Confused, lost and lonely!
Although I'm not depressed at the moment Im always fearful that the darkness is never far away!
I have suffered with what I would call "grimacing tics" since childhood. I scrunch and contort my entire face and stay like that for 1-2 secs 30-40 times a day! The strange thing is that I'm not sure these "tics" are involuntary? I can suppress them in front of people but still feel the need to do it. I save them until I'm alone. They seem to be linked to all emotions not just anxiety.
Anyhow, the tics don't bother me much and are the least of my problems!
4 years ago I came out of an abusive marriage. My wife and I married young and partied hard. After 6 years things turned bad and I was subject to both mental and physical abuse. I took more beatings than i wish to remember! It was during this time that things got really bad for me. I started getting flash backs of my parents violent break up as well as my own! I started punching myself in the head (really hard), biting and scratching myself. The pain became a release! I would sometimes just sit rocking banging the back of my head against a wall or break down in tears and hide under the bed!
After 3years separation from my wife Met a kind and loving girl who was everything I ever wanted. Our relationship was happy.... Until IT happened! I became stressed about money and after 3 days of arguments I completely lost it.. All I remember is faces flashing in front of my face and me screaming "your doing the same as her" while I punched and punched myself in the head... I woke up on the kitchen floor cold, shaking and alone. 2 weeks later after trying to explain the light of my life left me!.. She told me she was scared of me!
I spent 6months depressed. I couldn't sleep. When I did sleep I had nightmares and woke with scratches in my groin and on my chest. I would sit on the sofa for hours head in hands crying and pulling at my hair. I had a headache for 6 weeks and nothing seemed logical. My mind became a battlefield!
I decided enough was enough and went to the doctors for help. I was given some pain killers for the headache and filled out a couple of mental health forms. I was then told that I could see a therapist but the waiting list was quite long... That was 9 months ago! I have been back to the doctors since and told to wait some more!
In 9 months I have received no information what so ever on how I can help myself while I wait.. I feel abandoned!
I only discovered this website today by typing in mental health!
Talking to others including my parents, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and writing a diary have helped with the depression but I can't help but feel that If I knew what was wrong with me I could move on. I'm struggling to meet girls because I have a complex about being a violent threat to them! My behaviour has become hyper and erratic. I'm conscious of my clown like behaviour and tics. I feel weak, ashamed, lonely and alone.
I'm scared the longer I wait with no information the sooner the darkness will return.
I can't afford private therapy so would really appreciate any information on how I can deal with this.. It's difficult trying to fix something yourself when you don't know what you need to fix!
Sorry for rabbiting on and thanks for reading.