Between God and I, I am grateful for my life...However I don't know where to begin in expressing my issue....
It started when i was 14-15 years of age my parents had been split up since 1998 having being married for 15 years. When they split i was 11 years old, and me and my younger sister followed my dad to live with him, seeing my mum on weekends because she had to work full time.
Then as i was nearing 15 years of age, after custody battles mum then dad going to court, social workers involved and so forth. The court finally agreed for me to go and live with my mum leaving my younger sister with the custody of my dad, but social workers agreed as long as sisters we would also see on weekends including me seeing my dad.
To cut the long story short, i felt the absence of my father deeply, all I really wanted was them to stay together, but yet I went to live with my mum because I felt as a woman she could relate and love me properly and more time (not saying she must not work fulltime). I was seeking attention indirectly but was not aware of this at the time, at the same time I was being slightly bullied at school, only had a few friends. The only relief I felt was knowing at the end of the day when school was over I had mums house to go to where I was now residing, felt I had a bit more freedom as before when i was living with my dad he would drop me and my younger sister to school and arrange for somebody he would pay to drop us home.
Then i would get a lot of attention from guys, especially around my mums neighbourhood, at first i would reject it, but eventually cave into the attention and started getting involve in sexual oral activities (that added to insult as they would call nasty girl and so forth… slut hoe and all sorts whenever my mother and I would go out, even when my younger sister would come for the weekend, and we'd play outside the house).
Then I hooked up with this guy I met one day from coming back from school and we exchanged numbers and got talking. The next day or two I we arranged to meet up at his friend’s house not too far from where I lived. We had sex, and unknowingly i felt pregnant, I was not aware of the morning after pill (or perhaps i was or had no idea how to go about it).
I feel pregnant, i broke the news to my mum when I was going 6 months, we went to family doctor and they said it was too late for me to have an abortion, so i had to keep the baby. Mum then told my dad, and there was a big row outside my mums house, my dad wanted me to have abortion, but i was stuck in the middle, my mum was like no way, then my dad was like your mum has ruined your like and all that nonsense. Anyway time passed and the pregnancy had been accepted ...however, the guy that got me pregnant was no where to be found.
Forward the time it has been going 10 years, my daughter is 9years old will be 10 years later this year, and is a bright intelligent girl. But I still have not managed to locate her father.... (causing me a massive void inside). I knew not much about her father when I met him only his first name and his friend I later went to like 3 years ago didn't even contact him, so I am stuck on that one.....(unresolved issue??)
My daughter has asked me and even family but all i can say is the truth I don't know where he is? i just tell my daughter he is America that one day she will seem him ( i hope so because i pray everyday with my soul and mind than God reveals him her father to me and my daughter.
I did manage to go back to college and do my GCSE'S (AS I DID NOT COMPLETE YEAR 11 because i was heavily pregnant and gave birth to my daughter around the time of exams)
I did BTEC National Diploma in e-media and then went onto university for 4 years to complete my degree as I had to repeat the final year and i got into wrong relationships which got me into smoking weed and alcoholism...so i was slipping but got back on track and am at least proud of myself that i completed my degree (third class)
Now am 25 years old woman and since i graduated I have been trying to get a job but its proving very difficult, and my younger sister 19 at least got herself together no kid, job at a retail job and past her theory test, friends she seems well rounded in character than me (but hey! don't get me wrong am happy for her and definitely not comparing).
I haven't even past my theory test, attempted 3 times and failed, no job, single mother, relationships are not working out as most men seem to just want sex and mask it up with i love you garbage, they not wanting no baggage’s (child).
In the midst of all this i developed additions, my major one is the consumption of Entrolax ( a laxative) because I have been having issues with weight since or before i started university, it started out with me just having 2 bowls of cereal in a day with 4 slices of whole meal bread in-between and going on my stepper to exercise in the morning before going to drop my daughter to school and then after university once i collect my daughter and got home.
I forgot to mention that when i got pregnant with my daughter I was still living with my mum even till now (but my mum got me a flat in 2007 so where I grew up was gone by 2008 and my mum moved into my flat, so it me my mum and daughter.
to continue with my addition, i now don't eat some days and gorge other days, taking up to 40 Entrolax tablets (laxatives) a day . My weight fluctuates from 7.12 to 8.12 stone. Like right now as i write this post am on my ridiculous fluid diet day 3 (last time I have was on Saturday 2nd February 2013 proper solid food (. Te days i don't eat I just consume fluids (not soups) drinks and beverages. Then when I’m home I do gorge on foods, I try to throw it up in the toilet, because I’ve become obsessed with weight not becoming fat (despite my parents notincing ad saying I should eat and try and add a bit of weight) I’m ok at weight 8 stone something but feel the constant need to loose weight and be slim slim….despite everything else in my life not going the way I would like it too.
I haven’t got a stable relationship, I’m 25 years old with a 9 year old child, no proper relationship with a guy, who exactly except me my daughter, just all wasted my time and got sex out of me (due to my low self esteem , that I sometimes or most of the time give the impression that I’m confident, hide behind make, well make-up and fake eyelashes which kind of make me feel better). I go toilet a lot In the night due to the Enrolax (but strange enough I feel good when all the shit comes out of me). Firstly I feel lighter, it distract me from my other pains intenal pains. But all this can get tiring, there is not 1 night I forget to take 40 tablets of laxatives Entrolax…..and I buy them 2 times a week 12x20 pack son amazon.
My mum is finally get her own life together as fancially it went doen hill for her, as in the past she had spent a lot of money raising me and my daughter, till finally she stopped workinbg in 2011 and the unemployement agency were not paying her at times, she would sometimes ask me for money out of the umployment I receive for me an dmy daughter which was a strain (however through all this I still manage and never forgot about the need to buy entrolax. My mum now go to Nigeria and recently got back but will be going back to do her own business ( u know basically trying to get herself back on her feet, and lay foundations for her children and grandchild back home in Nigeria. The time she left October 2012 I was going everyday from my flat with my daughter to spend time with my dad on weekends…then he’d sometimes do shopping for my daughter i.e. cloths and drinks and little bits and bobs we need at home, on top of that he’d give me £40.00 and my daughter £30…since he knows my financial situation that I’m not working…job seeker…bills to pay and so forth. plus where my flat is zone 6 and expensive to travel like my daughter school is in zone 3 so on a weekly bases we buy travel card worth 28 pounds between us for 2 zones….because other zones would cost my whole income being unemployed…
I also drink the days I allow myself to eat as if am treating myself ( but the problem am finding is that when I drink I find it hard to no my limits is as if I don’t want to go back to reality. Like the odd times I’d also smoke weed aswell with a male friends where I’d go to his house, he’d get drink and we’d smoke, sex me and he like almost 50 years old …he’d give me £20.00 each visit probably every once a week or 2 weeks.
The point is I realised I seem to do things to the extreme its either I eat or don’t eat and just do these my fluid diets along with my everyday consumption of entrolax. The funny thing is my dad was trying to fold laundry into my box when I came over for weekend since my mum, he found the empty entrolax and a new ordered on I bought from Amazon, one day I went out to check my flat over the Christmas period, and once I returned home to dad he talked to me and warned me against the use of entrolax and diuretics …i.e water tablets I only took briefly but what he also found in my box . Then he said threw it away…I felt so lost I only had 10 tablets that were in my purse…I felt a bit lost…like something was missing (it all made sense I’m already addicted to them).
I just feel a void inside me, can’t find my baby father …still trying (prayng) and so forth. Relationships I’ve had have not been substailly, nothing to show for it…just the loss of my sex respect…(u know what I’m talking about). The days I eat I eat, because of preous days I just take fluids, but it give me something to look forward to eat what I want without feeling guilty about it because I’ve deprived myself of solid foods on other days).
What is wrong with me? Any diagnosis? am i depressed am i trying to feel a void? What do I do? What is the cure to all this?
Thanks for you time ready…great advice given would be deeply appreciated…I have told nobody this not even a close friend because ei don’t really have one.
How can i mend myself? where do i start?