28 years of misery for nothing - Mental Health Sup...

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28 years of misery for nothing


I`m 68 and 28 years ago I left a physically and mentally abusive husband of 25 years for a man I thought was kind loving and loyal. Within 3 years he had an affair with another woman and treated me like a housekeeper for him. I was only 40 and reasonably attractive but he wouldn`t come near me. I`ve begged him over the years to talk things through and try to put things right but he refused to speak to me about anything other than what`s on telly etc. If you wonder why I stayed it was because I hoped things would get better. Ispent my wages on clothes for him and foreign holidays while he kept his hand in his pocket. He now has shares Isas a large bank account and hasn`t spent one penny on our home and has never taken me out since we got together. Iasked him many times to just take me a ten minute drive out in the country on a nice day but he would only do that if I paid for the petrol. He has ground me down until I`m now almost completely agrophobic and have no self esteem at all. Yesterday, I found out he has been having an affair for months now. I found his Gmails to and from her declaring their love for one another. Ihave been on antidepressants for 26 years now but now Ijust want to die. I have no more strength left in me. This man is 72 and teaches tai chi at Bolton and Farnworth with his mistress 5 days a week and meets her on the weekends too. He denies everything even when faced with the love letters. I`m completeley alone.

13 Replies

Hello Joan67no, somehow you must find a way of getting your old strength back so you can see a way forward.I feel for starters, it would be good if you could get in touch with Women's Aid organisation or women's Refuge, who will have experience of people in your situation and they will be able to help and offer support.

joan67no in reply to Rosepetal60

Thankyou but he doesn`t beat me, and everyone thinks he`s wonderful. He`ll help anyone except me. Not even a hug when I`m breaking my heart. For 26 years.

Rosepetal60 in reply to joan67no

I've just checked online and women's aid deal with emotional and financial abuse as well as a list of other abuse. womensaid.org.uk

I feel you should delete the name of the club where the tai chi lessons are.. And lock your post.

He's a piece of ****. Sorry for the language, but he is. Simple as that.

Can you get away from him? If he never paid anything into your house then maybe that could help with a case against him. Are you able to look into the legality of this?

I hope you do find your way out. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, love.


Bless you. You are worth more than this. We are friendly here!

Hello Joan

What a despondent story you have. I agree with what Rosepetal and your other kind replies say. You will be better away from him. Please don't think about dying you are precious but low now because of his bad, unforgivable behaviour. Could you seek help via your GP, perhaps counselling?

Sending a hug.

Hi Joan, To start with you are not to blame, It will take small steps to get to a place you will want, Start with getting out of the house, just for a walk and fresh air, each day gona different direction and see what is happening outside your home, sit on a park bench or just keep walking around your town, maybe just down the street at first bit farther and farther each time, Its a way to start, and in the beginning wear a hat or something and not worry about how you look just get out and walk, then as you find yourself doing these walks more often then try fixing your hair or going to get your nails done, But one step at a time, you will find your smile outside, Im praying for you

Hello Joan, I'm a 73 year old man who has been married now for just 51 years and I can tell you this my wife deserves a bucket full of medals for putting up with me but that's by the by as it were. When I read your post I was both very moved and very very angry, no man has the right to treat a woman like your husband has treated you and now the time has come for you to put one of his shoes on one of your feet. Some have suggested that you take advice and I concur with that but I would suggest you take advice from a solicitor, remember this you are in a long term relationship so what's yours is his and most importantly what his is yours, well half of it is. So my love, if he won't look after you you must look out for yourself, so grab yourself a bucket load of courage and go for it and turn your life around, it's never to late and your never to old.

Sincerely, Pete.

Hello Joan I just had to reply to your post. First of all you are not alone now as there are lots of caring and supportive friends on here who know what it feel like to want to give up.

Firstly you need to realise what a strong and brave lady you are. You had the strength to walk away from one bad man and you still have that strength inside you. I may have been erroded but it has not gone.

This man and the previous one are completely unworthy of a woman like you . They are not going to change and they just drag you further down. Trt to staycalm and positive, and weigh up your options.

Do you have friends of family you could go to for help and support?

What do you have in the way of money to keep you?

Do you own or part own your home? ( in which case you have some financial security.

Make a descision, however hard, and stick to it. Its not easy, I know because I have been there but the feeling you get when you are completely free of the person that is dragging you down and independent is worth the effort. The reality is, things will not change unless you change them. If I can , you can.

Keep in touch, I am here


I'm a bit confused, sorry! Have you stayed in a relationship with this man for 28 years even though he's cheating on you and doesn't provide you with any financial support, emotional support or any affection?

Rosepetal60 in reply to tofler

If you read the post again, (I read it through 3 times,), you will see Joan has explained her own thoughts on why she stayed. Perhaps you could visualise how it could be. There was a similar story on tv recently showing a husband writing notes to his wife instead of speaking to her and she ( in the story ) had put up with it for 28 years.

oh no hope you're okay joan let that mango (get it? fruit.)

You didn't deserve the crap you've been through with men...OK so you have a bit of a faulty picker..I just shared your story with my mum..she's the same age as you. we both agree you can still have a life. .you've just got to get out. You an build a new life for yourself with friends for support.I feel you could help women going through issues you've faced. you have valuable experience and it's not too late.Don't give up. .give yourself a chance 😊

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