Loving forever

Hi,

I've only just realised that my partner of 13 years is really suffering from depression and will keep this as brief as possible.

She is an extremely strong and clever character , very loving and giving . She has suffered from Crohn's since the age of 15 ( now 42 ) she had her first operation 2 1/2 years ago which wasn't successful and at the same time she also had to have an hysterectomy because things didn't work out as planned she through herself back into work ( lawyer ) we struggled as a couple over the next 18 months she doesn't share her problems but solves others. Inevitably we ended up parting with me living one mile away and looking after the children until she returned from work. We spoke every day spent time together I even stayed over odd times. Then it was said that she had to have another opperation more bowel removed . After the operation she got phumonia and had to induced into a coma . This was not just deverstating for herself but also me as I wasn't told ( not married , and removed as next of kin ) I walked into ICU to see her in a coma it was awful no one had pre warned me what had happened. She pulled through and when she was brought home by her family they decided that I wasn't allowed to see her alone they controlled every thing she did and I wasn't allowed near the love of my life, after two weeks of this and so much frustration she told them that she was going to decide who she saw and what she did, then her mother moved out and dumped her she was also dumped by two of her brothers apparently over our relationship. But we both had suffered over this month and therefore have been finding thing more difficult.

I didn't read up on what problems she may have to deal with but I did know that she was struggling ( the operation hasn't been good she has lost nearly 3 stone and now finds it hard to eat but she still tries to work , I havnt been able to spend the time with her like we both would have liked . She has always worked away at times but it now was extended by a day here and there. She told me she felt like she needed sometime alone and I encouraged her to get away she had four days away (alone) when she returned I asked where we were at in our relationship ( I needed to know ) she only when pushed said that she felt that we had no future , not what I was expecting and I started to try and piece it all together . Now she has told me that she may be going away with our son after Christmas . I was now wanting to know what, where, why she explained that she needs to get away and she can't fight for our relationship anymore . Then it appears that some guy ex client who has always held a candle for her has offered her to go to his place ( lives abroad) for a holiday ? I have been devastated and explained what this will do to us both , she cries a lot and says she loves me and she could never love anyone the same again . I too have told her that it will break my heart , there has never at any time in our relationship been any indiscretions on any part . She says that she hasn't done anything and dosnt have any feelings for him and I have explained that this guy maybe a nice guy and a good man ( her discription ) but by just accepting to go is turning on the green light . She says she is torn and she can't see another way out of our mess . I have done all the things I feel I should I told her how much I love her and even reminded her of all the special times we have had but she can't see the light.

She is running away from her problems and knows it , she is too proud to talk to her doctor even though I've asked her to . I turned to the Internet for advice / info then I came across an article on Fight or Flight and depression . Yes she is depressed she even shows all the signs but is strong enough to put a face on for the right people. I'm afraid that she goes and in so breaks what is so special to us , then returns in to reallity and then we have a bigger problem. She says it may be the biggest mistake of her life she doesn't know .

What can I do ? I don't know how I'm going to feel I know it's breaking my heart now , I've told her that I am trying to cherish every last second I spend with her but it's killing me

I'm sorry for the length of this story but there are no short cuts in love . I have sent her the article on Fight or Flight and depression and asked her to go to see her GP but I can't do any more other than let her go away and make the biggest mistake of our lives , sorry I can take them to the airport.

Loving you forever B

9 Replies

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  • Hi

    I'm sorry you are experiencing such a lot of unhappiness over the apparent ending of the relationship with your ex-partner... It sounds as though she has an enormous amount to cope with in terms of her health problems and that she needs space from connections with your relationship perhaps because it reminds her or so much stress in the past. I guess all you can do is to let her know that you still love and want her, and that you hope some day she wants to re-establish some connection with you, but in the meantime you are going to take care of yourself. The more she can see you look after yourself the more chance there is of her perhaps trusting you again one day. She may not ever do that, but she certainly won't if you have any ongoing drugs problems, with her health problems she's be mad to take on other problems as well.

    So how can you look after yourself? Is there still a drugs issues?

    Suex

  • Hi Sue,

    I don't know where you got the impression that I have a drug problem, I have never taken any drugs apart from the ones you get from the chemist. I don't even drink alcohol and as far as looking after myself I have for the past six years of our relationship been the house husband and child carer , I've looked after our boys the youngest who is now 8 yrs old since he was 2 while my partner worked all hours. There was never anything for her to do when she came home. Children feed and bathed washing and ironing done and put away . Yes we had personal problems lots of them over her guilt of not being there for the children and I did try and understand but it's not easy with a strong minded women who loves her job and never switched off from it ( even on holiday ).

    Since I posted my initial post I have been to see her and she has been very cool towards me , I put that down to the article I sent her on Fight or Flight . She didn't mention it and I asked had she read it and she said yes , " if you think that you are going to get some men in white coats to take me away , your mistaken" was her response.I've told her that I have no intention of doing so and that I have NO rights to so as we never married . But I was expecting to be pillarized for suggesting that she was depressed ( words she has said to me over the past six months ) but for me to repeat them was wrong . I have said that what she was contemplating was running away from what needs to be fixed and it was Flight but she was not for listening . She knows how I feel about her and what she needs to do but unfortunately it is classic , she sees me as the part of the problem so I'm not allowed to comment. I left her not long after our 17 year old turned up unexpectedly to see her ( he lives with me but he loves his mum ) . She told him the same evening as me about her offer from this guy and he was not impressed, unfortunately he said something out of character for him as he was leaving " my mums a slag" not nice to hear I know and I have spoken to him. I've tried to explain to her that his reaction was because he felt as she was doing it to him. Meaning having another man .

    Yes I'll look after my self and both my older boys are very supportive .

    Regards

  • Hi

    Sorry, my mistake about the drugs, I must have been tired when I read your blog or it was a senior moment but where you said we druggies I thought you were referring to you both being drug addicts at the time! Sorry if that's wrong. I'm off out so don't have time to read more now, but later if I have the energy.

    Suex

  • Hi,

    My apologies, I have checked my post and it did say druggies this was my mistake my spell check must have inserted that for " struggled " I haven't a clue how. But neither of have been druggies or are druggies. May I thank you for your response anyway. She has now said that she will most likely go away but she is struggling with it all . I've told her that I would rather spend the next 24 days in her arms and then let her go , maybe that's selfish or is it that I love her so much I just want to take what love I can before we are broken. I can't bare the thought of her leaving even if it is for 14 days . I have even contemplated telling her that I'll wait for her and forgive her when she reruns , but that's surely saying it's ok . And then if it happens again I have to accept it. Remembering that she works away quite a lot so every time I will question if it is work or is she having days with someone else. This man doesn't live in the UK and I don't know where he lives, so meeting up isn't easy unless you travel . I don't want not to trust her, that would kill any relationship.

    Regards

  • Hi,

    I feel so sad and sick all the time, I scared that she will go . I've made my life around her and don't know what I'll do when it inevatabley happens , I've tried to talk some logic into her and asked her to get physically and mentally stronger before she makes any desitions . She just says she needs a rest and she's too tired. But she takes on more work and is struggling to keep up with it , in fact she isn't . No matter what I say or do she turns it around to suit her negativity. She has always been a giver never a taker that's why she doesn't take help from anywhere. She recognises this but cant change , and I wouldn't want her to.

    I don't know what's true , is she having a relationship with this man and just trying to hurt me a little as possible or is it that she is desperate and really seen this offer of a break as away out ( even if it is just for a couple of weeks). My gut feeling is the latter as I have no reason to question her integrity , yes men can be very possessive of their women . I have now told her that I may even forgive her when she returns but I can't promise that until I've lived through it. My fear is if she does go and she honestly doesn't have any physical relationship with him then I would always have that doubt in the back of my mind .

    We have spent hours and hours talking since she told me about the offer, she has spoken about things I've wanted to clear up for over two years, it's as though she can now because there is nothing more to loose . I've asked her why does she think we are both so upset and both of us just want to talk , she asked me why do I think it is ? I told her I believe that it's because we both love each other so much we can't let go and are both still fighting for our love, I have never known love like this before and it does get put under all the day to day running of daily life . Then when there is a chance of being lost you realise what it is you are loosing. This is what happened the day I walked into the ICU unit and saw her in an induced coma , I know that it's awful to be put in that state but to be on the outside looking in is the most heartbreaking thing you can experience . I know as I had a brother who was in a coma for 8 years but his coma never affected me as much as my partners. Loosing her would have totally devastated me, but she pulled through only to have to go through all the pain of possibly loosing her for the second time in six months.

    Lifes not fair.

    Regards

  • Hi

    It all sounds really hard for you. Life's certainly not fair, no! Have YOU been to see anyone about the relationship for example a counsellor from Relate (old marriage guidance). They charge according to your means I think. You don't need to both go and it may help you to talk on your own with someone about the relationship at this stage. You call her your partner but it sounds as though you've lived apart for some time and that she has been separating from you, it also sounds as though you've done what you can to be there for your partner but she seems to want to pull away further from you. I wonder whether it has anything to do with the operations as her self-image may have been affected, or whether perhaps the more you did the more useless and depressed she felt, and the more you need and want her the more she feels a need for space. I may be completely wrong, it's just a thought. I do think you sound very dependant upon her despite your having tried to make things easier for her, and I wonder whether she just finds it all too much. If you had someone to talk things through with then you might find that you are able to separate from the relationship and in the process you might find she is happier to have some contact in time. If not, then you will need help to grieve.

    Suex

  • Hi,

    Thanks for your reply , when I was writing that last blog I thought to myself I'm on the wrong site . I should be on some lost love site . Some of the things you say are true , I am dependent on her in love but not everything in general. I couldn't and never have been able to suggest counciling of any kind. Yes we have lived apart now for twelve months but have never parted if you know what I mean. We have seen each other every day or if not seen then at least spoken. I have only in the past 12 weeks given her the house keys back and that was me doing so over her questioning me over the accessing the messages on the house phone. We have had quite a troubled past 5 years and it was only last week she was able to talk to me about some of it , we have broken the ground but only since she told me about the offer of a holiday from this guy. So maybe now she is more comfortable to discuss it because she has an escape route.

    I'm totally confused one day she seems closer and then the next colder towards me. Like yesterday she was more receptive and she had an appointment with her physician so I asked if she would like her hair done before hand ( I was an hairdresser ) so she came round to my apartment and had some lunch with me. When she arrived she looked totally worn out and I was worried about her driving the distance plus it was our 8 year old' s school play . I suggested that I run her the hospital and pick him up on route then we could go in one car to school for the play. She agreed it made sense so we did so . But because she was so worn out she fell asleep on the way to the appointment ( I've not been allowed to go in with her for quite some time since I corrected her over something he had asked . She wasn't telling him the truth ) so I took our son for some tea and we returned to pick her up. We returned to school and when we sat down to watch the play she told me that she had been candid with the doctor and told him about the offer of a holiday, this upset me because I knew she was only telling him to see if he would let her fly and leave the country, but it was the way she told me . It was like saying I've told him all about the offer from another man , and that she told me in a school theatre full of other parents. I had to leave the room for 5 mins but returned before the plays started. This then caused a discussion back at her house when we returned. She wasn't happy with me over my reaction and I explained how I felt that she had told him , she then said that she hadn't told him everything only she had the opportunity to go away. I said " but that's not what you said to me and why couldn't you wait until we got home" we have always had disagreements after her doctors appointments it's like we both find it hard, I know she does.

    Sorry I babbling on and your right she does need space and time but she is not well enough to go away alone. the doctor has warned that he may hospitalise her as he is very concerned at this moment, she has lost 30% of her body weight and that's not very good.

    If she was bothered about her self image then she wouldn't be thinking of going away to another mans house ( abroad , don't know which country ) who as she discribes " has always held a torch for her" of which I first knew about last week so that's been hidden from me and I now question myself why . So I don't think she has issues with her body and she shouldn't I know that .

    Lastly I have at times done everything for her and all the children and I know she would have also felt smothered. But on the other hand you can't have it all ways working all hours and away with work and not expect your loved one not to smother you when they do see you.

    Thank you again

  • Hi, this is my last post then I'll log out. I think the penny has dropped today , she is going ( health permitting ) but I have told her that if the doctor tells her not to go that it's only removing her decission and if inside she really wanted to go then that will not change and I will again be left in limbo until she is well enough to go. So I have yet again pushed the issue and she fudged the answer in her usual way not a definitive YES but probably or most likely so I made her face me and say the words "yes I am going" .

    I now need to withdraw myself as I usually do in this kind of situation to go and lick my wounds until I can face the world again. I've just lost my purpose in life and have now to try and focus on something else to get me through . How I'm going to deal with having my 8year old son this weekend I don't know so near to Christmas , she wants things to stay as it was and we have no definitive days with him but help each other out and see each other as we have . I told her she maybe able to because in her eyes she is going away to help her get better , but she doesn't see that by going to another man is going to destroy me.

    So thank you for your help and yes you were right on lots of things but that will never mend my broken heart.

    Regards

  • l'm so sorry for what you are going through. lt sounds like you both love each other .lf she insists on going, you can only let her, as this move may be what she needs to see what you have -clearly - from a distance. Good luck with that.

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