Support to understand ADHD

[NFDXB]

Hi all, looking for some advice as I am feel very low, sad and unnoticed, and trying to make sense of it all. My boyfriend hasn't been diagnosed with ADHD, in fact before we met no one in his life ever noticed it - how I will never know as he has so many symptoms of ADHD. Of course I am no-one to diagnose him, and I could be wrong but I have 2 very close friends with diagnosed severe ADHD, and I recognise so many behaviours. One of said friends has spoken to him before when he was trying to make sense of behaviours he only just paid attention to, and he said the way they described life was like they were inside his head. My point is, although I have friends with ADHD, I have never been in a relationship with someone with ADHD so I'm experiencing a lot of new things; both within him and myself. I know he is a very very caring loving person and would never want to hurt me but many behaviours, on mass, are breaking my heart. I can't tell you how many times I am speaking to him, and he just isn't listening so he misses important info...the worst example left me standing on my own for 2 hours at night time at an event (supporting him to compete) waiting for him as he had my car keys, whilst he was celebrating with friends and had no second thought about me. Or sometimes when I text him, and he obviously scans through it so quickly or just doesn't read it. Then he genuinely feels awful when he misses something, but because of my reaction he "feels attacked". Because this has been happening on mass for over 14 months, I am going from 0-100 over very little, and I am starting to dislike myself, as its not in my nature to have just a lack of care and patience. I want to understand him, I love him very much which is why I am on here. He goes through stages of wanting to speak with a therapist, then claiming he doesn't need to as "when he has balance in his career, fitness, sleep, eating etc. life is fine". The point i've been trying to make is, life isn't always balanced and we need to learn our triggers and coping mechanisms for these times. & any form of medication is a definite no. Even with his career and finances, he does all the planning but very little of the action. I am drowning a bit more than I want to admit in many ways. With many of his behaviour, I feel really really unloved and unseen and quite alone. And I am losing a lot of confidence and crying a lot - which is very out of character. Can some1 please advise me, are these behaviours normal, and is my reaction normal? Again as these are all new emotions and experiences for me I would really appreciate some guidance. Thank you in advance.

[LisethHIS]

Hello NFDXB,

Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. Building and nurturing any relationship requires effort and commitment, and it sounds like you're really putting in your best. We understand how challenging it can be, and we're here to support you every step of the way. We offer a supportive community specifically for non-ADHD partners like yourself. It can be incredibly beneficial to connect with others who understand what you're going through. aacochadd.org/Support-Group... Feel free to explore and join at your convenience. Additionally, we have some articles that you can read chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-ne... and chadd.org/wp-content/upload... And remember, you're not alone in this journey – we're here to help in any way we can.

If there is any else you may need, please let me know.

Thank you,

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD

chadd.org

[NFDXB in reply to LisethHIS]

Thank you for your kind message of support.

[Jozlynn]

Hello NFDXB!

This is a great place to come for this question. I hope you get some good responses here!

So, my response is two-fold. Yes, these absolutely can be very common characteristics with ADHDers. I forgot my wedding anniversary one year, for example. At the same time, ADHD is not an excuse. We have to actively work really hard to be conscious of actions, like celebrating with friends and forgetting that someone we care about is waiting/depending on us. We tend to have a "now/not now" mindset (it's an ADHD thing) and don't have the same kind of grasp on time that most people do. For us, it can feel like 15 minutes, but we've being doing something for a couple of hours. There's also a lot of truth behind the statement, "out of sight, out of mind" for us - but that absolutely doesn't mean we don't care. It's just the way our brains work and we often can't help it. However, there are things we can do to help mitigate some of it, but you have to choose to understand yourself and ADHD first so you can figure out strategies that will keep these things from happening. The reading over texts really quick and missing key details is something he does have control over, however. Maybe ask him to read your texts twice before he responds.

How badly does he want this relationship to work? If he cares about staying together, then he really does need to look into some kind of 'guidance', because his actions/lack of action is impacting you - and that should matter to him. Whether that's with an ADHD therapist, or maybe even with a coach - either could help him.

As the partner to someone with ADHD, my husband would tell you that there's a lot you have to choose to overlook while also not compromising your own needs and wants. It doesn't fall completely on you to just accept the ADHDer's behavior. If how he's treating you is only making you feel bad, then I would encourage you to see a therapist yourself to see if you really want to stay in this situation. Particularly if he's unwilling to work on himself. If something I'm doing is negatively impacting someone I love, I seek to work on it. To say you don't need help because "if the stars are aligned, everything is great" is a cop out, because as you mentioned - things are not always aligned. He needs tools for when circumstances, etc., throw all that out of wack - which happens often for us. I'd also just like to say that to say he feels attacked because you've expressed where something has hurt/upset you isn't a good look. He should be able to hear how something he's done or said has impacted you and recognize that he's simply not perfect, it's not an attack. It's a topic for discussion.

I wish you all the best in working this out! I hope he'll put in the work to improve your relationship so these kinds of things don't continue.

[NFDXB in reply to Jozlynn]

Hi Jozlynn, I cannot thank you enough for investing your time in responding, and so very eloquently. Your advice is very very helpful and very beautifully written. I just want to reclarify I am no-one to diagnose him, so I feel very guilty even assuming without a professional diagnosis; it's just from my perspective there are so many behaviours that mirror those from ADHD behaviours. I just love him so very much and I really want to understand him, and also understand myself in such a new environment, and learn not to react in such an unhealthy and out of character way; which is when I break. I will take your advice and navigate as best as possible. I am so grateful for your kindness. Wishing you the very best.

[Mamamichl]

both my ex and my current partner have adhd. I learned in my 30s that I and my kids also have it. We all show it differently. My ex showed it similar to yours, though not with the same love yours does (though my current partner is great like yours in that way).

Two ideas. One: you have a special code word or image that you can text to have him snap to attention and respond. Let him and you to come up for it. Sometimes the novelty sticks better in our heads. Another idea is to see if there is a close friend you guys see often that would be willing to let you text them and help your guy transition, like “hey buddy, check your phone” or maybe even guiding him to you. If you bring up a concern and it’s a true friend, you can work as a team to help your partner succeed.

[NFDXB in reply to Mamamichl]

Hi and thank you so much for taking the time to respond and for your advice. Much appreciated. Best wishes to you Mamamichl.

[Mamamichl in reply to NFDXB]

My pleasure! 😊

[peaceneeded]

ADHD is the most "self-diagnosed" disorder out there. Most people who claim to have it have never been diagnosed. The best way to challenge someone who claims to have been diagnosed is to ask them how long their test was and what was involved. I'm sure the types of testing and devices used have come a long way since I was diagnosed ( 1994) but testing is a long-involved process and not conducted in your primary care doctor's office. Many disorders mimic ADHD symptoms and history is very important. If your boyfriend is refusing your self-diagnosis and refuses to be tested for ADHD he could be hiding a deep secret or in denial about another disorder. Typically people living with ADHD are desperate for help and willing to try anything their doctors suggest. ADHD is so common nowadays. Few people are ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it unlike conditions such as Bipolar, or Schizophrenia which can still carry a stigma in society. You are obviously reaching out for help for your boyfriend but bottom line it's his choice. living with adhd sucks for both those who have it and those who live with it. Getting tested is the first step to a better life. Good luck

[NFDXB in reply to peaceneeded]

Thank you for your advice and for your kind wish of good luck! Really grateful. Best regards to you.

[Jordana1995]

You sound like you are experiencing some of the feelings of frustration that my husband has had. We have been together for 10 yrs and married for 8 of those yrs. I recently came to the realization that I am ADHD & have not been officially diagnosed by I have an appt to be tested. I will say (not in defense of your boyfriend) but because I understand what it's like....Having ADHD for most of my life & never being diagnosed, I compensated for all the problems that ADHD can cause. I just thought that it was part of who I was & no one that I had in my life ever thought that there may be more to it. Even though they did not come up with the term ADHD until I was a grown adult, the only person that I new that was diagnosed with it was a child of a friend & he was very hyper along with other issues. My ex husband wasn't really insightful enough to realize anything about what was going on with me.

My current husband that experienced ADHD as a child but grew out of it, saw the signs. He had a lot of anger & frustrations throughout our relationship with things that were going on with me. It wasn't until recently at the passing of both my parents that things got worse with the symptoms which I read can happen with the person having a traumatic experience that can exacerbate the problem. My husband said he had mentioned ADHD to me before, but I do not remember. Then one day, I started doing things that were becoming security issues & making my husband feel unsafe (leaving the doors unlocked at night was the biggest problem & forgetting really important things). He decided that he had enough & threatened to leave. At the same time, I finally decided that I wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on. So I looked up ADHD & I couldn't believe that I had almost all the characteristics & reached out to my doctor to get the ball rolling on getting professional help & really finding solutions.

My point of all this is that he has to really admit that there is a problem & be serious enough to do something about it. I hope that it doesn't get to the point of you threatening to or you actually walking out the door for him to realize it & take it seriously & not just talk about it. Maybe he hasn't really admitted to himself that there is a problem. No one likes to be told that there is a mental disorder especially as an adult. Until he really admits that there is a problem then he won't seek help.

Good luck & I really hope everything works out for you two!

[NFDXB in reply to Jordana1995]

Thank you for your detailed and informative response. It is so very helpful. I am working on myself with professionals as my reactions are just ghastly, and as I previously mentioned it's/ I've made me seriously dislike myself. I am working hard on myself which is of course challenging, gruelling at times but enlightening. Of course my therapy is only focused on me, as I want it to be. So I am in the process of navigating my reactions, and my reasons and accountability for my imbalance and insecurities. I appreciate you sharing your story on how you have sought guidance and support. It's wonderful that you've done this and shows how important is it for both sides to strive to be better. I am sorry you have experienced so many challenges, but really glad to read you are navigating it so well now. Your articulation of it is brilliant. Thank you again. Best wishes to you.