My husband signed a lease on his own apartment today..It's my fault
Well at least 90% because that man won't talk "feelings or emotion" unless ur pulling teethš
So my new sad people doctor told me I should get all these feelings off my chest and with the stupid ass anxiety from being angry for so long this would never happen in an in person settingš ...so, sorry in advance for the sad and also for the unorganized conspiracy string board jumble this will most likely be for me to put everything out there. I have a deadline also....which helps alot.
It's ridiculous that I need that, like a fucking child...
but it helps..
But i guess as most of yall know, it's how we roll so š¤·š¼āāļøš
i wasnt attentive...
i was overwhelmed...a..g..a..i..n........
i let my hygiene go....(sweetbabyjeezuswtfiswrongwithme???š¤¢)
i let my anger take over...
hyperstimulated to things that my brain was telling me were the most important & allowing it because of the shame I felt about not being able to please him the way he deserved and the way I so desperately wanted to be able to.
years ago because I was sad we lost our house and had to relocate to another state and start over. (A majority being my fault also, unable to handle crisis and change well&unable to keep organized and mentally focused as the stresses built up)
i was sad...
i was angry...
I was ashamed I fuked up..again
I couldn't get over it..
Was prescribed an antidepressant, after 3 weeks had a semi-breakdown rocking crying&freakin out and was told to stop taking the drug. Within a week sex drive was kaput....I mean nothing!?š²...AT ALL!!!š¬ Talked to the doctor who said the drug changes shit in ur brain and that "it is what it is" basically...š«
My husband has put up with so much over the last 8 years & I feel so ashamed that I am the cause of the majority of it...
Our house was always a mess, even tho I know how much he hated that. And I miss how clean or place always was when my brain was in a good stress and crisis free cycle. I would try, i would start something and get overwhelmed at how bad I let it get and then give up because of the amount of crap there was to do..
was only professionally diagnosed with ADHD after calling a mental health crisis hotline the day he told me he wanted the divorce the end of last month.
my love leaving me...
Our future obliterated...
The part of our dreams of growing old on the ranch gone...
Fears a biatch...
fear of admitting you're the problem....
fear of admitting you HAVE a problem...
fear of doctors who when you were small put you on every drug from citalopram to lithium & everything in between...all I remember is that I felt like a zombie every freakin time, like there was no reason to live just to be ThErE...
The Army helped for the short time I was in...
the discipline...
the routine...
I could feel myself slipping after discharge tho ..its why having his support was so appreciated even tho I didn't let him know just how much.
I want him to remember the woman he fell in love with. I want him to hold me like he used to (instead of being disgusted by my lack of hygiene and self care)I want him to be able to feel like he can rely on me instead of always being the responsible one.
I want to be that woman and so much better...
For me...
For him..
For the possibility that one day he'll forgive me and see that I'll stay in the program for...ev....er... if thays what it takes to keep my brain focused on the things I love, helping to ignore the noise, seeing him laugh, doing things we used to do before I tried to hide away from the world.
from my failures...
my pain...
my anger...
..my inadequacies.
I want him to be proud of me like I have always been of him for how far he's come since we got together so long ago. I know it must be hard to remember the great times when for the longest now we've both just been in survival mode because of my fuked up brain. He's taken care of everything. The bills, the house, the cars, I've been nothing but a burden on him, unable to even do the simple things like just going into the grocery to shop but instead I freak out in the car outside the store and then drive off without going in to buy the things we need, more angry than b4 i tried because of my own sense of failure. Forget that little something I know he'd want because I was so angry all the time.
NOW....I go in anyway..and smile.
And get the pillow I know he'd like that I've wanted to get him for years, or the nail polish that I used to love getting cutesy for him with so long ago when I actually liked myself.
I'll admit I should've sought help sooner but again I say, it is HARD to admit you ARE the problem...many days I just wish my brain worked like everyone else's.
The hormone shots are Karma for my cowardice
...I'm sure of it now.
He told me about a week ago that he had been feeling like a loser and that killed me, because the whole time I had been trying to reassure him that he was NEVER the problem.
I was hospitalized a two months ago...ish and had thought of him and all he's been thru the whole time I was there. The second they offered the shot I jumped at it because I wanted to be able to be the wife he deserved & even tho the other doc told me nothing would help....I was willing to try ANYTHING for him, for us...
And now I have the drive I used to...the energy I hadn't had in so long that made me feel like everything coukd wait cause as long as I had dinner ready I had won the day. how sad. I didn't even realize it...
How much I missed touching him, pleasing him...and how much he must've missed that too. Now I want to wake him with pleasure again in the mornings, send him to bed happy every night like we used to do..that always made me so happy. And the drive to do it is there....but there will never be another. Only ever for my husband. See, Karmas a biatch folksš š
He deserves to be happy and I desperately want that for him. I just wish I could have gotten snapped out of this cycle before he felt the need to run away from me and find that happiness somewhere else...with someone else.
He will always be my only love, and I will try my hardest to forgive myself for putting him through it all.
.... hopefully I can prove to him that I would do anything only to have him in my life, wished I had asked for the help I needed sooner & couldve shown how much he always meant to me like a normal fuking person does and maybe just maybe...one day...
...he'll come home.
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Lostmyteddybear
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First, you need to find another doctor. When a patient has side effects from medications that severely affects quality of life, like drop in sex drive. Medications can be changed or adjusted
You and your husband need to see a marriage counselor. These things are things you need to be telling your husband with guidance from a professional.
If you love your husband and he loves you it is never too late. Perhaps he got his own apartment because he thought that was the only way to get your attention. Both of you need counseling separately in addition to marriage counseling. These things build up slowly over time. It takes a lot of time, hard work and patience to repair the damage and rebuild trust. It can be done but you both have to realize what it will take from both of you and be patient and understanding with each other
I understand your fear of medications. You need to educate yourself about a medication before you take it. Talk with your pharmacist at length about your concerns. Pharmacists are educated and trained in drugs and how they affect the human body. Doctors do not have the same level of education and training when it comes to drugs.
Indeed. If only I've done it years ago instead of being mad and scared they'd tell me that there really was no fix...now i fear it's too late. He says we'll never be together again...i feel like he's been miserable for too long to remember what we had. How I was before I was the angry slobbish asshole...how happy and how much fun we had just being together.I miss it...
I miss us...
I miss him.
He says he'll never go to any kind of therapy so there's no possibility of that helping us. But I also fear that he may fall into that same cycle again and I don't want that for him either. I only want him to be happy and I'd hate for his defiance of help to impact his next relationship. And maybe he'll get with a not crazy one next time and it won't be that big a dealš¤·š¼āāļøI see and feel the ramifications of putting off getting the help we need and don't ever want him to suffer through that again.
Is it selfish or stupid I still want him to stay? That I'll never love another and will hope for his return until the day I die? Because no matter how much I want him to be happy I will always wish it could be here with me.š
I dont think I've ever hated having a three day weekend this much in my entire lifetimešš
If things do not work out. You Will get over him. Although I know you do not believe that at this point. You need to see a Psychologist for your own issues. A psychologist can help you understand why you act the way you do and give you suggestions about how to change things. But you have to remember changing life long behaviors takes a lot of time and hard work. Beatimg yourself up for past mistakes benefits Noone, especially you.
I empathize a lot with what you're going through. I was married for 20 years to the love of my life, the mother of my children, who was also my best friend for most of the time we were married. Sadly, we have now been divorced* for over a year.
First of all, understand that you are probably experiencing trauma and grief. Trauma in a relationship can cause your feelings towards your spouse to be magnified (turning your heart either towards, or away from, your spouse). This is a natural reaction, and I went through it similarly to how you are going through it. (Sometimes, this is referred to as a form of a "trauma bond", although that term is more often reserved for abusive or manipulative relationships, either parent-child or spousal/dating relationships.)
! {IMPORTANT NOTE: If you think you have experienced relationship violence, do contact a domestic violence hotline. You didn't mention or imply any abuse in your relationship, but it's important to get help if you have experienced such.}
As difficult as these feelings are, just know that they do not last forever. You may continue to love your husband and feel the loss of your relationship, even if your marriage is never restored.
Don't put all your hope and all your value of yourself on restoring your relationship with your husband. But also, don't lose all hope.
ā¢ Some marriages are eventually restored and repaired after a split, but know that they are never the same as before (though many couples do build closer, stronger relationships after restoration...but it takes time, commitment, and effort from both partners).
The best thing that you can do in this situation is to get the help that you need. Counseling from
When I was trying to save my marriage, I read a number of relationships books (and had been reading relationship books over the previous 25+ years), articles with experts like Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, as well as lots of relationship podcasts and YouTube videos. It took me months to sort out the good advice from the bad. (Some of the best advice, I found from Dr. Joe Beam, of Marriage Helper, and the aforementioned Dr. Gottman.) I've shared some of their relationship advice and information on other replies on this forum.
What I think most important to tell you, what has helped me the most, is this:
ā¢ Get the help that you need, for your own well-being (physical, mental, emotional)
ā¢ Work on yourself for your own sake...if your relationship is restored, then your relationship will benefit; but regardless of whether your relationship is restored or not, you will benefit...you will make some improvements in yourself and become more self-assured, as a result.
(I'd mentioned Dr. Joe Beam of Marriage Helper. He has a podcast called Relationship Radio, and one of the recurring topics is about self-improvement. He and his co-host, his daughter Kimberly Beam-Holmes, refer to their model of "PIES", an acronym for "Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual, which they call the four areas of attractiveness. --- I mention this because it helped me as a person, but there is other good self-improvement information out there; just be discerning about what you put into your head and heart.)
Again, get the mental health and emotional health support that you need. And also take care of your body, and soul/spirit as well (according to your own beliefs).
-----
* My story: My wife didn't leave due to my ADHD, at least not directly. Although my struggles with ADHD (which was finally diagnosed in 2020), anxiety, and low self-esteem caused issues throughout our marriage (as did her various issues). ---She ended the marriage because she fell in love with someone else, and she had an affair with him. (With time, counseling, and also help from medication, I'm finally doing better. I still love her deeply, but I've adjusted to living as a single dad co-parenting our youngest kids, and I am working on self-improvement ...for my own sake, and for raising my kids.)
P.S. Lostmyteddybear - most men have difficulty dealing with feelings, and even more so with talking about feelings. ā¢ Much of this is a common characteristic of men to be more action-focused than emotionally-attuned. (This is why a husband so often try to suggest solutions to problems their wife wants to talk about, when her need is for him to listen and empathize.) It doesn't mean that we don't care, because in fact a lot of men do care, and care very deeply. We are just wired to be the hero-king who saves the day for our own queen.
ā¢ Part of this is because of the perception that society views men as "weak" if they have emotional or mental struggles.
ā¢ Part of this is because we men feel like we should be able to solve our own problems, as well as to provide for and protect the ones we love. (The mentality of a husband is often that he needs to sacrifice for family, and prove himself to the world.)
ā¢ Part of this is that many of us are not taught to seek help, even when that's what we need most.
From a male perspective, I'd have to say that a man's greatest enemies are feelings of shame and powerlessness (particularly when it comes to his sense of obligation to his wife/partner, then to his family, and then in his chosen work).
I know the emptiness inside and the pain of a relationship ending, you sound like I used to sound 30+ years ago. I know that when long term relationships (I was with my girl for 7 years, she was afraid to marry) or marriages end, it is never all the blame of one person, as you are putting accountability upon yourself. I donāt know who taught you to blame yourself for everything, but you canāt completely heal until you start being kinder to yourself. You will heal and get better if you understand that itās not a hill you climb in one day, itās a lifelong process that requires daily learning, training, practice, and growth, that is never finished. As long as you remain committed to the process of getting and staying well, youāll get well and be well. It gets easier with time.
You describe getting treatment with medications that are used for depression, and I think possibly having ADHD. If I have learned one important thing about people with these conditions who thrive and succeed, they only have partners who are supportive of them getting the proper treatment and medication, and are patient with a process that can be painstakingly slow, and because we live in the U.S., our healthcare system is very poorly developed compared to other first world nations. The husband you barely describe in your posts does not sound like this person, he sounds like a person who expects you to function perfectly, but is not supportive of you getting the medications and treatments you need several times of every day, or you canāt give him that very cruel patriarchal life you describe with such sad longing like you actually miss it. I get it, sometimes people who have never been treated awesome great, donāt even know what that experience is like, so they miss kind of being treated low key unimportant and arms length not a priority. Hell if itās a choice between that or being entirely abandoned, being low key an unimportant sidekick in someoneās life isnāt so bad. Listen, you are going to be so well someday, you wonāt allow anyone into your life because you will have standards too high for anyone to live up to. We really canāt make a great partner for anyone, until we learn to take better care of ourselves, and become capable of caring for others while having very clear boundaries of what we will not put up with, and what we expect, and we donāt budge on those.
Good luck on your journey, I hope you find very qualified psychologists to help you work through your issues, and psychiatrist to help you get on medications that help you with manageable side effects. They are out there, we donāt always find the right ones on the first try, but keep looking until you do.
absolutely spot on! I wrote her a book and yet you could say the basically the same in nice short versionā¦ I wish I could!
Iāve tried so many meds over the past 17 years itās crazy! And symptoms change over the years tooā¦ like my psychiatrist asked me, why didnt you go to a specialist like me for medication, instead of your family doc? These are specialized drugs and specialized docs are best to decide what to use. Said docs do ok, BUT I had a few meds together that really donāt work together Sad thinking of the wasted time! Iām glad you mentioned pharmacistā¦ Iāve got a relationship w mine. She has helped soooo much Sheās like a mini doc! Ahhhh once again Iām rambling!
The only thing I see wrong with your brain is you've set it up for failure by saying things like "it's ridiculous that I need that"... says who? Short people need ladders. Its not ridiculous. Pale people need sunscreen. Its not ridiculous. Diabetics need insulin. It's not ridiculous.
Stop judging your brain based on other people's ability. They have their own tools that they need.... self management IS as ADULT as it gets.
impossible for a zebra to be a happy feeling like a failed horse
THIS! This above is so accurate! I never thought of it like that! I knew I shouldnāt compare myself to others, now I see I may be comparing to the wrong group all together. Iām printing this out and to the fridge it goesā¦ oh maybe bathroom mirror Daily reminders are great! Thank you for sharing
Iām sobbingā¦. I double and triple checked if I actually wrote your post and forgot! I mean it! Your situation, feelings, surroundings are mine too! My husband left in 2020 after 19 yrs marriage! Iāve medicated since birth of only child in 2006.
I can tell you KEEP SEARCHING FOR BEST DOC AND CORRECT THERAPIES!!!!! Iām 53 and just tested my stupid effing brainā¦ lol and it proved to me that ADD is what Iāve been dealing with for years!!! Even tho everyone has only focused on depression!! I knew I had depression too BUT I WANTED to DO things, but broke down filled with hate because Iām pathetic and canāt handle basic life skills!!! Couldnāt focus, couldnāt decide what equally important task was the one to start, couldnāt make a routineā¦. In turn making me depressed again!! And nothing accomplished! Not even a shitty dinner! Cereal is good tho!!!
As a 40,50ā¦ etc ā¦ truth isā¦ I really wonder what my purpose was, why am I existing!?? I KNOW I have purpose even if I donāt know exactly whatā¦ maybe itās to inspire someone else or maybe Iām supposed to learn from another?!!?
I donāt know if you have any type of faithā¦. I believed in god but canāt say I was very seasoned nor church going person. Well something told me to search for marriage help groups on fb. Helped so much! Then people of faith shared the phrase āstand for marriageā.. I didnāt understand! But it was what I had been doing already since my husband leftā¦ BELIEVING in us, believing in our marriage, our love, our family! Lost hope many times! My husband didnāt want divorce when he left.. but few months later he asked for divorce š¤¢ š® well I had started working with a LIFE COACH and she taught me how to react deal cope breath even! I calmly told him no I donāt think thatās the answer. I told him I needed to think. Mind you Iām weak emotional freak out kind of person thought I would die if he left but here I was surving! Few days later I met w him and told him my requestā¦ that I needed 6 months to prepare myself (SAHM 16 yrs) and our daughter for the future. To become independent, BUT also for him to have the time to really make sure itās what he wanted. Reminded him in sickness abs in health, that neither of us chose this, I sure as hell donāt wonāt itā¦ death at times seem kinder to my family that the shell of a person that was sitting there. I told him at 6 month if he really felt the same way then I would grant the divorce. I was terrified!! Never was so calm mature and honestly IMPRESSIVE! lol Well my husband returned home a year ago. He was gone 2. At 6 months he came to me said I hope you havenāt been thinking too much about the divorce because I want to work on our marriage! Things arenāt exactly honeymoon great. But our love keeps us going! We both have struggled we both need help Marriage is for life in my book and I think my husbands too. Too many quite cuz life sucks at times. You could have quit, I could have āquitā and made the easy choiceā¦ not saying ANYONE SHOULD CHOOSEā¦ āyou know whatā. Donāt even like the say the wordā¦ but no we survived!
I know Iāve rambled and Iām sorry I type like I speakā¦ my point is, fight for your marriage. Both of you get help. Iābe found a marriage counselor that specializes in ADD. Havenāt gone yet but Iām hopeful he can help us both see each others side of things I KNOW my husband doesnāt āgetā what Iām dealing with. I know he sees lazy adult that is blowing off basics LIKE dinner, hygiene, cleaning and the list goes on! And unfortunately meds therapy havenāt helped over the years. I know why now! WRONG KIND OF THERAPY! Iām now working with a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) therapist. She gives me homework, she explains things, and so much more! ADD mimics depression in so many ways women are misdiagnosed OFTEN. Donāt look for JUST therapy and a psychiatrist (oh and if you donāt have one prescribing your meds, GET ONE!) look for ADHD/ADD specialist, look on ADDitude.Com for more info on therapy. Call insurance company for reference Look for CBT in your area. Support groups. Look into Christian marriage, if that pertains to you. I think that was the biggest benefit from my marriage I started to understand how people SHOULD treat each other. How to step back a bit, take the selfish (not saying in a shitty way) outlook out of the marriage. The he does this Ill do this then.. silence, anger words etc. What I noticed is if I looked and treated my husband almost like I would a total stranger, like an elderly personā¦ I was kinder, softer, more understanding etc (not a suck butt) and he would respond back the sameā¦ it brought a shiftā¦
Omg Iāve gone on way tooooo long! Itās hard not to share all the advice and wisdom learned along the wayā¦ because you can hope so much it can help someone! Iāll be sending up some prayers for tou Hope you donāt mind. Check fb for some groups It was so helpful! Omg almost forgotā¦ check out marriage helper dot com (not sure if can post links) they are AMAZING!!! Helpful free resource podcast YouTube and check the Gottman method up to Soooo good Many blessings to you. We have the control over everything in our livesā¦ we just have to belive it! Weāre survivors.- I believe youāll find some help that feels right for you. Hubby will see! š šš»
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I can't imagine how a typical brain works.
How do I make our marriage work? 
Do you have support at home?
Support to understand ADHD
My BF dumped me because of my ADHD. 
