My 6-year-old son was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago. Because of his age, we tried PCIT behavior therapy and while we saw some mild improvements there was no real change.
I have homeschooled my son since he was 3. It started off as preschool working on language development in conjunction with his speech therapy. He graduated from speech therapy quickly, and we just kept up with the homeschooling. He has always been an active child with specific tendencies and very very friendly with other people.
Last year in Kindergarten, the hyperactivity as well as behavioral issues due to impulsivity became the tipping point for us to get him tested. The stress on us as parents to maintain normalcy was so much I had to get medicated for anxiety over the issues.
While I loved homeschooling my son, seeing him advance to the point of being 1-2 years ahead of his peers in all subjects, my husband and I felt it was worth a try for public school to see how he liked he environment and if the structure and being around other kids would be of benefit to him. (I feel it is important to note here that he is an only child.)
We are 5 actual school days into the school year and I am STRESSED. He has had a lot of impulsivity and behavior issues at school. We've had to stay after to talk to the teacher more than once already. He won't stay in his seat, he struggles to keep his hands to himself, he refuses to do schoolwork sometimes, and has been found wandering the halls instead of going to the restroom. These are just some of the issues that his teacher has noted already.
I am at a loss for what to do here. We had a parent-teacher conference where his teacher discussed implementing extra reward systems for him to try and mold his behavior and self-regulation, bouncy straps for his chair to keep his "wiggles" down, and maybe prevent the need to touch other people. We have recommended an evaluation for 504 accommodations.
The part I struggle with is that he isn't learning academically anything. I am learning a lot about ADHD in this process and things that I could do differently or could've done differently in homeschooling to address some things. But they are on their second week of school and he is getting so down about always getting in trouble, feeling like an outcast from his classmates that don't want to be around him because of his impulsivity and "bad" label, and being in such structured environment. He had developed anxiety over the last few days about new places, and new people- to the point where he cowers behind me in public groups. This kid used to strike up a conversation with people on the street corners of NYC while we waited to cross the street. I am genuinely concerned about what this is doing to his mental health- but also I know he needs to learn to function in these types of environments with set rules and schedules, learn social skills and boundaries, etc. But is that benefit going to outweigh the costs? Is it possible for the school to be the teacher of these things for an ADHD kid or is this more a therapy thing that needs to take place since it's a process that doesn't naturally occur in his brain?
I feel all of this attention is on his behavior- which I completely understand- but I don't want his behavior getting all of the attention and his giftedness to be put on the back burner for a year. These kids are reviewing the numbers 1-20 this week- he was skip counting to 1000 and doing 3-digit addition with no carrying the week before I sent him into the classroom. I don't want all that hard work lost- but I also don't want to bring him home for schooling if it is truly best to leave him for the social skills.
Help me process this completely crippling decision-making process of what is best for my son- social skills, his mental health and self-worth, and his academic achievements.
Thank you so much for any insight and help.
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It sounds like he is in a supportive school. Has he had an OT evaluation? Therapy may be helpful in sorting out some of these school issues and resulting anxiety. Mine benefitted from shortened school day for a while, and maybe your school can accommodate your son in this way also.
Does he snore loudly or have gasps or pauses/stop breathing when he sleeps? Obstructive sleep apnea and other causes of poor sleep in kids can look like hyperactivity rather than daytime sleepiness. Did the speech therapist he saw feel he had merely a standard speech delay, or did they feel he had any delays in his social skills/social communication, if you happen to know? Has anyone ever had concerns for possible autism, or just ADHD? Do either you or dad have a history of ADHD, and what are your opinions about trying medication? I’m asking because he has already had a trial of behavioral therapy and is still struggling. Admittedly, he was in a very structured setting with 1:1 attention (homeschooling). It’s really hard even considering trying medication and it’s every parent’s last choice. However, some kids really become unhappy or their self esteem drops as they get repeated requests to change their behavior. (Been there, done that with our son!!!! It’s so hard watching your child struggle and feels so unfair). Big hugs to you and your precious boy.
Technically for us, medication is not our last choice. My partner has been on them for years and I’m starting now because I’m also recently diagnosed. We have been trying my daughter on her first med. the meds really have helped me in not feeling like a buzzing bee and needing to be on the go all of the time. It’s helped me learn to sit and just breathe, and I want my kid to feel that at a younger age so she can process those social skills that I could not because of my brain. It’s her per pressure doesn’t seem to be affecting her self esteem, but she does have perfectionism as many kids with adhd do, which is hard not to affect her mental health (just having adhd does).
I completely agree. I actually feel it should be a very early choice for kids with significant symptoms at a young age. I meant that most parents want to try behavioral therapy first and end up doing medication when behavioral therapy isn’t enough for their specific child. I definitely wish our son hadn’t suffered for 1+ years getting minimal results from it before trying medication. There are some kids who can’t sit still long enough to benefit from behavior therapy (lol—-at least, I have 1 in my household!). It’s definitely a process, though, to come to terms with starting your young child on a medication for a neurodevelopmental disorder. My husband and I really grieved the loss of what we expected for our son.
This is where we are! I feel like the meds will help him take in and process the therapies and skills we are trying to teach him. If his brain can’t pause long enough to be taught the skills or pause long enough in the moment to apply them throughout the day- then he can’t benefit from those things at all.
Yes, this is correct. I can also say since you sound like you are.going to do a trial. Just know they if you chose a stimulant medicine you should know very soon if it is helping him. For us it was remarkable how much it stopped 60% of his symptoms. We did not see any negative symptoms. We are very thankful the medication stopped his negative symptoms.
There has never been concerns of a social delay that I’m aware of. I do believe he was screened for autism in the same process of evaluation for ADHD and other co-existing conditions. He was speech delayed- and once he started talking he was fine. His speech therapist said he was a perfectionist- and until he was confident he could say the word/sound correctly- he just wouldn’t say it at all. Which makes a lot of since because he is a very particular kid in a lot of areas of his life.
We do have an appointment to see his pediatrician and we are happy to consider medication if that’s what’s best for him. We have been doing a lot of reading and research to educate ourselves on meds and read through the myths and stigmas that society has put out there.
My other input, FWIW: I am 50, have always done well academically, and was diagnosed at 50 with combined type ADHD. As I look back at my life prior to understanding this, I now realize I suffered tremendously as I worked harder than others to stay afloat as the school workload, time management, planning expectations, etc increased. Unfortunately, many people think outward behaviors are kids deliberately being jerks or parents not disciplining enough. These poor kids have weak skills in executive functioning and desperately need positive feedback for ANYTHING they do right. I can’t overstate how damaging it is to your self esteem to hear “stop talking, be quiet” or “sit still, leave me alone” etc 10 times more than “”great job doing that worksheet and having a calm body and inside talking voice.” Hugs to you. You have already won as a parent by even considering something is going on , seeking input from professionals, and working to understand your son. Major kudos to you!!! He will thank you someday, I guarantee it.
You brought me back to my school years. Although I did well in school, I would do my homework 5 hours a day so I could get the grades I did. I saw other kids get good grades but they said it was easy and i wondered how they had it so easy. I knew something was wrong with me, but thought it was just the messed up home I grew up in. School was my sanctuary. I wasn’t diagnosed until 38, and seeing the same in my 9yo is having me help her get the medication along side me.
The research says you need 3 compliments to every negative comment. I make sure my kid hears them as much as possible. It’s hard because like me, the negatives stick out more. I know self esteem is bad with adhd many times, and it’s hard to combat it, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. I’m trying so hard that I’m having to create boundaries with my parents because of their toxicity and I don’t want my kids affected by that.
It’s hard to be a parent and know what really to do. He does need to learn social skills, but school is not the only way. If you do pull him out, please make sure he had extracurricular activities so he can make friends and navigate social situations. Sometimes academics need to go on back burner for social skills to be focused on, but how much depends on the parent. And, in my opinion, mental health should not be affected but sometimes kids need to be corrected socially and as a kid with adhd, it is taken as a personal attack and does.
My stepkid is starting high school this year, and kindergarten and first were hard to sat the least spring break first grade they went into special education classroom then transitioned back in 5th grade to mainstream. It gave them many coping skills for their adhd and they are thriving. In k1 they literally caused room clears on a weekly basis because school consequences were not good for the impulsivity.
I did see a change in their outgoing personality because of the social constraints of public education. It will be the same if in private school, as I have worked in that industry as well. Online learning does not have the social constraints and will help academically in your situation, as I have seen it with my friends kids who have asd… but that is at the expense of learning social skills.
Kids need to be challenged academically, socially as well as mentally so they can learn perseverance. However, if we push too hard, it can make things worse not better. I’ve worked in special education for years and seen many situations where kids thrive and others where they falter. Feel free to pm me if you want to go more in depth.
It’s great that the teacher is willing to work with you. I would pursue the 504 and get breaks, the wiggly seat - all of it written down. The 504 should include measureable goals and state how and when those goals are to be achieved. CHADD, ADDitude magazine and your department of ed will have resources. You might also want to start looking into whether you want an IEP down the line.
I highly recommend OT as well. You don’t say if you’ve looked at medication, but that can be a game changer. If your son is really so far ahead of the other kids academically it could be an issue. Have they done any academic testing yet at school? They will most likely do their own testing for the 504. If not, or if you want to supplement or dispute the schools findings, you can have him tested independently - a full neuropsych will address academic and cognitive capacity as well as mental health issues.
If your kid is academically advanced, he might be able to do some enhanced programming (maybe not in kindergarten) or you might have some choices in your school district other than your neighborhood school. That said, I’m not sure how much learning is to be expected by the 2nd week of kindergarten. The teacher is likely focusing on relationship building and getting to know the children and understanding what level they are at.
You are good to be taking care of yourself and your own anxiety. Therapy for the parents and parent coaching are so helpful.
As expected (for men same conditions he has), school exacerbated my son’s issues and brought new ones to light. He was expelled from two preschools, back to back.
Because of the pressure to offer him social skills, and my wife’s concerns, we kept him in school, but enrolled him in a new special services program in our public school system that he doesn’t enjoy as much, but at least they are “trained“ for “Special needs (regrettably their techniques are reliant on ABA and time-outs, which I don’t see being especially good for him. And, unfortunately, our teacher had no experience prior to this year.
In the few months that he was in that program, he had several incidents, but perhaps fewer, thanks to smaller classroom size and perhaps using an IEP. I’m going to keep my eye on things, but then, if problems continue to stay the same or get even worse, I am going to be more adamant about pulling him out and unschooling or world schooling him. He learns best with less interference and with my support.
Our son is slightly older than yours and has some similarities. Ultimately medication, maturity as he has gotten a bit older and, to a much lesser extent, some minor classroom supports and services received through his IEP are what made the difference and helped him flourish. He is entering 2nd grade and is very happy at his public school, though it took a while for him to get to that point.
It is great that your son is likely gifted, but unfortunately what he needs most to be able to succeed in a school environment is to be able to follow the standards of the classroom. If I were you I would also pursue the IEP process. I am not familiar with the NYC process (we left NYC during the pandemic) but an IEP got us far more services for our son than we would have gotten otherwise.
As far as his academics, it's inevitable that he is not going to get enough enrichment from the classroom alone. That's true of our son as well. Fortunately, being in NYC there is absolutely no shortage of incredible activities, both for gifted kids and not. Just off the top of my head, tons of programs at MoMath and AMNH, there are tons of other gifted resources (plus of course G&T, though those aren't really "gifted" programs per se). I have plenty of experience with the process having been through gifted education (for myself as a kid and for my son), as well as having briefly worked in the space.
Also don't be too hard on yourself - you're only 5 days in and there is always an adjustment process to a new school, even more so for a kid who has never been to one and has ADHD. Though I'm curious what public school you're going to that has started already if you're in NYC (doesn't school start in two weeks)? Charter school?
Last year, our older son on an IEP was in a co-teaching class (with two teachers and a couple of other staff in for part of the day), had pull-out OT sessions, and was in a pull-out social skills group, and had in-class supports including extra time and being allowed to use sensory items if needed. Some of those things are being dropped for this year as his in-school behavior has improved.
We don’t live there. We have just been many many times. It’s one of his favorite places. I was merely showing the difference of him be SO comfortable- even his happiest- in a city of millions of strangers that he was okay talking with… to cowering in a group of about 30 strangers that are of similarity to us (military families and their kids).
Your son and story remind me so much of my daughter and our experiences. We got a 504 plan in place and tried various behavioral interventions for about 1.5 years after her ADHD diagnosis at age 6. But when the stress continued for all of us, getting worse in third grade, we finally started her on medication (generic Focalin). The difference was almost immediate, and she doesn't need any 504 accommodations anymore (we're keeping the plan in place in case she needs them later). Plus she feels better about herself because she's not getting in trouble any more. I can drop her off at school and summer camp without worrying about what might happen. She can be her bright, charming, social, and creative self without constant battles! I know it's not right for everyone, but I'm so grateful we finally decided to give the medication a try and that it was so helpful for her.
Kudos to you Sounds like he is really advanced in his learning. Did the school evaluate him for placement? The 504 sounds great but has anyone discussed an IEP? My kids IEP allowed them to have 5 minute learning sessions then 2 minutes of activity. Worked well for his teachers. I would push for both a 504 and an IEP. Anything to help him succeed in school. My kids took meds during the school year and it did help with focusing at least until learning to push themselves to focus.
I am definitely going to see if we can get a brain break schedule as part of his 504 or IEP. It worked well in homeschool for us. It just finding that fine line between assisting him while still giving him the ability of learning to focus on his own.
We are definitely considering medication- just waiting for our appointment to arrive.
Thank you for joining the group and posting your situation. I have been thinking about your message for a while. I am sorry you are in this delimina.
The picture you painted appear to be 2 extremes and I wanted to know if you had considered other educational options..
For example: some public schools have different learning environments (Montessori, Charter, Waldorf, etc..) do you know if your sons school district had these?
On the flip side... there are many options for home school programs that are not 1 on 1 and you.
Some homeschooling programs rent space and have people (ask if the teachers are credentialed and or have experience with kids who have ADHD) teach certain subjects and you can have him go for 2 or 3 different subjects. From what I know these are smaller classes and can be shaped around your child's learning pace- maybe more accerated in math, for example).
My background and experience is in CA. And it may not be the same in other states.
Of course each educational program has pros and cons.
Pull him and keep him at home. My 9 year old has severe ADHD and sounds alot like your son. We homeschooled and sent him to Kindergarten bc my husband thought it was best. We pulled him 3rd semester and he's been home ever since. In my personal opinion, public school is not the place for these boys. Yours sounds 2E like mine. Combine bored bc he knows it all already with the constant stimulation seeking brain of an ADHD and imagine how he feels.
My son was defeated and felt horrible about himself and also began to withdraw. He was the bad kid for talking too much and things that really weren't a huge deal. He's in 4th grade now and thriving. He's gotten a personalized education where he doesn't feel like shit about himself every day. I can tell when his meds need adjusted etc.
Look around for co ops and various groups to join. My kids take classes at a program where I teach so that they can learn to sit still, raise their hand, etc. The nice thing is you can choose how many hours, it's not ALL day long. There are a ton of social and academic options outside the home for most homeschooling families if you look around. We also do drum lessons, football, baseball, chess club, and have playdates 4 days a week. Youth group and church as well. My son had zero friends and was invited to zero parties in Kindergarten.
He was invited to 13 parties the second half of last year alone and had 18 boys attend his 9th birthday party. Boys who choose to be his friend. Boys who actually like him and many of them are a year or two older/younger. Homeschool gives him so many opportunities that school just doesn't. I think special needs kids just end up with PTSD and very poor self esteem upon entering the system.
And I second the Focalin. Mine takes Focalin and Intuniv. These kids should not be denied the right to trial medication it is LIFE ALTERING. You just don't understand how much it will change his life until you let him try it. Mine was 8 and he said over and over again...this is the best day of my life. He's still behind a little on emotional reactivity but we're working on that. He gets nearly 100% on all his work etc.
The medication takes away his sensory issues, anxiety, depression like symptoms, and his ADHD symptoms. It even helps him with sports. We have also done OT and CBT. He's currently starting DBT. If you have insurance that will pay for it, get it outside of the school system, it's sooo much better privately.
I feel for your frustration and desperation*so* much! I have ADHD myself, and four kids between 12 and 4. My 12yo son and 7yo son have been diagnosed and my 9yo daughter I think is borderline but smart enough to get by without problems.
Your struggles sound like a combination of my two sons. I nearly homeschooled my oldest and sometimes I still wonder if it would be best for him, but I know my weaknesses and our personalities and I know we'd not be very successful. He's a Highly Sensitive Person who is quirky and extremely intelligent, and very strong-willed.
He's struggled to stay on task and inside his classrooms and complete work, pretty much from the start of Kindergarten through 5th grade when we really started to find solutions that worked for him. Even so, he certainly didn't lack education! He met or excelled in all the expectations, he just wouldn't do the work or behave the way he was expected to. The right teachers and a 504 plan went a long way to help!!
The things that worked best for him have been behavior report cards with either smiley faces when he was younger or numbers when he was a bit older. The score aspect of them really appealed to his competitive spirit. Once we had a 504 plan worked out and in place his teachers knew what to expect and how to work with him, and he was involved in the process so he knew better where he needed to ask for extra help. That may be a future solution for your son.
But more than anything I'd like to comfort you and let you know that this is totally normal. Your son is adjusting to school for the first time. It's a huge thing for any kid, but especially for one who has a different way of interacting with the world. It's going to take weeks just to get used to the routine of school, let alone really assess if he's learning or falling behind.
You clearly have a very active engagement in your son's education. That's the biggest factor for kids' success. If you just keep supporting him and encouraging him to stick with it, you and he will be just fine.
I am so sorry this is such a stressful time. It is completely understandable with the big shift in your kid’s personality that you would be pretty stressed.
You son sounds like a bright and happy kid and he should stay that way. Keep in mind that his executive function – impulse control, outbursts, etc – are 30% behind his age so his emotional gate keeper is only about 4 years old as is his impulse ‘controler’.
Because he is bright you will have to remind yourself of this lag in executive function from here until college because it has such an impact on their social experience and time management as they get older. You are staring at your teenager wondering why they can’t do the dishes or put their towel away after a shower. Their gate keepers are weaker than their age.
There has been some great advice here. I have to say I am biased toward protecting the emotional wellbeing of the kid over making sure they fit in the social box of school. That said, it may be worth trying medications – they are the some of the safest meds around and they help 80 – 85% of folks with ADHD. So if one doesn’t work keep trying. Generally the medications can curb the outward symptoms and make school much more manageable.
If he is bright then definitely get him tested and get the academic support he needs. Bored doesn’t sit well (all puns intended) with the ADHD kid. So if he needs academic stimulation that can also help.
Exercise is huge in upping the dopamine and creates great habits for life. Cardio several times per week has been found to have a big impact on symptoms of ADHD. The other non-medication activity that packs a wallop is meditation. It may sound premature to get your wiggly 6 year old to sit still for an extended period of time but you can start with really short sessions and there are moving sessions too like counting your steps up to 10 and then starting over again. If you can give him the gift of taking just a few moments for himself – and give yourself the gift too! – that would be amazing. It truly changes how the brain is wired and the earlier you start the more positive impact you can have.
I highly recommend meditation for the whole fam damily. The science is piling up about how much of a positive impact it can have. Simple short meditations or mindfulness activities can do the trick.
With the Executive Function Gap in mind, and if it is an option, it may be worth keeping him homeschooled until his executive function has matured a bit. He can hone his skills at home and have extracurricular activities where he is moving his body where he can learn social skills – team sports.
I also recommend talking to him about his different wiring, if you haven’t already. He needs to know that he sees the world differently than the rest of us and that’s OK. With that knowledge, he can practice patience with others and be easier on himself. Knowing his is wired differently (and that’s more than ok) exercise and mindfulness he will be unstoppable and hugely successful at whatever he puts his mind to.
Keep up the great work of learning all you can about ADHD for yourself and your child. Check out information on later diagnosed women – it manifests so much differently in women – so you can increase knowledge about yourself and your history. It can explain so much of the “character flaws” you thought you had.
Good luck with everything, your kid is lucky to have such and open minded, eager learning mom.
BLC89
Full disclosure I am an ADHD parent coach and have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids with ADHD.
I feel every bit of your post! I feel like I am in the exact same position. My son made the cut off to attend kindergarten last year, we live in an exceptionally small town. There were four 1st graders and 2 kindergartens in his class last year, so I thought he would have plenty of support in the classroom. The first few months were OK, than it went down hill fast. We stuck it out to get as much help, testing, and diagnostics done as possible because there is 2 year wait if we tried to get it all done on our own. A few weeks before the end of the year we received an IEP. Results were that they only focused on that he learn to behave and they had zero interest in supporting his academics. Not only did he finish the school year extremely behind in reading and writing he lost interest in his favorite subject because of the constant redirecting and shaming of behavior he received. We are healing through homeschooling this year and I have already seen immense progress. Please msg me I would love to connect with you more on this
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