How can I best make “helpful”suggestions to family members and husband with RSD

[Lilwonder]

My husband has severe RSD in conjunction with childhood trauma and raging (undiagnosed but not unrecognized by him) ADHD. He completely shuts down and becomes fully enraged whenever I try to make suggestions to him. (This can be anything from him seeing me wipe off some dirt from a plate he just washed, to, heaven forbid, interrupting him when he’s talking even though I really thought he was done). Please help me. I’m constantly walking on eggshells. And I’m kinda done. And yes. I have ADHD too, but with different traits, but I do have empathy for him.

[Gettingittogether]

So sorry to hear of your situation. Can you afford therapy for yourself? A good therapist can help us think through really difficult situations and help us come up with new strategies for dealing with a partner.

Why is he not getting a diagnosis? If he's not had a diagnosis, then I presume he's not being treated. I come from a family with lots of conditions and one conclusion I came to was that I was not going to stay with a partner who refused to AGGRESSIVELY get help for their condition. Simply won't do it. But that's me.

And look, are there good things in the marriage that are working for you?

[Mamamichl in reply to Gettingittogether]

Do you have the ability to bring up your concerns to his doctor? If hehears it from a professional, perhaps he will take it better. At least then you won’t be the one rejected. I know that doing our fights helped my ex and me feel heard and not able to interrupt each other. It then allowed us to go back over it when we were calmer.

Another idea is to read ADHD podcasts or read ADHD books with him to “help me learn more, and help you to help me”. DON’T point out his characteristics, but let him and ponder the ideas if he notices them. I have similar RSD and PTSD, though the rage was not as often or extreme. For example, I would run out of the elementary classroom daily crying, and my partner and me had some pretty extreme arguments.

It took me until my 30s to realize it was my pride was being hurt and I was overreacting to the amount of hurt I should be feeling. Last week in counseling, my therapist also pointed out that my hurt was still logical, but not proportional. Maybe pointing out parts for your RSD (if you have it) and doing things to self help with visuals around the house will also help him. Just make sure he thinks it is for YOUR benefit alone. He may start to think how it is the same with him.

[wtfadhd]

hey Lilwonder, being able to accept feedback from others is a skill set. being able to cope with others and co exist is also a skill set. having a solid self esteem and not feeling rejected 24/7 is also a skill set.

childhood trauma and undiagnosed untreated adhd can completely exacerbate anything negative that already exists in us.

it takes alot of interpersonal skills to have a happy marriage. your husband doesnt have those skills right now

therefore, it is very unlikely that there is a secret way or adhd hack to communicate with your husband bout stuff that triggers him to become completely unregulated.

if u want to have a functional n happy n mature relationship- both partners gotta be capable of doing their part. instead of making helpful suggestions… have you ever considered putting boundaries down?

people get confused and think boundaries are us telling other people what that person needs to do, should do, etc. but thats not what a boundary is.

i suggest that u determine what your boundaries actually are, and then do personal work to actually live by then n honor them vs trying to help your husband by telling him the appropriate way to function. bc although u wouldnt prob be spot on… its not gonna be helpful.

you gotta ask yourself if u can be happy n whole n live your life well assuming that your husband never ever makes a single consistent change in a more mature direction…. and if u can then great, no need to even give him helpful feedback that he doesnt want anyway. but if you cant live your best life with him being the way he is- what will YOU do in response to keep your own peace ? that answer is your boundary. boundaries are silent n reflect the way a person personally does life - they arent spoken threats about what u will do if another person doesn't do xyz…

hard stuff

[Prussic]

Welcome! I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. It’s tough to be in your spot.

I’m a 47 yo male with ADHD. I too struggle with RSD and it’s made things difficult for my wife. I’ll share my perspective. I’m still working on this aspect of my life in individual therapy as well as couples therapy. In transparency my marriage is quite rocky and not happy.

The majority of my RSD stems from shame and disrespect. If my wife comments on something that I’m ashamed of or that I was shamed for in the past my emotions tend to feel very very big and overwhelming. Sometimes that’s stuff she has shamed me for and minimizes or denigrates me for. Sometimes it’s from the past. I need to own my shit and work on healing the past and setting boundaries and being curious about my WHY’S.

Communication is key and oh so very hard. Slowing down and being curious is very important. One thing you might try is to say : “Honey, sweetie, etc, I see your pretty upset and I’d like to talk about it. Can you help me understand why X upset you?” And then listen. Don’t defend. Set good boundaries. If he name calls, yells, blames, etc. tell him you’d love to talk about it when he’s calmer. Use words like slow down.

Don’t walk on eggshells but don’t be a bull in a china shop either. A middle way is possible.

He will need to acknowledge the problem and his part in it. RSD and ADHD are real. He can’t help those. He CAN learn how to manage them so he’s not hurting you or others. It takes time, patience, and hard work. He’ll need to learn to hear hard things. It’s totally possible. It’s totally gut wrenchingly difficult.

A good therapist and a diagnosis are important. Meds have helped me. I’m on lithium and Welbutrin.

My wife doesn’t understand or empathize. She says she hates my mental issues and regrets marrying me because of them. What I said above is what would help me not what my experience is.

Take time. Bring the issue up. Set boundaries. Listen. Offer your perspective. These big emotions are hard to handle and I know mine leave me exhausted and discouraged. Acknowledge that.

Oh, make sure you take time for self care.! Your emotions, heart, soul need to be nourished as well.

[Jozlynn]

Hi Lilwonder,

I'm truly sorry that this is what you're living right now. While I completely and totally understand the impact both trauma and RSD have on people (I have both), the way he's dealing with it isn't acceptable. I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

To become enraged over something like wiping dirt off a plate he just washed is more than trauma and RSD. If you break it down, he's getting enraged by the fact that you're in any way implying that he - and what he does - is not perfect. NONE of us are!

My ex-husband was like this. If I didn't agree with something he came up with or did, and dared to suggest anything other than, "Yes, dear - that's an awesome idea" (didn't matter how kindly I worded it), he would get extremely angry and say that I made him feel stupid. Then he'd tell me to get out of the house until I "get my head on straight" - meaning, until I could come back and say he was right. We can't make someone else feel ANYTHING. How they receive - and react to - perceived criticism is an internal thing that only they can address.

It sounds like your husband is not taking personal accountability for his oversized reactions, and instead he seems to feel he a license to express that rage at you. Raging at someone comes from a sense of entitlement. People who rage at others who supposedly "make them feel" a certain way feel entitled to ignore the impact of that rage on you so that they can express their displeasure. That's abusive. I know that's a really touchy word, but it is both verbal and emotional abuse to create an atmosphere of walking on eggshells through rage and anger. The rage is a means of intimidation. Why does he have the right to get angry that you interrupted him? Is his reaction truly proportionate to the "crime"? If he interrupted you, do you have the right to rage at him for it - or are you not allowed to express that because it'll set him off? Why does he automatically assume bad intentions and personal slights in what you do? He needs to get help to truly look at his own thoughts and actions, and take personal accountability for them. If he doesn't, nothing will change and this could get worse. Instead, it sounds like he's going to intimidate you into seeing things his way by being emotionally intimidating. Rage is absolutely intimidating. We are absolutely accountable for the actions we take when we're feeling anger/rage. Being angry or upset doesn't justify mistreating another person.

Walking on eggshells is not a marriage. Not that I'm encouraging you to get out of your marriage, because that's something only you can know if you need to do, but like wftadhd mentioned, I strongly encourage you to take a deeper look into what your personal boundaries are. Boundaries are what WE will and will not allow in our own lives, not things we expect others to do. You can never control other people's actions or words, but you CAN draw a line in the sand and say 'I will not tolerate being treated this way' - and mean it.

In my story, the very last time I was told to get out until I had my head on straight, I didn't come back. Someone pointed out to me the incredible manipulation going on to essentially force me to bow to what my ex-husband said/did/wanted - regardless of what I wanted, and they told me that I didn't have to tolerate being treated that way. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it as manipulation before, but it was. I loved him and fought for our marriage for probably 10 of our 13 years of marriage. Walking away was incredibly hard, but I realized that I had lost my sense of self and lived solely to keep my ex happy so he wouldn't react. Again, that's just not a marriage - which is meant to be an equal partnership.

If you aren't already, I strongly encourage individual counseling. If he's willing, couples therapy would be awesome and could potentially really help (as long as he's open to changing), but you need someone to talk to personally who can help you see things from a perspective from outside of your relationship. You're in an incredibly difficult spot right now and my heart goes out to you.

[Thunbergia45]

hi lilwonder, It’s not often I post but as I am going through something to do with reactivity myself, I thought I’d share.

For me, the biggest wow moment of my current chapter of challenge is that our emotional experience is not wrong or broken. A lot of times it’s linked to a multitude of triggers which are often separate from where the emotions are being expressed.

For me, these emotions, if I listen to them, start in my body. Due to trauma and probably life’s busyness I’ve pushed through, ignored, disassociated, self medicated. It’s nearly half a century of doing this that I now believe has led to what others might interpret as overreacting. In fact, the reaction is completely about a need which actually exists and requires validation.

If I function from this space I’m finding a couple of things. Firstly, I don’t feel so ashamed. Secondly, I’m seeing a change in the way the flow of communication goes from there. Boundaries as one of the other friends in this group has suggested, are important. They are nearly impossible to identify and establish if you don’t work from the needs outward.

I wish you luck and good will through this process for both you and your partner. You obviously care for them and have a healthy self respect- that’s beautiful.