I’m 45 and have always struggled making and keeping friends and many of the reasons why didn’t become crystal clear until I started speaking to a therapist that specializes in ADHD. I’ve always been shy and socially anxious, which I always thought was the reason why nobody ever stuck around, but now I see how much a part of it has to do with ADHD.
I have one really close friend who also has ADHD and a few others that I chat with online or text with, but that’s it. I have no idea where to go to (online or anywhere) to meet new friends.
It’s frustrating that even finding friends online is difficult. It’s the same as it was for me 40 years ago… I feel like everyone already has friends and they don’t want more and it’s hard to even start conversations with people.
I usually don’t struggle with being lonely, but I am today. Does anyone have any tips or sites they can recommend? I’m the new person, as always.
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KilgoreTrout
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Hey I know how you feel! I am really lucky in that someone at a previous job made an intentional effort to befriend me and that ended up with me having a small group of friends that I talk to pretty regularly. If it weren't for that one encounter 10+ years ago I'd have no friends now, except my wife (who I met at the same job).
But! I do I have a few suggestions, based on how that friend group works and how I've found a few other online friends in the past:
1. Try to get work that will have you encountering lots of different people that you work with regularly (not clients or customers, too awkward).
2. This might not be for everyone but if you at least don't *hate* RPG games or board games, try it, I think it will work! This has two important parts:
Part a. Join two or three online D&D or board game sites:
I know what you mean, and I also struggle with making and maintaining friends. Meeting people and socializing with strangers isn't that difficult, but actually building friendships is.
It's like I also look for people who are in the same situation as myself, because I figure that if they already have friends or a family, then they won't have the time or interest to build a meaningful friendship with me. I don't know if that's actually true, but I just notice that I close off to the person if I sense that they won't be available for a deep friendship long term.
I recently met some people through a new Church I was attending, and some cues that made my close off was if they had a significant other, if they had many friends, if they were moving to a different city within a certain amount of time, etc. And so instead of building friendships with these people which could've been a great blessing to my life now, at least all of them together, I now have 0 of them as friends, because I didn't pursue them.
I see the suggestion from Charumbe regarding RPG's, and I can see their point, but I would also caution with trying to pretend to like something to gain friends. That's not Charumbe's point at all, but I just think you should try to find friends that have interests similar to you, and especially values that are similar to yours, because that's a good recipe for sustainable relationships in my opinion.
I tried to build relationships with people who don't share my values and interests, and it's really hard, because you often find that you need to compromise on important issues, which also leads to the relationship being more draining than nourishing.
Best of luck to you, and I pray for all of us and that we'll be able to find meaningful friendships and relationships in our lives - because it's so so important!
"I close off to the person if I sense that they won't be available for a deep friendship long term." This line hit me so hard, I do this all the time.
I do have a lot of good friends who I deeply connect with but they are all in different cities and we mostly interact over text, and I miss in person social interactions. I sometimes feel like I seek too much out of life, and always on this lookout for a "deep lifelong connection". Because it did happen a few times, it makes you think it's possible but rare. I think this attitude has closed me to a lot of possibilities and I should figure out a way around it.
Wow, thank you, it's nice to see I'm not the only one; however I am sad that you struggle with this as well.
I relate to everything you've written here, except for having good distance friends. I used to have that years ago when we could spend time together gaming or something similar. Socializing just for socializing's sake feels more like a chore to me, which I guess doesn't help much in this area either.
I know what you mean with "deep lifelong connection". I have had a rare few as well. May I ask what caused those relationships to end? I wonder if those relationships are actually healthy - like, are we supposed to have a few "so deep" relationships, or are we in fact better off having more casual relationships where we're not that emotionally invested? I used to yearn so much for this, but I wonder if that desire is actually a bad character trait in myself caused by trauma / love deprivation from childhood or something like that. If that makes sense.
That does make sense. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and was largely neglected as a child. I learnt at a young age that I don't have enough people in my life who are gonna be "there for me". Especially family. Most people I know look for fun and light-hearted companionship in friendship and rely on family to help them through the "really" tough times. I kind of look for that kind of reliability in my friendships. My friends have helped me with things that you typically expect out of family. They helped me with lending me money to be able to get my masters degree, and also completely planning my wedding. I have a handful of really good ppl in my life, but it leads me to reject many others I perceive as potentially too shallow/selfish. I think I judge too soon, too harshly and this attitude is probably unhelpful. I tend to dislike new people I meet more often than I like them.
This could also be because I live in the bay area, and only meet tech crowd and everyone just talks about their new car or house, or salary hikes or their last big vacation. I probably need to branch out, but dunno how.
And a lot of times it's like what the OP says, I feel like I am encroaching into a different group.My husband on the other hand, interacts freely with ppl and says that he "just does not think so much" about it. He lives the opposite life that I do, he makes lots of friends, ppl tend to like him easily, and he absolutely does not stay in touch with anyone. They are in his life as long as they have physical presence in his life to forced circumstantial proximity. I feel like there has to be some way to combine our skills, but so far we never figured out how to achieve that.
Also, answering your question , nothing caused those relationships to end. Its still alive and well. They are all far apart and in very different time zones though. I have a lot of people to go to when I am sad or confused, but I don't have anyone to invite for a house party or have lunch with.
I wonder if some of us on this support group could find a way to connect better. I feel like we all have so much in common.
One thing that really hold me back about trying to make friends with similar interests is I have the habit of losing all interest in said interest when I get my feelings hurt when trying to make friends. Most of the time, I'd much rather just keep the hobby or interest to myself rather than risk having it spoiled.
KilgoreTrout I've always taught my kids that "the best way to make a friend is to be a friend". It seems that your work friend demonstrated that very well. I'll wager that you made friends with your wife before you got married (the most fulfilling marriages are to be friends with your spouse).
As Charumbe 's post points out, a great way to make friends of to be involved with people who you have common interests with. And as Tionbai 's reply reveals, shared values are another great way to make friends.
This morning, an email in my inbox led me to this article, which may help:
I've also found good information for introverts (I am one, too) at introvertdear.com and good info for people with ADHD at CHADD.org and at additudemag.com as well as the HowToADHD YouTube channel.
I totally agree about finding friends that enjoy the same interests. I have an awful habit of picking interests and hobbies that are either obscure and/or solitary in nature, which I've probably developed over the years as a way of protecting myself from being hurt when I lose friends that share the same interests.
Hi. Great question. I understand your situation. Most of my friends are married with kids (and some have grandkids). Most of these friends are from High School. But in a lot we've drifted apart, or the friendship wasn't working (or never really did). Some have moved out of state.I'm lucking in that I have 2 Great friends. I don't always call or go see them as often as I'd like, for fear of being a pest or needy (They're also married). Also 1 of these friends lives in Florida. But they 'Get me.' They accept who I am. When I do or say something unusual, they'll usually get (an unhurtfull) chuckle out of it. Me still seeing myself as a misfit, weird, different, or ..... not being worthy or good enough(?) to be friends with, doesn't help. Am I giving off some 'Bad Vibes?' It's possible that I MIGHT have some trust issues.
Covid and politics hasn't helped any of us.
Check out the website 'Meet Up'. There might be some group activities you might like.
I need to check out the websites that STEM_Dad mentioned.
It's been a while since I've checked to see what there was going on locally on Meetup. Not trying to immediately dismiss the idea, but straight males are not welcome at the vast majority of the groups in my area.
True. I have to read the info several times because something doesn't seem right or 'What am I missing here'? And a lot of them seem to be a much younger crowd.
Hi. Everybody is the new person when starts something new ...Don't worry about that. It takes time to build something new but it comes step by step. You have not to think about that. Just partecipate and see how it goes. But you have to do your part.
I have been struggling with this for a very long time. I have no problem talking to anyone, ok great. However, I work and stay at home most of the time. Additionally, I have not built the skills to keep and nurture friendships.
One great resource I have found is on meetup.com. You select a group that shares the same interests that you have and then meet up and share, practice or indulge in the common interest. An example is, I joined several meditation groups, but if that’s not your thing they have groups for tech, social, art, physical events, singles groups, food groups, anything you can think of. These have a builtin common interest and you may automatically be able to relate better with the members and that seems to be the foundation aspect of friendship.
In any event, know that you are a valuable person and the social anxiety you have, is shared by MOST people. Know that most people are always able to add more friends and even desire more friends, similar to social media. A big part friendship is being there for someone and allowing them to be there for you. You must find ways to have access to people and not sit at home (like I do most of the time).
As I read your post I recognized myself in your post. What is really interesting is that I work in an industry that is nothing but customer service and socializing. When it comes down to it. I haven't been able to make a deep connection with anyone to truly call them my friend. I do think its because of me having TRUST issues but also no being focused enough to value them.
I also have some relationship type issues. Be careful on the dating and meeting APPS. Meeting people in a group /support group environment has been helpful.
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