I’ve been wanting to share something personal that’s been quite challenging for me. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and while it was a relief to finally have an explanation for so many of my struggles, finding supportive family and friends has been a whole other hurdle.
Some of my family members just don’t seem to get it. They think ADHD is just an excuse for being lazy or disorganized, and no matter how much I try to explain, they dismiss it. It’s frustrating because I want them to understand that it’s a legitimate condition that impacts many aspects of my life. I’ve even shared articles and resources with them, but it feels like talking to a wall sometimes.
Friends have been a mixed bag too. A few have been great—really understanding and supportive, trying to learn more about ADHD so they can better support me. But others? Not so much. Some have made offhand comments that really hurt, like, “Oh, everyone gets distracted sometimes,” or “You just need to try harder.” It’s hard to hear that from people you care about.
I’ve been looking for ways to build a better support system. Online communities have been a lifesaver. It’s reassuring to connect with others who truly understand what it’s like to live with ADHD. I also stumbled upon killthestar.com, which has some great insights and personal stories from people going through similar experiences. It’s helped me feel less alone in all this.
I’m curious, has anyone else here struggled with finding supportive family and friends after an ADHD diagnosis? How did you handle it? Any tips for helping loved ones understand better? Would love to hear your stories and advice.
Thanks for listening.
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2adhd
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You are not alone in this, I had and still have the same experience and it has been over a year since I was diagnosed. Furthermore for a while my husband tried to find any reason for me to stop medication. My parents passed, the only person that actually said something different was one of my aunts , who is also my godmother, and I spent two years with during my teenage years said " it all make sense". Here you will find understanding , support and resources. There are a number of reasons why they don't accept, one could be that you unintentionally hurt them or they do want to continue to blame you for all the things they think you've done wrong or you still do because of your symptoms. Some like parents might not want to admit to themselves that they failed you or might have it themselves and are not ready to admit to themselves. And some, like a very senior manager where I work are of the view that it is a trend and not real -scary as we do work with vulnerable people. You are not alone , lots of hugs and make sure to be kind to yourself and reach out for chats here xx
Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. You can share some information about ADHD with your family and friends. They probably need to have a better understanding on ADHD. chadd.org/about-adhd/overview/ We have support groups available through CHADD that could be really helpful if you want to be part of an ADHD community. chadd.org/affiliate-locator/ We also offer training courses for adults and parents to learn more about ADHD. chadd.thinkific.com/courses... and chadd.org/adult-to-adult/ Hopefully these resources help you.
If there is anything else you need, please let me know.
Hi 2adhd! You are not alone in what you wrote. My mom and 2 daughters are the only ones in my family who understand me. My wife and in-laws are disappointed. My wife told me she wouldn’t have married me if she knew I was ADHD and bi-polar. She tolerates me and is clear on how I don’t measure up to other men or fathers. I disappoint and embarrass her just by being alive.
When I was undiagnosed and not on meds I did and said , and didn’t do and didn’t say, many things I want to take back and decisions I want to unmake. I’ve owned them. Apologized. My daughters understand and are quick to point out if I’m being an ass, acting out of past habits, or just not being self aware. We talk openly about how pre-med days affected them and it grieves me. We are working on making new relational habits and structures. It’s very hard. But worth it!
I don’t have many friends but the few I have are supportive. Oddly the most supportive are an older couple who live across the creek from us. They are in their late 70’s and if I’m down or just confused I can talk to them.
I think ND folks will always deal with comments like you mentioned because we are different. It’s always easier to judge than seek to understand a different viewpoint. I know I struggle with that. It’s easy for me to judge a person who is not from my area, socioeconomic station, or type of work. I have to really work at it and honestly? Sometimes I’m just too tired or depressed to even try.
I wonder if the folks calling ADHD’rs lazy etc. would be more understanding if they were not so tired and busy? No excuses but perhaps a reason?
Keep your head up! Own your shit. Apologize but don’t grovel. Celebrate your brain!
You are definitely not alone and alot that you said resonates with me too.
My Mum is appreciative of me as a person, but she definitely believes the ADHD diagnosis to be a fad and a trend, even if it answers so much about how I struggled in school and found it difficult to relate to my peers. She can see some things in me that are ADHD, but she still isn't as accepting as I'd like.
My Dad is very 'old school' and just believes if anything, it's 'just depression ' and not that serious, despite my previous suicide attempts because of the 'just depression'. He doesn't seem to grasp that it has affected me with regards to very low self-esteem and low confidence. Even though I'm now in my 40s, he still tries to steer the course of my life and comes out with useless comments like "I don't know why you're not more confident", even if it's partly down to the ADHD, but also because when I was a kid, he'd take me out walks and blame me for everything under the sun - with things like when he and my Mum were arguing, he alleged it was because I didn't tidy my room or he couldn't sleep at night because I didn't continue playing the trumpet at school. He always blames everyone else for his problems. My Dad definitely has some neuro divergent issues, but he's in his 70s, would never acknowledge them and always likes to impart the blame on everyone else.
I just feel very frustrated that it's taken until my 40s for this to be addressed. It feels like I've had a life only half lived because of my incessant procrastination. I'm not on meds yet, but I don't really have a support network because my partner is very uncaring and unsympathetic, despite being a nurse. She struggles with my ADHD hoarding and I struggle with her erratic mood swings and inability to really talk or listen.
I have few friends and they are too wrapped up in their own lives. One friend definitely has ADHD, but he was/is a recreational drug user and 'spaces out', when spoken to. I've known him nearly 25 years and it's extremely frustrating because he doesn't listen. Another friend has Autistic Spectrum Disorder, which he uses as an excuse for everything and despite my also potentially having that, he'd say he's worse, despite the fact he has lived independently for over 17 years, whereas I struggle with independent living.
It's hard not living in the past when people and institutions let you down all the time. Looking at all my old primary school reports, it's clear I had problems and issues that were never addressed or just plainly ignored. Back in the late 80s to mid 90s Britain, ADHD was really not known or acknowledged. I just wish it had been, as I have a good brain, if I only knew how to properly access and utilise it.
I completely understand and yes, it is incredibly difficult. I am rejected so roundly by my wife especially, and to a lesser degree, my daughters, that I try to not talk about it anymore, full stop. I have retreated from my faith, even, which is basically the last frontier for me.
All that said, I've started reading the Stoics, beginning with Seneca, because I have completely retreated and gone the other way. In other words, I look for interior healing in and of myself, and that, I can attest, is where I needed to begin. I know it sounds terribly sad and drab, but once you start getting stoicism, it has a surprisingly calming and simplifying effect. Of course, add to that exercise, proper diet, and a good 12-15 minutes of meditation every day and you'll do much better, if you're not doing that already.
Naturally, good sleep is paramount and a lot of us ADHDers are also insomniacs. I was for my first 50 years until last year, when listening to Andrew Huberman and his podcast on Sleep Protocols taught me how to sleep all over again. The importance of good sleep cannot be overstated. If that's a box you need to check, there is simply no better source than Huberman. That can be said of a number of his podcasts, especially as they not only relate to cognitive functions for the general population, but by applying those principles to my ADHD brain, my cognitive ability has improved dramatically from my big crash about 1.5 years ago.
All that said, it's been a few months of stoic self-sufficiency and self-discipline, and although life is now different and very tough, it has gotten better. You mentioned in your post 'how others can better support you', and, with nothing but respect for the battle you're fighting, I would encourage you to stop looking for others for understanding and support. What I realized in this journey is that the more I did just that, the more we were slipping into some sort of increasingly codependent dynamic that I didn't like (not them either).
So, all that said, feel free to message me if you need an 'attagirl', which I KNOW we all need, but this world simply refuses to give us, especially through our families.
A few things I've learned first hand: One, it's about attraction, not retention. I have a far better relationship with my girls by simply being quiet and showing better behaviors and results in my daily living. My wife now talks to me a little and is less abrasive. I used to try to explain things to them so they would 'understand me', or better 'support me', but I realized that that was, in effect, recruitment, and was not going to work. Interestingly, on the rare occasion that I do explain something (example: Leaving the table at dinner because my little one is talking too much, too fast, too loud and it triggers another mood swing), I simply say something like "I'm going to read for a bit", or whatever activity will engage my mind away from whatever stimulus is causing the discomfort. Having explained that, there are boundaries, I take control of the episode, and if they get 'upset that I'm being anti-social', well, that's their problem. It is crucial to get up without resentment, looking angry, etc. Yes, it benefits them, but mostly, it benefits ME.
Two, paradoxically, by learning to PLACE ME FIRST, I have developed much better boundaries that are much better accepted/received than any explanation and request for support.
Three, I have control over my CHOICES. This adult ADHD thing is a very lonely place and it still feels like a nightmare to me when I wake up every day. Frankly, Groundhog Day has nothing on this thing. That said, so what? There is a choice to be made every minute of every day, sometimes every few seconds. I not only get to choose, but I HAVE TO choose, because if not, I run the risk of getting upset again, overly emotional, and all the rest of it.
Four, those choices are not gladiatorial, macho, 'Rocky in the final round' choices either. These are SUBTLE yet POWERFUL choices. Example: Yes, I feel really bad and I'm very anxious about XYZ, etc... HOWEVER, I'm going to teach myself a little bit more right now to simply not care; be completely 'irresponsible' with regard to that situation/thing/person. And I mean it literally: Not To Respond, period. No situation/thing/person deserves to seal my time away in any measure of pain. My time is MINE. Yes, but it feels like a mountain of pain that I can't contain. Ok, sure, beat yourself up. Tomorrow, not right now. You have permission to beat yourself up tomorrow. Weirdly, that has worked for me repeatedly and there are now 2-3 week streaks now where tomorrow doesn't come. A-ha.
Anyway, apologies for the rant, but your topic of discussion is very near and dear to my heart and I can honestly say that the guy I used to be is now dead and I've had to reinvent myself with brute-force. The more I read these forums and round out my understanding of my own ADHD and of the condition in general, I see this major, abrupt and incredibly challenging and lonely mid-life reset as a common theme with recent diagnoses in adults like myself, and we need to support each other, as we are having to discover and accept that other people, even our families are wired differently and ne'er the twain shall meet.
Keep fighting the good fight by not fighting so much, and you'll see more clearly through to the things that need to get done and you'll find how other things that brought you no pleasure before now bolster your sense of well-being, etc. With that, you will start attracting positive attention from your family here and there, and that, is a HUGE improvement over constant conflict and confrontation.
Huh... never heard of Holiday. I'll check him out.
Thanks for the acknowledgment. I find that reading the stoics is very helpful, especially in today's society where everyone is just falling over each other with all sorts of self-victimizing behaviour that is now, for some deranged reason, in vogue.
Obviously that, coupled with social media and this awful invention that is the smartphone, I'm not sure that there has been a worst time in human history for anyone to have ADHD.
All that said, the stoics take me back to ancient times and by virtue of doing so, all the trappings of modern life fall away and they help me to see things much more clearly. It's useful to remember too, that I read them, they tend to also complain about the intricacies of 'modern life' in their day, so in a sense, there is nothing new under the sun.
What can I learn from all this? Get better at not paying attention to things that are hurtful to me, my attention, focus, self-confidence, and my thriving, and putting down all those harmful things that this fallen world is only to happy to spoon feed me, if I let it.
I was lucky. My husband was a strong supporter of seeking professional help. And, both of my kids are ADHD. They are in their mid 40s. So, for me, there is no stigma about seeing a psychologist. However, outside of my family, its tough. For me, I finally realized that it is hard to get support from people who just don't understand and can't because their brains work completely differently. So instead of trying to explain, I just say here is a behavior I'm trying to change and this is the tool I'm using.
Agreed. Simple, elegant, and to the point. I definitely think there is something to be said for brevity, not for the audience, but for the speaker; in this case, US. By reversing that dynamic, I only give a five second clarifying statement about what I am doing, rather than trying to explain away for a long time how this 'feels'. That is super draining. In my case, I forced myself to become much quieter, which helped me start using the 'brake pedal', if you will, but it also caused all manner of pain and suffering by having to figure out how to channel that cognitive energy in different ways.
At some point I realized I was truly alone, but less and less lonely. It's a very interesting thing to go through, to become increasingly and totaly oneself. It's like Seneca says that with hope comes fear. If one hopes for nothing and is content with what one already has, that fear on the flipside loses its power. Yes, I do want to live a hopeful life, but on better terms, not with this fear dumbell. Learning to be, live and grow truly alone is actually bringing me some semblance of peace that sounds rather counterintuitive, but nonetheless is real.
I admire you for fighting this fight. I know what it's like, and if no one else will tell you this, I'm more than happy to. I'm very proud of you and God sees your struggles, even if no one else can. Be well. Breathe. It's all going to get a tiny bit better after reading this, and tomorrow and so on.
WOW! Are you a writer? how do you write so well...please teach me how to collect my thoughts in this manner. Ah! ADHD it has it's good and bad in everyone. BUT if i wrote like you...oh boy! I would conquer my first battle COMMUNICATION!
ADHD has it's way...at least for me...to twist and turn my brain to the point of not even remembering where i started. Anyone with me here?
Oh yes, but less so with every passing day, given my multi-faceted regimen to approach and manage my ADHD.
Thank you for the kind complement. If I may repay it, I envy your short message, as I seem incapable as yet, of making my written missives less verbose.
Brevity being the soul of wit, I'll leave it there for now.
No, you are not alone in this struggle. I first turned to my family and was very cautious about telling friends. Work was a different ball game altogether. I was lucky because it was pre-covid and I found a local ADHD/ADD support group. Now there are some in "MEETUP" Chadd. I think probably ADDA also.
I was diagnosed several years ago, and though much older than I believe you are, was at first shocked at the diagnosis. Researching and learning helped me a lot. Unfortunately, I wound up with an attitude, but it was "this is me, this is how I am." I looked back and realized the diagnosis explained a lot of what I did, why I did it, ADD was my reason.
I also realized, some people were empathetic, some were not. Being it the support group helped me a lot, I wasn't alone. that gave me comfort. Those who understood, I became much closer to, those who didn't I kept explaining and trying to teach them what I learned. I am stubborn, so I didn't give up, but I learned to be more patient with them. And I kept improving myself. Medication helps, Diet, exercise and good sleep, therapy, coaching, learning as much as I can about me it all contributes.
Hello,I was diagnosed a couple of years ago at 46. I'm still having some trouble finding community too, but I keep trying. I have had some push back from family too. Not too bad because I backed off quickly on saying too much to avoid it as needed. As I am learning more about adhd and neurodivergent stuff in general I am realizing that other family members are likely undiagnosed ADHD people. Combined with coming from a family and generation where I was taught to not complain, be self sufficient and never ask for help (it shows weakness) I think I may understand a little why. Firstly, maybe those saying all these symptoms are normal have them too but are not ready to see that it is fact not normal. They were also told growing up that it was. Second, there is always some investment/comfort in thinking you already know and understand the world or how brains work or whatever. Finding out that we actually don't know as much as we were told or that what we've been told was a gross oversimplification (at best) can be alarming and hard to believe maybe? I'm sure there is more than even that too. I would actually love to know that some smart people are looking into studies of late diagnosed neurodivergent types specifically. Like what extra damage there might be, what strengths or capabilities are common for those who managed for so long, are there differences in the brain types or growth, how can it be recovered/healed from, etc?
yep. I feel completely alone since my diagnosis. My on paper “perfect” family won’t acknowledge that I may have ADD. Classic. My mom is a retired special ed teacher and she feels she would know if I had it . (Maybe she’d recognize her traits too?) My well educated, very “successful” sisters refuse to believe it is possible. My poor dad just puts his head down, never complains, and just “works harder” and drinks from 5 pm to bedtime. His way to fix everything. It breaks my heart.
I’m female, a huge pleaser, masked my way through life to the point I literally don’t even know what to do if I get to choose. Did well in school, and everything else, as a perfectionist. Work to burn out as a healthcare professional. Just keep trucking.
No real friends, limited real connection in relationship. I’ve never felt I could tell people how I really feel, bc, let’s be honest, whenever I did in my life I was told my feelings were inappropriate. (Dark humour at work is the exception to this) I think my husband tries, but mostly he just gets super busy all the time. Hard to feel like he is not just trying to avoid me. I worry for my kids who both feel “broken” but I’m sure they will never want a diagnosis after seeing the reaction I’ve received. My daughter is a super anxious nurse. My son a super busy engineer. Yep, I see the patterns.
My goal is to end the silence and end the loneliness somehow. So we may all benefit. Maybe we can be a real, supportive family to each other? As I say this it feels like an absolute pipe dream, but I have to believe it is possible. I thank this online community for the first real support and understanding I have felt in a very long time, maybe ever. Even my therapist questions me all the time. Bless you all! Heartfelt gratitude.
My question: I know I have “self medicated” with stress forever. Through self compassion mediation and other things I am learning to stay relaxed and “in my body” which really feels awesome. I love it. I’m also hoping I may be productive in this relaxed state. (My default is still my habit to “get stressed” to get anything done). Does anyone have experience with this? Advice? I’m finally a little less irritated, and really, I don’t want to go back to the old me, ever.
Wow. This got out of hand. Hopefully something in it is helpful to someone. And “may our efforts towards finding the good benefit not only ourselves, but others and maybe even all of humankind”. Xoxo
Hello, I was recently diagnosed myself at 46 and I have come across the same thing. Thankfully I have a wonderful supportive partner, which has meant the world. I’m very careful who I share my diagnosis with, as I know how opinionated some people are.
I did tell one person that my medical conditions do not require their response and if they insist on giving one to at least educate themselves first. I’m at the stage in life where I really don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone, and unless they are my personal physician, their opinions are irrelevant. Just more noise to block out. I’m sorry you have come across this, but you know yourself best so don’t be afraid to have firm boundaries with people. This condition is hard enough to deal with and if people can’t be supportive, they still have to be respectful.
Friends and family that do not have ADHD will not be able to afford support until there is a sincere curiosity and willingness to take the ADHD at face value and accept that it is a real disability that is recognized by the ADA and requires knowledge and awareness of how it impacts you on a personal level. The nature and severity of ADHD can vary greatly depending on the type and conditions you are dealing with at the time. Since ADHD is invisible those near you may create a story or narrative in their mind according to their own reality that is not necessarily true or accurate. That is hurtful and can lead to interpersonal conflict. Finding support from others that recognize the importance of seeing the ADHD despite the invisibility is key. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an apology for living with a congenital condition that you’ve had since birth and that your environment has impacted throughout your life span. You only need to know that ADHD is a gift to share with the world and not a curse. There may be suffering and struggle to overcome in a world that does not think see and act like you but that doesn’t make you any less valuable than someone without ADHD. Choose battles with family and friends wisely. Don’t squeeze any oranges that aren’t producing juice. Let the relationship be and form without them getting it and accept their decision to not ask questions and be curious about you. In other wards—don’t let anyone in your life or history that doesn’t get it get in your head or in the way of your health and well being. Keep connecting to your inner self and those who want to know and love you.
I struggle each and everyday. Many around me don't get it that I'm not lazy, uninterested and others things you mentioned.
This road is painful, but as many have suggested accepting this is you, focusing on chipping away at this and finding ways that will help you (because after all this thing effects us differently)and finding the olive branch despite repeated failure is how you can slowly start living as you. The fear of messing up... unfortunately i don't think can ever go away but it's intensity can lessen.
We have to, i think prove these things to ourselves (that we can do it with fear and all) so that we don't give others the chance to add to that stress and fear that comes with adhd. grab it by the cojones (look up the word, it's in spanish). wow just saying that word gave me strength.
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