Destroying all that I love

I was 20 years old when I was told I had less than 1 percent chance of ever having a baby. It was hard but I came to terms along time ago. My life became amazing last year and I started a relationship with who I can describe as only THE ONE! My partner already has a three year old boy who I grew a incredible bond with. I changed my life and took on more responsibilities that I never had before. It was hard at times but I was so happy. Two months ago my partner came off the pill as it was effecting her badly. I went to get checked just for her peace and mind with the nhs, to make sure that my (should I say) little swimmers were still not swimming? The doctor told me that they could not do the tests under this hospital, but he could give me an examination as he has seen most cases over the years. Basically after some awkward fumbling, No sign of damage to my testicals! To be frank, time and mother nature has its own unique way of sorting out problems was what i got told! Shock two came a month or so later. "Im pregnant!" she said. I as in shock and sad to say the first thing I thought was, she had been cheating on me. Of course this did not go down well and huge arguments came. It took a while and I have to admit it, it always was niggling in the back of my mind. Without being told for definite by the doctor, I started to look at things differently and it snowballed. Why is she on her phone at this time? Has the bed moved whilst i have been at work? Why has she gone so cold towards me? She does not want to be intimate. Sad to say I became possessive and jealous, I took it out on the one I loved as I started to think, I knew this was all too good to be true! I started to realise that there was no conspiracy and that I was looking for anything to prove to myself that my fears were true. I then started to see it as a miracle that I was going to be a dad for the first time myself. Then the next shock came, my baby has trisomy 21, cystic hygroma was spotted and tests were done. Baby had fluid and a sack on the front of brain too. My partner then made the decision as I was in constant shock that she could not go through with it. My world had just come crashing down on me! We argued constantly throughout the time we should have been there for each other but instead we pulled away from each other. I blamed her for making the decision before I could even speak. Then we were told that there is two ways on going about this, the surgery way would mean there is a risk that my partner would never conceive again, it is a small risk but a risk nonetheless. Her first words was "your not changing my mind, i am doing it this way as I can not go through the other way of taking pills and giving birth!". All before I had even opened my mouth again. I had been given a miracle and now its being taken away and I may never get that back. That night I got worse and got drunk. We had a fight because all of my previous feelings came back with a vengeance. Through anger I said the worst things and almost trashed the house, I smashed her phone. I had changed! She and the little one left saying I had major problems that needed dealing with. I have now told her I am seeking help and was told by my GP to try something like this and maybe get some feedback from anyone who has ever been in a similar position. I have been put on antidepressants and pushed to seek counseling. I understand that my partner is going through the worst time of her life too and I need to be to be there for her, but I need her to be there for me too. I will want to hold her and tell her it will all be okay, she wants nothing more than to be touched or sympathised to by anyone. The only person she needs is her mum. I made this all about me and it isn't. I am beating myself up over this and losing all that I have ever really wanted. My partner, my best little mate and now my first child which I so longed for. I have become a person I don't know and have pushed all that I hold dear to me away. Im so angry and so sad all at the same time. I get no sleep and a constant surge of adrenaline is running through my body. I hope I can get the old me back but that seems like a long shot at this moment? Thank you for taking time to read this post. It is the jist of it all but there is more. This is the first time I have ever done anything like this but I will try anything to make myself better.

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3 Replies

  • What a heart aching story. I have no advice or anything to add. But I wish I could think of a way to help you feel better. All you can do now is explore every resource possible to help you. Doctors and counsellers are the ones who definately make a difference to you.

  • I'm not sure I can give you much advice but I'll try. I'm a 54 year old mother with children in their twenties. Life can be very bumpy and like you our family have had more than their fair share of shocks. I won't go into our problems, but the key thing is to keep talking honestly to each other. This could be difficult to start, there are various ways to start this. Write a straight forward letter explaining how you feel and where you realise you went wrong. This might be a good first step, and I would recommend you have counselling yourself for the depression before trying to sort out everything with your partner.

    RELATE (counselling service, you an find your nearest one online) can also help the two of you communicate with each other and start to rebuild your relationship while having counselling together. If you have supportive family or friends they may be able to help the two of you talk together in a neutral environment, as well.

    Please understand that I am only speaking from my own experience and what I say may not work for you but I hope this is of some help.

  • I am a 57 yr old female who never got to have children because I was "responsible". I was taught not to bring a child into this world until you were in a stable marriage and could provide a decent life for the child. As a woman I went through a lot emotionally and felt cheated that I didn't get to have what every other woman has. As a Christian I have come to realize that it was probably for the best as I wasn't cut out to be a mother, but sometimes I wish I could have at least been pregnant and even lost the baby because then I would get to meet my baby in heaven someday. I know this isn't helping you but my husband had an affair with (at least) 2 other women while we were married and they both had his baby which added insult to injury. I was never able to love these children as you obviously love her child. My point in telling you all of this is my husband and I are now back together, he stopped drinking went back to work and we are now happier than ever. I went insane like you, but we were both able to forgive each other and heal. It didn't happen overnight and we have our bad days but love and forgiveness are powerful and healing and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Praying for you. Give it time. She will probably come around eventually and if not, that doesn't mean there isn't another chance for you to have everything you want. Stay Strong.

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