Hi this is odd i'm on this site because i never thought i would be here but i don't know if i'm just going crazy or what but i'm not myself. i thought i dealt with depression a long time ago in my early 20s, i'm 26 now and to give a bit of background i attempted my life on 2 occasion in my earlier years, i suppose i went in a depressed state. i was molested at 6 years old but never spoke on it, i got bullied a bit but who doesn't? I later suffered 2 miscarriages, one at 20 and the other at 22, i never felt pain like that before i sometimes to this day can get so upset like it happened to me yesterday. i'm shaking as i type because i never speak on certain things i go through much. A couple years ago i was raped by someone i trusted but i never reported him because i didn't think anyone would believe me and to be honest i shouldn't have put myself in a situation where it ended up happening but now i'm back to being really low. I thought i had stopped self harming but recently i somehow ended up cutting my arms and thighs when i got overly emotional.
I worry am bipolar i looked at symptoms and i seems to have had these same symptoms for the past few months intensely and when i think back to a few things in my past it also makes more sense. But i have been coping day to day going to work but inside i'm not ok. I spoke to my doctor who's put me on Citalopram and i'm seeing if this works but he also wants me to go to therapy.
Im so sorry this is so long but has anyone else suffered this?
I think i just passed a "mania faze" like being really positive and over thinking so many thoughts quickly, i had all these new ideas and plans, my emotions were so intense when i was angry it was times 100, i was spending a bit and i thought i was seeing dark shadows i don't know. But now i'm currently extremely low, i lost interest in practically everything i do, i only get up to go work because i have to, i have no desire to do anything. I cry often, drink often at night. My sleep pattern is completely off, i'm always waking up in the middle of the night and i'm just tired even when i've slept all day. The second i open my eyes i feel low and already want the day to be over. I am struggling to complete anything, simple task i usually do have now become struggles and i don't know if i am being paranoid but i think people are either doing things to upset me or get at me. I also at times forget if i have done something or not but i would be convinced i have as dumb as it sounds like i would be sure i opened the window but then moments later its closed and i don't remember closing it or if i even opened it? I don't know whats happening to me? Please someone help. Im afraid to tell my doctor everything because i do not want to get put away in a mental home.
I hope you don't mind this post and I am sending you a bit hug today along with this message!!
I definitely don't thing you should tell yourself you have bi-polar or anything else. If your GP had thought that you had bi-polar they would have given you something stronger than Citalopram. (I have a friend who has bi-polar and her meds are really strong and she DOES have to be admitted to a Psychiatric ward every now and again and she has a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who comes to see her every week. I also feel highs and lows in my life the way you described but there is no way I am bi-polar.
It looks to me as though you have had a load of crap in your life NOT caused by you but DONE to you by others. Your experiences when you were very young and then again when you talked about rape. Sometimes as you get older these things need to be Let Out. I think your GP needs to refer you to someone for Counselling on a regular basis. You need to talk and talk and talk and then you may feel better. You have done nothing wrong and have been the one who has suffered for it. Stop bottling it up and talk about it now!! It may be hard at first (and it is) but once you start you may find you will not want to stop. (Something similar happened to me and for years all I wanted was for someone to tell me that it was "OK" for me to feel the way I did - and when I got that "permission" my life did look better). You need to tell yourself this is YOUR life and you deserve it to be a good one!! Don't let these ghosts of your past haunt you for the rest of your life. You could miss out on so much if you do.
I won't go on and on for fear I sound like I am preaching to you but if you could do yourself one BIG favour. Please stop drinking (and especially at night). This is the reason you are not sleeping and as we all know when you don't sleep well, even the smallest problems look huge because you are too tired to cope with them. A few good nights sleep (without alcohol) will do you the world of good. (How do I know this? Because I have experienced this too.. White Wine every night before sleep - It did me more harm than good and by the way Citalopram should not be mixed with alcohol as you are defeating the purpose of taking the pill in the first place)....Have a Camomile Tea instead!! Tastes rotten at first but it is an accquired taste and is so much better for you!!
The reason I have written so much to you is because I was in a similar situation. Can I just say, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve to be here. Make the most of your life. Why don't you make another appointment to see your GP. Start talking and don't hold back..!!
Lots of love to you!
Take care!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
PS. I actually had to get help with my alcohol and if this is the case for you too, then there is no shame in looking for help there. The majority of my friends now are non-drinkers...AA was not for me, but there are other places of help!! XXXXXXXXXXXXX
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