ADHD, marriage and children

[Sushidragon17]

newly diagnosed earlier this year. It affects my work and it’s killing my home life. My partner doesn’t believe in adhd as something legitimate and tries to gaslight me. I started meds in may and it has helped a good bit. I need communication help. I don’t know how to not sound like I’m snappy or not sound like I’m arguing . I’m suspicious that my partner has it too but is in denial.

[Hidden]

Hi there, from my own personal experience it can take some time to come to terms with your diagnosis. I have used talking therapy which was really beneficial to me personally which then in turn helped with similar marital issues. I would suggest putting yourself first to better understand your issues and what are your triggers. Go easy on yourself and take care.

[Mamamichl in reply to Hidden]

This is great info! Talk therapy allowed me to vent and not hold on to my own issues as much. Helped me move towards what I do have or what would make me happy. Knowing your triggers and making a plan on what to do when triggered has been helpful.

[AuDHD3245]

I'm exactly the same as that. It's only from other people's reaction to the way I speak that I realise I have spoken with a tone. It has alienated people from my life and I have never understood until my diagnosis. We have been learning about ADHD and the effects. I met someone in one of the groups we have, and she set a whatsapp group up. We have some material we're going to be going through in the new year. It includes communication and moving on. Shall I ask her if you can join?

[Sushidragon17 in reply to AuDHD3245]

Please ask and thank you

[Goodtrouble in reply to AuDHD3245]

Hi, following this, I have the same situation, my partner believes I only sought thus diagnosis for the meds and every reaction I have is put down to effects and how bad they are for me, impossible to even mention the benefits and what it meant for me to finally have a explanation for my struggles for so many years. I would like to join a WhatsApp group if OK, too

[Mamamichl]

when my ex and I had fights, it helped to do in texting. That way we couldn’t interrupt or yell (only rule no caps). Also, if you have a moment before you say something and are escalated. Take a deep breath or three, then use I statements instead of “you” and do your best to be brain dead with your tone. Easier said than done some days.

[STEM_Dad]

It can be hard when your partner doesn't accept the diagnosis, or has their own strong opinions about ADHD.

My ex-wife wasn't a complete ADHD denier, but when she looked over my shoulder and saw that I was researching adult ADHD, she just flat-out told me that I didn't have it. She thought that she could tell who had it and who didn't, and used to be very opinionated against any parent who chose to put their kids in Ritalin.*

* (In the mid 90s through mid 2000s, she worked at a charter school. I worked there for a few years, including in the Special Education department.The students there who has a known ADHD diagnosis also had learning disabilities. So, I think that she lumped ADHD with LDs.)

I should have clarified to her that I have what used to be called ADD (Inattentiveness-only, no Hyperactivity).

I was diagnosed 19 years into our 20 year marriage, and she didn't acknowledge my diagnosis for about a year after I got it. (She didn't divorce me because of my ADHD, but because she fell in love with someone else.)

~~~~~

Now, our kids are stuck in the middle. I see ADHD traits in them as well...but she insists that none of them have ADHD. (She admits that our kids are "different", and that the boys are least are "sensitive". But she seems to think that she can deal with our kids' issues. She loves the kids and means well, but she's domineering...and the kids tell me they don't feel like they can tell their mom things that they can tell me.)

~~~~~

As for the relationship...I dove into many relationship books, podcasts, YouTube channels and websites for years. Obviously, I got myself help too late to fix my relationship...but I can recommend some resources that seemed to have good information:

• Anything by Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman Institute

• The following books: "The Five Love Languages", "Love and Respect", "Boundaries" (book and series by Cloud and Townsend)

• Podcasts and videos by Dr. Joe Beam ("Relationship Radio" and "Marriage Helper") [note- a lot of the episodes deal with infidelity, because that makes up a lot the cases that Marriage Helper, International, deals with, but even a lot of that information is focused on basics like communication and respect]

[restless_in_usa in reply to STEM_Dad]

As an aside, have you seen the statistics on infidelity and ADHD? VERY high rates...the impulsiveness perhaps? About to start divorce of my 29 year marriage (I'm self-diagnosed) good luck to all...

[STEM_Dad in reply to restless_in_usa]

I'm not surprised that infidelity rates are higher among people with ADHD, but in response to your post, I just had to look it up. Sure enough, cheating is higher among people who have ADHD, and it's attributed to impulsivity. • ADHD can contribute to statistically higher rates of infidelity, but infidelity rates among people with no mental health conditions is still over 40% for both males and females.

In my case, I've got the ADHD (predominantly Inattentive presentation), and had never cheated. My ex-wife (non-ADHD, but impulsive) cheated a couple of times during the marriage. The second time led to the end of our marriage.

• (I think it's more likely that my ex has borderline personality disorder [BPD] than ADHD...but our eldest daughter is much like her, and our daughter's doctor suggested that she might have ADHD.)

~~~~~

Here's a different infidelity statistic (not specifically about ADHD): 99% of relationships formed out of infidelity ultimately fail, about half of them within a year or two.

• My ex is still with her affair partner, but I wonder how long it will last.

~~~~~

I didn't want the divorce. (I didn't want her to cheat on me, either...but I was willing to put in the work to put the behind us, if she chose to stay married with me.)

• I had a lot of reasons to stay married to her, but the most important ones were: First, that she's the only woman that I loved and wanted to be married to. (I've found many women attractive, but only wanted to marry one...her.) Second, my faith and my upbringing instilled me with the desire to remain married "til death do us part"; I like the feelings of being in love, but I believe a deeper expression of love is commitment.

(Maybe I'm a romantic. Maybe I'm a sap. Maybe I'm just a romantic sap. But, I think that love should last. ...I still love my ex. A big part of me wants the possibility of having our marriage restored someday. A very small part of me thinks I'm better off without her. But all of me doesn't want to be hurt again.)

[Goodtrouble in reply to STEM_Dad]

Just listening to an audiobook and an expression got stuck with me " I grief, therefore I am". Nothing wrong with all of your expressed feelings, so much goes when deciding that the person is "the one" , also sharing so many years, parenting, stages of life. Also the intensity of feeling betrayed after being "cheated on" is as personal and painful as grief. I was there, luckily I did not have children at that point, I do now. I found helpful two books written by Terence Real, Fierce Intimacy and US. Take care, look after yourself , do put your children first. Also an awakening I had recently (so obvious) is that there are two views of the same story and it is interesting to find out what you made up in your mind, or what she made up in hers. You could look into this books it might help. Of course I listened to them not read them:)One interesting view that Terence puts across is that he does not ask why someone cheated as it is easy,but why someone does not cheat, what makes them stay and what makes them commit.

[STEM_Dad in reply to restless_in_usa]

Welcome to the Adult ADHD forum!

(I see from your profile that you've been in the Health Unlocked community for a while, but it looks like this is your first post on this forum. So, welcome!)

[Netjester]

Send your partner a link that shows them that ADHD is a physical disability. Your brain is actually smaller than a neurotypical brain. Because of this, your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed until around 35 and your neurotransmitters were wired differently than the neurotypical brain. Here is one of many links that you can share: cnn.com/2017/02/15/health/a...

[Hidden]

What we’re often doing in the moment of making that snappy comeback is expressing anger, frustration or fear, and that’s usually because we feel as if we aren’t being heard. Talk therapy and/or mindfulness meditation can help us understand the feelings underneath a mean remark, so that we can address them and begin to heal ourselves. If your partner is in denial about your (and his) ADHD, it wouldn’t be surprising that you’d have some feelings about that.

Be mindful of DARVO. If you’re partner is employing any of these behaviors with you, I would take a hard look at the relationship: bayareacbtcenter.com/revers...