Currently I am really hating everything and I feel that I may be beyond help now as I don’t feel anything is helping as I have tried different medications and have seen a counsellor. I really don’t know what to do.
At the moment every day is getting worse as I am finding it extremely difficult to get into the early morning routine. At work every time I walk through the door I feel even worse as I hardly talk to anyone and it really hurts that I am isolating myself further and further away from people. I also feel like I don’t matter to anyone as when someone celebrates a big birthday then a collection is done and it feels like everyone gets something but me. I hate my job as I don’t feel as though I am getting challenged anymore and I am fed up with doing the same things day in day out. I also feel like I am taken for granted and have far too much to do.
Due to being off work last week I got an email telling me that I had to cover lunch for our receptionist as apparently ‘I didn’t take my turn’. I am also having to fit in getting letters finalised for the tax department, doing the daily banking and also collecting/dropping off the dx (internal mail system between offices) whilst other people just sit back chatting or make hot drinks. Apparently the director isnt happy with how long it is taking for typing to be returned and things to be signed off to go in the mail - hasnt she noticed that i am doing the best i can as i am currently the only one here. It isnt as if anyone else is offering to help me. it feels like i just cant do anything right at the moment.
I also feel that instead of people talking to me directly they will either use the phone to talk to me or send an email.
I want to try things but I think that I have already got it into my head that it will fail so it stops me from doing anything.
My partner has also given up his job on health grounds and I don’t know if he has done the right thing even though I told him that I would support him in any decision he made. I don’t want him to sit home and slip into this black hole that I am in. I just want him to be happy.
I just want to be free from all of this as I cant cope and when I am at work all I want to do is break down in tears and when I am with my partner I don’t know what to do with myself.