Do you have support at home?

[Ibshopin]

I've been struggling with ADD my whole life, I was diagnosed about 15 years ago. I'm 52 years old. I have been married for 32 years and I am very unhappy, I feel I have no support at home with anything. I have 3 sons, don't live with us, so it's just me, him and our pets. As with most ADDERS my house is a wreck. You know how it is piles of things that need to get done. The thing is not everything needs to be done by just me, such as doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, cleaning the bathroom, you get the point. I have gotten to the point if I want something done I just do it myself because asking him is useless. For example, I wanted some wires run through the wall to hook our TV up over our fireplace. What could have been accomplished in a day or two took me a couple weeks because I had to keep going up and down stairs. Or hanging a ceiling fan in my sons room, or I had an ironing board that goes in the wall between the studs, which sat in our garage for 3 years before I finally did it myself. It seems like anything that is important to me is less important than anything I want done.

He tries to make excuses like it's all my fault that our house is a mess. I will ask him to do something simple like make sure the sink is empty at night or take your bottles and put in the recycling, which I moved right by the door, all he has to do is open the door and throw them out there. And he still won't do it. He does suffer from depression and is on meds but he has taken it upon himself to cut back on what he is taking, plus I know he doesn't tell the doctor everything that is going on, I know he blames me for a lot of his problems, so of course the doctor only knows what he is telling him. He is a very private person and doesn't like anyone to know anything about him but it is driving me crazy. One, I'm not one to keep everything to myself, so by telling anyone my problems is not okay by his standards. He is the type of person everyone likes, "he's such a nice person". No one really knows what he is really like. He is not abusive, he don't yell at me, but he shows his emotions on his face and body language. During one of our counceling sessions we had years ago it was discussed how I could read his emotions better than him because he was taught to hide them when he was growing up. I struggle every day with my emotions, besides ADD I have depression, anxiety and bipolar. I know a lot of it is a result of his unacceptable of his problems. I can't tell him what to do, only he can make the decision to get the right type of help. I would love to go for counceling or therapy but we don't have the money to be able to afford it. We have had a significant income change in the past couple years, we both lost our jobs, his due to out governor cutting the funding for the film industry and all the jobs are literally gone and my job just ended. Unfortunately it happened at the same time. Neither one of us has any sort of degree, we have just always worked hard and did well for ourselves. But now if you don't have that paper that said you went to school, sorry I got off track.

I guess through bottom line is, do you have help and support at home and how do they help you. I feel so alone and everything is my responsibility and he feels like he has to work so he shouldn't have to do anything else. It's probably my fault because I have always did it, but I just can't keep going on like this.

Sorry for such a long post, it's like I start talking and I can't stop.

[distracted1]

WOW. I understand you. I was always in denial about my ADHD. As I kid I just over compensated for everything - but I was always a disorganized mess! FINALLY, I had had enough and was diagnosed as an adult. To which it was like a weight was lifted but its also been quite a struggle.

My husband and I have been married for fifteen years, and have known each other longer than that. I have always been the same person - at least I have thought that - but now with kids and pets and a house and work and keeping it all together, its quite a daunting task.

I too feel that like he could just lend a hand instead of telling me that I am the reason things are such a mess. I constantly get things like, "If I do it, then you will never learn to do it" which is pretty absurd in my opinion. I mean, how hard is it to learn that the garbage is full or to unload a dishwasher or put away folded clothing. HAHA! Anyway, I digress (which is SO normal for me!)

Like right now, the WHOLE house is asleep ...and I here I was just 5 minutes ago cleaning the kitchen, putting up laundry and picking up the house before I even think of heading to bed - all this with a pulled back (so I am slower than crap getting things done now...oh the joys). Don't get me wrong, he does do things around the house - especially anything that needs to be done outdoors - but I get so mad sometimes that he just doesn't THINK to lend a hand with other things. See my folding laundry, YOUR laundry, help me do it. See me struggling to put the dishes away so that the sink can be emptied, help me do it. See that one of the kids cant find __, help them find it. I could list a million things.

When I am feeling crazy and overwhelmed, I look to this site for people who are going though something similar. I feel that its a good outlet. You aren't alone in what you are going though, not for one second. Although it might feel that way because our significant others do not have ADHD/ADD and they cannot fully understand what our brains work like. I don't know about you, but my mind goes a mile a minute and I have to remind myself not to have that happen. Whereas my husband is the polar opposite of me - completely organized, OCD and always on time (or early) every time he needs to be somewhere. So, then I get under his skin because my brain isn't wired the same.

I have started to keep schedules, lists and focus on ONE area in my house at a time. I set timers, and, as funny as it sounds, actually reward myself when I finish something BEFORE the timer sounds. I listen to music ALL the time, genre to fit my mood, and try to tune out everything else for a few minutes every day (this is difficult though for me!) Someone recommended meditation - this is something that honestly I cannot wrap my head around...so I just gave that up.

Try to find something that you enjoy and make sure that you do that - and don't look at the whole house, select a piece and work there. Then just change it up each day and get things done. Make them into little projects. Not huge overbearing ones. Remember, slow and steady wins the race.

Hang in there.

[BusyMomTeacher in reply to distracted1]

I too, have been married 15 years. I'm a teacher. I loved reading your post reply to the previous person's! We also have 2 kids and pets. I was semi fine until after all the responsibilities and challenges started piling. I have struggled my whole life and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I cannot take stimulants, so I will be starting Gabapentin (sp?) soon. We shall see....Good luck to you!

[distracted1 in reply to BusyMomTeacher]

Funny, I too am a teacher! Recently diagnosed as well so I get you and where you are coming from. I take Concerta right now and I see a difference. Good luck finding a medicine that works for you. Its a challenge but just talk to your doctor about it and eventually there will be one that will work. I hear ya when you say you were fine until the responsibilities started getting to be too much. It got SO difficult for me that I actually thought about changing careers completely. Teaching is a stressful job and then to add everything else on TOP of that was a lot. I am glad that I had a persistent friend who pushed me to go see a doctor who diagnosed my ADHD. It really helped open up my eyes and make me realize that I am ok, that I will BE ok, and that I can work to help make small changes that help in the long run. Medicine is only a small part - I also decided to see a cognitive behavior specialist for a while. So far, strategies I am working on there are truly helpful. Since my mind is always going a mile a minute, I need to remind myself (constantly!!) to slow down and not say yes to everything all the time. Easier said than done.

[BusyMomTeacher in reply to distracted1]

Ha! Yes, Ive started saying "no" as well. I DO want to please everyone all the time- but just not possible. I tried cognitive behavioral therapy, but it was too time consuming and too cumbersome. I forget about what we talked about, and simply just didn't have time. Writing in a planner just isn't going to happen. Now if I had extra hours in the day and to have to "attempt" going to sleep (as sleep is such a joke for me, being I can't do it!!!) My kids have activities after Im done with work, and that's a lot of time. Such is life though. I wake up at 4:30 daily to get kids ready and myself. My husband works nights and sleeps during the day, so i do everything alone mostly. He wakes up and takes my son to baseball and I take mt daughter tp things. If he wasnt so cheap, I would hire a housecleaning, being that seems to be my job as well Sorry for the soap box! Ha! I hope you've had a great week so far Hang in there...

[distracted1 in reply to BusyMomTeacher]

I recently was talking to my sister and casually told her that I should literally go "on strike" seeing as I apparently cannot get "anything done". Just so that my husband can see ALL the things that are done every damn day that he never has to lift a finger for. That'll be the day! Haha...

[BusyMomTeacher in reply to distracted1]

I like that! Maybe Ill do that too. They have NO idea how much we do.

[Ibshopin in reply to distracted1]

I tried that, he didn't notice, lol

[kaa615]

It's all typical. With me I start something then move to something else. Never finishing. I do get support in the sense of not relating to my illness. If I talk about any medical issue I have there is no sympathy. I think it comes down to not being able to relate. I think spouses should be required to go to the doctor for illnesses they may never have to deal with. Just so they can hear it from a professional. I always felt like I deal with my illnesses alone. There's always the psychological thinking coming from having depression so I feel sorry for myself and can't get anything done. Always feel inadequate and wonder why can't I just do this?

People think we'll just "get over it" is the mentality. Yeah, ok let's just get over diabetes. It is a mental issue, all in the head. But it is NOT something you just whip out a hand and say begone.

I have an OCD husband and that doesn't help. No matter how hard or how much I try, it's never enough. I get to the point I just give up and don't really care. It is seen as being lazy. Ladies this is the most bogus thought considering how much we try, but we do play into that mindset.

No one can ever understand our struggles unless they have gone through it and experienced it. Of, course there are no clearcut rules, everyone with the illness is different. Definitely going through it alone is lonely.

I am glad I found this site where I can spill out my thoughts and have people who can relate and help each other.

[distracted1 in reply to kaa615]

I am tired of being seen as lazy when all I do is work my tail off. I completely agree with you on that. It is more difficult that my husband is SUPER organized and I am, well, not really on that level - nor have I ever been! HIs OCD tendencies drive me up a wall sometimes, and my constant starting, stopping, starting something ELSE drives him mad. Fun times! One of these days I might get my act "together" enough to actually finish one thing before beginning another! LOL

I too appreciate this site - it is such a relief to relate to others who are going through similar situations. Hang in there!

[BusyMomTeacher in reply to distracted1]

I never finish anything before starting something else. These guys of ours need to just get over that.

[Hidden]

I too have piles all over the house. My boyfriend and I have a cat, and it seems like I am the one who mostly notices the cat box needs to be cleaned. We both have jobs, but it would be nice if he would mop the kitchen sometimes. As it is now, I am the one doing most of the housework. I guess he and I just fell into this rut when I was unemployed, and all he asked of me was to keep the house clean. I will give him credit for washing, drying, and folding the laundry, though. Most of the time he does that.

[LdeVose]

I did not read the entire post in depth, but one thing stood out. Your husband suffers from Depression, as do I. The brain is not sending the right messages, that the reason he is hostile with you is the Depression. Depression warps perception, especially self perception. My 33 year-old son (lives on his own) refuses to accept that his untreated depression is a primary contributor to many of his antisocial idiosyncrasies. He was diagnosed at 23.

[Ibshopin]

What gets me angry is that he knows I have this problem, but it's like, okay. That's it. I have asked that he take his recycling out, I move it right by the door, just open the door and throw it out. I've left note, reminded him and yet today there are 2 beer bottles on the table. I have aslo asked that he not leave dirty dishes in the sink at night, or at the least rinse off the plates. So tonight he puts his dish in the sink with food stuck all over. So I asked him to please wash off the plates, he just gave me a nasty look. I am lost on what to say to encourage him to help around the house. He does wash HIS clothes and if there is anything in the dryer the load is throw on a chair. Now they are wrinkled and I have to fold them! I'm sorry I am bitching but it just helps to get this off my chest, and I am relieved that I am not the only one going through this. Thank you for your support.