So i feel i have no where else to turn and maybe this is the safest place to talk,not alot of people understand..
So the title pretty much explains where im going with this post
Living with manic depression is extremely hard to deal with, i cant find any medication that suits me. Ill be ok for a week or so then BAM..im sure my hormones have alot to do with it to. But when this happens, i become so emotional, extremely sensitive,aggressive,tearful and not a very nice person to be around. I seem to take everything the wrong way. I become paranoid,jealous,so hateful,all these old memories that upset me come flooding back,and im surrounded by all these bad thoughts and feelings,my body becomes like a dead weight,and all i want to do is die...of course, no one wants to be around me when im like this, but this is when i really need someone..but by this time ive told everyone i love, that i hate them and that i want nothing to do with them and there all conspiring against me.
Now theres a part of me that can see how crazy that sounds, but there is clearly a part of me that believes it. Do you have any idea how soul destroying it is not to know the difference between reality and your own madness. (Well im hoping some of you will otherwise im going to feel really alone lol) But the doctors will say im sane because i can see that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it? Also it makes it very easy for my (ex)partner or family to manipulate a situation and say its me, im overreacting,its in my head, im crazy. Its not fair..
Im so caught up in 2 minds,that they all dont care, but there is a small part that thinks maybe im wrong but never lasts for long then its back to u dont care...round and round and round. I cannot hold down any form of relationship..nor can i keep 1 frame of mind for longer than a week or so.
Also i have M.E, this makes you fatigued,exhausted,weak,muscle pain,back pain
...the symptoms are actually never ending so thats a brief idea. This means my quality of life right now is extremely poor..Im in ALOT of pain every day. Getting to the toilet is a struggle..what makes it worse is that im only 28.. i became extremely ill 2 years ago after taking amitriptyline. I personally believe it has given me toxic polyneuropathy, but my doctors wont help me. And ive been to ill to do anything about,well i dont no what to do. I cant get to the doctors much because i am so ill. They wont give me the tests i ask for.. and i dont have the money to go private. Ive been without heating, food, all because i didnt have the strength to get to the shops. my life is hell!
what is even sadder is that i have a beautiful daughter,she is 8. she doesnt live with me since i became ill after the amitriptylene. My mum has been looking after her, and i dont like it. I want my baby back..but i know i cant give her the life she needs. I can barely dress myself..
So...basically i would like to end my life, i cant be a mother anymore, i have no quality of life, the only time i go out is to struggle to get some food, i cant get on with anyone,no one seems to understand me, no doctors want to help me..whats the point?