still lost in the dark places

Lately I have been trying to remember how it felt like before i felt like this. When i was 19 i had a nervous break down... I thought it was like having a broken leg and doctors would fix me. Twenty years later im still a mess. Sure it hasnt always been tragic and sad but the good times seem to have been very short lived. Sometimes my fault, or my brains fault... and then theres life... and all the other things that come with it that become difficult to deal with when u r already feeling.... unwell.

Theres no one and nothing left. I managed to push everyone away, abandoned a job that paid reasonably well not realizing the difficulties i would encounter to get a job when the world has changed so much and unless u r, or pretend to b, "amazing there r so many more people out there after the same exact thing.

Doctors and the health care system in general have been pretty unhelpful and have just put me off, several times, from getting further help. Friends and partners get scared when u start acting crazy. I suppose it is not easy to b around someone who has no past to b talked about, no family, no long term friends...

Everyday I get up, have a shower, get dressed and act as if im ok... and inside i wish i was strong enough to put an end to all of this. But i dont want to b an inconvenient, and i dont really want to make my mother and brother upset, even though i havent seen them in over ten years.

I dont believe in god, or the devil, or that life starts at 40..., but occasionally i pray to fall asleep and not waking up.

I dont know where im going with this... I dont have any questions or answers right now. Im sorry. But I can barely keep myself going.

2 Replies

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  • Please talk to your GP, Angel, if you are going through the same uncertainty and depression is affecting you, take advice from the doctor and there may be some way to make yourself better

    Always around for a chat

    BOB

  • Hello Angel, again

    If you had a depression when 19 and now you are feeling so low talk to your GP He is there to help you and arrange a course of treatment

    Remember you have an illness that you have had in the past, so hopefully the GP may arrange CBT so you can talk out your problems

    We are always here to chat

    BOB

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