My heart was broken last night and I can't concentrate on my day today.
My 6 year old son made it very clear to us last night that he dreads the end of the weekend because he is so lonely at school, specifically on the playground during unstructured time. He's pretty straight forward with us that he just wants one friend and doesn't think he'll ever have a friend to play with on the playground. He thinks he's less important than other kids and that none of the kids like him. I don't think he's entirely wrong about that last point. I've seen it. Even this morning, I noticed another kid ignoring him when he tried to talk with him.
There was a little blessing before my son was diagnosed, and started medication and therapy. He was oblivious. I saw the same reactions to him by kids but he didn't notice. Now that he's slowed down and is paying attention, he is noticing other kids reactions to him and it's impacting his self-esteem. He doesn't know why they react to him the way that they do, sometimes even violently or in a scary way. Pretty much everything that adults find charming in my son, the kids don't like. And adults (including his principal) stop me often to tell me what a charmer he is. My son doesn't even want to try to make friends anymore.
His father and I continue to be committed to giving him the tools that he needs, including social skills training and opportunities to practice those skills. So far, it's not making a difference. In fact, the situation has gotten worse in that he's less optimistic and less willing to try. Our pre-medicated bouncy, happy, excited kid now feels "different," and has become shy, inhibited and afraid that other kids will laugh at him. We've tried to encourage him to keep trying and to wait, but last night he reported that he "just can't wait one more day" for a friend.
I'm trying to schedule a meeting with his teacher to discuss, though I'm not sure what she can do about it. It seems like torture to turn a kid loose in a playground with a bunch of kids who hate him.
The medication has helped him to concentrate and dealt with the impulse control issues that were impacting his grades. He's a straight-E student now. I don't want to go back to the frustration that both he and his teachers felt when he was so disruptive and couldn't get his work done... but I miss my happy, enthusiastic child who loved life and just knew he could be anything!
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ScaredMommy2
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I am so sorry he is feeling this way. I am not sure if he has a 504 plan in school, but this is something that could be written in.
Is he doing any after school classes (sports, art, tumbing..etc) most of our network of friends have come from that. He does a team sport ( so he feels connected) and Individual sport. We also have close contact with these families.
We also often discuss his behavior in thearpy so he learns that his acting cause people to react a certain way.
This journey is heartbreaking, but I hope he can be taught how to have a friend and develop friendships.
That is so upsetting, for your son and I know for you as a mom to observe. I'm sorry for your frustration and grief regarding your son's loneliness. We were kids too so we know that pain. Be kind to yourself and to him, it sounds like you are to him. I am a big advocate on self-compassion. It helps in these times of struggle. I am in the process of getting my 6 yr old son assessed. I'm in the beginning phase. My son actually told me that he felt blamed by his teacher last year and that he hated himself so I tried to process those feelings with him and build him up. This KILLED me. Before bed, my husband and I would ask him what he liked about us and we'd all take turns saying supportive things to one another, you're kind because you shared with so and so, you're funny, your love of music, etc. . We would eventually all say something that we liked about ourselves. We did this for a while and it helped. This is also a book for kids one self-compassion that I just ordered. I'm getting it today and cannot wait to read it to my son. I want to pass it along because you and I know how hard this journey can be. Every little support to make it less challenging helps. The book is called, Listening with My Heart: A story of kindness and self-compassion. By Gabi Garcia (Author), Ying Hui Tan (Illustrator)
So sorry you are going through this... I know as a mom it is gut wrenching and heart shattering to see your child feeling lonely and unhappy. Have you tried enrolling him in an outside school activity such as tball or tennis. This may help him feel more confident when it comes to socializing and he’ll meet new people instead of being around the same kids who know him from school. Also consider talking to the school counselor and having her work with him and his classmates on social skills. Most kids at the age of 6 are still developing social skills and it can be a difficult time for many. Warm hugs and best wishes for your son and you ❤️
I was also going to suggest talking to the school counselor - ours does a variety of things to encourage friendships & social skills for kids who need some extra help.
And outside groups / activities as well (my son loves Scouts.) Perhaps even multi-aged things, as younger children tend to be more forgiving.
I’m so sorry you are seeing this! I’m actually a little surprised - usually other 6 year old boys are pretty forgiving / oblivious. They typically are not as advanced as girls in terms of social skills - I still even see traces of parallel play up til sometime in second grade. So hopefully with the right interventions, this can be taken care of while he’s still young!
I am so sorry he is feeling this way. And I fully understand the pain you're feeling. Yes, I agree with all the suggestions that have been give to you as to how to help the situation. Sometimes though, we have to walk through the pain, for there is no way to escape it. It is what it is, and we do what we can. It does get better, my daughter is now 9 years old, and she is better able to deal with, and accept her difficulty to make friends. And I work hard to help her understand her worth.
I once had an epiphany, My daughter is a swan. In the story of the ugly duckling, he is rejected because he is not like everyone else. But when he grows up everybody understands that the reason he was different it's because he was not a duck at all, but a swan. So I tell my daughter, yes you are different and people may not understand you, but that is because you're not a duck, and you will grow up to be a beautiful swan.
Seven year olds are at a time of such growing self-awareness. As heartbreaking as his statement was, remember too that without this awareness there would be little desire to learn the skills he needs. It’s both a blessing and a curse and it’s not related to being medicated, just maturity.
I really enjoyed the “My x year old” series of books by Louise Bates Ames as my son grew through elementary. The author studied hundreds of children to learn common issues, behaviors, and thought patterns of kids at every age—even by the half-year. I found it reassuring that as challenged as my son was in some areas, he was quite typical—if with a little more zest—in others. I think you may also find her work reassuring Some of her findings are freely published online.
There are many great recommendations above so I won’t repeat them. Can you ask his teacher what behaviors he engages in that puts other kids off? Can you observe him? Make sure you email his teacher your specific concerns. Email is important because it establishes a record of you expressing concern on a topic that needs to be addressed in his IEP. Consider asking for an IEP meeting. They can be held whenever a parent has new information effecting a child’s disability and effect on school, not just once a year. Do they have a lunch buddies program? What are they doing to facilitate his skills and friendships?
Lastly, some kids become more aggressive with amphetamine based stimulants compared to methylphenidate based ones. Do you see aggression as a problem? You could mention that to your prescriber if so. Medication sometimes needs fine-tuning—-the first try isn’t always perfect.
Hugs. You are doing so much for your little guy. Keep up the good fight. Remember to take care of yourself and your relationships too. You can’t stay optimistic and focused on the successes like your son needs you to be when you are in a bad place. Take time out for yourself.
My son is 8, at his school (and all schools in my town) "kindness" is the theme.They built bright blue "buddy" benches in all the elementary playgrounds with signs on them" Buddy Bench" so if someone needs a friend to play with they sit on the bench and kids literally run up and start playing with that child.It works I have seen it, also its totally encouraged by school all children involved are usually praised for its use...wow great job making friends guys....I liked what I saw out there!!! Just a suggestion maybe to bring up at school. I hope things get better.❤
I love this idea! I will talk to my granddaughter's teachers. She moved to a new school that has excellent teachers experienced in dealing with ADHD or other special needs students and the funding to support it. I'm going to ask them if they have anything like that because she has a hard time with kids because they don't understand her impulsiveness and occasional aggressiveness Thanks
Others have given you so much valuable advice so I won’t repeat it. You are doing a lot for your son. I’m hoping as you pursue things with your teacher and school, they can assist you further. I want to tell you that we have been down the same road as you and while his social situation is not perfect, it is getting better. The improvement came from the work we put in when he was younger and maturity. My son is 13 now and in the last year or so, I could really see some improvement. Just wanted you to know there is hope!
Before he was stable he may have exhibited behaviors that annoyed the other children. I know my daughter did when she was in school. I would get the teacher involved, ask her if she observes what he says is happening.
Sometimes situations are worse in their minds than what is actually happening. Right now is when the teacher needs to start teaching empathy before it gets worse in older grades. Rude behavior by other children is a form of bullying which is against federal guidelines.
That's a great point. My son at age 6 was not a very reliable source of information. If he was alone for 2 minutes at recess, that was the only part he told me. And he also misinterpreted many things as kids rejecting him that were really something else entirely. (rejection sensitivity is a hallmark trait of ADHD.) Talking to the teacher gave us a more balance perspective.
Great ideas, all! I'm meeting with the teacher tomorrow. I'm going to post separately for specific asks related to teaching empathy and inclusion, social skills, and friendships.
I feel for you and your son. My 8 year recently had his only friend in school pulled out to be homeschooled and the family cut ties with the outside world in the process. Overnight he lost his friend. Having that one friend always seemed like a safety net for my son and now the lonely recess period is painful for him, he even tries a buddy bench but no one comes to play. I think with age they will find more kids like them, that appreciate personalities that are not so typical. But the years between are rough so all I suggest to reminding them that we at home are constants for them, we can be best friends when they need someone to do something with, even though we are also first parents of course. Just tell him he is not alone - I tell
My son when I read something here that rings true to us and it makes him feel better knowing he’s not the only one.
Hi, I think all of us parents have gone through seeing changes in our child once they are medicated. Children can be cruel, even at a young age. I would recommend finding a sport he enjoys and having him participate 1-2 days/week. You can also search for support groups (CHADD) where parents bring their children out for social gatherings. How about introducing him to a new hobby with other kids - painting, music, drawing, crafting. Many of the craft stores have these type events. Offer to do a play date with a neighbor, church member or co-worker that has children his age.
There are so many ways to meet new friends. Don't be discouraged about the school situation. Find new ways to introduce him to new friends elsewhere.
It’s heartbreaking. My 11 year old easily makes friends but just as easily loses them. We moved to a new state 2 years ago and I was thrilled that there were so many boys in our neighborhood around the same age. He quickly made friends & summer was filled with kids going back & forth between houses, bikes sprawled in driveways. 2 years later, he’s lost these friends. A few kids aren’t even allowed by their parents to come over anymore with no explanation. We’re ostracized as a family. He can’t articulate what happened but we know he gets bossy & ODD when his meds wear off. He wears his emotions & this turns some kids off. He doesn’t understand why he lost friends but told me it hurts. He no longer asks to go play at friends houses. I’ve told him that true friends are forgiving and he’ll find true friends. He has one that moved away. He’s involved with sports & we keep him busy. This has helped a ton. I do think part of the problem is the community here. It’s cliquey & that means pettiness & politics. We’re likely going to move because life is too short.
Please share this email with his teacher and whoever else will listen at his school. Don’t give up hope. I feel your pain and have been there. It does get better. Unfortunately, we have to fight for our kids because teachers and administrators are either over whelmed or simply don’t understand. It’s amazing to me that ADHD is the number 1 mental illness in kids and there’s still very much a lack of understanding about it, especially at the high school level. So be prepared for that. I found the elementary and middle schools were much more willing to work with us. Wishing you the best of luck. I really feel for you and your son❤️
Why don’t you try to meet some of the parents and set up a play date or if he has a birthday coming up invite All the kids and parents to come? Is he shy? If he is then this could change it?
I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m also a Mom and I know how hard it is to see our children being unhappy. My son is an only child, he grew up having only one playmate-his Dad. Because of my husband’s job that required us to move to different locations, we didn’t do playdates. He was shy when he was growing up.
My son was six years old, when we decided to stay in one location so he could start kindergarten. I was concerned that he would not play with his classmates. His teacher told me that he was quiet and he would play with one person only. I didn’t want him to grow up isolated and alone so I decided to bring him to some activities outside school. Every weekend we have get together at our church, we attend so he could socialize with other kids. I hope you can find the best solution for your son. Try to speak with his teacher and know if he needs counselling. Please keep us posted.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. Praying for you.
Teacher meeting went well! I emailed the teacher to set up the meeting and told her what I wanted to talk about. She started, that day, asking kids to include him and they did willingly. He came home talking about all the fun he had and the kids included him spontaneously the next day.
The teacher told us that our son never told her that he was lonely or wanted someone to play with. Other students did tell her when they felt that way. The teacher assumed that our son preferred to play alone. We are going to continue to encourage him to let people know when he needs something and ask for help. We're thrilled by how forgiving the little people have been of his past scary behavior. I'm taking every opportunity to point out to him when other students say, "Good morning," and include him. I think he misses it.
Hi I have ADHD as does my eldest son now 24 yrs old.
He found playground socialising difficult too but had a cousin a year younger so he got through school because they were close and played together.
However my 10 year old son has Autism and he has had a really hard time at schools especially when he moved up to primary 5 and changed playgrounds where he didn't have his sister who is in the year below there to keep him right during breaks.
My heart aches every day when I drop him off as I like you hear how lonely and left out he feels at school.
I have now got a support worker through the HOMELINK service who works with the school and my famy out with school to help with any issues I need advice and help with.
They have a method which involves working specifically with children who attend the school and who all have difficulties with building peer relationships due to a number of different health or learning conditions or environment/home issues.
They call this the....
' Friendship Circle '...
and it involves working directly with the group and helping encourage group and pairing of kids whilst physically showing them games and activities they can do working together and help develop confidence and learning how to appreciate each others needs and how to help each other overcome self doubt and that compromise and tolerance is essential in friendships and relationships with others.
They alternate the pairing of different kids who are in different classes as well as keeping them with classmates.
Allowing the kids to be feel confident to approach those not In same class so if their classmates were absent from school at any time they are not back to feeling alone or isolated.
I must be honest my son didn't stay active within the friendship circle for the whole duration it was run for as luckily another little boy joined his.class mid term who so has autism and they both seem to have just clicked and spent break and lunch times happily together.
I don't know if you have any Homelink type services available to you but if not maybe you could suggest some type of 'friendship circle' activity being introduced at your sons school.
I do still have problems with my son regarding him feeling lonely and yearning for a friend of his own for when be isn't at school on weekends and schools holidays especially now his sister is becoming more independent and attends dance classes so isn't around the house as often as he is used to her being.
It makes me angry that he attends mainstream school yet there doesn't seem to be any attention or time given to specific issues such as unstructured time and building relationships with his peers out with the classroom.
Its one thing saying let's integrate kids with Autism and ADHD who are high functioning into mainstream education, however so much more needs to be done in preparing and training mainstream school staff in how to work with our kids to ensure the best support is given to enable them to grow into independent and confident teenagers and young adults.
Many a night I end up cuddled up in bed with my son sobbing his heart out and only hole he knows that I love him unconditionally and pray this is enough to get him through the.challenges he faces.
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