This is the first time ever that I have signed up to a site like this and the first time I have really decided to explain myself in detail. Actually wrong, the first time I have had the opportunity to explain myself without a time frame (ie. friends having to go to work, credit running out on phone or CBT person only having a half hour slot).
I don't really know where to start. Recent events have brought on my depression again and it's that bad I have only just taken sick leave from work because of it because a symptom is 'taking it out on customers' which I have done recently and it is totally out of character for me. As I write this, my head feels like it is going to pop and my face feels like it's drooping. Does that make sense? Right now I think this first post is going to go on forever so I ask that, if you're still reading up to this point that you please continue. I will eventually say something that will trigger you to carry on or even consider asking a question.
I don't want people to say "stay strong" or the typical "you'll feel better soon". Yes maybe I will. I'm not taking any antidepressants because simply I can't be bothered. I suppose there is a part of me that is doing so because when I tell someone it will attract attention maybe? Is that what I'm doing? Trying to attract attention? I suppose yes and want it so badly I'll say anything to get that, but at the same time I don't want people to worry because they'll think less of me or worry without really needing to.
I've been feeling low for a very long time, I guess towards the end of my 20s. I'm 32 now and have nothing really to show for it. I still feel and act like I'm 18 or maybe younger. There are so many reasons for this and seriously this post will just go on and on. Because I haven't been able to explain myself properly. I guess eventually I'll get to the past which as we all know is meant to stay in the past, but really, because I'm still affected by the past, that the past is still here in my present. I really don't see myself doing anything major in the future because the past seems to want to control my future and I cannot, I really cannot see any way of stopping this. The talks I have had at CBT were good enough for the 'moment' I had whilst there, but then I had to wait a week to talk about 'last week' and all the guy did and could really do was give me a sheet of paper to work out what was wrong, when it happened so seven days later I could talk about it again and go deeper into the problem I was trying to get out of at that exact 'moment' in the present.
I've got this far without really giving anything away as to what my problems are, but as I said, I've not been able to explain anything with the means I had to do so. So, I've babbled. I guess I'll wait till my next post to go into some more detail. But I don't know where to start. From the past or in the present....