I can't decide to stay with my boyfriend or not

I'm 37 and have suffered with anxiety and depression for 10 years. I got into a relationship 8 months ago with a guy eho thought I was too fat and used me. Eventually when I lost the weight we dated and all I saw was a future with him. I failed to see the other stuff. I feel he wasn't affectionate he didn't want to hold my hand or kiss when intimate and the intimate part was all about him not me. It came to a point that I got depressed and said you aren't doing anything to me and I felt ugly. I mean if this guy loves me why wouldn't he want to do things that made me happy in the bedroom. I'm sorry this is an overshare I need advise. I am so distraught I told him I needed a break 3 weeks ago and I still can't figure it out. The back and forth has pretty much ruined things anyway. Bec of my anxiety and low self esteem I cannot make a decision and stick with it I don't want to be alone. Now my family hates him since I told them my personal business but I had no one to turn too. I don't know what to do I'm a mess can someone respond

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  • Hi Butterfly.

    It's not an overshare. Pause and take a breath. You aren't a mess. It's really difficult in situations like this to gain any distance, the emotions are so strong it's difficult to keep perspective. Everyone finds these things difficult.

    Ultimately, only you can decide what to do. But that said, my opinion - and I say this as a guy - is that your boyfriend doesn't deserve you. Why would you have to lose weight to date him? If he likes you, he likes you, size has nothing to do with it. In my experience, if you love someone you tend to think they look beautiful no matter what they look like, because they shine with what's inside them, not what's external.

    "I mean if this guy loves me why wouldn't he want to do things that made me happy in the bedroom" - You've nailed it in one. It he's only interested in himself he doesn't really love you. He's using you. In a proper relationship it's not about one or the other, but both of you. Is it worth being with him when he damages your self-image so much?

    What worries you about being single?

    Themys

  • I lost the weight and thine I was good enough to date. But after dating I saw it was one sided. I suffer from extreme low self esteem anxiety and I think copendency. While dating 8 months there was talk of marriage and engagement all things I really want yet when I sat back and looked at the big picture I thought well he doesn't want to kiss me he doesn't care about pleasing me and yes I did feel used even though he said it's not personal he's just not affectionate and doesn't like to do those things. Sex on occasion. Now after all this I moved back to my apartment 3 weeks ago and he said take a break but the break has been nothing but a mess bec he still contacts me said he would make changes and makes me feel bad that I'm not around bec all he has is his dog no friends. I don't have many either but I know my old friends are starting to talk to me again. I'm afraid to be alone bec I just don't like it I feel lonely I feel depressed. I can't let go. Fear of being alone is really a big problem. I need to fix myself though and love me before anything and I've yet to get to that point bec this just ruined me. I left some stuff at his place and he keeps telling me to come and get it but I don't need the stuff and 2 I really don't want to see him.

  • Hi Butterfly no he doesn't sound like a great boyfriend. A partner

    In a healthy relationship should never make a relationship conditional. If you loose weight , I will date you, if someone lovess you what's with a few lbs.

    There are two separate decisions your low self esteem and your

    Boyfriend who doesn't make you happy.

    You can work on the self esteem and gain confidence because

    If your confidence is so low , you are at risk of getting into

    Another bad relationship.

    Take time out and work on yourself as it seems your boyfriend

    Is just thinking of himself. So. The ball is in your court , but

    He certainly does not sound the guy of your dreams.

    Hannah

  • My low self esteem is a big issue, and it seems I pick the wrong men. I need help changing and fixing it. When he used me and said he wasn't attracted to me a year ago and he would only come over my place for something was a disgrace. After I lost the weight and looked good I don't know why I still wanted to be with him anyone else would have said take a walk. Now I saw him last night he kissed me a few times and I don't feel the same. I told him I still needed time to think because I have a problem letting go and panic but deep down I think I know my answer. To work on me in therapy twice a week and try to love myself

  • You Go Girl!

  • Now he said he will touch me more and kiss me like he did last night. I'm not sure I feel it though now I feel different

  • Also he feels I'm too attached to my family. My sister and nephews live 2 hrs from him but 1 hr from my apt. I enjoy socializing and being with them yet he said he would only go every 3 months. Am I too attached to my family they are all I have that love me unconditionally. He said you need to make your own family.

  • Personnally I'd see the fact that he wants to reduce the amount of time you spend with your family as a potentially worrying sign. Some controlling/manipulative people like to keep partners away from their friends & family because they know those friends/family will point out where they are being controlled & mistreated.

    I've never understood why people get into relationships & then try to change the other person. If they are not what you want then why be with them? He wants to be with you but want's to change you or he expects you to change to make yourself what, better or more appealing for him? In my (albeit limited) experience of love that is conditional & isn't a lasting kind.

    Be strong girl, try to do what is best for you. Not with a view of today but with a view to tomorrow, next week, next year.

  • He puts far too many conditions on your relationship. It shouldn't have any. It's up to you who you see. It seems like he's very controlling. You like spending time with your family and they support you. That's all that should be relevant.

    I know he's said he'll work on things, but you fins out who people are by what they do, not what they say, Words are cheap, choices and actions show you what people really think. What he's done is insist you lose weight before he'll date you, say he won't visit your family even though they're important to you, won't look after your needs in the bedroom, and won't go to counselling. I think that says he's only looking out for number one.

    I don't think he deserves you.

  • Don't listen to him. Everyone needs their family. If you leave your family because this guy wants you to, you will regret it.

    I'm sorry but he sounds controlling and manipulative.

    People don't change, Butterfly. He will kiss you in bed and be loving for a while, but that will begin to fade because it doesn't sound like it's in his nature to be a lover in the bedroom.

    He never should have called you fat. I fear that you will pull away from your family simply because he is asking you to. I'm thinking, why wouldn't you after you lost weight for him?

    Please be strong and don't give in to him. You feel your family are all you have, so don't push them away. He won't be there for you when you need him, and if you don't have your family either then you will feel lost with no one to go to.

    I just got away from a guy like the one you are describing. It's like they don't care about our sexual needs, they only care about getting their own result which is selfish and crappy of them. It infuriates me! Guys like this see sex as an act, but it's not, it's an expression of love. That's what's missing from today's culture and society. People are too good at using one another.

    I'm sorry but you must stand your ground with him. I'm not saying you have to leave him (I think you should but I know you're scared of being alone because I was too), but you need to set your own rules and boundaries. Examples:

    - Don't have sex with him unless you can get what you want out of it. You shouldn't have to think like this in a relationship but clearly you do. Ask him to give you oral sex before intercourse. If he refuses then you simply don't have sex with him. (Warn him about this before he gets turned on otherwise he will get angry and frustrated! so that's an important part).

    - See your family as often as you want. If he complains, just tell him sternly that you will never stop seeing them because they are a big part of your life and you love them. If he carries on, turn it around so he looks like the evil one. Ask him why he would want you to give up something you care about. Tell him it would make you unhappy to see them less and he shouldn't wish that on you.

    - Cuddle up to him when you want just don't over-do it coz then he has a reason to pull away from you. Leave him be for a while and then half way through a film cuddle him but make sure you're not clinging on to him, if he brushes you off just leave and go home. This part of any relationship is important. We like our comfort and there's no reason why a guy should deny us it, it's a part of being in love and helps to bond you.

    That's my advice. I know it's hard to be strong when you love the person (trust me, I've been there), but it really is important that you show your presence otherwise he will walk all over you, Huni. Please don't let him do that.

    Much love xx

  • Couldn't agree more, well said

  • Thank you this was very empowering. I know he doesn't like oral sex first off, he did it once. He said he didn't have a problem with me going to visit my family (they live an hour from me and 2 hrs from home) he said he would go every 3 months. Unless it was a birthday or holiday. I took a 2 week break from him. He said he used to like to kiss and doesn't have much experience in the bedroom. He said he kissed when he was younger. And he's too old for that now he's 31. He doesn't like it but is willing to do it more often. I've always been the one to get broken up with so this is hard for me. My last boyfriend walked out on me 3 years ago I came home to an empty apartment. That was very devastating. Back to this bf though in the beginning he said I was too overweight didn't call me fat but like I said he would ask me to take pics of my butt to see if it got smaller this was back last February. I asked him today if he truly loved me and he said yes he does. Well if a super model approached him and wanted to kiss him or get oral sex I'm wondering if he would say no. This is how I feel now. It's sad.

  • Who doesn't like kissing?? That's where the passion comes into sex, otherwise it's just an act to receive an orgasm. You're never too old for kissing, he's just making an excuse, and a pathetic one at that. He needs to grow up, he's 31 for Christ's sake!

    I'm gonna be hard on you and say it's your choice if you believe he will change and be more affectionate. I don't think he will. People don't change unless they make that decision for themselves. He can't force himself to be passionate if it's not in his core, which it sounds like it's not.

    I've always been the one to get dumped too so I can understand how you feel. You always fear that the next boyfriend will dump you too and I know the insecurity and anxiety that thought brings. But you MUST stop being afraid of this.

    I am single right now and all I can say is, THANK GOD!! Men can be such pains in the bum! They need to be chased up and reminded to do things (at least in my experience) and it's just complete hassle.

    Oh my gosh, he asked you to take pics to see if you were losing weight? How utterly degrading! Men like this are controlling and disgusting and I would slap him if he were in front of me right now for making you feel so weak and bad about yourself! He ain't worth a second look in my opinion, Darling.

    You are wondering if he would give oral sex to a supermodel?

    Ok, most women worry their man will leave them for a supermodel, it's the TV and photo-shopped pics that make us feel this way. He will never realistically have that opportunity so push that thought right out of your head coz he's not ever gonna receive that offer!

    But if you are anxious he would leave you for an every day woman then you are probably right. We have these fears for a reason, sometimes because someone else has put them in our heads or because we have this nagging feeling at the pits of out stomach because we know the truth deep down but our hearts just won't let us believe it.

    I think you should get out of this relationship. He is controlling and cruel. He got you to lose weight and now he is telling you things he knows you want to hear. Why did he say you spent too much time with your family if all of a sudden he's ok with it? He is telling you he's ok with it now that you are confronting him.

    Men are good at knowing what women want. And my theory is that they think promises are made to be broken. A man needs to work hard to win my affection now. I expect to be let down so that when he actually keeps a promise I am amazed and decide to give him a chance.

    Don't "please" him again. Tell him he can call for a prostitute or deal with it his own hand because you deserve more. You confronted him about the kissing and about your family, which means there is strength in there, Butterfly! I can feel it. The fact you are talking to us means you know he ain't right. None of us have the strength to leave the one we love as soon as we sense something is wrong, I couldn't but I did eventually. It took me months to build up the courage. But I did it, and I know you can too. You are stronger than you think you are, you just need to let it build before you can leave this waster.

    Much love xx

  • Wow. You are a breath of fresh air, I think you are my new favourite poster?...postee?...postperson?....person-who-posts-stuff. You don't beat around the bush & are direct & to the point. I for one like & respect that, please do keep putting your thoughts on here as they make a lot of sense and I love the I-can't-believe-she-said-that comments :)

  • Haha thank you. I just can't stand it when people try to control others. It's not easy walking away once you're in there. Sometimes you need someone else to point out the obvious to you. I have to be careful not to offend anyone or make them feel worse! Coz that's the last I want so being direct is risky but can give those who need it a kick up the behind. I'd do it for any friend who was being messed around.

  • Oh I know it aint easy walking away from a relationship that is damaging to you. Can be very difficult even after people point out the bleeding obvious, or maybe that's just me lol.

    And just so you know...all women are hard work :D

    ...now before all the women in the room castrate me...I never said it was bad work, after all the hardest work is the most worthwhile work & the most satisfying :)

  • Haha you saved yourself there :p. Yeah we are hard work. I know all my ex's thought that about me. I change my mind a lot and sometimes deliberately wind the guy up just for fun (But I always make up for it later with a snuggle :) ). You do have a point about hard work. My ex was hard work, could just never stick to the bloody things he said he would do. Why is that so hard for men? Some have good intentions but just can't follow through.

    I'm not a man hater btw. I think men are great. Good laughs in the workplace and can be loyal friends who get you through hard times, I wish I had a guy best friend. But knowing me I'd end up falling in love with him so it's prob best sticking to female friends haha. Maybe when my head is straight I can have a boyfriend again and a male friend :).

    Do you have anyone yourself?

  • Yeah saved myself. Sometimes like to dig a little hole for myself just to see if I can get out of it, just for s**ts & giggles lol. Obviously nothing too insulting or too bad

    Yep I have a gf, been together 3 years.

    Not sure why we don't always stick to things we say, so long as we do the more important things then I guess it's ok?

    Sounds like what you want is a gay best friend, that way you can talk about guys & go shoe shopping so a boyfriend doesn't have to. Actually now I think of it all straight guys need a gay best friend so someone can do the shopping with the girlfriend. Now there's an idea, a website for straight men to find a gay friend for shopping trips...

  • They don't always do the important things either...

    What does it take for a guy to stay with a girl? For as long as 3 years like you have? What is so special about your gf if you don't mind me asking?

    I gave my ex everything I had to offer. Why wasn't it enough? He stood me up and has never spoken to me again. How can he do that after saying he loved me? I can't seem to understand that which means I haven't let him go completely yet.

  • To want to change, I love what you had to say please keep posting you are really helping me. See I know I have issues I have anxiety low self esteem I get depressed and lonely. And I fear at 37 I'm old even tho I look 27 I fear no one will accept me as I am I am working on fixing myself. I went to a coda group and I have a therapist 2 times a week. I feel bad bec with all that's happened I forgave him. I lost the weight also for myself what he didn't in the beginning was wrong and he knows it. I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up. I feel bad he lost his job in oct and it kinda got him depressed. I in turn stressed over future kids marriage etc how can we do any of that if he didn't get a job. Idk he is fine with giving me my 2 week break. I do miss him he said he misses me when I'm normal. And when he doesn't have to give me constant reassurance. I know I have issues which I'm working. I am just scared to give up on him without trying to see if things would be different

  • I am glad you are working on your co-dependency issues. It seems you both have issues and this sort of scenario is just playing it all out for you really. I guess you know that in the end the only way to get better is to work on yourself without this

    relationship (or one like it); but it is a scary prospect of course and very hard so don't beat yourself up too much if you are not able to do it yet.

    I think you may be in a bit of a panic at the moment because of course you know what is happening; he is not good for you but you too are needy so both playing your part.

    I do hope that you get enough support (in the longterm as it could take a while) to help you through all these issues that you have;

    Behind the "relationship problem" is the low self esteem and insecure ways of relating , and then behind all that will be the REASONS for all this which eventually you will need to get to if you are to feel better within yourself and have better relationships including close relationships.

    Having said that baby steps. You have to do things when you have the strength and when you are ready and I for one would never criticise you for any decisions you make as I understand that you are just trying to manage as well as you can with how things are for you right now and it is not easy being in that situation.

    . Gemmalouise X

  • I am working on fixing myself too. I have relationship issues to work through. When a guy gets to know me he thinks, Jesus Christ she is hard work. I do and say stupid things that leave people exasperated at times. I know that when I first meet a guy, I reel him in because I am pretty and smart and appear confident and happy. It's when the emotional stuff kicks in that I don't make any sense to the guy and I do childish things like walk away without saying anything because I don't know how to say what I want to in the moment. I need to work on acting more like an adult.

    Don't stress over future things because these things may not even come to pass... "Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated" - Confucius. I really believe this, I did it to myself often in my previous relationship.

    Losing a job can stress anyone, especially in hard financial times. But you shouldn't ever feel sorry for your partner. You are not there to feel sorry for him, you are there to be a pillar of strength during hard times. It's like feeling sorry for an abandoned puppy, Caesar Milan says never adopt an animal because you feel sorry for it. Animals sense weakness and pity is weakness.

    He's fine with giving you the 2 week break because he ain't stupid, Darling. He knows you are missing him and he knows you'll go running back if he gives you this time to miss and pine for him. He knows what he is doing.

    Misses you when you are normal? What the hell does that mean? Is he referring to your anxiety and depression?

    How long have you been with him?

  • Yes because I got depressed in February and I think it stemmed from me trying to help him seek work and he didn't want to look outside of his current temp job, his dad even called his uncle to help him and gave him his uncles number and he never called. He is very shy also and dependent. I tried to encourage and push him. But he would say enough I don't want to talk about it. I was a puppy dog I think he loved his dog more than me for real. I give to mUch and say to much when I meet a guy. I need to sew my lips shut. And I give up my friends not that I have a lot and fam meaning hanging out with them. I listened to everything he said. I cooked dinner I made his lunch made the bed cleaned his apartment weekends I'd go out and get his a sandwich. Served him lunch dinner, I'm just wondering what I got out of this. Nothing but companionship. Ok he would hug me then when the dog barked he would stop the dog slept with us too. Kiss just a peck before leaving work and a peck coming home, I like holding hands and he fought me in that too, saying he's not that type of guy, he's not affectionate but shows it in different ways. What buying me things for birthday and xmas? I'm starting to come to the realization that I want to change yes I have anxiety and I'm dedicated to working on. My self esteem with therapy. And coda.. I read a lot and come in here, can't seem to get myself out of the house though which I gotta push myself.

  • Yeah, I give too much as well. I don't know if you have read any of my past posts but I give men my heart. That's what causes us to get hurt. You can only get hurt so many times before you switch off completely.

    Never do anything for a guy unless he is doing things back. Only clean his flat ONCE to make a statement that it's gross and never do it again if he doesn't get the hint. I'd only be tempted to clean a guy's flat if I was staying there a lot.

    He never showed affection to you at all. Kissing and holding hands are vital I think. If a guy can't give you that then what's the point? A guy could have all the money in the world but it wouldn't mean anything to me if he was emotionally guarded and controlling. That's why I stopped seeing the recent guy I was dating.

    I think you're realising your issues run deeper, it's about more than just a guy. About feeling secure in yourself. Being confident and loving yourself. Self-love is the hardest love to give. It's about being content with yourself. I'm closer to that now than I have ever been. And to be honest, I'm terrified of heading the opposite way again. I don't want to hate myself the way I did before I started taking medication and I'm terrified the doctor will take me off it. If that happens I will fight to stay on it. Maybe it's me who has changed and not the medication that is making me feel better. But either way, I'm not gonna risk coming off it lol.

    That's what it's about - fighting. You can fight for your own happiness. I'm not even sure you love this guy, do you think you do? Lust is different from love (I think many men confuse these two feelings), and love is different from infatuation. Maybe you are infatuated instead of truly in love?

    I'm sure you know the answers. It sounds like you are getting your head straight about this xx

  • I'm on medicine too and I don't know that it's helping me. But since I got out of the situation I am starting to feel better. I did love him I gave him my all. I always do I make this mistake often and my problem is I talk to much I tell them how I feel etc. it's like I never learned the rules of playing hard to get. I am taking it one day at a time. Reading posting on here and it's been helping me a lot to have people relate to me. I want to love myself and have self respect. And once I get there I don't want to let a man make me go backwards that's right we have to keep fighting for our happiness. I don't think he ever loved me I was convenient, easy and did everything not expecting anything in return or when I did expect it caused an argument, I think I'm pretty I may need to grow and mature which I'm working on not sure how this all works but I'm trying to change.

  • Yeah, I gave my ex my all too. I didn't exactly rush to tell him I loved him but I guess I fell harder than he did.

    There is nothing wrong with telling them how you feel. But maybe next time don't tell the guy so soon? Maybe wait until you think he has similar feelings for you. Because if he doesn't he will either run for the hills or he will see an opportunity to manipulate you if he's the devil in disguise.

    You just need to learn to put up your guard. Having defences up isn't a bad thing... It just means the guy has to work to bring them down.

    Yes, one day at a time is exactly the way to think of it. I find when I think too far ahead I feel depressed and overwhelmed. That's great you're trying. Keep on trying because you will get there.

    So have you actually broken up with him? How did he take it?

  • We are on a break for 2 weeks ever since I went over there last Tuesday and he made me dinner but after wanted to kiss and etc. I was not feeling it bec it feels fake

  • Yeah there's no point in going back to him if it feels fake for you. You're heart clearly isn't in it any longer. He only has himself to blame. Maybe he will learn from his mistakes and treat the next girl a little better...

  • Thank you for posting. I'm having a hard time today with anxiety. I started getting depressed in February, when u moved back to my apartment 3/31 I started to feel better. I told him I need a two week break on Tuesday now today is the car show in the city we talked about it for months and he wants to go. I opened the lines of communication because I went to that coda meeting on Thursday and I texted him I really missed him. I know in my head I need to let go it's just so hard. Anyway I told him I'm not feeling well. So I'm. It going. It's so odd I used to do everything for him I ran over his apartment in a flash and pretty much listened to anything he said because I'm very indecisive he has apologized for making me feel bad about not kissing etc. and he was willing to work on it. But something is holding me back. I sleep a lot and I am trying to get better and feel good about myself and if I get involved with any man I am hoping that I can change to the point of demanding respect and not being walked all over. This is not easy. I'm a good person I'm not perfect. I just wanted to share that I'm still unsure what to do and it's causing me worse anxiety.

  • I think you know what to do. You just can't take the leap.

    I promise you that when you take that leap you will feel better. Of course you will miss him and it will feel like you've been stabbed in the heart, I miss my ex every day and it still goes round in my head. I don't understand how he could just give up what we had. But we need to accept it when our partners are no longer interested.

    If you leave him on your own terms you will feel empowered. You will feel proud that you finally did right by yourself. You have no idea yet how amazing that feeling is. I feel it right now. Every few days I long to get in touch with my ex. I still love him and can't let go just yet. But every time I get through the day without being weak I feel both proud for staying strong and relieved I protected myself from a situation that would surely lead to me getting hurt.

    Your unsure feelings will manifest into the final decision. I feel confident that you will make the decision to leave him. Maybe this two week break will make the leap easier for you... And then he will either tell you he doesn't want you to leave him or he will walk away with an uncaring manner. Both of these reactions will be hard to bear, but not any harder than what you're going through now.

    Take care xx

  • This is unfortunately an anlienation tactic. When they believe you spend too much time with your family and you start backing off from family, they win, they have control..hen they target your friends next. In the end, you only have them and that's how they want it. Stick with your family.

  • Question for you.i went over his house yesterday and he made me dinner which was a first actually second the other time was on my birthday. After all that we ate on the couch I was getting ready to leave and he kissed me which I told everyone he was against doing bec he didn't like it and he wanted to fool around. I don't feel it though bec I feel like he's just horny and wants me to please him. I can't make up my mind

  • I reckon your over thinking it all now. The only reasons your unsure is that you don't like being on your own & that because of your age you think that you might not be able to find someone else. Well that isn't true. If you are happy to settle for someone that will be selfish from time to time & will not give you want you want or need as often as you'd like then stay with him & make a life with him. Doesn't sound much to me that you want to be togther but perhaps because you (incorrectly) feel you have limited options you are considering staying together.

    Question, what advice would you give someone else in the same postion as you?

  • Yes I agree I'm afraid to be alone and I'm afraid I'll never fix my self esteem to find someone that will treat me right. I would tell the other person to get out and you deserve better

  • If you didn't have a self esteem issue do you think you'd have this problem about staying together or not?

    Is it possible for you to work on your self esteem?

    Did you notice that you said about finding someone to treat you right, meaning that you know he doesn't?

  • Hi Butterfly

    I reckon you already know the answer for what you should do but it's not what you want to do. What you want is to stay with him & for him to realise that he could lose you and to suddenly become a great guy & treat you how you want to be treated. But you know that's not going to happen. He sounds selfish & isn't going to change. It seems to me the choice open to you is to either stay with him & find a way to accept how he is (although the chances of him one day in the future walking away is a definite possibility - actually more than a possibility I'd go so far as to say it's guaranteed) or you walk away from him.

    We all know the second one is what's best for you in the long term but it's very difficult to do that. Believe me I know. Sometimes the people that mistreat us the most are the people we really want to be with if only they could treat us well.

    All I can suggest is don't settle for second best. If he doesn't treat you as an equal then he isn't your equal & deserves to be told to sod off. If you are able to do that then my second suggestion would be to focus on yourself a little and find ways to improve your anxiety & self esteem issues.

    Good luck

    James

  • What makes you think he would leave me in the future?

  • Apologies if this comes across as being a bit blunt....

    Because he is selfish & doesn't care about you. He may not even love you. Therefore the chances of him deciding that he doesn't want to be with you are very high. Even if he didn't can you see a content future with him? I guess if you could answer that positively then you wouldn't be on here asking for help/advice.

    The most difficult thing to do is not leaving him now. The most difficult thing to do will be to stay with him & then have to pick up the pieces in "X" amount of time when you or he ends it messily. Staying together would be putting things off for a year, 2 years, or maybe 10 years or more but it will happen & be far more difficult then. And in the mean time you'll continue to feel unloved & unwanted which will hurt your anxiety/self esteem and make things so much more difficult to deal with.

    Can I ask, you want better from a relationship what makes you think you cannot achieve that elsewhere?

  • Hi

    I am sorry you are struggling with knowing what to do. My first thought was what kind of man would think you were too fat if he found you attractive! That sounds pretty nasty or controlling, especially when you then lost weight and he then chose to date with you. I agree, from what you say it does sound as if he used you sexually which is quite sad. I don't know whether you have a history of having been used in that way, but you say you don't want to be alone and I wonder whether you would prefer to be with anyone rather than no-one. If so then that will make you ripe for being treated as a weak victim sexually and emotionally and suggests you are quite insecure in yourself, that you do not have much confidence. You said you told him you needed a break but still can't figure the relationship - I wonder whether you would benefit from seeing someone from Relate if you do think there is a possibility of having a good relationship with him - but from what you write it seems you felt used and that your needs were disregarded and so I wonder why you might want such a relationship, other than to avoid loneliness which is no reason to let yourself be used. You say your family hates him now which suggests they want what is best for you, do you feel they understand you and enable you to feel good generally or do they get over-involved in your life or in other ways leave you feeling uncertain - I can't tell from what you write.

    Nobody can tell you whether to go back into the relationship but I would suggest that if you go back without understanding what has been going on and without things changing on both sides then you will end feeling as bad about yourself as you did before.

    Would your ex be willing to go to Relate with you?? If he would then that does suggest there may be a future for you together. If he will not then he can't want things to work out in a way that makes you happy as well as him and it would suggest he is really quite selfish. Only you know what he is really like.

    Suex

  • I'm not sure what relate is? My family sees the same patterns of me being treated badly due to my low self esteem. I asked my bf to go to counseling he said no. I went to see him last night and he kissed me but I don't feel anything now but I do feel bad to hurt him. My fear of being alone is that I'm 37 and it's very hard to change my ways. I tend to give to much and put my needs aside. I don't even want sex with him because I'm just turned off. I want to stop the pattern and change and truly love myself and have self respect it's just so hard and scary. My family wants to see me happy so do my friends but they say I need time to change love myself before getting involved.

  • Relate is the old marriage guidance council but they see people about relationship difficulties - either on their own or with a partner. They charge according to means so you should not have to pay more than you can afford though it will not be totally free because paying at least something is a test of your motivation.

    I agree absolutely with your friends, but you need help to feel good about yourself. If your boyfriend will not go to counselling why do you not go alone and sort yourself out - your GP could refer you or you could go to Relate on your own.

    Suex

  • I'm in therapy Twice a week now. I saw my bf the other day and told him how I felt he said the weight issue a year ago is ancient history. He also said he would work more on the intimacy. He kissed me too. I'm not sure I feel the same for him now it's difficult because I don't want to leave unsure that my feelings may change or he may work on things as he says. I just have a lot of work to do I feel now with myself.

  • You are in twice weekly therapy - that's great! It's nice that your boyfriend is still around, perhaps you could tell him that you are dealing with your own issues and he could maybe do the same, then you could both see whether there is any potential for a relationship between you or not. Suex

  • He wants to work things out and said he would do more. I think what's best is to break up and really try to change myself I'm 37 and I haven't been able to yet it's scary. That's my fears how do I love me ans not be treated badly

  • Good for you, as your self esteem improves you will be able to judge whether you rally want to be with someone who only wants you when you have lost weight. Suex

  • Hey butterfly,You are you,if he does not like YOU show him the door.You know what the WINDOW! Big is beautiful some of the finest pieces of art have AMAZING big! WOMAN IN THEM.PEOPLE CAN BE SO JUDGEMENTAL it is a terrible part of life but noone needs to be around or with someone like that.Take it easyx

  • To give an update Well I wanted to try with him since I was with him 8 months and I went over to his place yesterday and he wanted to fool around to show he would be affectionate I wasn't ready. We overall had a nice day but today is Mother's Day my mom passed away 13 years ago so it's hard for me, he has been talking sexual all day on text he's asked me numerous time to come over and I told him I wasn't feeling well. I then asked do you want me to come over bec you want to see me or because your horny sorry for the overshare. He said go be honest both it's been months. I said well I need go take things slow. I said I think it's disrespectful and not the way to my heart. Now he says he thinks it's best we both move on that I deserve better. So tell me was I just good for sex and pleasing him after all this time

  • Butterfly,

    I'm sorry that you were upset yesterday and to be honest if he was a thoughtful, kind person who really cared about you he would want to be there to support you and would be sensitive to how you are feeling. That is what you deserve. Be proud of yourself for being strong and asking him for what you need. He just doesn't want to or can't meet your emotional needs. You have to make your own decision about what you want to do but I know what I think.

    Sarah. Xxx

  • I'm at a point were I'm pretty much done. This guy never cared about me all he wanted was one thing, he didn't give a crap about me or my needs it's very apparent. Anyone normal would have been trying to get me back not begging for sex. And asking me to go to him because he doesn't want to leave his dog alone. He cares more about the dog than anyone. I need to smarten up toughen up love me with some help.

  • Butterfly if he is like you describe now think what he will be like in future.

  • Hi Butterfly,

    Please don't apologise for asking for help. May I say that I have been in a relationship where the partner made me feel less than worthy and that I was the one that had all of the problems. I eventually left but the damage was done. It took a long time to pick myself up from this. If you are questioning your decision on wether to stay or leave then the relationship is not in a good place. No one can tell you which way to go as it has to be your decision but ask yourself where you would like to be in 5, 10 or even 20 years from now and is he in the picture. Does he make you happy or does he make you feel worse? These are all the things I didn't think about and wish I had. I hope this hasn't made things more confusing. Good luck whichever way you go.

  • Wow first let me say something you're Beautiful inside out no matter what ok don't let some doosh let you think you are ugly swamp creatures are ugly. From the sounds of it tbh if u say he uses you ... and you really think he does dont make exscuses in you're head "it might change" walk away .

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