how to navigate the start of relationships

[jord12111]

Does anyone else struggle with navigating romantic relationships early on?

I find when I actually enjoy a person I’m dating, that almost immediately I become fixated on everything and whether or not it will work, why they haven’t texted or called even if it’s only been a few hours. I basically overthink every possible scenario like they might be on another date or maybe they’re ghosting me. I just find I have such a hard time in the start and almost become overly attached. It makes me feel like I’m a crazy toxic person and I don’t want to be like that. (I’m a 23 yr old woman with adhd)

[Vicster111]

Hiya, I was the same, I superfixate and worry about everything. Then after a certain length of time normally about 2 years sometimes way less, I would just go off people. It was a bit of a standing joke amongst family and friends. I used to think i was just really self destructive and i also stayed in a few very abusive relationships way lomger than i should have. I was only diagnosed at 47 Yr old at the end of last Yr, started concerta in Feb, they did help me with that side of me a lot. But the anxiety I got from the 36mg and 54mg were horrendous. I've been changed to elvanse(vyvanse) 30mg and what a difference still has the same effect on that maybe not aa good with everything else but lasts 10-12 hrs with me and no crash. Are you on any medication? Not a miracle drug but definitely helps 😊

[BLC89]

Hello jord12111,

You sounds like a pretty normal ADHDer new in a relationship. It is hard to relax because you like the person and don't want anything to go wrong. So what can you do?

Breathe! Seriously, when you start to feel that swirling of thoughts or dread or worry take 3 of the longest breaths you ever have. It is a natural reset to the system.

A lot of the doubt and worry come from lack of self confidence due to messages we carry with us. As an ADHDer you were told, explicitly or implicitly, you "just try harder" or "you aren't living up to your potential" or "if you really wanted to you could."

I am guessing that the "just try harder" message is fueling a lot of your anxiety. What if they leave you and there is something bigger, better, more you could have done. What if, you just didn't try hard enough?

The opposite of that is trying too hard. Because your gauge for what constitutes "regular effort" is skewed you can go overboard and give too much attention or hyper fixate on a person and that can be too much for them.

My suggestion is to talk to the person you care about and explain that you are learning some new skills and may not always get it right. You need to be comfortable with their feedback (that's a whole other post but communication will be the key.

Explain that you like them and you are looking forward to getting to know them better. Explain that you can get really excited when you like someone and sometimes that comes out as tons of attention on them, lots of text, etc.

Explain that you can get worried even when things are "normal" mostly because you don't really know what "normal" feels like. Don't ask that they reassure you all the time but let them know that you may ask for reassurance from time to time and not because you are overly needy but because you are learning what "normal" is. Does that make sense?

Just remind them you are learning and if you have a misstep you would appreciate their guidance in getting back on track.

If this is too much for them then they are not the right person for you at this point in your journey. If they take complete and utter control and constantly tell you what "normal" is, run away! That is not someone looking out for your best interest.

Relationships are hard, they just are. You have to deal with a whole other person and what they are thinking, feeling and wanting. Allow it to be challenging, allow not knowing to be ok.

Remind yourself that if they have not told you directly then you don't know for sure! Assumptions are death to relationships, get it straight from them. Ask the question even if you think you know the answer, because you don't. You don't know what they are thinking unless they tell you, so don't make up stories as if you do.

Good luck!

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an Adult and Parent ADHD coach helping those with ADHD navigate this non-ADHD world. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and have two kids with ADHD. I am CCSP certified.

Find out more at bluelakecoaching.com

[jord12111 in reply to BLC89]

Thank you so much. This is really helpful.

[KentuckTD in reply to BLC89]

Love this reply!!!

[NotAChevy]

hey! Pls don't feel like a crazy woman! I did a post a couple of weeks ago where I described those same feelings…