How do I make our marriage work?

[Theestateagentswife]

I am married to a generally nice guy ( 34m diagnosed and medicated for the last 2 years) and I just dont know how to make our marraige work anymore. Im confused and aggitated by the symptoms his ADHD contributes to our relationship and he is annoyed that I move the goal posts in what I expect from him. Help!

As a bit of background, we have been together 16 years , have 5 children and he runs his own business. We have had issues before with him messing around with other women - even though it is only emotional it still stinks. the first 2 were people he knew or met online and was compulsivly messaging and calling. The third was a friend of his ex - who he messaged telling her how attractive he thought she was etc. All 3 were before our children were born. The third ( 2 years ago ) was the worst, after our children and around the time we married. she was a women at work that hyperfixated on and they would call , text , message , email all day every day, wheter they were at work or not . Even when we was on holiday , she would call him daily to ask what him and the children were upto and when she did something at work that she wasnt meant to , he would verbally lay into me at work and berate me for picking on her because I was jelous ' . Needless to say , his hyperfixation on people has been an issue .

Generally around family life, its all on me. Prior to starting working at the business a year ago, I was home educating our brood ( 3 of which are ND) now , I work 6 hours a day , then have to fit in everything I was doing previously around the time that I am home. This also includes the general housestuff, home ed outings, getting them to groups, cooking , cleaning, bathtime, bedtime , night feeds , early morning. Its all on me becuase his ADHD has meant that he struggles to function early in the morning and them being too noisy at night before bed aggitates him so he stays out of the way. He gets aggitated easily but not as easily as he used too ( he has got a lot better) but he will argue with me about invoices not being paid ( despite him not sending them to me) or not being able to find things in the office/house. He dosnt talk to me great at times.

Treatment wise - our lives are remarkably different. I do all the work with the kids and he seems more bachelor like. I know money is tight but he cant control his spending. If he wants to buy concert tickets he will, buy things for the house he will, go for breakfast with his friend he will. You get the drift . I cant do anything becuase he finds being at home with the kids too much so I just dont. I cant even walk the dog to breahte for a bit because those 20 minutes would be too much for him. In the morning Ill get up early with the kids but hell get to lay in bed on tictok for an hour while he eats and 'allows his body to wake up naturally'. Which can make me aggitated because I just have to crack on on my own. For instance on mothers day, I got up with the kids, he called me back upstairs at 9 to open the gifts that he had bought me from them and then I carried on sorting out the kids breakfast while he stayed in bed till nearly 11.

He says that he dosnt understand my frustration because some weeks we get along really with . Those points we have a good intimate life - but Ive expressed to him that that is a huge indicator for his mood - part of me feels like i need to continuously initiate intimacy even when I might not want too because if it stops then he wanders and hyper fixes on something/someone else. His frustration is that we can go for a couple of weeks where we are good and he dosnt get why it changes from my side. But from my side - the being left to do everything on my own - working, home ed, everything ( and trying to sit a degree currently ) and then the way he speaks to me at work etc. It all builds up and I just get to the point where I dont know why I bother with it? It sometimes feels like it would eb easier to be on my own . When I try and talk to him you can almost always guarentee that he will say its related to my period being due... He also feels like If i say that i expect him to help with the kids in the evening , then I cant move the goalposts and also expect him to be affectionate and attentive towards me. He says I need to give him instruction and prompt him because its not him doing this intentionally but do I ereally need to treat him like I have another child?

Weve been together such a long time and I couldnt imagine my life without him in it. How do I make this work? I know a lot of it is linked to his ADHD in one way or another , I just dont know how I help him to help us?

[STEM_Dad]

This sounds more like a character issue with your husband than an ADHD issue. This response will focus on his emotional cheating. (I'll try to respond to the other points in a separate response, but I'll start with what seems the most important point.)

I would characterize that his ADHD isn't the cause of his wandering heart. It might be a contributing factor, since ADHD is described (by some experts) as an interest-based disorder.

• A person will tend to keep to their values and beliefs. That doesn't mean that they won't make mistakes, but it does mean that their behaviors will tend towards being self-correcting.

While I was married, the times when I was tempted to turn my attention to other women instead of my wife, I made the conscious choice to turn away from those women and to work on my marriage.• Those were times that my wife had been ignoring my needs and had even been negative towards me (more than positive) for several months at a time.

• I would remind myself regularly that I love my wife and I made a commitment before her and God to put her first, "forsaking all others". I made a vow, and I took my vow seriously. [Long story short... she did not keep her vow, cheated on me at least twice, and she ultimately left me after 20 years of marriage for the last guy she cheated on me with.]

I wasn't a perfect husband.

• My ADHD went undiagnosed until a little over a year before we divorced. My ADHD symptoms were definitely a factor in struggles in our marriage. What I find myself at fault for was not having ADHD, but waiting until I was 45 to get diagnosed (when I started considering that I have ADHD 5 or 6 years before my diagnosis).

•I also have suffered with anxiety regularly, severe anxiety for several years, and (according to my eldest daughter) have had depression multiple times over the years (and also according to my daughter, her mom was the cause of the depression... but I'd say that my ex-wife was only a partial cause).

• I do have insecurities and some of my own character flaws (including, like very many men, being prone to feelings of lust).

~~~~~

If I were to be able to talk to your husband, here is what I would tell him:

1. He needs to stop all contact with those other women... forever. There's a book by a research psychologist that argues the reasons why better than any other source that I know of: "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, PhD.

2. He should get a mentor, a man who he respects and will listen to and who adheres to the values that your husband wants to adopt.

3. Since he has an apparent vulnerability, this points to his need for individual therapy. You probably need therapy, too. And the both of you need couples therapy (by a therapist you've pre-screened to confirm that they see the marriage as the client, not either partner as the client).

• If you can find a couples therapist who is trained in the Gottman Method, I would recommend going with them. I did my research when I was trying to save my marriage, and came to the conclusion that this was the best research-based and real-world tested couples therapy. (I found out about it too late to help my marriage, but maybe it can help yours.)

4. Out of respect for you and your marriage, and because of what seems to be a weakness for him, he should not hire any women to work for him or with him. (The only exception to that ought to be you.)

*****

If you listen to podcasts, I would highly recommend that you listen to episodes of "Relationship Radio" that feature Dr. Joe Beam, founder of the organization Marriage Helper, International.

~~~~~

I knew from age 5 that I wanted to one-day her married and have kids. I knew at 15 years old exactly who I love and wanted to get married to, and I waited for her, marrying her when we were both 26. We have 4 children (the oldest being my stepdaughter, whom I raised as my own).

For the record, I still love her. (I wouldn't be quick to remarry her, though...for what I'm sure are obvious reasons. I've forgiven her already, but we would still have some issues to work out.)

[STEM_Dad]

It sounds like you're on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Regarding "moving goal posts", is that his choice of words, your choice of words, or a phrase that you picked up on online somewhere?

• I've come to understand that term to mean "changing expectations unreasonably".

• I feel like I experienced this in my relationship a lot. I would work very hard to make improvements and to meet certain expectations, but when I did instead of being recognized for doing so, I was met with a new expectation. My best was never good enough. --- To be honest, I was criticizing myself at least 30 times as much as she would criticize me, and she did time to time acknowledge that she saw me making the effort...but she didn't seem to be understanding of how hard it was for me. --- What I desperately craved was VALIDATION from her, more than any other person on Earth.

"Goal posts", or Expectations and Boundaries?

• One of the biggest pitfalls in any relationship is unmet expectations. The most likely reason for unmet expectations is that they are unexpressed expectations. The second-most likely reason is that they are unreasonable expectations. (Literally every type of relationship has expectations going both ways, whether it's romantic partners, parent-child, teacher-student, citizen-government, neighbors, or even just fellow passengers on a bus. Marriage relationships are one of the most foundational relationships, and highly affected by expectation issues.) --- There is only one way to address expectations, and that's with communication. Sometimes a neutral, skilled third party like a counselor is needed.

• It's good to know what your boundaries are. Healthy and appropriate boundaries are necessary for individual well-being. For reference, I suggest the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

~~~~~~~~~~

Story time...

I know a couple very well who went through financial issues similar to what you and your husband are going through. The wife was trying to pay the bills and keep them afloat. The husband was prone to pursuing his interests (out of a desire to make their side business successful). They were both working full-time and had three boys who were a few years apart in age.

The husband kept overspending, unaware that some of the checks written to pay bills hadn't cleared. The wife's frustration over the money problems added to her struggles with depression.

After about a decade of this pattern, she handed him the checkbook and told him that she couldn't do it anymore, that he would have to figure out the bills.

He did. It took some time, and undoubtedly he made some mistakes, but he soon understood the frustration that he'd been causing her by his carelessness. He also turned his attentions to her needs more, to be understanding of her and her struggles with depression, not just to give her space and occasional encouragement.

... That's my parents, and I witnessed this change from my late teens though my mid-20s.

They grew closer, and after a while started acting like a young couple in love again (much to my embarrassment, sometimes 😅).

I'm proud of my mom for expressing her need and setting a much needed boundary. I'm proud of my dad for recognizing them for what they were, and not griping about my mom "moving the goal posts".

.....

For the record, I am certain that my dad has undiagnosed Combined ADHD (probably mild-to-moderate). My mom also had some Inattentive ADHD traits.

[end of Part 2...I still haven't addressed ADHD, so I'll probably post on that tonight. Unfortunately, my lunch break is over now...]

[Prussic]

Welcome! StemDad is right on with his responses. It sounds like you are going through a horrible time and are exhausted. I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

I’m rushing out the door but quickly, as a 47 yo male with severe Inattentive ADHD and bi-polar the best thing my wife did was set firm boundaries on finances, pornography, and my attitude. She was tired of all my shit and we separated for 6 months. I hated it, was angry at her, blamed her, etc. After taking my meds regularly, going to counseling and therapy, and talking to my pastor and an elder regularly I’m able to see where I’ve caused pain and to begin to repent and change.

I run my own business. Unmedicated manic episodes led to huge debt. My wife now has to work a at home job since my poor work history is biting me and I can’t find it but a second job.

It’s gut wrenching to contemplate how I treated my wife pre meds and post meds. I’m still learning and screwing up regularly but I’m slowly improving according to my 2 daughters.

Again, I’m so sorry for the pain. Boundaries In Marriage really helped me.

I hope today has some hope for you!

Prussic

[Pizza4life]

I'm a 40 yr old woman and was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated 6 months ago. I have two kids aged 2 and 8, and work a part-time job. My husband works full-time. Quite honestly, I don't have the option or the audacity to behave how your husband does. I take on the huge majority of the mental load. Around a year ago I was on the verge of a burnout-induced breakdown and I told my husband that something had to give. The imbalance of responsibility that you describe can't be solely blamed on ADHD.

I discovered a system called Fair Play on Instagram. You get a box of cards, each card is a task for running the household and parenting. For example, dishes, laundry, but also more specific like weekday or weekend meals, buying birthday gifts, kids extra curricular activities, etc. You sit down together and discuss who will do what. And you take full ownership of that task. So if you had 'kids sports', you'd make sure their full kit was clean and packed, take snacks and drinks, take them to and fro, be fully informed of team fixtures, etc. I have around 75% of the cards, but my husband is fully accountable for all his tasks. This has lessened the burden on me to pick up the pieces. By putting a stack of my cards next to his on the table, it visibly shows how much more I do compared to him, and he appreciates the invisible labour and all the plates that I'm simultaneously spinning.

If he is serious about your marriage then he needs to act like a husband, not a childish 'victim' of ADHD. Therapy is definitely a good idea but it depends on his willingness to try. Even small adjustments like visual task checklists can make a difference. There are loads online mainly aimed at kids, but I find them really helpful. Good luck x

[Mamamichl]

sounds like you need to leave him. He’s using adhd as a crutch and manipulating and abusing you mentally and emotionally.