Hello, I am at the end of my rope and clueless about what to do. My 17 son with ADHD has been on a downhill ride for 2 years and is ruining any possibility of a life for himself. He sees a counselor regularly but it does not seem to be helping.
He is due to graduate from high school in 2 months, is failing 2 classes, has been suspended 3 times for having a vape in school Monday he was suspended for hitting a student. Today he was issued a 4th suspension for having a vape again.
Last week, he was smoking marijuana in his room, denied it, then packed a bag and left without saying where he was going. He insisted that I not call his phone. He stated he was tired of accusing him of things he wasn't doing (although a later drug test revealed he was using marijuana). He was gone for 5 days without any contact. He asked a random person to drive him to another state to meet up with his father.
Last Fall, he confronted a neighbor who wound up assaulting my son in the face with a gun. The situation could have turned out worse.
The level of disrespect, lack of empathy and irresponsible behavior has been going on for many years but escalated the past 2 years. He has no concern for the future, the importance of education or finding a job. His free time is spent gazing at his phone, playing video games, eating and sleeping. He gets irritated when asked to complete simple chores or focus on career or college preparation activities.
Many nights I have cried and wondered who this child is that I gave birth to and where I went wrong. It hurts to see the self destruction and careless behavior. I have been the only parent to raise and provide for him yet there is such hatred and down right rude, disrespectful interaction. I no longer have the desire to provide parental support, advise, encouragement or help with his transition beyond teenage life. Shipping him off to military or to reside with his father seems to be the only option. I don't want to do this anymore.
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Janice_H
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I am so sorry. My son is 15 and not yet involved with smoking or drugs but I am terrified for his future. He is like your son in that he spends his free time playing video games, on his phone, or watching tv. he does the bare minimum at school and around the house. He seems to have few friends, no e of whom we’ve ever met. He is in danger of failing several classes which would mean he would be expelled from his current school. I cry thinking about my sweet, lively, little boy and wondering where I went wrong. Sometimes I regret becoming a mother because I feel like such a failure. I don’t know anybody in real life who’s kids struggle. It’s very lonely.
I know exactly what you mean. I’m not sure if there are more parents of 15 - 17 Year old boys in the same situation. It seems like its only our family in this situation. I try to find information and educate myself, but most of what I found is targeted to girls or primary school kids…. Agree with both of you it is very lonely, clueless, I don’t know what to do. I try to apply strategies or suggestions from experts but clearly my son is not responding. I don’t know what to do, is like walking on eggshells all the time.
My husband is old school so my son and him fight all the time. I’m always scared as arguments escalate so fast and I usually find myself in the middle. I understand that my son’s ability to self regulate is not there, interest in school or the future is not there. I know he needs guidance and understanding but I don’t really know how to get him to do at least the bare minimum at school or to control his temper or be respectful or think on the future or stop gaming. I have screen time restrictions and I don’t allow him to sleep with devices on his room but the cost I’m paying for that is very high: Fights, stress, me crying, he blames me of him not being friends with some kids at school because of the screen time restrictions …..
Sorry, I don’t have any advice or suggestions. I’m also lost.
Good morning GRGG - it's ok that you do not have advise. It helps to vent and express what you are going through. Walking an eggshells is a daily thing for me. At home there is no feeling of peace or sanity. All days are unpredictable. All of your son's concerns you listed are the exact same as my son's - - inability to self regulate, no interest in education or the future, inability to control his temper, lack of respect, gaming/phone addiction. He has had his phone taken away in the past and has broken my door to get it back. There are dents in the wall of my new home from him having an explosive outburst. We all need prayer for restoration of peace of mind.
You are not alone Aussiemix. I also wonder where I went wrong. His counselor says whatever decisions he makes is not a result of something I did. As mothers we want the best for our children and try to lead them in the right direction. When they stray away, we feel responsible. I feel that I have lost my self-identity as I have spent 17 years focusing all of my energy and effort on an ungrateful soul.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I can relate to this - but not with my own children yet, who are 10, 7, and 5 - but with my own life at that age! You are basically telling my story, minus the vape because those things weren't popular at that time.
Anyways, it sounds like he is at a very normal stage in life right now. His brain is going through SO MANY changes and is in the middle of child-adult (which is a scary place for some families).
Granting him some "adult" permissions might help. Like having him be involved with how bills are paid, or having him help get gas at the pump. Involving him and guiding him into adulthood.
As for the phone use and Marijuana smoking - that's a battle so many are dealing with this day and age. Is there any family history of addiction? That could he something to dive into and explore.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope this phase doesn't last long and that his school sees his struggles and helps get to graduation! It takes a village!
MomOf3 - yes it takes a village!!! Unfortunately, the village is absent for me. We reside away from an unsupportive family. There is no history of addiction in either of our sides of the family. Because my son has poor impulse control and makes very bad choices without thinking of the consequences he got involved in what his friends are doing. How did you overcome your situation back then? What was successful that your parents did to help you improve? Thank you so much for reaching out with advice and taking time to respond to my post. It means alot!
Oh gosh, I am so sorry for this! Do you have interest in attending church or other self help groups? It can be intimidating and scary and super uncomfortable.. but that is one thing my mom says she wishes she would have done sooner. Diving into some psychology books or Ted-Talks might help with insight on the growing brain and the stages our kids go through. Do you practice self care? I know - like, yeah right ?! But truly, if you are able to put a little effort into loving yourself, obstacles that you encounter will become easier to think through and navigate emotionally. It can be as aimple as lighting a candle , or watching a comedy show for 20 mins. Anything to remind yourself that you need care too! Just hang on tight momma, things might get worse before they get better - but don't give up on yourself. You are a great mom and your son will keep growing and changing and he will be able to show off your wonderful work someday! Hope is not gone! Learn as much as you can about teenage boys - like scientifically. Small changes in the household might be helpful too? Change of pace of daily routines.
Another thought just popped in my head. Do you have access to a gym or anything? Has he tried exercise? Sometimes watching positive progress can help. If he gains muscle or notices other parts of his body improving in areas - it can be a great change of pace. Introducing that form of self care to him. Introducing him to workout routines, special pre-workout foods.
I don't know- I'm sorry. My son is still young and I haven't had to experience this yet so forgive me for shooting from the hip here. Give me a couple years and I'll be on this page posting asking for help too!! Thank you for sharing so much of your life with me. It's helpful to know we aren't alone in this.
I do have a single gym membership. He does need something else to occupy his mind and time. Great advice! You may be blessed to have a completely different experience with your child.
I recently relocated to a new state with my son. His counselor says his behavior is a result of a change in life situation. He seemed to have concerns prior to the move though. I do have a church but have not put effort into regular attendance. Self help and self care is definitely lacking mostly due to being totally exhausted from caring for and attempting to organize my son's life. Your words of support are so encouraging! I will take all of your advice starting today.
it is so, so hard. Many kids struggle at this age and the prospect of finishing high school and having an adult life in front of them can be terrifying. Sometimes they manage their own stress and fear by acting out. If you can, find a therapist for yourself, these are hard things to get through and I found it really helpful to have a therapist for myself. If you can, see if he will do family therapy with you as well. I learned from one therapist the mantra “My kid is not giving me a hard time, my kid is HAVING a hard time.” This Mantra really helps when our child acts out, to remember, it’s not really directed at you. Sending you a huge virtual hug to get through these times. You are not alone.
Hi Pema20, your hug is much needed! A personal therapist is definitely needed. I'll have to keep repeating those words in difficult times. It's so common to feel that their acting out is a directed towards mom.
There is no short supply of teenagers with major parent/school interaction problems. It comes with the territory of raising children, and can be very intense with children with ADHD.
It sounds to me that your son is trying hard to be seen and because of his ADHD, it can feel like “no one understands him” like most teens feel, but on ADHD “steroids”
He is very much self medicating. You didn’t mention, if he is medically managed for what seems like , anxiety and depression along with his ADHD.
No one wants to be doing something all the time that they do not do well.
The first thing it seems to me, that your son needs is connection back to you. No easy task but if he is able to sit with you for a while, you must allow him to do most if the talking. Therapy might not seem to work because what he has to say, he needs to say to you.
Educating yourself on ADHD is the best way ti help your son. CHADD. Org is the place to find answers to your questions. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder. His brain is slower to mature than typically developing kids, and his behavior is mostly related to his ADHD symptoms. Kids with ADHD, can have a 2-5 year delay in social/emotional growth.
So your 17 year old can really be operating with a developmental age much younger. He cannot take perspective of your feelings, because he is not yet a parent. His whole world right now is a giant “Not Yet”. That can be very difficult to navigate all the responsibilities of moving forward in life, vs the comfort of staying right where he is.
Some kids need a couple of years to hardwire their brains before making big plans to leave home and go to school. Typically developing kids are not fully mature until 24-25. Add that delay and we can see some kids with ADHD, not get there until 28-30. Planning a couple of years to allow for that growth to take place will rest on how you both can manage changing your lenses.
Usually that maturity gap is not as noticeable in adulthood, or maybe better to say, the behavior is usually attributed to other non clinical descriptions like lazy, crazy, stupid, selfish, etc But thankfully we know, that he is struggling with his situation because of this and not because he is out to hurt you. They say “the people who need our love the most, have the most un-loving way of asking for it“
There is a model of for helping kids who are not able to solve problems on their own. The model is called collaborative and proactive solutions. It is a way to teach your child to solve problems collaboratively, so he doesn’t feel like he’s got it all to do, but he doesn’t feel like you’re taking over and telling him what to do.
This model accomplishes several things. One, it helps repairs the relationship; and all problems rely on the relationship, as it will mitigate the outcome. Two, it sets up the child for being the “architect of the solution“. This means they need to be placed in a position that they are coming up with solutions They know right from wrong so this isn’t going to fail because they make a wildly different solution than you would to fit their narrative. This focuses on solving the problem and not stopping the behavior. The behavior is not the problem. The problem is driving the behavior. If you solve the problem, the behavior will stop.
This model requires a mindset shift of the parent from “kids do well if they want to” to “kids do well if they can”. If they don’t change their mindset to a growth mindset and not a fixed mindset, they are not going to get anywhere with their kids. Kids already feel as if they are a burden, but they cannot do anything to mitigate it.
So the model is well explained on Dr.‘s Greene’s website. The website is livesinthebalance.org and his resources,,videos and wonderful content cannot be summed up in the short paragraph. Please take a look. Everything is pretty much free on his website and is what I found when my son was 15. I wish I had it before then, but it’s never too late to explore different things to help. Its work and a much different conversation with your child.
Don’t forget as much as you can try to take care of yourself and if he won’t go to therapy, then YOU go to therapy. 😊😊
CHADDMOM! What an incredible response! Thank you so much for the ideas and for sharing resources on the website. It is amazing to hear from this community. I am not sure how I could cope without all of the wonderful individuals who have taken time to reach out with support. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
I am so sorry that you are going through this and I want to share another resource, primarily for you. Impact Parents (impactparents.com/) is an education and coaching program for parents of neurdivergent kids. It provides support for those of us who feel all alone in this fight for our children, and I have found it remarkably helpful for my family. I hope that you can take a moment to check them out and shcedule a call. They have helped me and I hope that they can help you.
Momma I hear you! I have a 16 y/o boy who i love with all my heart but I am dismayed at some of the life choices he makes. While still in my home we make rules and expect them to be followed. We have to remember that kids often do well when they can and that the struggle for them to o act their biological age and that they lag behind peers in their ability to do so.
Continue to set limits but remember to remind him you love him and will always be around to help if he asks for it. I find myself at wits end a lot with his work ethic and his choices for how to use time but I remember that if I am disappointed then he must be doubly so because he is watching his peers go forward while he is stalling. Approach him firmly yes but remind him that you are the one person he can always go to with honestly for help and support. I think that is the only thing that you can do as they age out of our rules and homes.
You are doing the best you can...there is no magic button to "fix" him but remain available for when he is ready and capable of fixing his own life and habits. I think that this is the best thing you can do for now.
Janice, thank you for sharing your story. This was an invaluable thread for me to read today because I, too, feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Our story is very similar to yours. What do you do when you feel like you've tried everything and yet continue to see the decline. It's heartbreaking. As difficult as it seems, life (our life) must go on and the more we take care of ourself, the more we have to help our child--otherwise it's too easy to just give up on the child. I make it a point now to spend only so much time on my child's issues in a day (dealing with counselors, school officials, doctors, etc.), unless there is something urgent going on, and then I shift gears to doing something that brings me joy, such as watching a funny movie, reading, hobbies, etc. This helps to keep my emotional bank full enough to continue with the struggle.
I'm also learning to believe that I did nothing to cause what's happening. I'm also believing that my son is just as much a victim of circumstance as I am. He didn't choose his neurodivergent brain which impairs his ability to act differently. This helps me to have more compassion towards him and less bitterness--but boy is it hard to keep this perspective sometimes.
Finally, accepting that this is his and my life right now somehow reduces the pain. For too long I fought reality; this can't be happening to me, it's going to change tomorrow, what will our family friends think, etc. These were my thoughts from the moment my brain was conscious in the morning and many times keeping me from getting to sleep in the first place. Struggling against the reality of what was, and is, happening just gave me a double dose of suffering. This makes it sound like I've overcome this struggle; no, it's still a daily thing but I catch my thinking this way sooner (instead of wallowing in it the entire day) so that I can shift gears to acceptance.
I'm so very sorry for what's happening in your life right now. I am praying that this stage in our lives will pass soon and that while we are in it we will somehow find the strength and patience to weather the storm. Peace be with you.
Another great resource is the book ADHD is Awesome by Penn and Kim Holderness. It really opened up the communication between my son and I. It helped me to see things from his perspective and allowed him to open up about how he felt and how his brain works. He just turned 21 and after a very rough 2 years of college, he is doing better this year as a junior. It is still a challenge, but him knowing that I was able to understand his experience instead of yelling, judging, and punishing has been a blessing. I learned neither of us are to blame and we are both doing the best we can.
Our 17-yrs old son was in a similar situation (fights with classmate, suspended from school, shoplifting, vaping devices in his room, playing games on phone and computer, at the border of failing classes that he is not interested in, etc). Things are SLOWLY improving. Here are some things that seem to have helped our family:
* Our son refuses to see a professional (psychologist/ ADHD coach) so we are seeing a psychologist for parenting consultation.
* We are trying to improve connection with your son. Find something that your son is interested in and try to participate in the same activity or have him teach you. In our case, we learn how to play poker and ask him for advice. My husband becomes his "helper" when he wants to modify his truck. We listen to "CarTalk" podcast during mealtimes; we sometimes chuckle together since the podcast is very funny. Look for desirable behaviors and compliment him (be specific).
* We can control his phone from our phones. We are turning most of his phone apps (youtube, tiktok, etc) off until he is done with his homework (just tried this for a week and it seems to work). The computer is programmed to automatically turn off at 10:30pm.
* We tried not to punish him for every mistake. To be honest, we have not figured out how to correctly implement this yet. Example: He didn't go to his music class because he fell asleep in his truck after lunch (he has insomnia). Instead of taking away his privileges, we asked him to brainstorm with us to improve sleep issue. Not sure if that was the right thing to do?
It has been 2 years since the last fight in school/shoplifting/suspension/fists through the walls. We are not sure if he is still vaping; he can be clever with his hiding places! He chooses to go to trade school in the morning and high school in the afternoon. He is doing very well in his welding class (A- so far). We hope he will pass his music class so he can graduate next year.
We are still learning as a family. We are sending you big hugs, positive thoughts and best wishes. Hang in there!
this seems quite a lot the situation I been Janice! For of all take a deep breath and know you are not the only one dealing with same situation
My son who had ADD last two years of his school was so hard he was on drugs got suspended from school few times
Just finishing up community service hours and manage to get passing grades was a struggle
I honestly had the feelings many times that we will not graduate
My son will be 20 years in less than one, he finally graduated last year from high school
Took his driving test 4 times and finally passed it fourth time
After high school he showed no interest to go college or trade school
Applied for May 20 jobs and interviews roughly 15 or so and was not getting a job
Finally he got a job now at Panera for last 2 months or so….. he had one good friend who motivates him my son is going to gym now few times a week with him
Also my son was very rude and disrespectful to me when he was going through hard times
And trust me things are not perfect for him but they are soo much better and you my friend please hang in there things will get better 💜
My son was very very close to me when he was young and we used to sign and dance together
As He got bullied at school and somehow it all changed him to be harsh person he is getting better at this but it might never be same!!!!!!!!
Also please reach out to partnership to end addiction it’s a great resource
So sorry for what you are going through. We are going through the same thing with our 17-year-old. these last 3 years have been just like you said other than we are thankful enough that our kid is not smoking. All the rest holds true and we walk on eggshells everyday and we are sad all the time and don't know how to fix anything and feel completely lost. The hard part is that we have a 15-year-old that doesn't have these problems and it affects his life negatively as well so makes it even more difficult. If there is somebody out there that has the right guidance or even the right words to say please help
My advice is to send him away. He will be able to stay out of trouble and graduate from high school. We sent our son to a residential boys home out of state at age 16 1/2 and we all agree that this was the best decision - my son is in full agreement with this. He is now 28, finished community college and has a good job. This would not have happened if he had stayed at home. We used college money for the 18 month stay, but I'd take out a loan if necessary. Feel free to message me for more details.
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