Gutted and alone

[Stressedandstriving]

I found CHADD at 3am this morning and decided to post here as a bit of therapy to a group that may just "get it".

I'm as low as I've ever been. I love my children fiercely but motherhood is uncomfortable sometimes, to say the least.

My 13yo son was diagnosed 5 years ago with ADD. He's also tested as gifted, and that's where this starts to get complicated. We have him enrolled in a highly ranked private academic school and once we became aware of his behavioral challenges in school, he started taking Focalin and things got better. Academically he's a straight A student, 2 grades above in math. It sounds perfect on paper, but ADD is a monster lurking over his future and my heart is breaking at the moment.

My son has a hard time getting work turned in, one of his teachers called him lazy just this past month, and he has zero friends because he's not like they are. These kids are driven, focused, and herded by equally driven parents following a prescribed recipe for future success. Great school = tier 1 college = bragging rights and financial success for Jr. - something we don't push or necessarily subscribe to. We have him at this school because they can keep up with him academically.

He loves science, and decided last year to join a competitive science team where kids are partnered together to answer a 50 minute test on various science subjects. My son has the intellectual mind for this and he loves it. He did well last year (3rd place at regionals with his partners), but the teams have gotten better this year. The school is gunning for a national title, and the rest of the kids don't want to work with my son because he has a hard time focusing and mimicking their stamina. The other kids don't understand his behavior, and they don't trust him as a member of their team. To the point that parents on the team my son did well on last year went to the head of the program and asked my son to be removed as their son's partner. On paper everything is great. In reality, he's struggling a lot.

It's horrifically gutting when your kid can't do what other kids can. It's more gut wrenching to see him be so ostracized. He has no friends. It doesn't bother him, so it shouldn't bother me, (that's what they say). But the fact that my son is bright is meaningless if the world doesn't accept him. I am terrified that I have a spectacularly sweet, kind, intelligent kid who is going to be completely overlooked. There is so much fear here, and anger, on my behalf (he's fine because I am very careful to let him lead and try not to pressure him). I am a problem solver, and I am beside myself trying to figure out the answer to what I fear is an unsolvable puzzle. I love my kid and I see his gifts, and I have no idea how to help him navigate a world that moves around him differently.

Can anyone even remotely relate to this? I feel so alone.

[ADHDmothers]

Can definitely relate. Resonates with what I'm experiencing with my 13th year old boy

[Stressedandstriving in reply to ADHDmothers]

How are you coping? Do you consider a different school? Home schooling? Therapy? Or like us, just get through it as best you can and try to keep his self worth and self esteem intact?

[ADHDmothers in reply to Stressedandstriving]

I'm extremely proactive:

I'm a single mother of three. My two younger ones have ADHD, and are in different school districts.

I requested a psychoeducational evaluation in writing.

I read the long parent rights in detail, highlighted important rights, wrote notes, and wrote questions.

Follow up with requests in writing.

I have my son go to a community learning center after school Monday through Friday, where the offer tutoring. I make sure they know he has ADHD so that they are more patient and help redirect him when needed.

I scheduled individual therapy for him through my medical insurance carrier. Initially the medical provider only wanted to schedule sessions every 4 weeks. I spoke to management and now schedule every 2 weeks.

Didn't sign the IEP until we addressed items I am concerned with, which took 3 meetings.

I'm working with the school psychologist and school counselor.

He is missing a lot of assignments and it is almost the end of the semester. So I'm planning to shadow him, if the school let's me, even if it's embarrassing. Because keeps forgetting missing assignment worksheets at school or at the learning center. If they don't let me, I'll have to meet with the counselor or school psychologist to help me get new copies of all missing assignments and sit down with him at home in increments of 25 minutes to get these assessments done.

I also began reading this book: The mini ADHD COACH: Tools and Support to Make Life Easier- A Visual Guide by Alice Gendron

Otherwise daily prayer for him, his friends, and for myself to have patience.

[Stressedandstriving]

You are a super mom!! This is amazing!!! Yes those missing assignments sound familiar. Well if you can keep it together doing all that, I can surely keep my sanity while I walk a similar walk. Thank you for sharing. This helps to know there is a whole group of kids and parents dealing with the same thing!

[insideoutbutterfly]

I hear you and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Wow, just want to stand in this moment of community. It feels so good to know that other moms share my fears that I so often beat myself up for having. There have been so my times that I broken down in tears while in the shower wondering how I will stand strong in the challenges of advocating for our daughter. Lately I have been giving myself permission to say this stuff is hard and sometimes I won't get it right. The fact is I probably dont get things right most of the time, but thats ok, for now. Keep up the hard work and remember we stand with you, the parents of ADHD children.

I will share that once we pulled our daughter out of school and homeschooled things got better. We were terrified to homeschool but I met a mom at our daughters swim team practice who started homeschooling her daughter who had adhd and convinced us that we could do it. We did this with the support of an educational therapist.

[Mamamichl]

I can relate to this. I was a student that did super well but because I had bad home life, I thought that’s why I was overlooked. It took me until 38 to be diagnosed, and until then I didn’t fully understand why I was denied the ability to become a teacher. Ilooked great on paper, but I have been always struggling when it comes to my social and professional life.

[CorieS]

Yes, you are not alone. Your son is what they refer to as twice exceptional. ADD with high intelligence. If you Google that term you should find a website/info about it.Have you thought about removing him from the school he's in and instead putting him in the gifted program of your public school? It homeschool? Many gifted ADD kids do well in smaller settings. It really is unnerving that parents are requesting their children to not work with a particular child. That isn't teaching their child anything but intolerance.

[Pema20]

scrolling CHADD chat room at 3 AM wondering what to do for my kid, been there. My daughter is not as gifted as your son, but she is in a high achieving public high school and was doing advanced classes. She is social and has friends so her situation is not exactly like your son’s, but she has really struggled with social relationships. I guess all I can say is it sounds like you have an amazing kid and in those times when you feel like things aren’t going well or you’re pained for your kid, try to remember that there are options. When you’re ready, you can talk to your son and see what he wants. Changing schools may be An option, or perhaps he does advanced programs outside of school. My daughter plays soccer, but found the social pressure of the school team too much, so she plays on a club team. I do think finding a place where he is appreciated is important. Maybe explore some options together. If he is as bright as you describe, he will excel no matter what college he goes to, remember that. Finally, someone just recommended the book , “Shut up about your perfect kid.” Might be a fun read if nothing else. Hang in there!

[Shamasamdrew]

Another reply mentioned it, but I will as well. Your child is twice exceptional (gifted and ADHD). My son fits that profile as well. My son is older than yours as he will be 18 in a couple of months. He does have some friends now, and although not perfect, things are better than they have ever been socially.

Social coaching from either a licensed speech language pathologist or social worker who is familiar with twice exceptional kids helps considerably. Our kids have a hard time seeing the perspective of others and they need social expectations explained to them in a way that others get just from observing the unwritten rules of social exchanges.

ADHD Dude is a wonderful resource to help these kids understand how to interact socially so they can be more widely accepted. I would also seek activities outside of his school that fit his interests to find like minded kids who will hopefully be more accepting of him.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The social difficulties and their ramifications that come from these conditions are the most heart wrenching to observe as a parent. There is hope though. My son is finding friendships easier now. I want you to know that from someone who could have written your post a few years ago herself.

[Stressedandstriving in reply to Shamasamdrew]

This post helps more than you know! If only I had that 5 year crystal ball - this parenting gig is not for the faint hearted. :). I will check into social coaching and ADHD dude!

[MaudQ]

What does your son want? Does he enjoy the school? Is he excited about going to a competitive college? A super intense high school should be at least a little bit fun: otherwise it’s just boot camp. I’d sit down and talk to him and also let him know what his options are. He may say that he doesn’t want friends but I’d dig into that a bit more. Other schools might have a wider variety of kids - or at least different kids. If he’s happy with the school, you still have some things to try: I’d give the talk therapy and IEP a semester to see if they make a difference. FYI: a private school isn’t required to follow an IEP, for them it will function as guidelines. You might also want to work with your son’s psychiatrist to see if he’s on the right medication. And you could try hiring an executive functioning tutor. I would take some time to think about shadowing your child at school. Aside from impacting his relationship with his peers it could also impact his sense of autonomy and agency. Your son’s new therapist might be able to provide guidance. If your son’s school has a school counselor, they could also weigh in. It also sounds like this school needs a lot of educating on neurodiversity, ableism and tolerance. A public school is required, at least on paper, to educate all children - private schools can do whatever they want (essentially). You might want to take a step back and think whether this is a battle you and your son want to take on. If he really loves the school, maybe it’s worth it to both of you. But if there are other options that take some of the weight off your shoulders, it might be worth it for your mental health and your relationship. He sounds like a great guy - it’s ok to prioritize your family’s happiness. If the school isn’t on board, some of this might be about practicing acceptance. You don’t want your kid to be like everyone else: part of his genius stems from his neurodiversity. Don’t let them take that away from him.

[MaudQ in reply to MaudQ]

Oh, one more idea. Maybe instead of the school science team, he could do an extracurricular outside the school. Like at a local college or camp. Sometimes making friends outside of school can turn the whole thing around.

[FitsInNoBox]

Just more solidarity - my 12-year-old son was removed from a gifted program at school because the director didn't want to deal with his quirks. (His grades were fine) We aren't at that school anymore and all is well, but it was a low point for all of us. I love all of the advice given here and I hope you find the path forward that works for your family!

[Abracadabra22]

Your post is the reason I joined the chat. I was sitting here doing research because my 6 year old daughter who is just so smart and can be so sweet but trying at times was just recently diagnosed with ADHD. That being said, we mentally knew for years but just needed to catch up emotionally.

She lacks social skills and has difficulty with other children because she is not like they are. She is very energetic and for lack of a better term, domineering, causing others to deem her as "bossy."

Today when I picked her up from school, I get the frustration, but hearing from an adult how the other kids have had it with her when she already has a hard time with her peers broke my heart and I too felt alone or rather like my child was being shunned. She doesn't have a hard time making friends, its the keeping them that's the problem.

Your son sounds wonderful and it is a shame how those parents are breeding intolerance. You're doing a great job just by your son knowing you're in his corner and maybe that's all we can really do as parents, be the missing piece to hold the puzzle together.

There's a poem called Welcome to Holland. It's about having a child with a disability. Parenting is the hardest job ever but sometimes we all need a reminder that even though "this" is not what we had expected, it's still pretty amazing. You are not alone and thank you for reminding me neither am I.