Advice please

Hi , Iv just joined today after looking thru endless amounts of information ... I am in an utter state , I have been depressed for years .. My Mum died 11 months ago , My wonderful daughter left home , I moved into a new flat that I hate ..

I am so lonely and isolated , I have suicidal thorts everyday , Iv been to my gp telling me after 6 weeks of yet another pill , they are not helping !!

Iv been refered for counselling , what do i do in the meantime???

I cant sleep , eat , function ... just wanna die , but it would kill my daughter .. Any advise would be great ,

Thank you Sharon xx

18 Replies

  • Hello Sharon, welcome to the forum!

    I'm not surprised you feel the way you do, you have had a lot of loss / change and I'm so sorry to hear about it. I know waits for counselling are frustrating and difficult,. Have you thought of keeping a diary of how you are feeling? Good and bad things to bring to the sessions, and maybe put down ideas of what you think you need to work on, and also the strengths you have / who / what helps give you comfort. That way you will feel in 'control' or 'working' on something. People on this forum are v supportive and you can float some ideas here.

    While you are waiting are there any support groups locally you can use? There usually are, or perhaps getting involved in just one hobby or walking group, something that interests you.

    Remember feeling suicidal does not mean you want to kill yourself, it's expressing your pain and frustration, but then you don't need me to tell you that! We have all been there! What interests you? What gives you relief?

    Is your medication actually working? I feel like a book pusher, but I've advised a couple of people to get depression, the curse of the strong by Dr Tim Cantopher, the reason I recommend it every 5 mins isn't because I've got shares, it's because it's amazing, the best mental health related book I have ever read, and I have read a lot.

    Does that help at all to think about? Xxxxx

  • Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me it means alot . xx I was/am talking Lofepramine 70mg 2 daily , they dont help and the side effect are aweful , so my gp told me to cut down to 1 daily for a week or so to stop them , I must admit I am in a panic , I have never not taken pills for 20 years. I have 14 days of sleeping pills , taken 2 and they dont work either. I cry all day I change from desperate depression to thumping the walls and cutting myself. The lonlieness it painful I have few family members and most dont understand I get the "pull yourself together" comments, Argghhh to that!!! I detest living alone its making me worse. I am waiting for 2 app with various ppl but I am not sure talking helps ..

    Life is not worth living at the mo and I am finding it a real struggle .


  • No problem, happy to listen. its v scary after taking the tablets for so long to stop them as its unknown territory, but they aren't working and need changing. Has your gp a plan? The difficulty worth sleeping tablets is long term use makes the problem worse.. Sounds like your depression is quite agitated, hence the banging walls / cutting. Banging and cutting are what you are using just to get by and express your frustration, I hear that loud and clear, but I'm sure you might like to do something more positive for yourself? Any thoughts?

    What do you think would help - if you had a magic wand and life would be as you want it - what would life look like? Xx

  • Hi again Hopetobe .and thanks for the reply ...

    Ah if i had a magic wand I would bring my Mum back to life , keep my daughter at home and not feel worthless , unloved , lonely and at times terrified.

    My gp's new plan is to see another proffesional but I am not sure , talking does not help me , we all know we need to be strong , positive , fight the depression but we also know the days come when we lie in bed and cry , begging for sleep , help or sadly and end to "this" life and pain.

    Grief is all consuming , living alone is something i am worried I will never get used too , I hate it so much ,

    I know the sleeping pill are not helping , tossing and turning all night is aweful , finally falling asleep and then waking up to "OMG not another day of this"

    I would love some pills to help me but sadly they dont. I really am very lost and low ,

    Hugs xxx

  • Hi, and welcome. You'll really enjoy posting on here and you'll find people helpful and kind. I'm really sorry that youre having such a crap time. Do you get to see yor daughter much since she moved out? Do you have friends you could invite round to help decorate your new place? Feelings that you want to die are very real and very frightening. Please hang on to the fact that you won't feel like this forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise x

  • I'm so sorry about your mum, life is cruel, and for your daughter to be out of the horse is hard too. It was interesting you describe feelings of how you don't want to be as oopposed to what you want. What do you want, apart from obviously those two people which is outside your control..

    For example, I hated my job and had lots of people in my life who were not good for me, there were practical things I needed to do to sort the house / make me feel better and positive people I wanted to be around. So I focused, evaluated my work skills, got a new job, made plans to see people I find really positive, and have not gone out of my way to see the others.

    Maybe you don't want to live alone- so how can you change it? What about volunteering? I think your gp is right, what about some work with your local mental health team to practically help you make some changes as you seem to be 'stuck' which is really unpleasant for you. What so you think?

    And if your mood is 'stuck' as well your gp will want a psychiatrists view.

    You don't have to talk if you don't want to but what about some practical goal setting help to move on? That may help a lot. Something has to 'give' for you xxxx

  • Hi Sharon, i have also just joined tonight as viewed your message and felt i had to respond, although i'm not living alone i feel in a similar situation to you i lost my mum Aug 2012 and my dad Jan 2013 i have no children or siblings and often wonder how i get through the days, my mums death was so unexpected and i break my heart every single day, even though i am 47 yrs old i am totally lost with-out her, my thoughts are if i wasn't here my partner of many years would be suffering as i am and i think in your situation your daughter would be the same and it's the love for them that keeps us here, regarding your state of depression i have a cousin who was suffering with severe depression, thoughts of suicide and just not coping and after discussions with social services they decided that he could have an assistant who would come to the house for 3 hours a day even though he lives with his mum, this was so that he could be helped to gain confidence and support to try and help with his situation, now i know that not everyone would be entitled to this sort of support but until you ask you don't know and the difference in him now after only a short time is amazing, she has brought him back to life and i really believed we had lost him for good. It sounds like you really need some positive support and trust me i know families are not always the best people to turn to when feeling like this as for me they just seem to all be getting on with there lives and can't understand why you should still be in this state,i've surprised myself sending this message as to be honest i really don't do things like this but until you know there are others suffering the same you feel like the only one. I read that " you don't know how strong you are until strong is all you've got" and for me it's so true, i really hope you get the help you need but please be assured you are not alone. Much Love Soncy XXX

  • Hi

    It sounds as though the grief about loss of your mum has triggered feelings from earlier periods in your life and that you are now experiencing abandonment distress which is making your entire life feel worthless rather than you just crying with missing your mum. I don't know whether that makes any sense to you? Perhaps there were earlier times in your life when your mum was not able to be there for you or when you felt separation anxiety and that those feeling were never really understood by anyone? I don't know whether that makes sense to you, but if it does then you will be experiencing distress with the intensity of a child's feelings - I know from personal experience how painful abandonment distress is, how it takes away all feelings of life having meaning. Clearly your mum was very important to you and it must hurt so much that she is no longer there - you need to cry MORE about that and not less - I wonder whether it is difficult for you to really cry with the pain of losing her because you feel she left you when you still needed her. I don't know how she died, whether it was peaceful or traumatic, of natural causes or an accident or prolonged illness, but those things will all make a difference to how easy it is for you to let her go. The difficulty you have in doing that does suggest you have needs that were unmet by her from earlier times in your life and feelings about those times is getting in the way of your mourning - talking about those earlier times will help you to process your mother's death in a way that talking about her loss now within your adult life may not.

    I hope that may make some sense to you and that you manage to move on in your grief.


  • Hi Sue and thanks for the reply ,

    Alot of what you said is true , I was close to my Mam all my life , she was diagnosed with Dementia ? Althzimers at the ages of 60 and died 68. In the end she died from refusing food and water I was with her till the end. I do feel lost and alone I dont blame her , My daughter left home and for the first time I am alone and I hate it , I am so lonely and in pain from the loss of my Mam ,, I just dont know what to do , Pills dont help , I will attend my appointments but I am very unsure ..

    Love Sharon xxx

  • Hi Sharon

    It must have been hard for you to see your mum decline in that way but it's good that you don't blame her, it wasn't her fault. But being alone is obviously hard for you - as it's hard for us all - and you need to share that pain. Hopefully you will feel able to talk with the counsellor, if you don't then do go back and ask to be referred to a specialist bereavement counsellor as it's much harder to shift grief once it's been around for a long time - I know that from personal experience! I hope things go well at the sessions, do let us all know if you feel able to.


  • Hi Soncy , thank you for the reply .

    I am your age almost , loosing my Mam is one of the hardest things I have had to cope with ,I say cope I am NOT. She was my best friend , her love was flawless she made me smile everyday ,, I miss her so much it breaks my heart, She was a wonderful woman who never judged me and ever with her serious dementia she never forgot me and always told me she loved me .

    My daughter of 24 left home to live about 20 mins drive away , we are so close but I dont see her as much as I would like too.

    When I fall asleep and thats rare I wake up to an empty house , no one to talk to or hug , I always knew I would never be any good on my own but I didnt ever think it would be this terrible , its hell if iam honest ,,

    GP support is pills , more pills then if they dont work stop them. I have started to have such deep dark thoughts of ending my life it worries me , my daughter knows but I feel ashamed and I dont want to worry her .

    I have 2 friends , each of them with their own problems , they do help but not alot and I dont mean that to sound bad.

    I always knew loneliness was going to be bad but I never thort it would be this bad , I HATE it. All i so is cry and feel angry then I feel like a waste of space .I am just so unhappy and lonely,

    Hugs Sharon xxx

  • Hi Sharon i do understand how you are feeling, my mum was 20 when she had me and i loved the fact that we had a lot of years ahead of us, but when she lost her mum i knew the effect it had on her and she spoke about her every single day in fact when my grandma passed away i really believed my mum would follow her, i now know the pain she felt and it is real pain, something the cleaner said to me on the hospital ward my mum was on she said you can have a 1000 dads but only one mum and at the time i thought it was really insensitive but it's so true, please try to ask for support in your area or at least contact social services for advice, like i explained about my cousin when he returned home to his mums he was like a zombie through the meds they had put him on in Plymouth and the our GP cut them down straight away but now he's decided to come off them altogether and thats the best thing ever for him, the girl who comes to the house only does general things with him like shopping, appointments, or whatever he needs but the difference in his mental state is amazing. The other thing i wanted to ask is are you allowed a pet in your flat, the reason i ask is my mum had a puppy and i have had to take her on but she really has done me a world of good as some days i would not leave the house if i didn't have to but Pepsi needs walking and she has helped a lot and i know people may think fancy telling her to get a bloody dog but honestly Sharon she has been a blessing so maybe something else to think about if your landlord allows it. Please try and stay strong and i am thinking of you.

    Much Love Soncy XXX

  • HI Soncy

    Thanks for the reply ...

    Im having a bad day today , spoke to one of my friends who told me she has just found out her dad has terminal cancer .. bring things all back to me , I miss and cry for my Mam everyday I just want to hug her and tell her I love her so much. I am so lonely tonight knowing that when ever I go to bed I wont sleep and will wake up tomorrow thinking here we go again another struggle . I am so sad

    I have 2 cats , I hear what you say about a puppy but at the mo I dont have the interest or energy, I got weighed today and Iv lost over a stone and a half.

    All I see in my future is lonlieness and depression and its slowly killing me

    Hugs xx

  • Hi Sharon i think when i initially lost my mum people thought i was doing really well but the fact is i had my dad to consider and i sort of went into auto pilot, he was diagnosed 7 weeks after mum died with advanced lung cancer and the consultant had to tell us twice as he thought we didn't understand what he was telling dad and i , but i explained to him that nothing could hurt us more than we already were, now my dad's gone they tell me i kept it in and it's all coming out now but i can tell you that's not the case and i still sleep with my mums nightshirt folded on my pillow, i try not to think too far ahead as it's not good for either of us, i really can't imagine years without my mum but when i go to the cemetery on a w/end i tell my mum the same thing that i was not built to break as she was the strongest, bravest woman i knew and the same goes for you keep telling yourself i know it sounds bonkers and some days even when saying it i am sobbing but i trust that one day we will look back and think i am stronger than i knew as we did get through.

    Much Love Soncy XXX

  • Hey Soncy

    Ah life is hard . Thank you much for your advise and compassion . I do try to think day to day , I know my Mam has gone and I have to live with it everyday, I never have been close to my Dad although I know he misses my Mam alot. Sometimes I get so worried as I think all I want to feel better is a hug , her voice her smell , Its getting worse for me not better and its comming up to a year on 18th June.

    I go to Mam's grave often but it upsets me , I have no belief in God so I take no comfort from "seeing her again". I am so lonely without her, I know she would hate to see me like this but when depression and loss takes a hold of you its a hard struggle to even get out of bed. I dont work. So my days are long and boring. I have a sister, she works and it helps her but she and my Mam where not as close. When you want the one person you cant have to make things better its hell. Add to that hating where I live and not sleeping or eating and its a mess.]

    I am deeply sorry for your loss , People think we should cope and get on with it but its so hard.

    At the moment i feel numb and I think thats better than feeling despair . I am tired too I really can not think of a future ,lonely on my own till I die , terrifies me .

    Hugs Honey xxxx

  • Hi Sharon just to ask does your daughter really know how bad your feeling ? is there no way you could spend the odd night at her house, just until you are feeling a little stronger ? i've got to admit it really upsets me going to the cemetery every week but i'm hoping i will get better as time goes on, i know what you mean regarding trying to remember there smell, i have my mum's bag on my dressing table chair and often open it and try and smell it as some-how it reminds me of her, i know if people could see me doing this they would think i had lost the plot but it is comforting and i'm passed caring what other's think, i also keep having flashbacks which are really upsetting, today i had gone upstairs to get something and ended up in the bathroom almost hysterical but something calms me down and i can only think it's my mum, when you said you needed a hug a few weeks ago i thought if only i could have a hug off my mum and that night i had a dream and she gave me the biggest hug which she always did, on leaving the house it was always a big bear hug and know sooner had i got home the phone would be ringing, ! but god knows i wish it was bloody ringing now, i take comfort that you and others know how i feel but life has got to get better for us and i don't know how but i have to believe that. Please take care and honestly Sharon you are not alone. Much Love Soncy XXX

  • Hi Soncy

    I am alone , My daughter knows but has serious OCD and will not offer me a roof or even a few nights at hers, The isolation I feel is controlling me , Im always in tears I see no point in life. I am such an utter mess and its getting harder everyday to cope .

    Sharon xxx

  • Hi Sharon i sometimes think people seem to turn there back rather than help someone who really needs it as they don't know how to handle it, i have noticed whilst walking the dog i have bumped into a long time family friend of my mums who knew mum had passed away but i know she dreaded speaking to me and i was the one telling her not to be upset, the same thing happened with my school friend i could see her face as i approached her and i feel bad for them ! i wish i could work it out as i seem to be the one holding everyone at arms length and not accepting there calls but i don't want to inflict my misery on them and every time i hear a friendly voice it really upsets me, please Sharon ask for help from your GP or at least speak to Adult Service's Social Care Team as it's not right that you have to feel like this alone, and even though you may feel what's the point there is nothing to lose but just a little support from somewhere may make all the difference and that is what they are there for, if you get no joy from your GP change to another and tell them it's not just pills you need but real help, they may even suggest some short term stay in a unit to receive some therapy, i know most towns have a Mental Health Care Unit where you should be able to visit a few times a week where you will meet with others in the same position if you don't want to stay in, but please at least ask what help is available. Please let me know how you get on.

    Much Love Soncy XXX

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