Posted a couple of times , but then don’t come back as it all gets overwhelming for me . Turned 50 in June . Diagnosed ASD adhd 3 years ago . Had 3 years of total mayhem like never . Lost mum in 21 dad in 17, massive fall out with my two older siblings and don’t talk any more . I’m a dad of 4, 2 youngest 13/14 my own and 2 eldest 24/21 my step kids but by class as own . I don’t get anything any more . Fears of future, not affording private rent , ending up alone , getting older ( watched my parents become lonely and frail and dad develop dementia that killed him). All this haunts me . Daily . I’ve been out of work since 21. I volunteer 3 Mornings a week , and get on great with all there , and they respect what I do for them . But at home , with wife and kids , I feel like I’m the child , watching all get older , and panic . I feel awkward around my own wife and kids . I’ve been on anti depressants since a car accident ( severe ) in 92 . Enjoyed a few years in the party scene raving and taking class a drugs , which has me feeling great . I’ve tried a few stimulants , all kinda worked but left me feeling so so anxious , as the difference between on them and off was so huge , my body couldn’t tell what was normal or right .
I feel like I’m giving up on achieving anything . I get daily thoughts on my life of how things were so bad , how I was the one causing issues , not the others , the jobs I lost due to me , and all the time pre diagnosis thinking it was just the people around me that have the issues . I feel as if now this is it , things will
Always be a struggle . I’m so thoughtful all the time , like in watching life go by . I need to be back in work , I have worked since I was 15, holding jobs for 2 years , 10 years and so on . But now my brain won’t let me apply . The fear of drudgery , every day . And I’m so tired now , how the hell will I cope ?
My wife is currently off work long term sick due to stress from work , and the things that have occurred in our family life over the last few years , deaths etc . So now I’m thinking I HAVE to be be back in work and quick . But I can’t bring myself to . Fills me full of doom . Our eldest kids pay board whilst they are at home , and I know , when they leave , we are financially screwed . My wife doesn’t seem to worry . It will all be alright . Don’t stress etc, but my gut says nooo, we are screwed ….. I feel as if I need to be told what to do ?!! It’s so strange . Like I just am drifting until someone says otherwise .
im in therapy , and he has said a lot of my feelings are totally normal ? But I just don’t know what is a normal thought any more ? Or what even bloody normal is ??
I will be out doing somehting occupying me , and may feel nice and good for an hour or so ( normally physical ) but then my mind says No, think of the future , the rent , the job , the health , and I just then go back to stress and trying to plan everything , and it’s always with a negative outcome in my mind .
Feeling screwy here . Yet 1 beer on a Friday night ? My mind goes calm and present .
What is going on .
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Colls47
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sorry , that was a long post . To add to that , it seems when I’m focussed on something , it’s a bit better , but with no focus to do , no plan, my mind slips in to looking observing thinking dooming predicting future remembering all the shit and sad stuff , and it’s hell. For sure , a lot has happened , parents gone and brothers no longer part of life , all were people I felt I related to , felt seen by , didn’t have to be anything , and they were my little escape place when I went to see them ( had gone to see my parents most weekends ever since my 30s. )
The jobs I had made me feel normal in that I was part of what was considered normal , and had mates that were having their own issues . Now that’s all gone , I feel like a kids lost . Jesus , I’m 50 ? Surely I should have my crap together ? If not now , then I never will ? I still rent ? Surely I should have been more money savvy and got a house ?? I’ve worked so so hard , but here I am ? What is the point in fighting so hard to be here where I am !? I’ve lost the ability to get up and keep trying to get somehwere ? I’m a perfectionist and have always managed to nearly achieve my perfectionism , but now I can’t be arsed , and feel failed .
My youngest son was diagnosed ASD , and I watch him and worry for him.
I also seem to become the people. I spend time worn ? Like I don’t know me ? My wife who ain’t worry worry as me , when I’m with her , I feel myself not bothering , and then feel agitiated as we should both be panicky no ?! Oh my god this is so strange .
You definitely need to fill your time more. I’ve always been a perfectionist no matter what kind of work I do. I even was known as the fry queen working fast food in my teen years. That was 30 years ago!?
Find a fast paced job that works with your experience and personality. Don’t disregard part time. Also, find hobbies that also fill your time, since busy minds are amazing for us. Even just walking and paying attention to nature or doing a weekly yoga or other exercise will help.
When I read this, I could feel the pain and struggle and it touched me as there's a lot I relate to in your story.
I took was diagnosed later in life, 59, though struggled my entire life with ADHD. But now it seems very different, harder, even though I know what's going on with me and working to treat my condition.
I don't think it's due to finding out I had ADHD, I have never not had it. But if I look at how far I have come through therapy, medication, learning about my condition, ADHD coaching, and a lot of self work, it is night and day from where I was- even in those times I consider "good times" of the past. I am not beating myself up as much, definitely not depressed as much as I use to be (which seemed to be all the time), and I am finding ways to move forward when I need to, even when it's just small steps.
Still Happiness and motivation always seem just an inch out of reach more now than other times in my life. I think this is tied to figuring out who I am. My life has been spent as a people pleaser making other's happy, taking on their like, while ignoring my own.
I am discovering myself for the first time, trying to figure out what I want my life to be- what's left of it. For me, not yet knowing what I want, what I even like can make action hard. After all if my brain isn't interested, getting to do something is hard and painful. (but getting easier with practice).
I just try to keep taking small steps, without getting too caught up on the bigger picture of what I need to do to avoid getting overwhelmed. I use the Pomadora technique to get me rolling with small tasks. And on good days I am surprised at all I have gotten done. And on bad days, I just try to give myself a break.
The best thing I ever heard (and can't remember where) was this- Don't think your are stuck. Stuck makes you think there not much you can do. Think of yourself as stopped. Because if you are stopped, all you have to do is get moving. For me this might even be to take a walk, do something small, clean out email for 20 minutes. Anything to get you from stopped to moving.
There's no way for my to totally understand what you are going through, they pain and bleakness you may feel. But change is possible and we have to be patience with how long it takes.
🙏🙏 Thank you for your reply , and for relating . And I’m pleased you have found some way forward !!! I like the not stuck part . It sure as hell feels I need someone to tell me now what to do . But stopped feels and sounds better . Thank you .
DBT may definitely be a good thing for you then. They don’t tel you what to do, but they help you learn new techniques to problem solve with them and learn to be more independent on things like this.
Patience is the key. Those of us coming our diagnosis late in life have a lot to unlearn and discover about ourselves, some of those things will take much longer than others.Also we have to learn not to beat ourselves up, at least I did and am still working on it. Learning when we need to say "this is not working, and I need a break," verses we we still must dig in if we don't feel like it. ADHD doesn't remove our duties and responsibilities, we just need to learn what works for us to keep going when we must.
Again, it takes time and you are not alone in the struggle. If nothing else this forum helps in understanding these common struggles as well as learning strategies others have found to be helpful.
Pomodoro has helped many people with ADHD. Another popular technique is body doubling. The app dubbii has been helpful for this as well, but other than hyperfixating, I’m doing well in getting things done. I just prefer larger chunks to do things.
I have a lot of thoughts like this when I’m not on the right anxiety meds. The ADHD meds help me with redirecting my brain, and the anxiety ones help me choose whether or not to entertain those thoughts. I’m also starting DBT therapy, which is supposed to help me take control of those thoughts, regulate my emotions and communicate better.
These concerns are definitely normal, but it it sounds like they are taking over your life and you are somehow perseverating on them rather being in the here and now. This is normal for ADHD brains that are unmediated, but it’s not normal for neurotypical.
Hey thanks for the reply . I’m trying my best to navigate this new found reality , reality that came about after diagnosis . This is me , I’ll read reply’s , go Ahh, thank god , I haven’t got dementia or going mad . And then carry in suffering . It’s as if there’s a block to actually taking action , be that for work For me etc ? Like I’m waiting for someone else to do it ? Sounds mad right ? I did self medicate for years with class a drugs and was great , then codeine after a major op. But now I dare not touch a thing as my ASD mind says it’s soooo wrong and will kill me . I will re read these later and take note . Is it a thing to live how you see others living ? I find that so weird , but think that’s what I do ???
Can you elaborate on “is it a thing to live how you see others living”?
Though some things people do is normal/expected, whatever way works for you to get that done should be fine (like chores). Everyone lives differently, so don’t put yourself in a box you think everyone else is in… as long as you are caring for yourself and your personal environment (home and family). My partner blares music when he works. I binge shows or listen to podcasts when I do. There’s always accommodations for doing things differently. My partner gets out of the funk to get things done by having alarms, and refusing to push stop (push snooze) until it gets done. We also have a communal to do list and grocery list. Most people don’t do that I think, but whatever works.
I meant I’m like a chameleon . I seem to mould me into whoever I am with , if I’m with really happy upbeat people , I feel happy and upbeat , but if I’m with people who are low and depressed , I become that aswell ?
Most people adjust to environments like that. My ADHD and anxiety just makes me a spaz when I try to adjust to situations. It’s a good thing, trust me. Just pay attention to the situations that give you more energy and which ones take energy away after you’ve been in them. Spend more time in the ones that give you energy so you aren’t burned out and take it out on the ones you love.
I was diagnosed 2 weeks before my 50th, about 1.8 years ago now. Although our situations are different, they are remarkably similar in a number of ways that other people would not understand. It is quite a thing to be diagnosed after 20 years of wrong diagnoses and 40+ failed meds, only to find that now this ADHD thing is quite advanced and my brain simply does not work like it did in earlier years. The last decade has been a steep decline, especially, and it's been incredibly scary, with lost jobs, unhappy marriage, money troubles, family deaths (seriously dysfunctional family at that), the lot.
All that said, all I can tell you is to try to find a way to help your brain slow down a bit, and figure out out to make it a habit. I discovered that getting busy doing something with my hands had a rather interesting and and nearly immediate calming effect. Not calming, really, but more like a positive distraction. It could be something as simple as going in the garage to paint that thing I told my wife I'd paint a year ago and never got done. Silly little things like organizing and cleaning, putting in a new shelf on that wall to organize all that stuff I have laying about in piles because "I know where they are".
Yes, it's uncomfortable for a while, until it's not. Then you start appreciating it; looking forward to it as part of a quick break/relaxation technique that you do 2-5 times per day, especially if you work from home.
Next thing you know, you're actually doing the dished in the sink. Every night, no less. AND taking out the trash, AND it doesn't put you over the edge like it used to, but you never understood why.
This is the difficult part of accepting and understanding how to develop coping mechanisms to manage one's ADHD at this late stage, when so much cognitive damage has been done, but there it is.
I always lived my life with an inside-out approach in terms of pushing through everything by sheer will power and white-knuckling every single thing in my life. This worked until it just became too hard and then it just didn't work anymore. Then things started breaking down, and at a faster clip, so inasmuch as I appreciate finally getting the correct diagnosis, it has been incredibly challenging to manage and reinvent myself, at least to a degree.
Now, it's about using my body as a tool to crank the engine, so to speak, from the outside-in instead. Work with your hands. Complete a simple task, learn to pull away when it's done, even if you want to continue for hours, etc. Then, when the 'engine is warm', I can much better manage with a bit of inside-out, actually directing my willpower bit by bit. When I feel I start going off the rails again, take a little break, go do something with my hands for 5-10 minutes, set a timer, walk away, go back to my desk and keep moving forward.
It is a bummer that sooooo much self-maintenance and self-policing has to go into it, but eventually, you start seeing it as a positive, and, let's face it, there's no way around all these cognitive challenges that may our day to day so complicated, difficult and frankly, painful.
All that said, I can tell you I started spending six months on my couch, not being able to even leave the house. I started developing symptoms of Parkinson's and Alzheimer's disease, in early onset form. It scared the crap out of me, as I was losing range of motion, the ability to move, period, and when I did, my balance was affected, like a frail old man. My vision became increasingly blurry as well and I started dissociating from reality in ways I never had before. Scariest period of my life.
By slowly unwinding the physical part, I was able to finally leave the house to go on walks in the park by my house, get natural sunlight in my eyes, and eventually that led to getting back in the pool to swim laps, as I did as a teenager in competitive swimming 30 years ago.
Here we are a year later after that, and I go to the gym 4-5 times per week to swim now, I'm putting in 3000yds in one hour, give or take, and the rest of my day, though still challenging, is much more manageable. I get more done, in less time, I have a brighter disposition (thank GOD!), and even though I've been looking for work nonstop for 1 year, I have recovered my sense of self-worth and I am a much better friend to myself that I believe I have ever been in my life, to be honest.
What do I get in exchange for the swimming? I take out the trash every day now, I do the dishes, I cook, I clean, I prep meals, I fix things around the house, I paint walls that need it, I do the weekly grocery shopping AND plan the meals, I get up earlier, I network better and more for work, I send out more CVs, I am a better father to my girls and I do not let my wife's incredible negativity and put downs affect me anymore (she's a 'normie'), and on and on and on. So, you see, the pool gives back much more than it takes. And I actually enjoy it now!
Anyway, I hope this is in some way inspiring to you or at least gives you some ideas of what to do, but as I've read in many books now, physical movement is crucial, and aerobic exercise for 45 minutes, at least 4-5 times per week is paramount. This is calming, helps memory, balance, mood, interpersonal interactions, achievement, project completion, time management, and all the rest of it. Mind you, I have HATED exercising my whole life. I swim for my brain now, not my body, and that makes all the difference, even if my body benefits, it's a definite #2 on the list. You can just go out for a walk with no headphones, no other distractions. Try doing in a park - reconnect with the physical world and deal with proprioception running up and down hills if you do some sprints here and there. Get comfortable with physically uncomfortable and just keep doing it. It doesn't matter how simple and quick it is. You'll build up a tolerance faster than you realize and you'll start getting into great habits that will self-reinforce.
I'm sure that the therapist isn't accounting for how much of the time and how big those "normal" feelings are.
While most people might have similar types of feelings, the average person probably has never experienced them to the same level that I'm sure that you are.
If you feel like the therapist is trying to make you feel better because "anyone would feel the same way", they aren't helping you right.
It sounds like you feel stuck, like you are unable to get out of this place you've fallen into. To be honest, it sounds to me like the depression that I was in (as a result of my marriage failing, the subsequent divorce, and my struggles adjusting to life since then). Except that it sounds like your struggle is more persistent than mine was.
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Volunteering is good, but since you need work, maybe you can start with something part-time, or do odd jobs/gig work.
Since you have generally been at a job for around 2 years at a time (which is very typical with ADHD), maybe look for work which isn't the same all the time.
Most of my jobs have had variation in duties, which has kept them from being boring. (There was one job that had too much variation, but I wonder if the manager was trying to get me to quit. It was like my job description was being rewritten every few months...I did not like that manager at all, and that wasn't even the main reason.)
That gets me to another point about work...the people that you work with can have a tremendous effect on whether it will be a good experience for you, or a bad one. I've had some jobs working with people who demonstrated inclusion and respect for one another, and other jobs where people were treated poorly, like parts in a machine that could be replaced at any time.
When you feel valued in a work organization, then you might feel sad at the thought of leaving. A good work role can make you feel like you are valuable and appreciated.
From a male perspective, it's easy for us to identify ourselves by what we do. That's why it's a common conversation starter for men to ask, "So, what do you do?"
Men inherently identify with terms of respect and recognition for what they are able to do.
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Think back on the things you've done (work or otherwise), and think about what has made you feel your best self.
What was it that made you feel that way?
Was it the type of work that you did?
Was it the people that you were working with, or doing work for?
Was it the satisfaction of putting out some sort of quality product or service?
Was it that you got to engage in some special interest of yours?
Maybe journal about it. And think about what you might do to recapture that feeling.
Hey thanks for the reply . I’ve been meaning to reply but trying to avoid going over and over how I’m struggling . Just re enforces how I feel .
Work wise . Held jobs for 8 years one for ten years and 2 x 2 year jobs . All have been sales , service , or finance . I think it was always the social side that really made a job work . The ten year role ,had a big social circle , and was good at the role , but as with all , had my run ins with mangers throughout . The ten year rule ended up with me being at the receiving end of being bullied out by a new head of manager , and me then taking on a year long battle for compensation ( a silencing agreement ) , same happened again a few years later when working at a bank , another bullied out and getting another silencing payoff . Both have left me real jaded about work , and tbh , sad and feeling like I cause issues . These were both before diagnosis of ASD and adhd .
The depression - on off anti d since 1992 . Always feeling like an out cast / different .
You are very right in it’s the people that really decide if a job will suit me or not . Jobs that have worked are jobs where I’ve been able to have a laugh etc with work colleagues . Banking was a massive no, as it was sooooo serious and sooo tense ( I’m tense all the time anyway so this was not good )
I’m just feeling lost . Think I always have done you know ? And the Losing of parents and brothers have left me feeling very alone , despite having my kids and wife .
We think all my kids and wife are neuro diverse. My youngest son being the only one diagnosed ASD , which lead to my diagnosis .
It’s weird and head frying, as I spent my whole life trying to mimic others , becoming others , to fit in, and felt I had been doing well . Albeit using class a at time , but the.mn met wife with the two kids , and two of our own , and now I’m with a fairly neuro diverse family , I’m trying to work out what’s what ? It’s so so hard mentally , and tiring . They are big talkers , I’m not , I don’t like to chill, my wife prefers to , I’m a worrier , they are not . So me trying to mimic anyone is impossible .
Sorry, ramble . Depression is no doubt there , loss of parents is massive as going to see my mother for many years at weekends and the years before she passed , was an out for me , a GOING HOME feeling, and it kinda filled a gap . A safety net .
Anyway, I think being out of work has also made me lose all my self respect and esteem . My strong work ethic says man works and provides . So to me . I’m failing . I think this may also be an ASD trait , as we have strong rights and wrongs , what’s is normal and what aint , basically everything society has told me growing up is how I am supposed to live .🤯
My therapist basically says the feelings I have are normal . And he does say that now I’m 50, things change , and I need to accept this . But I don’t think this is just what it is ? The thoughts and fears of losing my ability to live , never working , losing our rented house , kids moving out, getting dementia like my dad , growing old and lonely like my mum , these go round and round , but apparently this is normal ? Wow, everyone must be very fed up ?
Lastly , when volunteering , it’s good . The people are great , I am highly appreciated and thanked , I feel I have a purpose , and my mind is clearer at times , and does re generate me for a while . But self thing is , when I’m there , I always have the feeling I should be at home with wife and making sure that’s all ok ………. Oh my god my mind .
I wal , I volunteer , I’ve taken on an allotment which is great , but it’s not enough . I’m not earning . And I’m in my head scared .
Anyway , apart from that , I’m dandy ! And came to say Thankyou for replying .
Thanks for sharing more.If I'm reading this right, it seems that your work roles were all social. You mentioned that when you're able to laugh with others at work is when it's a good experience for you.
Being 50 makes you "middle-aged", which is a time of life that many people do experience a particular sort of struggle, the "midlife crisis". Research goes back and forth about the midlife crisis phenomenon, but it's still generally believed to exist. It can start as early as late 30s and can extend as late as mid 60s. It's a period of self-questioning, sometimes an attempt to recapture youth or live out some lifelong dream, or trying to find purpose. It's often marked by depression. It's different for everyone who goes through it.
At 49, I'm there, too. I spend a lot of time thinking about the past (what has happened in my life and what might have been) and the future (what my pool later years will look like if my life continues on it's current course). My ex-wife went through her own midlife crisis, which led to her divorcing me.
It's my kids that keep me grounded in the present. They need me. If it wasn't for them, I might still be wallowing in sorrow.
I'm trying to keep focused on improving my life situation, both for my kids and for my self-development.
When your life goes through some bad things, it's common to experience feelings of loss and even trauma... sometimes to the level of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) or CPTSD (Complex PTSD, which unlike regular PTSD doesn't have a specific triggering event or circumstance).
But some research has revealed that some people go through a period of growth following the trauma, dubbed Post Traumatic Growth (PTG).
Since I know this can happen, I'm actually more focused on trying to grow from my circumstances. I'm focusing on learning new things. I'm looking for a better job (hopefully one that's a lot better paying). And I'm planning to return to college part-time to finish a degree.
I don't have it all together yet. I'm still a bit of a wreck. But I'm not giving up on myself and my kids.
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It might take some time, but you can turn things around. You can find your way again.
Volunteering can be a great way to restore the soul. What is it about the volunteering that you get the most personal benefit from?
Maybe you can find some sort of work that you can do part-time, to get yourself back into the mindset of working again.
• Reflect on what you did well, what you enjoyed doing, your skills and talents, and how you can use your experience.
• Think about other careers that interest you. It's not too late to change career tracks, if you want to do that.
• It sounds like the biggest problems that you had at work were with bad managers. Do you think that you could be a better one? Do you think that you could be the kind of manager that you would have liked to have? Consider that your years of experience might make you well qualified for a management role.
• As a possible test of whether you might make a good leader, consider asking if you can have some sort level of responsibility in your volunteering. That might give you a greater sense of purpose and greater level of satisfaction from doing it.
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I can’t stand up for myself at work and it’s getting me down
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