Well I basically am on the cusp of being fired from my job. There is two parts of my job performance. One I am very good with -and the other I have been doing a poor job. So if I do get fired you won't hear me saying I didn't deserve it. However the reason why I have been doing such a poor job is related to my depression. I called the employment board and they might be able to help me. I qualify for more benefits if I am fired for mental health problems than if I just was lazy.
This morning my boss was very angry with me and I just remained neutral and emotionless. He asked me if it did not register with me about how poorly I have been at my job. And I still said nothing. I mean what can I say?
My depression has been really on the forefront lately. I am finding it hard to take care of basic things like brushing my hair and teeth. If I am going to see my partner I will always look good. And most evenings at work I am nothing to really complain about. It is only me that I know of that notices I struggle with basic things like eating, doing dishes, and just basic self care things.
Part of me wants to be fired just because I work a split shift- every morning - every night - six days a week. And part of me does not want to be fired because I get paid well and my life really feels defined by my job- there is certain aspects that would hurt me so much to loose. I never intended to do a bad job. My home has started to become untidy, because all I want to do between my morning and evening shift is sleep.
I cleaned out all my stuff at work today. I carried my box home just kind of indifferent to the whole thing. Part of me is just thankful whatever decision will be made is out of my control. I will feel relief if I am fired and relief if I am not fired. So hard to explain.
When my boss says how awful a certain aspect of my job has been done- I am not going to agree. And I don't want to make excuses. I really don't even know what I want. Does anyone relate to how I feel?