How did you accept to yourself that you’re actually diagnosed?
I just find it hard to believe, not that I’m opposed to the diagnosis. I don’t have strong feelings about it anyways, it’s a term used to describe an umbrella of symptoms. But what made you actually believe that you have ADHD? How did you get yourself to believe it? Do you have a hard time telling yourself you do have it and actually believing yourself?
My background is a few months ago I had a bad go of PTSD for a bit. Didn’t know that’s what it was but saw 3 emerg docs and 2 psychiatrists that all said that’s what it is. And of course the usual depression / anxiety dx.
Follow up from that was seeing a psychologist, a man who has ADHD himself. After I told him my mom and sister both have ADHD he kept pointing things out in our first and second conversations that said sounds like ADHD to me. I brushed it off but at our second appointment together, he suggested I see the psychiatrist for diagnosis. At the same time, maybe it was just an easy thing for him to lean into given my mom and sister both have it and he has it as well.
The psychologist guy, the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist understudy or whatever they’re called were all there for that appointment and finished off with ADHD primarily and PTSD secondary. Given I never brought it up, considered it or mentioned it and somehow we still landed on ADHD, I really shouldn’t have a hard time believing it but I do.
My mom doesn't think I have it, my spouse just says its an excuse even though I never bring it up unless deeply relevant.
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I will be brief at this moment, but I'll come back later with a longer reply.
The short of it is that I think you should accept the diagnosis that the professionals have given you, and accept that your family has their own opinions, but they are too close to you and too used to your ADHD traits to see them as anything other than just how you are.
When I got my diagnosis a few years ago, I was still married, and my wife didn't believe my diagnosis. My parents, on the other hand, let me explain about the different presentations of ADHD, and they could then see how I can have ADHD without having hyperactivity.
(I have the Predominantly Inattentive presentation of ADHD.)
Thank you, great to be here. Appreciate any input you're willing to entertain! Happy your parents were open to hearing you out on the matter, for many it's so internal in many aspects that it can be hard to see. I guess I wonder where to draw the line between 'is it affecting my daily life and is that ADHD' or is it not.
Side note, I love the STEM field. Physics and chemistry in particular.
In school, Math and Physics were a couple of my favorite subjects. I studied engineering in college (didn't graduate... undiagnosed ADHD made it difficult). And now I work in Information Technology.
...
Fun fact about my username:
I also like art and music (as do my kids), so my original username was "STEAM_Dad", but then I thought it sounded like a dating app profile name.
(I hardly consider myself to be "Steamy", being the nerd/geek that I am. 🤓)
So, I got self-conscious about it 😳 and changed my username to what it is now. 😅
Same, for subjects. Unless it was geometry..definitely not a fan of geometry. I also studied engineering and didn't finish. Now work from home and get paid pretty damn well for it so I'm happy.
Haha ya I hear ya, I like the stem route for sure.
Hi! Welcome! I’m glad that you’ve got a diagnosis. It’s a good first step.
You asked about accepting it. That has honestly been very very hard for me. I’ve read in ADDitude magazine and other books that a lot of ADHD’rs have enormous amounts of shame that keeps them from being able to take control of their situation and make lasting change. If you suffer from a related illness; depression, bi-polar,autism, etc; it can be even more difficult.
The shame I’ve felt and feel from being called lazy, selfish, stupid, from losing jobs, failing in school, poor financial habits, losing/forgetting things, is where my brain circles to if I’m going into a down cycle. It’s pretty bad.
My wife is just tired of the ADHD. I take my meds but it’s not enough. She said she regrets marrying me because of it and my bi-polar. She tolerates me but is easily frustrated or angry if I’m not “normal”. Pre-meds I was off the rails and crazy. Literally. She thinks I could have chosen to be different and that I ruined her life. It makes it hard to accept my differences.
My daughters are helpful. I feel bad about how my behavior affected them. But I’m aware that I didn’t choose it and they are as well. We are open and work on communicating well. In fact I owe my oldest an apology for carrying a joke too far.
Even though my wife hates(her words) my mental problems I’ve found a few things that help me accept my brain:
1. Find a good therapist if possible. I had the good grace to find a therapist who took my insurance and who is helping me find root causes to my shame and then learn how to deal with them.
2. Be kind to yourself. I’m working on giving myself grace and treating me like I would treat a good friend or my girls. I’d never curse them, call them names, etc so I shouldn’t do that to me either.
3. Be aware of your mood cycles. I’m bi-polar. I can tell when I’m swinging up or down, even on meds. My neighbors are in their mid 70’s and the husband suffers from PTSD and depression. He gets more depressed at the full moon. I get more depressed at the full moon. I didn’t realize that until talking to them. So now I do my best to get extra rest and let my family know I may not make it to church or outside events around that time.
4. Be open to safe people. My 75 year old neighbor has been amazingly helpful. So has an elder at my church and a good climbing buddy. If you have friends who will listen and help you understand yourself and your motives it goes along way to realizing you are not “dumb”.
5. Own your shit and be self aware. Apologies are key. Don’t blame shift or make excuses. Don’t grovel either. Just own it. Be aware of how you affect others, and how they affect you. (I gotta practice this very soon😁)
I’m have days where I hate my brain and desperately wish I was NT. They are getting fewer and less intense. Our brains are just different.
I’m pretty jealous about your STEM ability! Math and I are arch enemies. So your math brain is pretty amazing!
The less I compare myself to other people the better I am able to see my strengths and weaknesses in an objective light.
I'm definitely in the same boat as you with regards to my partner making me feel worse about my mental health issues. The thing is, she's a healthy professional (nurse) and is easily one of the most uncaring, unkind people going. She knows my self esteem is at an all-time low, yet she still puts me down, body shames or constantly goes on about our non-existant love life. I even put romantic post-its in her lunch bag and she doesn't even mentions them, she just bins them. I'm at a real crossroads in my life and feel like I having a breakdown/meltdown and/or midlife crisis. I have the support of my family (my parents), but I don't really have any friends and dealing with all my mental health problems along with potential Autism, is just hellish.
I wish I had faith to give added strength to me, but I don't have religious faith, as religion has never been part of my upbringing, or faith in really much anything anymore.
I relate to a lot here. And I wish we both had extra strength to give ourselves. Parental support is one thing, but can also feel isolating at times too.
I also wasn’t brought up with religious beliefs.
Sorry the spouse life is a struggle. Same here too.
I've nicknamed her (without her knowing) the Nagging Dragon.It's a horrible thing to be going through. Before her I had a 5 year drought between relationships and I can see that happening again. My poor parents want to be Grandparents so badly, but I don't know if that'll ever happen. I hate going back to see my Parents as all my school peers still live there, have married people from there and now their kids go to the same school. I just want to escape it.
join a support group for ADHD in Adults online. You are not alone. You can also start a group yourself. I found myself in this position about 18 years ago when my son was diagnosed and then me later on. I’ve been a Chapter Coordinator for that long with CHADD.org. We are here and you are not alone in this journey. Contact CHADD to find out how to start your own group in your community.
I've worked with people who have PTSD and I could often see how much they tried to not let it affect them.
The boss in my last job, who got me sacked, actually caused a female employee to develop PTSD, because her bullying/harassment and micromanaging was so severe. Said manager is still in the job because she's open about her own mental health issues, but she really shouldn't be managing people.
With the ADHD diagnosis I found some relief, because I then realised I could see alot of the traits in myself. It also explained why I struggled to grasp so many subjects at school. My teachers made me belief I wasn't an academic, because my Parents weren't academic, but the real issue was when I struggled with subjects, they just left me to flounder. Whereas my English teacher saw my potential, gave me additional help and that gave me a lifelong love of the English language, I may not have had with a different teacher.
I can empathise though, with struggling to accept a diagnosis, as my ADHD specialist noted autistic traits from the very first moment she met me. When I was going through my assessment, so many of the points I was making that I thought might be relevant to ADHD, she informed me was ADHD.
One thing you will notice about speaking to people on here are similarities in feelings regarding any mental health conditions. Also, some of the best information/experiences are from older people or those who were assessed as having ADHD some time ago and who are able to provide tips and valuable insights in to the condition.
So many great and interesting things you have said here!
It made me realize something. I did good in math and science because I got a lot of support from my father in those subjects as well as a few sports. Sucked at everything else though. Makes me think….
Also, actually, those with experience and more years on life than me - this right here has and always will be my favorite way to interact with the world. All of my true friends since I was quite young have been aged 50+. Every friend I have right now is 50+ and almost all of them with adult kids older than me….and their kids have kids for a few of them. Long winded comment, but couldn’t help it
I'm a newbie regarding ADHD, but I've lived with it all my 41 years. I could never understand why I excelled at things I had an interest in at school and sucked at those I didn't. My paternal side of my family are all geniuses at maths, but I was less than useless. My Dad tried to teach me maths and his system was to shout at me until I cried or to slap/hit me until I cried as he believed that would help me retain the information. That's when I was about 9 or 10. All it did was give me a hatred for maths and a lifelong resentment towards my Dad. My Great Uncle was a principal maths teacher and world champion bagpipe player and he tried to teach me the bagpipes when I was about 7. He ended up shouting at me until I cried because I couldn't understand musical notes.
Interestingly enough, the ADHD specialist who identified autistic 'quirks' of mine noticed that I have an interest in dates (years films were made, or albums were made) and numbers (comic book numbers).
I accepted the diagnosis because it was the only diagnosis in the last 20 years that actually explains everything I've been through my entire life. I started seeing parallels between vastly different life situations and all the dots started connecting.
I was horrified at first and for a few months at first, but that was not the hard part for me: The hardest part was two-fold in that NOW that I have the right diagnosis, my wife turned on me and it's felt quite a bit like everyone likes to jump on the bandwagon. Now you're feeling better? Well, now I'm going to dump on you. That's been incredibly hurtful, especially because one would think that sharing this good news, I'm now much better able to address and do so myself. Not so, I'm afraid.
The second reason I was horrified and it was extremely difficult is because I had to learn to slow down my mind and come to a stop, which I'd never done before. Mind you, I'm 51 years old and my diagnosis was a little under two years ago now. Once I stopped, I was unable to start again, redirect my thoughts, plan, execute, nothing. I saw in very painful detail how debilitating this god forsaken condition is and it made for the darkest days of my life.
All that said, I don't really share or explain with my family anymore, especially my wife. Even though RSD is very much a part of this ADHD thing, the hurtful things that were being said to me would have hurt anyone very deeply, regardless of any diagnosis. I put a summary stop to that. No one hurts me. If they don't have anything positive to say, I move on, period. Her silence is bliss.
That's been a shock to them, as they are used to me trying to explain this and make things better. As I become increasingly Stoic about this, they are having to get used to the new me and that's fine by me. I matter here first, then them.
No, it's not laziness, and all the rest of it that 'normies' like to throw out there in the cruellest of term. They are ignorant and cannot comprehend anything on this level, nor do they care to.
Likewise, you need to focus on your and I commend you for joining this forum. There is a wealth of knowledge, wisdom and experience here.
Sorry about the tone, but I dealing with the imminent death of a parent in hospice care and there is no relationship there, as I had to cut it off 12 years ago due to incredible amounts of emotional abuse inflicted on me by her all my life. I'm a bit fired up at the moment, as I'm going for a visit to say goodbye to this incredibly hurtful narcissist tomorrow and I will never see her again. Same happened with my violent, alcoholic dad about six years ago. No resolution / closure on either side. Great. Just great. Between all that, having no marriage to speak of and looking for work incessantly for one full year now, I will admit to being a tad on edge. Who else wants some? I've got plenty. This ADHD thing is not beating me, nor is anyone else. If they don't want to be with me or be nice to me, their loss. Moving on.
this is rough….the thing about adhd is that it’s not one sided. There are mega successful people that have adhd and the function very well either because of the discipline that had in there home growing up ; the help they received early on, they are routine oriented and the list could go on.
Don’t box yourself in based on what people are saying. Welcome to this community and to the opportunity to educate yourself more on this diagnosis.
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