What to do?

Confused, lost and lonely!

Although I'm not depressed at the moment Im always fearful that the darkness is never far away!

I have suffered with what I would call "grimacing tics" since childhood. I scrunch and contort my entire face and stay like that for 1-2 secs 30-40 times a day! The strange thing is that I'm not sure these "tics" are involuntary? I can suppress them in front of people but still feel the need to do it. I save them until I'm alone. They seem to be linked to all emotions not just anxiety.

Anyhow, the tics don't bother me much and are the least of my problems!

4 years ago I came out of an abusive marriage. My wife and I married young and partied hard. After 6 years things turned bad and I was subject to both mental and physical abuse. I took more beatings than i wish to remember! It was during this time that things got really bad for me. I started getting flash backs of my parents violent break up as well as my own! I started punching myself in the head (really hard), biting and scratching myself. The pain became a release! I would sometimes just sit rocking banging the back of my head against a wall or break down in tears and hide under the bed!

After 3years separation from my wife Met a kind and loving girl who was everything I ever wanted. Our relationship was happy.... Until IT happened! I became stressed about money and after 3 days of arguments I completely lost it.. All I remember is faces flashing in front of my face and me screaming "your doing the same as her" while I punched and punched myself in the head... I woke up on the kitchen floor cold, shaking and alone. 2 weeks later after trying to explain the light of my life left me!.. She told me she was scared of me!

I spent 6months depressed. I couldn't sleep. When I did sleep I had nightmares and woke with scratches in my groin and on my chest. I would sit on the sofa for hours head in hands crying and pulling at my hair. I had a headache for 6 weeks and nothing seemed logical. My mind became a battlefield!

I decided enough was enough and went to the doctors for help. I was given some pain killers for the headache and filled out a couple of mental health forms. I was then told that I could see a therapist but the waiting list was quite long... That was 9 months ago! I have been back to the doctors since and told to wait some more!

In 9 months I have received no information what so ever on how I can help myself while I wait.. I feel abandoned!

I only discovered this website today by typing in mental health!

Talking to others including my parents, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and writing a diary have helped with the depression but I can't help but feel that If I knew what was wrong with me I could move on. I'm struggling to meet girls because I have a complex about being a violent threat to them! My behaviour has become hyper and erratic. I'm conscious of my clown like behaviour and tics. I feel weak, ashamed, lonely and alone.

I'm scared the longer I wait with no information the sooner the darkness will return.

I can't afford private therapy so would really appreciate any information on how I can deal with this.. It's difficult trying to fix something yourself when you don't know what you need to fix!

Sorry for rabbiting on and thanks for reading.

12 Replies

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  • Is there any possibility that the tics could be a form of Tourette's syndrome? If so, it's not something to blame yourself for.. The violent feelings could well be a form of post-traumatic stress disorder related to your parents' marriage. Your GP should be able to help you.

  • Hey missrat,

    Yeah, I guess the tics could be some form of Tourette's. I did mention it to my GP along with everything else but the only answer I get is "you'll have to wait". I'm more concerned about the violent outbursts. It's being stuck in limbo that really gets me down. Until someone says "you have this" and you deal with it this way I'm kinda stuck:(

    Thanks for your reply and support x

  • What a heart warming story. I tend to be more of a recluse now, so no chance of meeting anyone. Tried a counselling service for six weeks at my GP's surgery. No idea what it was supposed to do as they didn't provide any information on how to actually cope/manage my depression and couldn't help me. So was disappointed in it. Saw a psychiatrist several times, again maybe my expectations were too high, was hoping they could have provided 'personal' techniques on how to cope. Thank you though for sharing such an incredible overwhelming story. So much thought went into it. Hugs to you.

  • Hey no-one,

    The lack of information is a wind up! I also became a recluse for a while. I'm sorry counselling didn't work for you:( I think that sometimes as humans we search too hard for answers to questions that can't be answered? We remain stuck hoping someone will give us an answer but actually we need to learn to love ourselves and go find it? There is someone for everyone out there :)

    Im not sure what the answer is but I can say that talking and meeting people really does help. Little by little and day by day. You deserve happiness so Keep smiling and don't give up!

    Thank you very much for your reply and kind words, it really means a lot to me. Big hugs xx

  • Hi Quimblby,

    I am really sorry to hear that this is the experience you have had with the GP. There is definitely a problem with a lack of mental health services available for referrals and this may be why you are having to wait so long for an appointment.

    However, you need to go back to your GP. See a different one or change practices. From what I have read it seems that you have a lot of anxiety around social situations along with depression. Firstly, there are medications that can help with this along with some that can help you sleep if you are still having trouble with that. Secondly you should be able to get a referral to a psychiatrist in less than 9 months.. that is unacceptable and you should tell your GP this!

    Arrange regular check ups with the GP to discuss how you are doing and any medication you decide to trial. Have you considered counselling? There are free services available and may not have such long waits.

    These can let you explore why you are feeling this way and come to terms with the past. If you recognise behavioural patterns you can begin to change them. They can also provide you with coping mechanisms for worrying situations such as meeting new people. It's about recognising damaging thoughts and working to deal with those so that damaging behaviours don't follow.

    The diary and speaking to people are great tools. They can help you reflect and also voice your anxieties helping you to process and deal with them.

    However, you definitely need a proper assessment here and it is vital that you fight for that. You deserve to feel better and you deserve the treatment that is available. This is not your fault and you are not a clown. Do not feel ashamed, weak, or alone.

    I hope you find the support and help you need.

  • Hey nasha,

    I've made another appointment with my GP so I will see how things go. If I get no response again he's dumped!! I guess part of my problem is that I don't know exactly what help to get? Ive found free advice lines for relationships, depression, anxiety but not for tics and violent rages. If i had a broken arm i'd know to go to a&e. I don't so much feel depressed anymore but fear of its return is never far away. I would agree with anxiety around social situation. I've spent most of my life feeling like I'm on the outside of social circles looking in. If I'm not outside it I'm deep inside and massively conscious of my behaviour!

    Your right about the diary! I can't recommend this enough. Once a month I read back what I've written and learned so much about me.

    Thank you so much for your advice and support. You've been really helpful. I will go back to my GP and I will fight for help!

    I'm really conscious of how people perceive me so thank you again for telling me I'm not a clown :) xx

  • Eeek! Tics are horrid! I've had a whole host of different ones since I was a kid. I get compulsions to touch things and stuff as well. Like right now I'm blinking my eyes, grinding my teeth and every say 30 seconds, I have to feel the cold part of the iPad with my wrist! Nobody understands tics unless they've had / got them! Mine are made worse if I'm depressed or anxious. So that's a whole lot of tics. You probably havn't got tourettes, but the symptoms are so similar to other conditions.

  • Hi suzie34

    Poor you! Your right, no one understands. Like you, mine seem to be linked to anxiety as well as any other emotion I may have! I mostly get the grimacing type tic- I call it popeye face! I also clench my teeth, have prolonged blinks or just stretch my mouth like a yawn.

    I've also had them since childhood but they don't bother me that much.. Hiding them has become a game! I can now tic in a split second someone looks away from me and back again! :) I can't bear messy cupboards! All labels must face front in size order! And I like to rub smooth objects on my face! ... I think it's a comfort thing:)

    Thanks for your reply. It's great to meet some one with similar experiences and openly talk about them without being judged :) xx

  • Its good that your talking to someone, even on a page.

    Im a trained counsellor, so I can point you in a direction. Counselling doesnt hve to be expensive. Shop around!!

    I hate the fact people have to wait at all for counselling, when you need it you need it now!!

    Do a search for the BACP british association for counselling and psychotheapy. You will find a list of counsellors in your area. Or call them, and ask one to be sent.

    you could also contact mind,,and other organisations for help,and direction.

    You in emotional pain,,, due to the parenting you recieved.

    post traumtic stress too, which is part of that,, its a way of your mind trying to deal with what happened, to you, so its sort of normal, reaction to something you found abnormal.

    Inner child work, too. to help heal that child inside of all of us,, who was hurt, which is making you react the way you are each day.

    I hope this helps x

  • Hi coatpin

    I've found the lack of information and direction really annoying! I live in oxford where apparently we have a high percentage of mental health issues. I guess I've alway felt that my issues were less significant so was willing to wait patiently. Maybe I just assumed this because I'm always told I have to wait.

    Thank you for your advice. I had no idea where to go or who to call other than my GP!

    In today's climate it's a real shame we aren't made more aware of what is available to us!.. Sometimes all you need to do is talk!

    I've had more information from yourself and the previous comments than I've had in 9 months! Thank you all very much xx

  • I'm actually a little bit annoyed that I wasn't blessed with a hatred on messy cupboards now! X

  • Of*

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