Feel so lost - non-ADHD spouse support needed please

[OneDayAtATime_06]

This is my first time posting (however I have read numerous posts in this community), and I am finally reaching out as I am at a loss as to what to do and would like any advice or suggestions please (apologies for the length of this post, I'm pouring out a lot of what I've been holding in). My husband is recently (within the last couple of months) diagnosed as having ADHD. His diagnosis shed light on some of his behavioral characteristics, and I am immensely grateful his therapist recognized the symptoms and we now know it is a factor in our relationship.

As soon as he received his diagnosis, I began reading anything and everything I could do try to understand ADHD, find out how I could help, etc. I've shared some articles with him, and to my knowledge he has yet to look at any of them, telling me he "is having to process being diagnosed and is taking baby steps in the process". By reading articles, I began to gain an understanding that some of what had been building up over time for me emotionally (regular bouts of crying, sadness for no apparent reason), mentally (self esteem issues, overthinking, lack of trust) and physically (stomach issues, constant fatigue) was in direct correlation to what other spouses of ADHD individuals experience. Deep down I know he loves me, but to be bluntly honest most days I feel like a burden, an obligation, and an annoyance to him.

For context, we are both in therapy - he initially started seeing his therapist for anxiety related issues, I myself for PTSD due to both my childhood and issues stemming from a previous marriage.

We butt heads routinely - his ADHD manifests as hyperfixation, inattention, distinterest, quick to anger, saying hurtful things, emotional avoidance, etc. My perception of his behavior is exacerbated by me myself having an anxious attachment style (which is related to my past trauma, and I am working to correct), and the end result is fight after fight after fight, which usually results in him disengaging with me and "putting up walls".

After a recent partuclarly emotional argument, it was like a lightbulb went on for him and he realized the impact his actions had on me, and how they made me feel, at which time he became very reticent, I could tell he was beating himself up for his behavior, and he even said "I don't know why I am like this, I've been a complete *@#$#$%*, I know it, and I can't stop it", followed with, when I asked how I could help, he said "Just don't give up". He knows he is being an absolute *#^&@$*, but can't seem to stop it in the moment, and only fully realizes it when he sees that I'm in tears and feeling beat down again (not physcially, rather emotionally and mentally). I even asked him, during that argument, point blank, if he wanted out of our marriage, and he said no, he doesn't, but it's hard for me to reconcile his answer with behavior that sometimes indicates otherwise.

I should add that for the last few months he was being treated for low T, and while on the treatment his ADHD symptoms seemed better regulated. However, he had been off the treatment for a period of about a month prior to the most recent argument, and it seemed like the ADHD symptoms were getting worse and worse leading up to that argument. As he has recently gone back on the treatment for low T, I'm starting to see improvement, so I'm not sure if there is a correlation. My therapist has told me it can indeed exacerbate ADHD symptoms.

I love my husband, and I know that he can be a kind, loving, caring, thoughtful, affectionate man - I've seen it, experienced it, and to be brutally honest I want that person that I know is in there back. I'm trying to take steps to modify my behavior (as in not nag him about things, etc, because now I know he isn't intentionally forgetting things, and I'm trying not to take it personally when he loses his temper because I know how easily he can feel overwhelmed with things, etc), but some days I just don't have the strength in me. It affects my mental and emotional health, and some days even my productivity at work.

We are going to be starting marriage counseling sessions very soon (we both see the same therapist, so he will be taking us on as a couple in the very near future) and I'm hoping having a third party (who he himself has ADHD as well as PTSD so he has an understanding of each of our persepctives) will help us find a middle ground to move forward with our marriage.

In the meantime, I welcome any advice, suggestions, thoughts, ideas, tips etc on how I can be a better partner, not take things so personally (which I will fully admit I continue to struggle with) and any other support anyone is willing to offer. Even just having been reading that I am not alone in this has helped me, but I know I have a long way to go. Thank you.

[CreationInProgress]

I'm not married so I don't know if I can fully help... but some things you wrote reminded me of my parents.I think that there're two different journeys. Your husband that has to accept a diagnosis that is difficult it's relieving in some part because you are not broken and it isn't your fault but at the same time you go back in your life and see all the things that has caused, all the people that has been hurt and all the opportunities in life that this shit took from you. You wonder how your life would have been if you were like the rest of the people. Right now your husband probably has a washing machine instead of a brain with all the thoughts spinning and you can’t stop it.

Your side isn't easy too. You love someone with a condition so you study hard to keep on track and in a week you master all the information and things from the past start making sense. So you want to help... It's very good but his "washing machine" is running and you can’t stop it to put the forgotten clothes- help inside it. He probably suffers because you are trying to understand and he sees the damage that this causes and he can feel worse because with ADHD you are the blame for everything.

I remember after getting my diagnosis my mom crying because she felt that she had done everything wrong with me and I was devastated because no matter what it only causes pain. I felt horrible because my mom felt that she wasn't good enough and inside me it's my fault because "I brought the ADHD with me and she deserved a good daughter"

It's hard for us sometimes to take help, this come with lots of learning and time. Maybe right you need to make a plan for the anger. He will learn when it's raising before letting it to explode and you should walk away and be the bigger person for some time. And simple things like positive speech, letting him know his good side and for house chores body doubling ( that is magic at my house). You can take a glass jar decorate it and fill it with lots of positive messages and memories you give it to him and as a surprise and he can read these when he wants maybe one per day, this way you can tell him all those things at his own time.

I hope it helps!

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to CreationInProgress]

Thank you so, so much for your insight! It makes so much sense to me, and the analogy of the washing machine is spot on - he is on the rapid spin cycle and every time I try to open the lid to add the clothes, it creates a mess, whereas if I just let the washer finish the cycle, then add the clothes, less mess. I love the idea of the jar with little notes for him - I can give it to him to put on his desk so when he's feeling stressed or having a tougher time than normal on any given day with work, he can take out a slip of paper and read it. I feel for you as to your own feelings, and it makes me sad to think of those with ADHD feeling that way about themselves. Thank you, more than you know, for your thoughts and suggestions.

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to CreationInProgress]

Hi - I wanted to post an update. I took your suggestion about the jar to heart and created a jar for him. I wrote down some of the things I love about him - some serious, some silly - folded up all of the strips of paper, put them in the jar, and gave it to him with a card telling him I know there are good days and bad days and at the heart of it all, there are still things I love about him, and that the slips of paper are for him to read whenever he wants to. He wasn't sure what to think - seemed surprised and unsure of it - but he did read a few and it made him smile and laugh. He's had a very rough week at work, so I thought it would help. Now, a few days later, and he's in a foul mood from stress and nothing I do or say is "right", so I just hope he remembers it's there, recognizes that I did it to help and try to make his days brighter, and I hope it does help him to find his way again out of the stress-induced funk he is in.

[Pennysmom]

Honestly,there is no part of your life that isn’t affected by ADHD but sharing here and having a community can help a lot. If you are on FB,there are groups for the non adhd spouse which can offer understanding and compassion. ❤️

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to Pennysmom]

Thank you for the suggestion! It's amazing, looking back now, how many things are explained by ADHD that when we did not know, caused so many issues and problems. I don't really do social media (honestly, to me social media has too much drama, anger, etc), but I may look into options for a support system, maybe even a group that meets locally where I live. I just recently found this online community, and already within the short period of time I have been in this community, I'm feeling more settled and not nearly as alone as I had been feeling for a long time, and I am so grateful to everyone that has shared their stories, offered suggestions,a dn the support I see here is amazing!

[Prussic]

Welcome OneDayAtAt Time_06! I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling in your marriage. It takes a lot of courage to be transparent and vulnerable. Good on you!

I’m not a doc or therapist. I work the bluest of blue collar trades. I’ll share a little of my story and hope it helps.

I’m 47. I was diagnosed with bi-polar 1, SAD, situational anxiety disorder, clinical depression and opioid dependence. That was all two years ago. Last year I was diagnosed as ADHD. You can imagine life with me pre-med. Inconsistent follow through, forgetting, RSD, inattentive, manic, depressed, anger, etc. I lost jobs after a year. The only job I kept for longer than that was a church janitor. I also struggled with porn and the attending lying, hiding, and shame.

For 23 years of our marriage I was unmedicated. The last two have been rocky. My wife has told me to my face that if she knew I had a mental illness she never would have married me. She says I ruined her life, stole her future, and ruined my daughter’s lives. Because of my job history and manic episodes I’ve put us in debt so she has to work. I’m working but our lives are not what her friends have or what she dreamed of. She said the only reason she stays with me is because it’s a mother’s job to suffer for her children.

I have owned my shit and am working on repairing relationships. My 20 yo and I share some of the same struggles and we are getting to a better point in our relationship. It took time but with both of us on meds we’ve been able to hear and say hard things and begin to heal. My 14 yo girl and I are very close. She’s NT and very very smart. She has observed and commented on my behavior and helped me see new things and does a good job of telling me when I’ve done well and when I’ve screwed the pooch.

My wife had a counselor who was not educated about mental illness or bi-polar and who told her that all my problems were character issues. For two years my wife yelled at me, hung up on me, told me she hates my mental illness, and is now just cold. We are in counseling but she doesn’t take notes or do the homework.

It sounds like you are trying to do the hard work of living with someone whose brain is wired differently. I know how hard and disorienting that can be. It’s great you are both seeing the same therapist and will start sessions together. Be courageous and say what you need to and trust the therapist to help your husband hear YOU and not an internal narrative. If I may, I’d gently suggest you also be open to hearing what your husband says and not an internal narrative.

From my view, being a man with mental health issues and ADHD, I know exactly and in detail how much I’ve screwed up, how I’ve failed, and how I fall short, how I’m weird, etc. I don’t need anyone to tell me that. I need reminders that I’m not a complete a-hole and f**ck-up.

I also need folks to be honest with me and tell when I have not done well but to remind me that not doing well is not who I am and that they are rooting for me.

I’ve had to work hard and still work hard to compensate for my brain. Journals, sticky notes, phone reminders, I need reminders to not get complacent and keep working hard to improve.

I would encourage you to be honest with your husband and to tell him you are on his side. Maybe tell him you’d like him to be on your side as well and learn to hear you.

All the best to you!

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to Prussic]

I'm at a loss for words - you have no idea how much I appreciate your openess, honesty, and transparency. And my heart hurts for you as to what you have gone through over the course of your life, both within yourself and with your wife. It takes great strength to admit things about ourselvs that we don't like, or are causing issues, and to face them head on, and you should be very proud of yourself for doing so!

Thank you for reminding me to quiet the voice in my head (which often stems from my own PTSD - emotionally and mentally abusive previous marriage for over a decade) that beats me down, and rather take things at face value through the lens of what is really being said, not what my brain hears.

Thank you also for sharing that he likely knows when he hurts me, falls short, fails, etc - and sometimes I do see the remorse and self-deprication show from him, but for so long, I have honestly thought he just did not care about me. At all. That I didn't mean enough to him for him to bother listening, making an effort, or ever caring. I've been trying to be better about compliments to him, praising him for the good things (though I hate to say "praising" - he is not a puppy), and gently reminding him when he forgets something, and also telling him I'm trying to support him the best way I can. Being there for him and me developing the thick skin needed.

I've asked, begged, pleaded and cried for him to just "see me" and to "hear me" - sometimes he does, often times he doesn't. Though it will take some time to learn to not feel hurt by that, I now know it is not by choice, that his brain is just not wired the same way mine is. And you are right - having a third party will help - I'm hoping we can get going on the joint sessions sooner rather than later.

Thnak you again for your honesty, perspective and for being so open. You've given me quite a bit to think about, and I wish you nothing but peace as you continue on your path.

[Prussic in reply to OneDayAtATime_06]

Sure! I’m glad to offer any help I can, STEM_Dad made an excellent point in that caring for yourself is important. It’s not lazy or selfish. Remember that. You can’t be the only one encouraging your husband. At times he’ll need to be able to encourage himself and self-soothe (healthily) because you are human and as great as I’m sure you are, will have an off day. It happens. Dude, I’m still learning how to not take my wife’s off days personally. It’s most difficult.

I like your point about him not being a puppy. Maybe encouraging or noticing are better verbs. If at all possible try to notice when he does something well or consistently changes and just mention it.

I don’t want to blow smoke at you. The process is hard and grueling. It CAN get better but it’s not guaranteed. The more I work on myself the more I’m able to focus on my wife. I’ll never be able to do so like a NT man, which is what she wants, but I can do better than I did yesterday. And the yesterday’s before that.

One thing I’ve found helpful is to have a 1% better daily mindset. I think the concept is Japanese; it’s not original with me. I strive for 1% daily improvement in ONE area. That I, not my wife, chooses. That growth mindset helps to keep me from the frozen hell of self hatred.

Do something soulishly nourishing today!

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to Prussic]

You are absolutely right - he needs to believe in himself as much as I do. And I fully admit that I have days when I am irritable, tired, annoying, etc and it isn't always about him and how he is acting. I'm a middle-aged woman with a demanding full time job - menopause and work stress aren't pleasant. I just have to, like I need to learn for myself with him, get him to understand that if I am having a bad/stressful day, giving me attitude with "So what did I do this time?" in a snarky tone is not going to help matters.

That's a good suggestion as to making a point to not just notice when he makes those changes or consistently improves with something, but to verbalize that, even something so simple as "hey, thanks for *insert whatever here*" - acknowledgement without making him feel like I'm patting him on the head like a child.

Hard and grueling doesn't scare me. At this point in my life, I'm a survivor. I grew up in a very cold home, no emotion, then ended up in an abusive marriage, and while in said marriage fought cancer, and finally got out of that situation a few years ago. Most days, I'm pretty strong and resilient, but some days, I just hit my wall of how much I can take.

You mention the focus on her that your wife wants - I can relate. I will tell you, at least for me, even the smallest thing that makes me know he thought of me, even for a minute, can make the biggest difference in my day. For instance, if he goes to the grocery store and sees a food or something he knows I like and brings it home for me, of his own volition, that means more to me than if he came home with a pair of diamond earrings. Because he remembered I like that food, and he thought of me.

I like the 1%, one day, one thing approach - makes things not as overhwleming, and is still a step forward.

I can't begin to thank you enough for you sharing so much with me - even though I've read so many articles, medical studies, watched so many videos, etc that my eyes have blurred, none of that comes close to real world, real life support and information from those that live with it every single day. Know that I appreciate your kindness, honesty, and willingness to help!

[Prussic in reply to OneDayAtATime_06]

I hear you! I’ll try to remember your suggestion of little things matter. I may, ADHD, hyper focusing on the big changes she wants and forgetting the little things that mean alot. Thank you!

No criticism meant in the above post. My point was you need as much grace from him as he needs from you. I have to remind myself constantly that if my wife is X negative emotion I may, in fact, not be the root cause. I can quickly make myself the cause.

Sorry to hear about your early pain, abuse and trauma. I’m glad you are pulling through.

I’m not good socially and rarely know what is appropriate but if I can say this without offense it sounds like your husband needs the survivor/fighter that you are and he’s blessed to have you in his life.

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to Prussic]

I 100% can assure you the little things matter, no matter how small. For me, it's moreso the fact that I was thought of at all that is more important than some "thing" being handed to me. The gift of having real estate somewhere in the chaos of his mind is most valuable to me.

True, you're right, I do, and sadly rarely see it. So many times I say something "in a tone" and it's just because I am tired, stressed, working out a work issue in my mind, mentally going through my to do list, etc, and he immdiately goes on the defensive, pulls away, and gives me attitude, assuming my demeanor has something to do with him.

Thank you, that is so very kind of you to say as to my husband needing me and being blessed to have me. That made me smile, and I haven't done much of that lately.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the community @OneDayAtATime_06 !

I appreciate that you are here as a spouse of someone with ADHD!

The host of the "How To ADHD" YouTube channel, Jessica McCabe, refers to people with ADHD as "Brains", and people who care about people who have ADHD as "Hearts". So, welcome to you as a Heart!

I think it's wonderful that you are doing so much to learn about ADHD and to try to make adjustments to accommodate your husband's ADHD. I hope that he is also making similar efforts.

Keep in mind that change is hard. It will take time, effort, commitment, and a lot of patience on both your parts.

The things that you've shared make it sound like you are very strained by the struggles you and your husband are experiencing. Keep in mind that you have to take care of your own needs, too, and not just accommodate his. So, make sure that you are getting time for yourself, support, and even professional mental health care if you need it.

• Do not sacrifice your own well-being (physical, emotional, mental, etc). You need to be the best you that you can be.

• Do continue to seek to understand and have acceptance of your husband for the person that he is, including his ADHD. Just with all other facets of life, there will be more changes (including some new challenges) over time. ~ Particular accomodations and strategies for ADHD tend to work for a while, then might not work very well, then

Any couple can benefit from relationship counseling, but if you are going to do couple's counseling, try to find a counselor who is adequately familiar with ADHD. There are some ADHD relationship books that I've heard good things about.

• {Note: sometimes marriage counselors are just so used to couples coming to them to help navigate ending the relationship that they are too quick to steer a couple towards divorce. That was my one experience with a marriage therapist when I was trying to help keep my marriage together...the marriage therapist instead tried to browbeat me into just being first to file for divorce. I learned too late this advice: request a free interview so that you can find out the therapist's views on marriage and the ask about the sorts of therapy they provide. If it doesn't seem like a good fit for you, then don't hire them. --- A marriage coach whose podcast I have listened to a lot says to "ask the marriage counselor who they consider the client to be: you, your spouse, or the marriage...if they don't answer 'the marriage', then don't consider hiring them."}

~~~~~

Keep in mind that your husband's ADHD can be treated, accomodations can be made, strategies can be implemented to help his ADHD...but there is no way to cure ADHD. It is a neurodevelopmental condition, so it is a permanent part of his brain.

That doesn't mean things can't get better for you both. Things can always get better, as long as neither partner acts harmfully. Misunderstandings can be corrected. (However, mistreatment is never okay.)

It will require a lot of patience and a lot of grace. Be prepared for it to take time.

In my profile, I list some other groups I've been a part of, and I think I list some podcasts and other resources that I've found to be informative.

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you for the welcome, and also for the wonderful information you've provided. I am all in on trying to learn as much as I can, to do what needs to be done on my end, and work for a happy life for us both. My husband is showing some effort, and maybe more than I see, but it would be nice to see more, honestly. I'm trying to give grace and have patience.

I've always been one to put myself last behind everyone else's needs, and I push myself to the point of exhaustion and burnout (relationships, job, etc) on a regular basis trying to take care of everything and everyone. I always feel guilty for taking time for myself. You are right, I need to work on not feeling that guilt and taking care of myself also. I also (from the time I was a child) have gone through life trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, not be a burden, not be an annoyance - I've basically been a doormat - and I will fully admit I have a hard time standing up for myself or speaking up. When I do find the strength to do it, it is usually met with anger from him (even when my upset or concerns are justified), so I tend to shut down and hold all of my feelings in, which results in the inevitable higher emotional state when I can't hold it in any longer and I do finally say something. I really need to be better about that.

We are both seeing the same therapist, individually, and he will be our couples therapist as well. Our therapist himself has ADHD, as well as PTSD, so he sees both sides of our situation. During my last session, the therapist and I were discussing starting the couples therapy in the very near future, and he said that he will continue to treat each of us individually, but when we do the couples sessions, those are for him and us to focus on our marriage itself.

Coming to terms with the fact that ADHD can't be "cured" has been tough for me, with medical advances being what they are, but then I remember I myself have an autoimmune disease that can't be cured, it can only be managed, and it helped me to look at my experience with my disease, how I've had to just "learn to live with it", make accommodations and changes to my life, and correlate that to what my husband is trying to do.

I will indeed take a look at your profile and check out some of the information sources you have listed there - thank you for the offer!

I appreciate you helping me and giving me some tips as to resources - I appreciate it more than you know!

[STEM_Dad in reply to OneDayAtATime_06]

It sounds like you and I have a lot of similarities.

I also tend to put others first and myself last. I was married for 20 years, and during that time I would always put my wife's wants and needs first. (Then my kids, then my work, then other family a friends and others, and myself dead last.)

It's draining. My pattern has always been to try to take up as little room as possible, and be a people-pleaser.

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Yes, we are indeed a lot alike - your comments as to "try to take up as little room as possible" and "people pleaser" are dead on to describe me as well. Which is part of what makes it so difficult for me that when I do actually say to my husband "this is something I need from you" and then he either completely forgets, ignores it, or makes it seem like I am asking for too much, I feel defeated. Defeated that the one person I should be able to be honest and open with about my needs (better communication, interest, empathy at times, etc) either doesn't hear me or doesn't care (or, as I now know, just isn't prcoessing what I'm saying).

[STEM_Dad in reply to OneDayAtATime_06]

Be persistent. Say what you need in different ways. Try saying it in writing.

I'm divorced now, but I was married for 20 years. I don't regret everything that I did to try to keep the marriage together all that time. What I do regret is not speaking up about what my needs were.

Your husband might not always be in a receptive mood, but there has got to be some time that he is.

Make sure that he knows you're not criticizing anything about him, but rather just expressing what your needs, wants and desires are.

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to STEM_Dad]

All very good points - thank you! I think the saying "repetition is key" is fitting, and I also need to be more cognizant of his mood and how he is feeling when I initiate those conversations. There are some things I've told him over and over and over, and it's either not sticking, he doesn't hear me, or doesn't care - often I'm not sure which - and what you said about me not criticizing him, that is indeed something that happens, he takes it as me criticizing him, so I need to be more careful with my wording. When I tell him there are certain things I need from him to feel valued, loved, seen, etc, he immediately goes on the defensive, taking it as me saying he's a bad person or a failure becuase he is either not doing them, or does them briefly after I bring it up then stops doing it, etc. He has also told me when he feels like someone puts "expectations" on him (like something as simple as - and I've told him this multple times - it would be nice to hear from him once in a while during the day while I'm at work with him just saying hi via text or he hopes my day is going well, him telling me he loves me or something similar), he doesn't want to do it because he feels I "expect" it. I can't seem to get him to understand that what hurts is that he should, on his own, want to do that and do it without prompting from me. As every time I bring it up it generally causes a fight, I've stopped bringing it up. He has said that during the day he is focused on work, and now I know that his brain focuses in a different way than mine, but it still hurts.

[STEM_Dad in reply to OneDayAtATime_06]

I get where he's coming from.

With the limits to attention, working memory, and other executive functioning capabilities, it can be very hard to do certain things.

For men in general (and not just men with ADHD), we have a tendency to be very mission-focused. This is also described as "compartmentalized thinking". We might have passing thoughts of our partner or family while we are working, but are so much in "work mode" that the thoughts fade into to the back of our brains again.

• With poor regulatory control that comes with ADHD, it can be very necessary (especially in certain types of work) for us to train ourselves NOT to dwell on thoughts other than work. That's because when we ADHDers get interrupted in the middle of a task, it can take ten times longer to get back on track than how long the interruption lasted.

For him to think to reach out and send you a special message in the middle of the work day, he might be concerned that it would affect his work performance too much.

But for the attention-limited male, I can say for sure that when we are dwelling on thoughts of our loved ones, it's very hard to do anything else very well. It's a sad fact.

(For me, personally, the most enjoyable thoughts that I can have in my head are thoughts of my loved ones...but when I'm thinking of them, I can't spare any amount of focus to the outside world around me. I love the feeling of being in love, but I'm useless for anything else when I'm in that state.)

~~~

I know that some couples will make a game out of exchanging emojis, gifs or memes.

At one point (when I was still married), I would do that with my wife (and our then preschool aged kids). But at the time, I was in a low-stress job with a manager who was very family-oriented, and there were only occasional times that I had to limit the "game" to break times.

Since then, I've had more stressful jobs and some managers who draw a hard line that break times are the only appropriate times for exchanging personal messages (other than family emergencies).

...

If you two can figure out your own special communication routine like that, then he would probably do so more frequently.

However, if he's already struggling with any feeling of negativity, especially if directed towards himself, then his worries will nip at his mind from all sides. This is why treating mental health issues is so crucial for people with ADHD.

~~~~~

"I could live for two months on a good compliment." ~Mark Twain

Men need validation, just as women do. However, we respond to different things. Love...we all need it, but a man's heart spells LOVE with the letters R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

• I recommend the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. It can explain this concept way better than I can.

• Another book that I recommend is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It explains how individuals have their own "language" by which they most readily give and receive demonstrations of love.

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to STEM_Dad]

That makes a lot of sense, and thank you for helping me to see things from another (his) perspective. He is indeed in a high stress job (moreso lately with more demands and "being pulled in all directions" with various projects) that can require a lot of focus. I am as well, but to your point men and women think differently in general. Maybe a way for me to engage him during the day is to do like you said, send an emoji or something, just something to make him smile, but before I start doing that, I let him know that it's not with an expectation of a reply necessarily, just something quick and simple to let him know I am thinking of him (like a smiley face) and that he has my support. His boss and company are very family-oriented, but I know he puts a ton of pressure on himself as to his job performance. He told me today that he is feeling overwhelmed at work (which for him translates to a feeling of failure), so I didn't offer suggestions or try offer thoughts on ways to to fix it, I just let him vent while providing support and encouragement. I then thanked him for talking to me about it, because it helped me understand the distracted, quiet, and kind of sullen mood he is in has nothing to do with me.

I am absolutely going to check out the two books you recommended - thank you! I'm an avid reader, and have looked into many books on the topic of ADHD, but I much prefer to read books that are recommended to me by peope who have read them and have a personal connection to the content.

[STEM_Dad in reply to OneDayAtATime_06]

Both of those books that I recommended are general Relationship books. I don't recall either making mention of ADHD. (Both were written years before the COVID pandemic, which is when there was a surge on adult ADHD diagnoses.)

I would encourage you to read books on ADHD in marriage/relationships, but I haven't read any of them. I know that the effects of ADHD in relationships and families has been mentioned in books like "Driven to Distraction" by Drs. Hallowell and Ratey, and "Taking Charge of Adult ADHD" by Dr. Russell Barkley...and I've read those. (Well... actually, I listened to the audiobook of the former and I left of in the middle of the latter. 😅)

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Those are indeed a couple of titles I've been seeing a lot in my research, so I figure I'll download them and get to reading. Thank you!

I give you credit for listening to the audiobook and at least trying to read the other book. From my side of things, sometimes the effort shown means more than the outcome.

[breyerrose]

I am the ADHD one in our relationship, and medication is important. I am a different person when my medication (Ritalin) is working than when it hasn't yet kicked in (first hour of my day) or when it has worn off (last hour of my day, or if I forget to take it on time during the day). He can say, "Is it time for your pill?" and that doesn't annoy me. He's usually right. If your husband is newly diagnosed, he may not have found the right medication yet. It usually takes trial and error at the beginning, with help from the doctor, but once you get it right, things get better. I suggest you check out ADDitudemag.com for lots and lots of wonderful articles about marriage and ADHD that would help both of you.

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to breyerrose]

Thank you for your insight! He's not yet been prescribed any ADHD medication, as he was just diagnosed about a month or so ago, but I'm thinking he will be at some point. I completely understand the effect medications can have - at the same time he was diagnosed with ADHD, he was also dealing with low T, and the combination is brutal. He started the TRT again last week, and I'm already seeing some improvement in his mood, so hoping that helps to abate some of the symptoms of ADHD as well (I've read in a lot of articles that there is a correlation).

I have also been reading a ton on ADDitudemag.com - I have learned so much!

Thank you for your kindness in replying - just within the short amount of time of being in this community, I for the first time in a long time, have hope that he and I can learn to manage this together.

[ScatteredOverwhelmed]

I see two big wins in your situation: his reticence, and the decision to go in to counseling as a couple. Please hang in there, it will be worth the work!

[OneDayAtATime_06 in reply to ScatteredOverwhelmed]

Thank you - I try to focus on the good days, the positive things I am seeing, but some days I just struggle to see the good. Thank you for the reminder that, in his own way, he is trying. I think the biggest thing for me is for the actions to match the words - when we have our first session together, that will help immensely with my believing him when he says he wants to fix things.