ADHD and marriage

[Ariesonfire]

I'm having a very difficult time communicating with my husband. We are both hypersensitive people. He is always feeling like the victim and his way of dealing with negative emotions is by withdrawing in silence. I am hypersensitive to his energy, and it feels like a sky full of dark clouds when he gets this way. I find that I'm always feeling guilty, searching for something I could have said, done, not done, but can't ever see through the dense fog clearly enough to understand if it's me or him. When I approach him to clear the air, he often makes me feel like it's all in my head, or take something I said and twist it into something that I did to purposely hurt him. There is no convincing him otherwise. Please help!

[BlessedLady]

You both need to see a marriage counselor.

[STEM_Dad in reply to BlessedLady]

Not just any marriage counselor. Interview them, to make sure that you have a good connection, and that their views of marriage are similar to your own.

(Sadly, many marriage counselors are so used to dealing with failing marriages that are headed for divorce, that they might end up promoting divorce as the solution to a couple's relationship issues. - It happened to me.)

I've heard that combining individual counseling with marriage counseling has better results.

[BlessedLady in reply to STEM_Dad]

All counselors are not alike. I agree it is important to know what a counselors philosophy is. It can take a while to find one that is the right fit for both people.

[Knitting20projects]

Does he have any diagnoses? I don’t mean to pathologize him. I knew zero about the extra sensitivity to criticism etc of ADHD before getting diagnosed and wondering if he could have something that causes similar emotional reactions. Or depression (cognitive distortions), etc. I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sounds really stressful.

[Ariesonfire in reply to Knitting20projects]

He is not diagnosed with anything. I would love it if he was more open to seeing someone but he doesn't think there's anything wrong.

[StanleyThyroid in reply to Ariesonfire]

I would tend to agree that its something more depression orientated. Such episodes can be quite paralysing (leading to silence) and the thoughts that may be entertained will feel quite ridiculous once it has passed. The last thing a man will naturally do is share those with you. In any event if he wont engage and accept there is a problem it wont be resolved. You may need to force the issue.

[Knitting20projects]

Maybe the LEAP method would work with him? It's a way to encourage people who feel they don't have anything wrong, to seek treatment. You can google it. I think there's a book about it, too. The other option is to say that his refusal to see anything wrong will risk your relationship. I realize that may not work.

[Mamamichl]

it’s hard, but important to know that you are both doing things in love and trying your best. People we love come from a place of compassion not hate, and knowing this is something to keep in mind. If you take something the wrong way,it’s best to clarify “did you mean to… because it came out that way… what did you mean to do?”my partner and I had to work on this and it took years to stop taking each other the wrong way. Your empathy is amazing. If you are having a disagreement, it may help to text each other rather than talk. It helps to not say the wrong thing but to also not interrupt.

[OldIndigoBlue]

You say your husband won't do couples therapy, but I have found that it helps to do individual therapy to clarify our own issues and find some encouragement and some tools to deal with a difficult situation/partner. Sometimes when one person does therapy, the other miraculously makes changes as well.... wishing you the best. It is exhausting to walk on eggshells...

[STEM_Dad]

I hope that I can provide some helpful information from a male perspective.

Many men don't like talking about problems and feelings. We definitely have a wide spectrum of feelings, but for various reasons might not want to talk about them.

First of all, with some exceptions to the contrary, men tend to be a lot less verbal than women.

Secondly, instead of talking about problems, we would rather just solve the problems.

When we are unable to solve a problem that we feel like we should be able to solve on our own, we can feel anxious, avoidant or even ashamed. We can feel like we are being silently judged by the world, and found wanting.

Men are much less likely to go to counseling or therapy than women (even if we feel like we would benefit from it), often because of feeling ashamed. This is likely due to "imposter syndrome" (or worries that it will cost to much, or not be the right thing to help, or feeling that we would be mocked if anyone found out about our problems).

~~~~~

I was that husband who suggested marriage counseling multiple times during the 20 years that I was married to my wife. The only counseling that she agreed to was with our pastor, but while he provided good spiritual guidance, she and I each had issues that would have been better served by mental health professionals.

.....

(She never got therapy to deal with issues from her childhood, which caused her to have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and self-esteem issues. She's tried a number of medications, but won't even consider counseling if her doctor brings it up.)

I finally did go to counseling, when I had anxiety that got so bad that it stayed with be even when I finally left the work situation that created it. Since I was getting counseling for anxiety, and I had suspected for years that I had ADHD, I asked my counselor to evaluate me for ADHD...sure enough, I've got Inattentive ADHD.

It was too late to save the marriage, though. (My anxiety had caused me to withdraw. But my wife had other untreated issues of her own. Long story short, we're no longer married. I wanted it to work out...she didn't.)

What I can tell you is all that I learned along the way, as I tried to save our marriage in the 11th hour...

(To be continued)

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

First of all, I'll list the sources of the best relationship information that I could find. If I had found this research years ago, my marriage would probably still be intact:

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, and the Gottman Institute. John is a well known author and is recognized as one of the foremost experts on relationships.

Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Beam-Holmes (respectively the founder and the CEO of Marriage Helper, International; they are father and daughter). They each also host podcasts: "Relationship Radio", and "It Starts With Attraction".

* I highly recommend the info they teach. They have their own experience to point to, but they also cite research by the Gottman Institute and others.

I've also read a lot of relationship books (or listened to the audiobook versions). I'll have to give some thought about what to list.

[STEM_Dad]

I've learned a lot over the years about relationships, from various sources. Some have been helpful, or at least informative (while others have been distracting, or even pushing an agenda rather than attempting to actually be helpful).

{Public service message: A very important note before anything else is that abuse is never, ever okay. Sometimes people in abuse relationships think that fixing the relationship will end the abuse, but far too often the abuser will continue our return to committing abusive acts. If anyone is experiencing abuse, it's important to get to safety first. Your personal safety is of the utmost importance!}

(Back to my regular post)

The gist of all I've learned can be simplified to this: there are intent differences between men and women; there are also inherent differences between any two people.

Before I get into much, I do want to make a couple of points. First, I want to affirm for you that feelings are very important...they are an indicator of your internal state at any given moment. So, your feelings are true and valid, but so are you husband's feelings. Depending on the situation, your feelings and his may be complementary of each other's, affirming and validating...or they might be conflicting. But to oversimplify this: your feelings are not wrong, but neither are his. Yours are true for your state, and his are true for his state.

Another important point is that BOUNDARIES are important to healthy people and healthy relationships. (I learned this too late in my marriage. I always tried to respect my wife's boundaries , but she felt like she had a right to dismiss mine at any time she wished. Ours was a very one-sided relationship.) Manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse are never okay. (Note: my wife had experienced all three in her youth, and thankfully broke the chain of abuse, but could be masterfully manipulative when it suited her, but rarely used gaslighting.)

Anyhow, there is much better information available about BOUNDARIES than I can relate, so I suggest that you look into it. (There is a good book series by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.)

-----

Now, onto the most helpful points I can make, from Dr. John Gottman, I've learned the following:

1) The one bit of advice that he would give to and couple is this: "stay curious about each other." Genuine interest, continuously practiced, should act in the long run to draw a couple closer, instead of apart.

2) Partners in a relationship can Turn Towards, Turn Away, or Turn Against each other. (These are respectively positive, negative, and damaging to a relationship.)

3) Couples who speak much more positive statements than negative statements to each other (by a ratio of at least 5-to-1), are much, much more likely to remain married. This is important to note, because it is actionable.

4) The four most negative behaviors in a relationship are what Dr. Gottman refers to as "the Four Horsemen". These are: Criticizing, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. He also says that the worst of them is Contempt, which he refers to as a "relationship killer". Note that it is possible for a relationship to recover from these.

(There are marriage and relationships counselors who are trained in the "Gottman Method". This method has a good reputation for helping to restore marriages.)

-----

I previously also mentioned Marriage Helper* founder Dr. Joe Beam and CEO Kimberly Beam-Holmes. They teach the concept of becoming your best self (for your sake), and how doing so makes you become more attractive "Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally and Spiritually". (The acronym they use for that is PIES.) I've learned a lot from their podcasts and videos, and feel I've grown into a better, stronger person (even though my marriage didn't last).

*[Marriage Helper is a non-profit relationship coaching organization, dedicated to "saving, supporting, and surviving marriages". Though not for profit, they do have to charge for their services, to pay their staff and business expenses.]

...

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

Other resources I've found to be helpful and informative:

"Love and Respect", by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (based on a concept from a teaching in the New Testament in the Bible: "Husbands, love your wives... Wives, respect your husbands".) The premise is that while women have a need and desire to be loved, men have a need and desire for respect.

• Psychology points out that all people have needs for both love and respect.

• But as a man who had talked with and observed other men about your, I can say for certain that most men do feel loved when they feel that they are respected. And I'm sure that we have all known or heard of men who did some astounding or shocking things, just to be respected.

• My understanding is that most women need to feel that they are loved, more than they need to feel respected...but as I am not a woman, I cannot fully understand this from a woman's perspective. To the women reading this, I ask you, does it make sense to say that "it is more important to women to feel loved than to feel respected"? There certainly seems to be a whole industry built up around the idea that women desire love.

-----

"The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman (based on the author's observations as a relationship and marriage counselor, I think). The idea is that there are several different ways that people can give and receive love. The book categorizes these as the following:

• Words of Affirmation

• Giving Gifts (& receiving gifts)

• Acts of Service

• Quality Time

• Physical Touch

The premise is that each person has one or two ways that they most easily recognize expressions of love, and when couples learn to "speak each other's language", they will better meet one another's needs to feel loved.

{My personal belief is that all people can give and receive love in many different ways, like each "love language" having many "dialects". But I agree with the author that each person is particular in what ways they best recognize and receive love.}

-----

An interesting example of Love Languages, from when my parents and I first learned about this concept:

My dad identifies his primary love language as "Words of Affirmation", and my mom her primary as "Acts of Service". (Mine is "Quality Time", followed closely by "Physical Touch".)

One year when I was a college student, I didn't have any money for a Mother's Day gift (or even a card), so I asked my dad for suggestions. He said I could DO something for my mom, and that she would like that better than a gift anyway. So, since my mom was working late evenings as a waitress at the time and didn't always have time to do the dishes, my Mother's Day gift to her was to do the dishes, not just one day, but ongoing for a while (I can't remember how long it was for, perhaps a month).

My mom (who normally didn't mind doing the dishes) was gushing with her appreciation. (And my dad was soaking up her praise vicariously, because after all, it was his idea. He was my coach, who told me the winning play.)

And what did I get out of it that filled up my "love tank"? Well, to start with, I got a nice hug from my mom! (She's hypersensitive to being touched, so she usually has to be the one to offer the hug...or else she tends to shrink back awkwardly.) And while I was washing dishes, if she had time, my mom would hang out in the kitchen and we would talk (filling up my "Quality Time" bucket)... she would usually dry and put away the dishes as we talked (and my dad would cheerily insert himself in our conversations from the living room, because he could never get enough of positive conversation, because that helped to fill up his "Words of Affirmation" bucket, too!)

[Mamamichl in reply to STEM_Dad]

goodness, all of your replies are astounding! Thank you for sharing so much.