My parnter has adhd and I'm looking for advice

[Jelly2459]

Hi I'm new here but I thought I would give it a shot . Me and my partner have been together for 3 years engaged for 1 . He has adhd it's diagnosed but not treated.I've researched many things to try and learn more about it but there is a lot of problems in our relationship which h stem from his adhd he has agreed that is the case . However whenever I bring up anything to try and help manage it he says he will try but then doesn't he says he tells me he will try so it doesn't blow up into anything if he was ro say no .

I've asked him if he will seek professional help but he doesn't want to he doesn't believe its a problem even tho he agreed a few of our relationship issues are a result of his adhd for example his forgetfulness. I'm just wondering is there anything else I could try to maybe push him in the right direction of helping himself and therefore us and he sees it as me only thinking about myself which isn't the case I do worry that surely he can't be happy having adhd and I just want to help him manage it but I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped but I can't understand why he wouldn't want to try if he can agree it's a reassuring issue in our relationship

Any advice is welcome

[Pro-masker]

Hey jelly 2459.

This really isn't going to help, but I have made a resource exactly for this problem. In the hope it will help people relationships break down, I know it first hand, I've just been lucky to have my wife as anyone else would run for hills. I've managed 21yrs and 12 yrs married. So it's proof with a little bit of help it can work.

But CHADD won't let me share it. Like I'm trying to promote myself or make some sort of money from.

But free means free in my world. Buy hey it is what it is.

What I (hope) I can do is maybe cut little bits out and share it with you?

It's for the partner of someone with adhd (the neurotypical) as my wife really has taken the brunt of my adhd and found almost no resource to help the neurotypical, it's always all about the adhder themselves.

If you give me a rough idea of the exact area you would like help with ill try and find something in my resource and paste it here for you? So it'll just be someone TRYING to help others and not, as they put it 'self promoting'.

I've put a lot of effort in it and it's from personal experiences.

I'm not that educated but with some editing help from chatgpt I manged to make something from my skillful brain.

It's seem like something that would be so valuable to someone like yourself and right now feels like a complete waste of my time. Being prevented from helping others seem a bit stupid and really not helpful at all.

You say the word and I'll do my best, without getting booted! Lol

[Pro-masker]

Also maybe it could help.

I've started taking simple nootropics with are just amino acids. The ones I take help with dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine production and reduction in adhd symptoms.

They have seriously helped me and I've actually been about to reduce my stimulants without any of my symptoms rebounding and also only take a very very small dose of anti depressant.

I can list them if you like?

[Jelly2459 in reply to Pro-masker]

Honestly I'd love all the help you could offer is there anyway to like dm on here or even dm on an app of some sorts so u could share everything freely I feel like it would make it easier for you

[ChaosDad]

Hello Jelly, I can only speak for myself when I say this.

When I was first diagnosed I thought it would help the misunderstandings, divergent fights, and maybe even bring closure on why I was so different. In the end it actually made it worse.

From learning that there is no one size fits all solution for ADHD, but to be expected to adopt a one size fits all "This is how we're going to deal with you", is outrageously frustrating. However the worst part was the understanding that no matter how painful my ADHD will never not affect those around me. Ignoring the symptoms hurt more in the long run.

[Jelly2459 in reply to ChaosDad]

Hi there I appreciate your take on things I understand adhd can be different for everyone who has it but I di belive it does affect those around whenever the sufferer is however my oarnter doesn't see this he says its his mental issue not mine so it's his problem I don't think he really sees how it also affects me and I know that may seem a bit selfish but it's true I'm just stuck I can't force him to understand I guess I just have to be patient and hope he learns to understand my point of view on the matter

[PinkPanda23]

I'm the ADHD partner, and we've been together 33 years, married for 30. My partner is also neurodiverse, but not ADHD. Neither of us was diagnosed for the first 18 years together. We had our share of relationship problems stemming directly from my ADHD before and after diagnosis. The worst one for me was feeling like a defective person that my partner felt he could fix if I just listened to his superior logic and changed myself, his project. It raised my hackles and made me feel lower than whale poop as a person.

If you've researched as much as you say, you've surely come across scientific information about how ADHD brains are wired. There is significant chemical activity that affects executive functioning, time perception, and emotional regulation. Even with trial and error using multiple medications available, many of us still struggle navigating the neurotypical world. So without medication, therapy and monumental efforts, many of us cannot function the way others expect us to.

If you cannot accept your fiance as he is, without needing him to change, you might be better off not staying together. His resistance to your insistence is part of his ADHD, and part of how he copes being a square peg which doesn't fit into the round holes around him. This isn't a moral question of right or wrong, it just is. It appears he is not able, or willing, or both to put effort into changing himself to your satisfaction. That probably sounds cold, but the facts are that if we were able to ease the struggles of ADHD by just trying a little, we all would do it! None of us enjoys being different, struggling, failing. We know we're a big disappointment to people around us, and when we forget, they remind us. Whatever you are doing, it is not "helping," no matter what you call it.

Either embrace your partner, including the quirks and annoyances, or release him. Hanging on and demanding he change is not good for either of you. Best wishes!

[Jelly2459 in reply to PinkPanda23]

Thankyou this is really insightful actually and I see your point we cam never mold a person into the perfect being. If he show will to want to try and manage and learn about his adhd that would be good but I cannot force him I understand that and sometimes difficult choices may have to be made for the great good of us both so I shall keep that in mind thankyou 😊

[GreenGrass24]

Hi, thank you so much for sharing—your care and effort really come through in your message. Supporting a partner with ADHD can be incredibly challenging, especially when you’re trying your best to help, and it feels like your efforts aren't being received the way you hope. One thing that helped me personally—and might be a gentle entry point for your partner—is occupational therapy (OT). Unlike traditional talk therapy, OT focuses on practical tools to manage everyday struggles like forgetfulness, time blindness, emotional regulation, and more. It’s not about “fixing” the person—it’s about learning how to live in a way that works with the ADHD brain instead of constantly feeling stuck or frustrated. Your partner might be feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, or even afraid to admit how much ADHD is affecting him. Sometimes when people say “yes” but don’t follow through, it’s because they’re trying to avoid conflict but don’t yet have the capacity or readiness to take action. That’s really tough for both of you.

There’s a platform called Melo (hellomelo.co) that connects people to ADHD-specialized OTs—it’s super easy to get started and might feel more approachable than traditional therapy. Also, make sure to take care of yourself through this. Supporting someone with ADHD can be emotionally exhausting, and it’s okay to need support too. You’re not alone in this, and I really admire how much heart you’re putting into your relationship. 💛