Advise needed....my head is too full of me!

Hi All,

So most of you will know my past with my ex and what went on etc.

Well we have been seeing a bit of each other again but i keep just letting everything build up then i tell him i dont think we should carry on.

The main issue is that i dont hear off him till about 10pm at night. Now this allows me time to start to let all the negitive thoughts come in and i start to think, hes obviously not that bothered if he cant find a min to text me in the day.

He says he too busy to text me in work, then he cant text me on his dinner, then he goes to the gym.

So yeah i understand not being able to text in work hours and while working out at the gym, but to me that he cant find a min between these things just bothers me. Then all the doubt starts to set in and before long im in a state where i have to finish it before i let him take the piss out of me again, imagine what everyone would say "i told you so" "why did you bother going back to him again". i just cant stand the fact he might be just not as bothered as me.

to me his words dont match his actions, when im with him he says all the right things like he wants to see me more and be back with me properly but as soon as i dont hear off him i just think omg hes taking the piss out of me again, hes obvs just leading me on, he doesnt really want all this. feel like im pathetically waiting around for him to contact me.

He asked me out right if he cant text me in the day does this mean i dont want to continue seeing him any more?

i guess what im asking is, is the fact that not hearing off him makes me anxious and not happy a reason to not continue with him?

it seems a silly reason when i think about it but i cant help how i feel. Yes i understand im insecure because of whats happened but i think what kind of relationship is not hearing off someone regularly?

would really appreciate everyones opinions because im really in a jam now :(

thanks eveyone xxx

12 Replies

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  • Actually you are the only person who can really decide if you want to carry on. If you drew up a list of pros and cons I suspect the con side would probably be longer but that still doesn't mean that stopping would be the right thing.

    You do need to get to a place where you can trust him, without needing texts all the time though. There are so many reasons other than leading you on that can make it difficult to text. I generally text my boyfriend every morning but I nearly missed out this morning because I just got caught up in other things - doesn't mean I love him any less.

    If you don't manage to find a way of dealing with the text thing it will destroy the relationship at some point.

  • Hello :) thank you so much for taking time to read and reply! Yes I agree (from past experience) that the cons would be longer, infact i cant think of a pro =/ thats bad isnt it. This is why i posted becuase im conflicted between whether its all my issue (being insecure) and im being stupid to throw away a relationship because of it or im right to feel the way i do and if someone is bothered they want to speak to you.

    I understand that yeah sometimes you do get caught up in things and your mind is somewhere else, happens to me at work but then id be like....ooooo ill go sneak off to send a message i need to send.

    But I agree I do think i need help in regards to not NEEDING to hear all the time.

  • he says he cant organise stuff with me because i keep spazzing out every week and im not giving it a chance (because i get to scared) so then we spend the week discussing things.

    We have sat down and discussed things loads and he says all the right things to me and he keeps reasuring me and saying to give it a chance, he is persistant and i dont no if he would be that persistant if he really wasnt that fussed because it must be a fair bit of effort having to deal with my spazzy moments.

    i do so want to give it a go and see what happens but i am so scared to incase he isnt as bothered of just chnages his mind or he is just using me

    i agree with what you said that i need to trust him otherwise its not going to work....but then i cant leave it long engough for that to develop!

    i am a spaz :( x

  • I suppose the answer lies in whether he is choosing not to text you, or whether he physically can't. I'm not allowed to use my phone in work, but if I really want or need to make contact with someone, I grab a chance during my break or lunch. I can't help thinking that he's using this as some kind of torture. He knows you suffer from anxiety, and he also knows that a simple text would make you feel so much better. What would be interesting woud be to have a look if he has text anyone else during his working day. I guess that opens up a whole can of worms with regards trust and things, and you may not like what you discover.

  • He insits that he cannot use his phone in work, because he is so busy and sits near his boss. and on his lunch he walks to the shop with his mates where he can relax for a bit.

    Im not suppose to text when im in work but when i know i cant, id go and do it in the toilet if i needed to quickly.

    he says he doesnt text anyone else till he gets home (after the gym). now im the same if im busy with my mates but if it was him i would make the effort between the gym and on lunch etc. So thats why i feel like hes not bothered because i know i can if i need to.

  • Well lush_ for what it is worth here is my opinion.

    Having read the thread of your messages over the past few months my advice would be to let this relationship go, with avengeance.

    I am guessing there is some very real "passion" there (there has to be a reason why you keep seeing him?). No doubt there is a "connection" to keep you tied in; however I would suggest that this is clearly not enough; and that you know this but are reluctant to let go; I believe that you only see this as a valuable connection as you have low self esteem and are prepared to take crumbs; and also I believe that you may not like or you may even be afraid of being alone.

    Being alone takes work and courage but it will not be never-ending ,as if you work on yourself during this time and play the "long game" in the long run you will end up feeling better about yourself and with a better partner.

    At the end of the day you will make your own decisions when you are good and ready and if you want to of course no-one is stopping you from continuing with this for as long as you decide to.

    . Relationships are on the whole supposed to make you feel better if anything and I can clearly see that you get distressed every time you get involved with him again.

    Please bear in mind you asked for advice. This is just my advice and opinion bearing in mind what you have said about it and I am sure that within yourself you know the truth of the matter and will act at some point.

    Gemmalouise

  • I agree with what you are saying here

  • Hello :) thank you for your advise and i pretty much agree with everything you have said. there is a connection between us but i dont no what it is. i dont particularly enjoy spending time with him, i dont have fun and feel when i laugh its fake and i do it so he thinks i am having fun and he will not think im miserable or something.the "passion" is the best thing i guess, again i dont no why i feel like that towards him as i dont think he is that attractive!

    i was fine being on my own really, nothing to worry about etc (i do have worries about NEVER finding someone though)

    I do feel distressed when im back involved with him, its horrible but i cant seem to get rid of him. He wont let it go, i wish he would for my sake. Like he said the other day "i thought i ment more to you than that" in responce to me wanting to finish it over him not texting me.

    Hes manipulative in that way.

    i just wanted to see if people thought i was being stupid to let someone i love go all because i dont hear off him.

  • You find it hard to finish it because you want him to agree to finish it as you feel bad telling that person to "go away"; just incase something good or worthwhile will come of it or because you are worried you would never get anyone better .

    He may be immature, or troubled and/or just not a very nice person. The "passion" is keeping you hanging on in but you know in your heart that its not real as you need a true passion for your whole self not this stop/start rubbish you're getting off him.

    You can either finish it (but you have to be determined) or wait for things to get so bad (which they will) that you can actually really throw that at him and give you a better reason within yourself to finish it (ie. it will have got so bad, even for you as a nice person who doesn't have much self confidence that you will just have to end it AGAIN !!)

    But it will come around.

    Being on your own isn't that bad, and you will find someone really nice if you can just be on your own for a bit and don't hanker after this loser!!

    Gemmalouise

  • Yes this is all true, i couldnt finish my long term boyfriend (5 years ago) even though i knew i didnt love him anymore just in case! i waiting for a year (gradually) for him to do it!!

    I always start out determined but then he wont leave it until ive changed my mind. i dont no what i can do anymore. I will proberly end up doing the latter but dont want to get in the depressed state i was a year ago. cos i know even if he does something else i dont like, he will justify it then ill be the bad person for ending it over a "silly reason".

    I shouldnt of let him back in my life, i was loving being in control though as he was the one regreting what he had done and i was being horrible and he was letting me!

    i feel that power slipping already....

    x

  • Hi Zoe thanks for being so open about your problems. I agree with Gambit that

    It can be easy to forget to text your partner and it does not necessarily mean

    That the errant non texter is a bad person and so on.

    Having got to know you a bit I will say this. You are the only one who knows

    Your limits and how much stress and unhappiness you are willing to put up with.

    You will have to start listening to your own inner Zoe, What do you feel about

    What's going on? I don't think you are happy with this situation or otherwise

    You would not need to hear anyone else's opinion.

    I do know how you feel as I was like you to a certain extent when I was much younger.

    I grew up in a dysfunctional family and even though I was bright and doing well

    Academically , my self esteem was non existent and it was much later that I learned

    The hard way. I did not seem to know what was acceptable and what was non acceptable in a relationship. I let myself be treated badly. When I think about it

    Now I realise I was lucky and went for therapy and started to value myself and

    Listen to how I felt. I don't want to hijack your post by talking about me.

    I am trying to get you to think about this relationship , the fact that it causes you

    Such anxiety is not good. If this man realised that you were a bit insecure surely

    He could boost your confidence by texting you. Realistically I don't believe he has

    No time, No he just doesn't bother. I feel if you want to be treated well that this

    Relationship is not the one to provide that . What are you getting from this

    Relationship .? Sex ok that's fine, if that's what you want. But if you want someone

    Who is willing to have a life affirming adult loving relationship, he doesn't sound

    Like the one. Now I'm not totally writing him off as a so and so , you too have a choice

    In you going along with his modus operandi.

    Sorry to go on so long but I feel that until you start feeling better about yourself

    And valuing the bright gorgeous woman you are, that this dilemma is going to repeat

    Itself next month and maybe two months later.

    Zoe there are only two ways to go here: You either accept the status quo and be

    Happy with anxiety and worry about the texts you will never get. Be happy knowing

    Deep down that this relationship or liaison does not make you feel good about yourself.

    The second way is to listen to your inner voice and stop listen to him preying on your

    Insecurities. If I could advise you at all I would say get rid of him as a potential

    Partner and I don't think that being friends would work.

    Zoe I know it's easy for me to give advice now that I am older, I just wish

    Someone could have sat me down in my twenties and given me some advice.

    Love and hugs and sorry for the length of he sermon

    Hannah

  • No your right im not happy with the situation :( but im stuck whether its all my problem or his or a bit of both or what ever.

    I think that’s the problem with me deep down I don’t know what a proper relationship should be like….and I put up with relationships that are like the one with my dad, where im worried and anxious and scared.

    What type of therapy did you have? I really need to go and Sue suggested Psychodynamic which when ive read up on it, does seem like the best for me. I just cant see how anyone could ever make me any better or make me think about myself in a different way.

    Well that’s my argument, he has his own insecurities to do with men from my past or in general and I did my best to help him and prevent any worry or arguments. But he cant do this for me – he says hes not doing it to be a tw@t or cos he doesn’t want to, hes adamant that he cant.

    Yeah I guess that’s all I feel like I am getting at the moment, we do have a great sex life and did when we was together but that makes me uncomfortable…I worry what if hes using me or that’s all we have in common? I don’t think he shows me any affection unless its before sex, ive said this too him and he said he does and he shows it as much as I do….i guess I don’t because im scared hes not going to return it. Hes not an overly touchy feely person anyway where as I am and I was fine with that when we was together because I knew he loved me.

    I agree with you that it will repeat its self, I did meet a lovely lad a few weeks back and id decided to break it off with my ex, we went on a date and we had such a laugh and he texted me and was worried if I didn’t text back, I think someone like that could make me happy, hes just a lovely person and I think about him a lot and worry im going to miss my chance with him while im clinging on to my ex….i don’t even no why I want to be with my ex, I cant say once nice thing about him. What's wrong with me!!!!!!!

    I really appreciate everything you have wrote, you speak a lot of sense and its all kind of reaffirmed everything I thought anyway. Even if it is my fault, it doesn’t make me happy….he doesn’t get that and I don’t think I can handle it being my fault and then hes got me to blame it on.

    xxx

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