CHADD's ADHD Parents Together

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My kids the one no one likes

Hi,

I’ve known my son has ADHD for years. He was diagnosed with OCD at around age 7 and ADHD at around the same time. He’s now going to be 14 in a few months and is the kid no one wants to hang out with. The one who annoys everyone. We have him in a private Christian school (only about 55 students). We just had parent teacher conferences and all the teachers say the same thing. He won’t stop talking! He’s so unorganized! He annoys the other kids. Yesterday he was at a birthday party. I thought it would go great since most of the kids there were from the school. When I picked him up after we got in the car he started crying saying the kids called him fat, gay, and told him no one likes him. My heart sunk. No one his age relates to him. Some meds we’ve tried: Adderall- made his OCD worse. Took him off. Strattera- didn’t work. guaffacine (sp) seemed to stop working so we took him off. He takes Zoloft for OCD. Now I thinking we should try more meds. My kid is very social and loves people. They just hate him. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make people like him. He’s starting to get depressed about it. He doesn’t get social ques from other kids that tell him enough! Anyone else have loner kid?

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Layla72372

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Hi layla72372,

I'm new here. However not new to your circumstance. My son was diagnosed with adhd age 7. I knew he had it around 3 but he knew how to manipulate. My son is now 18, working part-time and in college. I was blessed because the 1st medicine he tried worked, that was concerta. Your son has the potential to be an asset to society one day.

He is off meds now via his own decision. He was similar like your son at age 14. First what I want you to know is that medicine and therapy go hand and hand. My son refused it, so my job with him was even harder. In NewYork even if a minor refuses therapy they will not reinforce it. What I know now and if I knew then how to convince my son that therapy was in his best I interest. I knew that, but didn't know how to articulate it to him, so he would at least try it... See psychiatrist won't fight this decision because they do not want to be with a child in a 15 no Ute or so session who refuses to engage or answer questions all because he is being forced to. It's a waste of their time point blank.

I was diagnosed a year or so ago with ADULT ADHD.... So with 16 plus years of experience raising my son and now I get to look at a ADHD from inside out. A whole different lens. NOW I see and feel what these kids go through.

So I will advise you to self care my dear because caring for him can be draining. Do not neglect your health because your strength and knowledge is needed to advocate for him. You are a great parent you just birthed a very unique child. Kids are cruel because they do not understand him neither do the teachers.

Him being in a Christian school and smaller setting is great. However how conducive is that setting to his educational being. You cannot disassociate him from kids because then he will never get to learn appropriate social skills. Listen to him carefully.

My son was under the special education umbrella and he had an Individualized Education Plan(IEP)

He was put in a classroom 1st with a smaller setting but all the kids had multiple mental health issues and these kids became a distraction for my son. Eventually on the next IEP meeting or maybe b4 I told the educators on the board I wanted him in a classroom with special and regular ed children with 2 teachers in the room.

He still was a lot to handle but did much better educational wise. My son problem was behavior. It's what kept him in trouble. The impulsiveness and inability to make logic decisions plagued him. Take time at night to cry but then you have to step up your game making sure your son is educationally supported by the school.

Adhders are very smart and our brains function differently. Executive function is why poor choses are made. So I know I said a lot but I feel I have much insight to share. I'm a woman of God and helping others is what's keeps him smiling. 😃 You just increase your knowledge about your sons conditions. It will be your ammunition to fight for him. I say don't let people scare you away from meds. Sometimes meds is the best treatment with therapy. It takes a few or several tries to get the right adjusted dosage that works for him. Feel free to friend me on face book under KISHA Johnson. My profile has me in a green dress looking up. I feel that as the mom care givers you need care too. It's an exhausting experience if you have no help or support. However if you need strength I will be it until you gain yours.

Ok love & blessings to you. Connect with me anytime .

I am Kisha J McRae

Remember on face book I'm Kisha Johnson NOT Kisha Johnson McRae

Hi Kisha, i just want to say what a wonderful post. How kind and understanding you sound, just what mothers of adhd children need. This site is such a great idea as well. When my son was young, many years ago, there was no internet. The only info i could get was from books. If only i had someone like you to talk to, life would have been less stressful.

An amazing post ❤️

Sheila1kerry

I wonder if switching to public school is an option? Certainly you'll save money and it sounds like the school is not capable. Small school idea can backfire.

We tried public school. He lasted 1 month before someone hit him. So I took him out. Public school was a nightmare. He’s in 8th grade but only as mature as about a 10 or 11 year old. It really stinks.

Hi Kisha, thank you for your wisdom and kind words. I will be looking for a therapist today for him. Hopefully it will help. It breaks me heart! The poor guy just wants to be liked and accepted. He tries to play the joker in school to get attention... only problem is his jokes aren’t funny

His teachers are really sweet and will text me if he forgets to turn his work in. He gets good grades, still A’s and B’s. So he’s not falling behind at all. It’s just a huge struggle to keep on top of him reminding him what’s due, don’t forget this and that. You’re right! It’s exhausting!

Thanks for reaching out to me. It’s nice to know I’m not the only Mom out there like this.

PS I’m pretty sure I’ve had ADD my whole life. I was never diagnosed but I’m positive! That’s why this breaks my heart to see him struggle like I did.

I too have a son who struggles with having friends at school, tries to be the class clown to make people laugh thinking that will make them like him. We fostered him and younger brother and sister before adopting all three this last July. He has multiple problems coming out of a bad home life. We have a new doctor and he is on Adderall XR. It's hard to break through the anger that he can't live with his mother and that we are trying to help him. he is very smart but will not apply it to school, the school promoted him from 2nd - 3rd even though his grades were poor because they knew he could do it. We have brought in private tutors and counselors but does not seem to help much. Trying to break the chain of drugs and prison from his mother's family. hoping loving and nurturing over comes genetics. I also had trouble in grade school, back in the 60,s they called it speech therapy which I think was a mild form of dyslexia, so i really struggled with English all through school but i enjoyed school so i kept at it, with the help of my parents.

I feel your pain. It's so hard when we see our children suffering. Having friends is important but it's not the most important thing. Your love will help him hang in there until he can connect with someone. I'm glad you're going to try therapy. Sometimes group therapy can be great too so kids see they're not the only ones struggling with these issues. Does he have a special hobby or interest? I would really encourage it. Even if it's video games, try to get him the magazines and go to conventions and let him see that there are other kids out there with the same passion. Join a club for something he's good at doing. This will develop his talent and interest and let him feel competent. He may even make a friend with the same interest. My daughter is only 7 but she's having trouble making friends, too. We do a riding program in the summer because she wanted to have "horse friends". It really boosted her confidence to care for the horses. Now that school is in session it's hard for her to be away from her horse friends. I feel like we've found part of the answer but we're still trying. Good luck to you!

Greetings Layla-

Yes, others do have a loner kid....I have one. Although, I feel like "loner" isn't the right word because they aren't loners, they like to be around other people and have friends, they just don't fit in and they are not like everyone else so they can be hard to like. And it is heartbreaking.

My son usually does not get invited to parties, or social functions and is always the kid on the soccer team that the kids don't like and the coach has issues with because he talks too much, interrupts instruction, annoys his teammates, says inappropriate things, and so on. One of his coaches told me when I followed up with him on why he wasn't getting play time, and said, he can't behave himself, he doesn't listen, he won't follow my instruction, he's not focused, he annoys his teammates and causes problems during practices. I have to bench him. This is the story of his life in school as well. Teachers and coaches cannot "see" the disability like one can see in a child sitting in a wheelchair, or down syndrome, or muscular dystrophy, they can only see a kid they think is a total brat, dysfunctional, problem child, as they get older, people and his school mates, team mates, teachers etc, will and do judge much harsher. So, I, like you, are in a frenzy to help...but how? What do we do exactly? Like with any problem I need to solve, I try to understand it so I can better solve it. In this situation, we have no answer to why, when, where, how, it's happening, so it makes it very hard to understand. I often ask why God chose my son or any son or daughter, to take this on. What purpose does it serve? Why are they the chosen one? Where do we go with this? What is the answer?

Helping is difficult when we are in this blindly. We certainly know what to do if they have a broken arm, or if they have an accident and knock out a tooth, or if they are sick with food poisoning, we know what to do! In this situation, we do not know what to do. We have no manual handed down to us with instruction. So we are blindly searching for the right thing to do, the best way to help, and the search takes time, and time is of the essence. It makes me feel desperate. And when I see him sitting alone at the soccer field waiting for me to pick him up, and a group of boys together a few feet away, my heart breaks. The same when I hear from another parent about a New Year's Eve party her son was invited to and how much fun it was, I am sad that my son was not invited. But there are some kids that sort of get him, and he does have just a few friends, they see each-other occasionally, I think these kids cannot take too much time with him, and I understand. I am grateful that he has the perseverance to continue to play the sport he loves and not care what his teammates think. And that he goes to school everyday and makes the best of it. He used to not really know that he was odd man out, until the diagnosis in 8th grade. And of course in middle school and social media, you realize real fast there are parties happening and you aren't invited. Overall, his Freshman year has gone fairly well despite the struggle with Math and English and social challenges. It's tough that he is not one of the kids that is strong academically, and weak athletically, or vice versa, he is clumsy, and like built like a giraffe, so soccer and sports are a real challenge, but he loves soccer and I think he made the team because his coach saw that love of the game in him. And the ADHD highly affects his academics, we just got him off a 504 and on an IEP......so hoping for better days ahead.

With everything in life, I have to trust god and the universe that I am and my son is, exactly where we are meant to be. That God brought us to it, he will bring us through it. I wanted so badly, year after year, for my son the be like all the other kids- but he is not, and now that he is almost 15, he never will be and that is ok. I decided that all the time he would normally spend with peers or at parties, he will spend with me- I will use our time to teach him all I can and create memories he can keep with him for his lifetime. Personally, I like my son and not just because I am his mom. Yesterday we went to the Lake to Kayak for the first time! He loved it, he was afraid at first, he did not want to get in a single, but he did, and as we paddled out further and further, all they way out to the middle of the lake, we stopped paddling, and just sat. He yelled over to me, " Mom, I love this, I feel so calm." I knew for sure, without doubt, we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

Right there with you, echo all the above, except agnostic and kid in large public school. Concerta helped but in high school he went off it.

I enrolled him in social skills camp which he liked. I used to give up on say cub scouts if he wasnt making friends. Now i settle for him doing activities he enjoys and is good at, and accept that he is not very interested in his peers nor them in him.

Wrestling team - he needed that in middle school. Otherwise he wrestled random kids.

Cub scouts.

Trade school that's physical.

Videogames

Science and natural history museums

We like his company, fortunately.

I am exactly like this boy. I am a lonely middle-aged man who never fit in anywhere. I probably have some form of autism or Aspberger syndrome but I was never diagnosed. I cried as I read this article. I recognize myself in the description. Everyone hates me too; women especially. I am suicidally depressed with no hope. I thought my life would get better as an adult but it never did. Counseling never helped me. I did extensive research on the Internet for answers with no good solutions for me. I tried everything and now I am done. I am better off dead.

ESP1138-

Thank-you for sharing what it is like to have ADHD. I am not sure if you know about the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday, they also have a chat line, just in case you need to chat with someone.

I am sorry you have the feelings of not fitting in and what that dose for you. Please consider getting some help from a mental health provider so you can be heard and maybe helped.

If you don't mind, do you think doing something that builds your self-confidence could also help? Maybe doing whatever you are really interested in arts, sports, poetry.. anything that is not school.

One last thing, you telling your story and sharing your struggles allows others with ADHD/Autism to learn.

Thank you for teaching us about your journey. Please reach out to us or the lifeline if you need it. Big hug! Take care

I hope your ok. Because I do care

I understand you feel hopeless. ***Everyone*** deserves love.

I second the recommendation to call a suicide hotline.

It sounds as if you are facing three problems: 1) a condition you did not ask for that causes others to misunderstand you and which you may not understand well; 2) a resulting lack of social skills; 3) depression.

You might want to consider a few things:

1) Seek more help for your depression. I would highly recommend Mensah Medical for treatment. Mensah Medical (mensahmedical.com)

They resolved my son’s mood problems and suicidal depression using diet changes and prescription vitamins. It is a different approach that balances neurology with which I have seen profound results. It also works in combination with other approaches like drugs and therapy.

2) Social skills can be learned. Some of us don’t easily learn them by “osmosis.” Look up Social Thinking in San Jose, CA and ask them for referrals near you. They treat adults and are ***great*** at what they do.

3) Get yourself a diagnosis and increase your own understanding of your condition. This will help you navigate life and communicate your needs with others.

Thank you for all your replies. I wish I could believe that people really care and if you knew me you would not like me. I have never been diagnosed. All I know is that people still call me names like "weird" and "creep." I believe that suicide should be a respected choice like everything else. Pro-choice like abortion and marrying who you want or buying the car I want are choices that should be respected and my choices in life should also be respected. I believe in the right to choose.

Reading ur story made me sad i also have adult adhd... with one child on the spectrum and the other with adhd and dyslexia.. i have to advocate for them all the time i know when i was young my mother never really did.. i barely made it out of highschool.. so with my two children i know im all they got. they need me i do pretty good at helping them i know all the resources... i will never give up.. i want my children to have all the help they can get... i just dont like dealing with the judgemental parents

Layla72372- Just wanted to check in to see if adding counseling to your "toolbox" helped. I also wanted to ask if you have ever worked with a child psychiatrist? They are very skilled at helping to figure out the right dose, time and type of medication. In addition, could you find something that can help build your child's confidence? Arts, poetry, sports... This has really helped by son who has continued doing Tae kwan Do to help build his confidence because he now teachers younger students.

Good luck with your child.

I understand No one likes me I am alone and cry after school because I am lonely. It hurts inside.

*hugs to you*

thank you I was having a bad day and that virtual hug made it better.

Your son is having social struggles because of his ADHD and would greatly benefit from group therapy to explicitly teach him the social skills other kids learn implicitly. Social Thinking in San Jose, CA is ***great*** at this. If they are geographically undesirable, call them to find out how to get services in your area. They can also recommend many books that will help you both. Look up Michelle Garcia Winner.

My son has the same issues and it has been a struggle. He does really well with younger children, because he is immature for an almost 9 year old. The children he relates to are always several years younger. He is very good with very young children too and loves his cousin who is about 2 1/2. We are going to try 4H this year as I have a client who breeds and shows goats and said he can borrow one to learn with...which is great, because we don't need to actually own a goat. I find animals are a great way for him to bond with others and gives him something to talk about as an introduction. We have three dogs, a cat, a rat and he has three fish... so, yeah, we aren't adding the goat. The lady who runs the program knows my son and is a special Ed teacher - has had children in the program with Autism, Adhd, other varying diagnosis, so, well...fingers crossed.

He also goes to a very small Christian School and that has been wonderful. I know many public schools are wonderful, but the one here was unprepared for him... which I get... He is a tornado. We used to call him Dr. Trouble.

He sounds a lot like your son. We are blessed to have many parents here who understand. One of my daughter's friend's Mom always invites BOTH children to everything. He is welcomed at some of our local Girl Scout events as the unofficial Mascot where he is very proud to earn (mom purchased) badges and go on certain field trips... He has made some nice friends that way and been a big help. I try to involve him in things he is interested in and things where people will be more understanding of him. The 4H I am hoping will be a match made in heaven - kids, animals, going to fairs, maybe getting ribbons. I don't know if there is something like that near you, or similar, where he can do something he likes and there are other kids around.

We are on 25 mg of Strattera, which has helped him at school. He is also As and Bs and has tested out of previously needed special Ed support for a reading delay and behavioral issues... He also has anxiety. We are seeing a counselor once of week for anxiety and impulsivity issues, though, that is going better too.

I know this is old. But this is exactly my kid. He isn't diagnosed with anything because my Dr is a turd. My heart breaks for your child because I know exactly what he goes through and how hard is to watch. My son is only 9 and I want to help him, but short of having 3k for private disgnosis I just don't know what to do.