how to meet people at 40+

[Lushr]

as a recently diagnosed adult female ADHD, I can confirm I was bullied all my life, did not hold on to friends and am a late bloomer romantically.

it’s taken a long time but I’m finally ready to get back out into the world and meet people and date.

But I have paralysing social anxiety… I’m much older than the music friends I know. And I find it difficult to be myself when I’m not in a safe space (my work, or my apartment).

I WONT be using dating apps. I’m not that pretty, even a bit over weight. But I’m fun, interesting, creative and smart.

I feel incredibly stupid saying this but for the first time since my twenties, I’m ready to fall in love. I’m just scared of people! I deal best one on one…

and let’s not discount that crippling rejection sensitive dysphoria!

any idea or suggestions appreciated, I’m a sci fi fan, I play guitar, I can barely cook and I’m not even slightly sporty!

[STEM_Dad]

I wish I knew, but I hope that someone comes along with good advice.

I'm not ready to date yet (having been married for 20 years and now divorced a little over a year). I'm in counseling now, and my counselor has been helping me with my self-image. My whole marriage, and for several years before, my identity was focused on being married to one particular person. (While I'm grateful that I got to live my dream for 20 years...it's not healthy to lose your identity in a relationship.)

I'm going through a lot of growth, at the moment.

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Things I do know:

Start by having healthy love and respect for yourself.

Think about what you're looking for in a relationship. Ask yourself: What might you be willing to compromise on, and what would be a deal-breaker for you?

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I do know that some of the best relationship research that I know of says that couples that stay together like, love, and respect each other.

From other relationship experts, I've learned that we each have four areas of attraction: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual (meaning "beliefs and values", not necessarily meaning "religious").

[Lushr in reply to STEM_Dad]

thank you STEM_Dad

Yeah… I have been working on my friendships and practicing my skills in communicating difficult feelings rather than reacting or bottling up….

I can remember losing myself in my last relationship and I think it’s easily done. And we get lazy, we fall into pattern… it’s an incredible amount of effort NOT to do that.

But yeah I guess im looking for a best friend, someone I WANT to hang out with.

I feel like I’d be a really supportive partner at this point and at least self aware of my failings.

I need someone who will speak up for themselves, they can’t just agree with whatever I say. And beliefs and values are probably more important to me than the other stuff.

I’m sure I still have massive intimacy issues, while i over share, I think in reality actually talking about the big feelings, or even admitting I have feelings for someone will be the hardest part.

I thought about what short courses are going on locally… if I was a normal person and wanted to get out and meet people I’d probably try new experiences….

I’m going to avoid bars, speed dating etc, as I’ve learnt that if these are places I’m uncomfortable there’s a good reason.

[Linda123456]

hi Lushr, I know you said you won’t be using dating apps, but I suggest, maybe, take a look at eharmony. I met my hubby there 14 years ago, in both our early 40s. Yes, I met a couple of duds and some very nice guys, but I hit the jackpot finding my amazing soulmate. I liked eharmony because it is quite and extensive process to create your profile, then the matches you see are based on an algorithm, not just anyone can see you…they have to be matched. They then have a structured process to get to know each other before you progress to free from contact, then email, etc. you can shortcut the process, but anyone that asked me to I just nixed. It made me feel safer. Totally get it if it is just simply off the table, but for me, not wanting to meet somebody at a bar, because I’d outgrown bars, it was the next logical thing. Please, do feel free to completely ignore my suggestion! Best wishes to you for a successful relationship!

[Lushr in reply to Linda123456]

thanks for your thoughtful reply. I’m concerned about the marketing profiling which is the main point of dating apps.

But I’m also concerned about abuse, I’ve heard so many stories of women being harangued for not being pretty enough, or being harassed for sex for being too pretty. Just doesn’t seem… ok.

[Gettingittogether]

At a site like eharmony, abuse will be extremely rare. I was on Match.com and didn't run anything like that. But I'm a guy.

On the aging thing, are you able to have fun with the young people. If you could for a moment wipe out of your brain that you have more years on the planet than these musical folks, do you talk to them comfortably?

In my mid to late 40's I joined a swing dance scene in my city. Well there was an established, full of middle-aged folks, and then there an upstart group. The upstart scene was much better than the other. More frequent dances, better planning, better bands, better lessons before and after dances, more enthusiasm ... and they were in their 20s. In fact ,some of the best dance scenes were at local colleges and universities.

I often had that feeling of "dang, I'm hanging with a lot of young people." But to be brutally honest, I never felt like they were treating me poorly. Never.

Now I made sure not to be the creepy old guy hitting on young women.

Just look for groups you are interested in ... look for events you are interested in ... don't worry about being out of practice. The right person will make you feel comfortable.

[Lushr]

yes I get along with my younger friends. But the particular scene is very trans/gay and young of which I am none, so I have fun hanging out but am unlikely to meet anyone to date

I’ll keep looking for new bands, eventually I’ll hit upon another scene I like. But I rarely feel myself at gigs. So… we will see. I’m into the zine scene too, so might meet people that way.

Just realised there’s a guy in my building i quite like I should have chatted to him today.

My friend told me they got a lot of crap on the dating site they used about ten years ago,I’ve forgotten the name again! It was a big one like rsvp… but she did meet a great guy!

[Happytwin42]

I was bullied also I was called ugly skinny all the time I could remember when I was playing sports in jr High I played basketball plus my little sister was the water girl I wanted her there with me so I wouldn't feel alone n that we had each other's back so as I was getting my unform n stuff together to get on the activity bus everyone was was seated except for me n my sister I walk all the way to the back of the bus no one would let me sit with them they even called me ugly while I was trying to find a seat before the bus pulled of so no one would move over

[Happytwin42 in reply to Happytwin42]

At the moment this rage of angry came over so I said f.....This I"am going on I told me sister let's go we don't half to deal with this I told me coach what's was going I was like why r they treated us like this we didn't do anything to them I was crying alittle I started to hang the coach my unform to her I said I"am going home she ask why I said no one wants me to sit with them she said no mam we don't quite no matter what when she took us back on that bus only one person let me sit with them my sister sat wright beside me

[al2454]

Hey Hey! We are all beautiful in our own way and so are You! When I was ready to date and get out I went with my family, you know… like cousins, etc.

If you live close to any family start slow and go out to eat or something with them first just to feel comfortable away from home. It worked for me! Hang in There!