After a long time struggling with my mental health I finally turned to the medical professionals for help in mid August. I was diagnosed with anxiety with depression and was quickly put onto Sertraline (25mg and up to 50mg after a week). My Doctor didn't want me to rush into anything and even noticed how apprehensive I was getting my first prescription, but I was so determined/desperate to try something after many failed attempts at helping myself before. My usual Doctor has left the GP practice, so I have just carried on with the daily 50mg of Sertraline, however I am visiting again this Friday to review the prescription with another Doctor.
I feel as though things have only gotten worse. I've been in tears every day for the last two weeks or so, my anxiety is constantly sky high. I'm getting anxiety attacks more frequently and becoming more reclusive with it. What doesn't help is that all aspects of my life aren't exactly smooth sailing, it's one thing after another. I'm constantly so stressed and it's really wearing me down recently.
I have no hobbies, I spend my time in bed passing the time with tv. I am indifferent to pretty much everything in my life. I have never had a steady friendship group whilst living in London but I have had no friends here, literally none, since Christmas last year. I have to rely on my boyfriend for all social aspects of my life and I hate that he feels guilty when he's out seeing friends and I'm at home. The Sertraline has killed off my libido completely, I can tell it's putting strain on my relationship. I'm even more apathetic than before which I didn't think possible. I reckon I make a terrible spouse at the moment. My boyfriend can't remember the last time he saw me in a good mood. He's admitted it gets him down sometimes, but insists he's not giving up on me.
Frustratingly, I'm having to repeat a year of my studies at University due to a material irregularity that was beyond my control. I don't have the funding for this repeat year either so I've appealed to have the fees waivered, which I'm still waiting to hear back about. The whole situation is confusing and stressful and it's really worn me down.
I have three weeks before I become liable for the tuition fees, so yesterday I went into a complete new class for to start my repeat year. I cried for hours on Monday night. I really didn't want to go into University that next day. In fact I left when we had our break for lunch, at first I hid in the bathroom in tears and then got a taxi home because I couldn't face the tube. There's numerous issues with my funding for this year at University, therefore I currently can't pay my rent for this month (my rent day is today) and have had to borrow money from my boyfriend to cover my basic living costs food, travel etc. Yet my anxiety has been so bad I called in sick to work today. It's a vicious circle it seems.
My family are supportive but they live an expensive three hour train journey away so I don't get to visit very often. I want nothing more than to just get away from London, see my family and forget about everything for a short while.
Worst of all, recently I can't stop thinking about suicide. I took a bath earlier thinking maybe it'll relax me and cheer me up a bit but all I could think about was how easy it would be to drown myself there and then. I never really understood before the drive to want to end ones life, but I wish so badly that I was normal and knew how to cope with everything better.
I want to get better. I finally sought out help, have been put on antidepressants and don't feel as though there have been no positive changes.