to sound like you are nagging.
~~~~~
It sounds like your husband is using electronic distraction a lot (TikTok, etc). That's common with ADHD. (I avoid TikTok, but have fallen into the same trap with YouTube Shorts and Facebook.)
Even neurotypical people who indulge in electronics media (social media, games, etc) can develop attention problems. It's worse with ADHD.
I don't know what can be done about it, but would probably need some form of therapy to break the habit. (I am looking for a way to break it myself.)
Each relationship is unique, and each person has their own limits.
If you had a friend or family member who was in a situation like yours, what would be your advice to them?
What boundaries do you feel like you need to set, in the interest of your needs and your children's needs?
(There is a book series by Henry Cloud and John Townsend on the topic of "Boundaries". The most relevant one in this case would be "Boundaries in Marriage". ~~~ There has also been much discussion online in recent years about setting boundaries. Opinions vary widely, so I wouldn't know where to recommend you start looking.)
~~~~~
Your husband sounds like a mix between my dad and the husband of a friend of mine.
• My dad (who likely has ADHD) was somewhat irresponsible with the budget for several years. He liked the status of being the decision maker for the family (as it seems your husband does, at least for the business), but he wasn't considered the stress that his decisions were making on my mom. (He wouldn't wait for checks written for bills to clear before he started spending on other things.) ~~~ He finally figured out how bad of a situation he was creating when my mom completely handed over the household finances to him. Then, he couldn't turn a blind eye. (I'm not suggesting that as a solution...I'm just saying that was how my dad got his "wakeup call".)
• My friend's husband definitely has ADHD, and he's a gamer. They have 3 kids, and he hardly interacts with his kids. I am not sure what he does for work (something that he can do online from home), but I only ever saw him sitting at the same computer that he uses for gaming. He doesn't help his wife with the household chores. ... To be honest, I don't know how they're still married. His wife works full time, takes care of the kids and (as far as I know) all the household chores. ~~~ I don't know how she does it all, and still has such a positive, stable mindset.
~~~~~
Just from my perspective, because I've been through it in recent years, divorce is a very hard thing to go through. So, if you consider it, keep in mind that it is always harder than people imagine it will be.
get counseling asap. Tell her m it could be your marriage on the li e if he doesn’t go. He may be doing things impulsively, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to keep doing something after told to stop in the moment. He doesn’t seem to respect you or what you do for the business or the house. Remember, the interactions between you and him are the first example your kids get in how to treat a partner. If you let it happen, they will think it’s ok.
As for interacting with the kids, he needs to try and make one connection point each week to seem interested in what makes his kids tick. Otherwise, they will want nothing to do with him when they are older.
I have suggested relationship councelling numerous times but his not interested. Its always a yeah well get around to it but its been that way for 2 years so im not holding out much hope to be honest. Ive tried explaining the situation with the kids to him but he didnt have a great realationship with his dad but bases a lot of what he does with ours on that. He dosnt feel like he needs to be there as a fun /active parent.
People with adhd (me included) usually do well with deadlines. I would tell him the severity of the situation that relies on this relationship counseling and give him a deadline to be scheduled. Maybe give him the number again, in case he lost it, so he can’t use that as an excuse.
My partner and I both had horrible parents, worse than you are describing his were (abuse all around and neglect), but we are able to be fun and structured parents that ours were not. Using it as an excuse is just asking him to continue the cycle of how he was treated, and we need to strive to be better than our parents before us.
I understand your frustration that is clearly turning into resentment and anger. Is it possible to get some hired help with things around the house? It is hard to just say, he can’t help it but he can at least try. You have to not turn into the victim mentality and be stronger for yourself first and of course your kids. I have tried changing the way I go about communicating, and now I also don’t hesitate to just say, you’re not listening please stop for a minute and hear me. This is an over simplified explanation that has taken me a long time to get to. I am still struggling as my husband won’t address his ADHD and if I do ask he promises to work on it, even with all the information I’ve collected but never follow throughs. We are an older (60-62) newly married (2years) couple. We don’t have the stressors of small children. I do see the same characteristics in his adult children and interesting how frustrated he can get by the same behavior he has but he doesn’t see it. I guess my long post is that I am recently giving up on making him at least try to show up for me, not necessarily how I do for him but to a better level. He is at least kind and if I don’t display any frustration he just goes along happily. If I do , it’s my reaction that’s the problem not the reason I’m having the reaction. It takes so much patience and prayer! Support, which I’m finding here with even more info than I’ve researched in the last year or so. I do love my husband and know the grass isn’t always greener. And sometimes I have to remember it’s not always just label every behavior ADHD, men and women are just different. You have a lot on your hands and definitely need to get a good support system. Best of luck , prayers and always feel free to reach out. People on here have been very insightful to at least more understanding of what I need to do also to be a better partner.
I think the resentment that I feel towards him is the worst part. I have just got to a point when I think ive mentally checked out of it . And now rather than commenting on what he is or isnt doing - I just go with it and do it myself. My parents are local and help with the children so I cna do things that I want to myself, I just feel live ive entirly given myself for the last 16 years both to our relationship and our growing family and hadnt really realised how unpleasant things were for me untill I hit breaking point - which I now really feel like I have
That’s such a sad and lonely place to get to for sure. Start taking the time for your own mental health. Find some motivational podcasts or books to help give you some tools to turn your mindset around. It’s not about him at this point , but you feeling good about you! I think as a woman I shrunk to accommodate my husband to where I didn’t know who I was anymore. His ADHD causing me frustrations was always my fault for being upset. I had to claim back my strength and value. Even if he doesn’t recognize it. Honestly it has helped me be able to deal with his actions or lack of better. He’s not going to change or apparently try but I’m not going to let him change me!!! Hope you have a better day !!!
I don’t think you are being unreasonable in any degree based on this post alone. I am 32 and I have strongly suspected for all of my life that I’ve had ADD. I live with my husband and our only child who is six. My husband owns and runs a business basically out of our house, it’s not in our house, but it’s down the block and a lot of home office stuff happens like paperwork and invoicing. I have tried working for him part-time, but we end up arguing almost constantly, so I have elected to work outside the house full-time in a business directly related to my husband’s, but not competition actually quite the opposite, the business I work for is a good networking partner with my husband‘s business. My husband is left to watch the kid whenever she is out of school.
despite all of this, I am never on my ass for more than two days maximum for any reason. I have had a plethora of problems from my ADD, including emotional outbursts, panic attacks, you name it. But I am still resilient and put in effort. If I was in your shoes, I would desperately try to get some couples therapy with this partner especially since you guys have been together for so long. coming from someone with ADD instead of ADHD, I’m not quite sure yet what the subtle differences are with the hyperactivity so maybe some of his behavior may be attributed to that. But this largely sounds like someone just not wanting to put in the effort. this is coming from someone who suffers from CPTSD for 22 years, PMDD For 19 years, and ADD throughout their life
OR i didn’t think about this, but maybe his medicine needs adjusting, I have never taken meds so I’m not sure how badly they can screw with you if they’re not the right dose anymore. I have seen what happens when you stop taking it though!! my father is bipolar and I have seen what happens when someone goes cold turkey when what they really needed was their meds adjusted a bit . Could be that.
yeah I did think that working there might be the problem. We barly speak anyway when Im not working with him at the office but its better than what we currently have which is him critisizing my every more, whether its how he would of done it or not and so on. He even told me the other day that I needed to just get on with it and realise that he knows more than me about it so I should learn from him .
Im starting a new carer this September . Just for me . And the kids of course. And its not for him
On the medication front, he has changed it about 4 times. Each time his a different person
it sounds like enforcing your own boundary by working somewhere else will help. if it gets his attention in a good way, he can be motivated by your positive example. if he becomes reactive, he is upset either at himself or you so be careful there. if he is not reactive at all and isn’t hiding it then he doesn’t care and you have already put that first step of distance between you. i hope it turns around and he can be less critical towards you. if he asks why, your answer HAS TO be about you, not him, verbiage wise. do the “I” statement thing and it will minimize the upset. I saw in another comment it sounds like he is not willing to go to therapy because he has taken years to do it. please be careful and keep you and your kiddos safe and make smart moves when his deep complacency becomes derailed.
Coming from someone who has gone through a divorce (20 years ago), not only are your expectations reasonable, but to just be blunt - your husband is being selfish and entitled. ADHD is not an excuse to not show up in your life, to not be a caring and considerate partner to the best of your ability, and particularly not to be involved in your own children's lives. That's unacceptable. I have ADHD and I raised mine virtually on my own - and am actively in their lives and have a wonderful relationship with them now that they're adults. My ex has only a surface level relationship with the children at best.
While we do have an interest-based nervous system, that doesn't mean we're unable to do anything we're not "interested" in. He's making a conscious choice to simply not do what he doesn't feel like doing, which is immature and selfish, and he doesn't seem to mind that it means you shoulder all the burdens. Why does all the maintenance of the family fall to you?
The fact that he turns your conversations about your marriage into jokes shows he doesn't take your marriage seriously. Sounds like he's doing a lot of taking, but not much giving. He's taking it for granted that you'll always be there to take care of everything. Not to be morbid, but what if you were to pass tomorrow? He'd be screwed.
I fought for 10 years to get my ex-husband to work on our marriage and he continued to dismiss it that entire time. We were married for 13 years and we had 4 kids together. He took for granted that I would always be there and it was a seriously harsh reality for him when I wasn't. For me, the "I'm done" came after my husband quit his job without discussing it with me - then came home and told me I'd have to get a job, we'd have to put the kids in public school (I homeschooled), and we'd have to sell or rent our home. I was flabbergasted. That he made that selfish decision (he quit because he and his father had different views) without so much as talking to me first about the impact it would have on me and our children was the last straw. That level of self-centeredness finally convinced me that things were never going to change. I did NOT want my children to grow up thinking this is what they should expect from relationships - much less marriage. My children were the ultimate reason I left. I didn't want them to repeat the pattern we were setting. I loved him, but we were roommates - not partners - and I no longer liked him. He'd come home from work and head straight upstairs to game, leaving me to shoulder the raising of our children, the care of the home, all the shopping, paying the bills, all the meals, etc. I felt already alone in my marriage when I left.
Let me just say though, I am not advocating for you leaving. I would not wish divorce on my worst enemy. Even if it's your choice, it uproots your entire life and the lives of your children, and it's HARD and painful. It takes everything you've know about yourself and requires you to redefine it when you're no longer so & so's wife. I felt off-kilter for probably 2 years after we split up, trying to figure out who I was outside of the life that I'd previously built - thinking it would be forever. I tried separation first, and required my ex to go to marriage counseling if there was to be any hope of saving our marriage. Prior to losing me, he'd just say that counseling was for people who didn't trust God and had weak faith. 🙄As if having a strong faith means you don't experience hard things and don't need a little guidance and insight. Obviously, the counseling didn't save us - but it did open his eyes to a lot.
I strongly encourage you to get into a counselor (I know it's hard to fit in) on your own and talk it through with them. If you do decide to leave, get all of your ducks in a row first so it doesn't pull the rug out from under you like it did me. I did not talk through the consequences of divorce with someone first, so I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be to go through and how difficult all the logistics of splitting everything up would be.
If you can get him into marriage counseling with you, that might improve things. Maybe if you let him know that it's counseling or you're leaving, he'll take things a little more seriously? I don't know. You need to know when you're truly "done", because you're the one who has to live with the consequences of that choice. At the same time, you have to decide if the exchange of one life for another is worth it to you. I kind of asked this same question of my mother when I was still with my ex, and she said that when you know you'd rather spend the rest of your life alone (because there's always a chance you'll remain single) rather than be in that relationship, you know you're done. That helped me a lot. I thought about that for 2 years before I left, and had to KNOW deep inside myself that yes, I'd rather be alone.
My heart absolutely goes out to you. You're in a really tough spot, and I hope you're able to fix the relationship! Sorry this is so long.
I love him but I dont like him describes us perfectly. I think the hardest thing is that even through previous emotional affairs that he has had - ive always dug deep and really tried to save us, not him. And yet now if I mention to him that im not happy and that these are the reasons then all I get from him is that im saying things to him at the wrong time of day or Im intentionally saying stuff to him that I know will trigger his rds so in the end I just give up. I feel guilty leaving because of the kids but then I feel bad showing them that if your unhappy that you should stick and hold.
It's SUCH a tough place to be - not knowing if staying or going is the best course of action. You have my full empathy.
What you describe that he's doing when you try to talk to him about being unhappy in the marriage sounds a bit like gaslighting. Putting it back on you (you're talking to him at the wrong time of day, etc.) - in order to completely avoid the actual issue. My ex would get so frustrated with me bringing up the topic of our marriage needing help (of course he was, he liked the status quo) that he would kick me out of the house "until I got my head on straight". They don't want to talk about it because they're perfectly fine with things as they are, and they don't want to hear it because that means they might have to work on/change something.
A compassionate and loving partner would absolutely care and want to talk through whatever was bothering you...AND strive to change in order to preserve the marriage/relationship - if it's important to them. I'm remarried now to someone who not only cares and listens when I say there are problems, but he actively works on his part. It was a refreshing change and a little surprising to find there was someone out there that actually valued me and how I felt.
Now that I'm living the polar opposite of what I lived with my ex, and can look back on things from a different experience, it's a little shocking that I stayed as long as I did - but I too was worried about the affect on the children. All of my kids are adults now who tell me that while it was really hard having the family broken up, they were glad I left. Hearing that helped to heal some of the intense guilt I felt for making them come along on that ride with me. My oldest daughter told me, "Mom, we could all see how unhappy you were." That floored me, because I thought I had put on a good face for them. Kids are so much more intuitive than we give them credit for.
It took me YEARS (I'm talking like 10) to realize that if my ex truly loved "me", he would care that I was struggling so much and not shut me down when I wanted to talk to him. By shutting us down like that, they get to continue living with someone else taking care of "life" while they live doing whatever they feel like. Again, it's selfish - and selfishness has no place in a partnership. That's the mentality of a child - truly - not of an adult, to do or not do things based on whether or not they feel like it. And like with children, I realized that unless I provided some kind of motivation for him to change, he would never do it on his own. So the last time he told me to get out, I stayed out - because I was done. Sadly, it took my heart totally hardening towards him for him to begin taking any kind of action. But by then, I'd been fighting for our marriage by myself for 10 years and I was tapped out. I no longer cared.
As before, I can only speak from my own experience and what was best for me in that situation. If he's not willing to address the issues in your marriage, only you know if you can continue living with things as they are. I honestly wish I could give you a hug and we could have coffee together. I just remember it being a lonely place to be.
Very sorry you are going through this. I'm the one with ADHD in my marriage, and I know I drive my husband nuts. Love is strong, but it doesn't tell you how to handle situations that create conflict. In this, we are not different from neurotypical people. But the problems our ADHD cause are especially frustrating for others because working on them is inconsistent, and they don't go away after a period of trying. Falling back into our problem patterns is natural, and having to remind us like we are kids drives our partners crazy.
But honestly, the things you describe would be difficult even without ADHD. ADHD is not an excuse to be inconsiderate and entitled! You are describing a person who is abandoning his responsibilities by crying "ADHD!" and expecting others to pick up his slack. And he appears to be unkind.
I would love to hear what you find good about your relationship and your daily life. I hear frustration and desperation that might alleviated with help to handle the many roles you play. Could any of your children go to public school? Could your shopping be delivered to you? Practical solutions often help dial back the emotional and mental chaos. Counseling alone and together could only help and clarify.
Divorce is very hard, even if you initiate it, especially with children. You might end up with all the responsibilities anyway. It seems ADHD is only a small part of how you built your life together, but is being used as the focal point for all the problems because you need to blame something. I think if you found out he didn't have ADHD after all, you'd still have the same issues because he has different ideas about what marriage and fatherhood involve. Get yourself help, in the home and for your mental health. Things become more clear when you can take a deep breath and be calm within yourself. Good luck!
You are being more than reasonable in this situation. I don't think that is ADHD's fault, it's just him. You'd probably be better by yourself since you're already doing it. If he doesn't want to change it's on him. Maybe if you leave him one weekend with all the kids and the chores he'd appreciate you more
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I feel like a terrible parent, need your opinion.
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