is it just the adhd?

[doghome]

I was here about a year ago when he was first diagnosed, and we were managing it ok. But there are struggles. Our question and biggest issue is that he really is not a partner in the marriage and we wonder is it the adhd that has stopped this or this something he just never learned ? I am primarily responsible for our lives, finances, home repairs, maintenance, dr appts he just goes along and does feel bad that he isnt more involved but he just cant grasp the concept. Is the lack of being able to be present in the relationship just from the adhd? We have been married 26 years now and looking back I think I dealt with it for so long thinking he would "grow up" and now we know the reasons, and its not any easier for me to manage, I feel selfish for wanting more and he feels bad for not being able to provide it. I admit the frustration gets to me and I dont like that part of me, so he keeps thinking I would be better off if he just leaves, but after 26 years its still hard to just let go

[BLC89]

Hello doghome,What you explain sounds very familiar and a lot like what ADHD can add, or detract, from a relationship.

Just knowing he has ADHD probably lifted the weight at first, but when things don’t change with that understanding, and you go back to same old same old, it's deflating to say the least.

Has he chosen to get support and learn new skills to help him where he has challenges? Did he choose to get on medication? Both those can shift your dynamic considerably.

Have you gotten support as the spouse? Here's my take after 30 years of marriage and me playing the "manager" role: you now know the underlying cause of some major challenges you have as a couple. What are you going to change in light of that information?

I just heard a quote that seems appropriate for this situation.

"What we are not changing we are choosing"

If the love is still there have a chat about what needs to change. Get support for that change to take place - coaching, counseling, books, support groups, etc - ans see if you can get to a more equitable balance with relationship responsibilities.

If the love is waning talk about how the major change of splitting up could be facilitated with kindness.

I'm sorry you're in a tough spot, I have been there. We had and continue to have conversations about what we need and how best to move forward. My husband has grown a lot - medication and some counseling - and I have shifted my lens and actions considerably too.

It's not easy, evaluate how you truly feel and, as best you can, move toward what is best for you.

BLC89

[STEM_Dad in reply to BLC89]

Wonderful response BLC89 !

I wish somebody had told me that when I was first diagnosed. (It might have saved my marriage...or it might not, since she was already turning away from me by that time.)

[STEM_Dad]

From reading your post, it appears that what you are talking is about relationship and about household maintenance.

I was the husband with ADHD, but not diagnosed until 19 years into our 20 year marriage.

Getting diagnosed was the "A-ha!" moment that I thought would bring about some magical change, to save a marriage that was spiraling down. (Unfortunately, she had her own issues, which her filing for divorce.)

...

Now, my ADHD is fairly well medicated.

However, it's still a struggle every month to manage my household budget and get the bills paid. It has taken me months to get my house cleaned up, so that its a better environment for my kids (that I have partial custody of). ~ I have basically been in "survival mode" for the last few years.

~~~~~

Here's the strange thing.

...Prior to our divorce, starting shortly before my ADHD diagnosis, my wife's health conditions had gotten worse. I was somehow able to take on 80% of the household responsibilities...all while I was working a 40 hour job, with a 40 minute commute each way. (She still paid the bills online, but any bills that could not be paid online became my responsibility.)

So, even though meds have made a huge difference for me, I did find that I was capable of things that I never could do before.

But that was all in the scope of Household Maintenance.

~~~~~

Relationship is a different matter.

While I struggle with managing my neural attention, I never had difficulty with giving her loving attention. (Well, except for the few times that she actually did hurt me enough to push me away.)

There were many times that she thought that I didn't care about her as much as I do. (Yes, I still do, even though she hurt me as deeply as she did.) But the real issue was that she had expectations...and either she wouldn't tell me what her expectations were, or she would tell me only once and expect me to remember that forever.

• One key difference between the two of us is that she has an apparently almost flawless auditory memory (until her health issues escalated, anyway). She could recall things that people had said, even whole conversations, even years later. --- Meanwhile, I have always had problems with both auditory processing and working memory. I would often forget what was just said, even if I was the one who said it.

• She never really understood my working memory issues (or my other ADHD issues), and just assumed that I wasn't "trying hard enough", or that I didn't care enough. --- The fact that I do care so deeply has always been a double-edged blade. It drove me to try my hardest to try to be the best husband, but made me feel immensely bad when I fell short.

~~~~~

I did try very hard to keep the marriage together. I learned so much in that last 1-1.5 years we were together. I could recommend books and podcasts that I got a lot out of...

...but when it all comes down to it, it's the two of you together who need to figure it out. You can look for all the help that's available, but you've each got to do the work in yourself and with each other.

I can tell you this, though: the vast majority of people who do get divorced end up regretting it; the ones who leave a marriage where they are loved in order to "seek [their] happiness" usually never find lasting happiness.

Psychologically, philosophically, and theologically speaking, I think it's the natural design for people to have a lifelong bond with one person... that "it is not good for [anyone] to be alone."

So, I hope the best for the two of you.

[doghome]

Thank you for the responses, and yes you both know what Im going through. He is on meds, has been since the diagnosis, I think he felt better with them in the beginning or hes just gotten used to it. Neither of us have done any counseling, he tried one but didnt feel comfortable and they didnt seem to address his adhd as much as he wanted. I just started looking for a couples counselor that works with adhd but not much luck yet. Im encouraging him to read more about adhd himself and even though we read through alot of it together back when, hes realizing alot of it didnt sink in, so its helpful to re-read it, even for me. He wants to change and I want to be able to accept more, but we have struggled so much he is at the point he wants to leave. He feels no matter what the counselors may say, this is it, this is how life will be and he wants me to be free. I tell him its up to me what I want to accept in life but he feels Im "settling". He would rather us split now and be friends than to continue and risk damaging our relationship. We dont argue like we used to, but there is some distance between us, the trust is damaged, (only due to his not holding to what he wants to do) he feels "less than" with the knowledge of adhd instead of empowered like I hoped he might. The love is still there, he just knows its not enough for what he is lacking. the not being the partner that he wants to be really gets to him, no matter what I try to say otherwise. It bothers him so much that he cant keep up with our personal things in life, like dr appts, meds to take, etc and I have to be the keeper of it. I get he doesnt want to be "mothered" and I dont, I write things on the calendar for both us I tell him, but he feels he misses more than he should

[AuDHD3245]

Let him leave. See how he gets on by himself. I was in a similar relationship with my ex. She did everything, so, really I didnt have to do anything. When she wanted me to do things, I would, but, i'd go at my own pace which was slow, and with gaps in between, they'd end up unfinished, so she did it herself in the end. It's not lazy, it's ADHD.

Finding ways of doing things together can help. The dishes for example, you wash, he dries. Make time for some reading, you read one page, him the next and alternate. Correspondence, you print the letters, he write the envelopes. Cooking, he peel the potatoes whilst you do the carrots. Cleaning, he clean the sides whilst you sweep the floor.

Sounds to me he may need some help, so working together on things instead of you doing everything, will help him become part of 'being together' again.

Good luck and all the best