Totaly lost without her

[Jebb1976]

I have been on here a few days and had some replies but not as many as i thought i might get as am in need of advice and support. I have recently split from the love of my life after 20 yrs in which there have been highs but honestly a few to many lows and the lows caused my myself. This time however it seems that my relationship is at an end as my wife could no longer carry on with the dissapointments i bring to her and she has lost all respect and trust in me. She has said its over for good and there is no going back. If i changed and showed her does anyone believe i could change her mind as am so lost without her she was my world and i miss her beyond words x

[Iluvhorses]

Maybe she's not leaving because she's disappointed in you. Maybe she just doesn't know how to help you. Your problems (not you) are probably draining her emotionally because she doesn't like seeing you this way. Or maybe your problems have scared her and she doesnt know how to handle them. That could be why she chose to leave. Ive never been married so I don't have much to say about this. Even if you do change, it is her choice whether or not she wants you back at the end of the day. So she may take you back or she may not. I would say change, but dont change for the sole reason of winning her back. I'm saying this because if you change only for her and she rejects you again, then you'll feel like you've made all this effort for nothing. You'll be more likely to fall back to your old habits. Good luck!

[jips in reply to Iluvhorses]

I agree!! Do it for yourself... Good comment lluvhorses!

[Iluvhorses in reply to jips]

Thank you

[Jebb1976 in reply to Iluvhorses]

Yes i am going to change and do so for me but its hard to even find the will to change when your whole world has disapeared from your life

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

You see this is where my faith comes in. I do things for others, but at the end of the day, everything I do is for Jesus. My whole world revolves around him and nothing else. And it will stay that way even after I get married because I want to revolve my world around something that will always be there. Its ok if you don't feel the same way though.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

I would also take a step back and look at the situation with your wife from afar. I doubt that you caused all of the problems in your relationship. I find that both people are usually at fault during situations like this.

[Jebb1976 in reply to Iluvhorses]

Am not religious personaly but i understand it can help people. Am just in such a bad place and cant get out of it. I feel so vulnerable and dont know how to deal with these feelings x

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

Healthunlocked has a mental health online support group as well. Maybe you should try posting there too if you haven't already.

[Natsteveo in reply to Iluvhorses]

Very good advice here jebb

[CapitalT]

See if you can get help, GP and or mental health team, you may have depression or anxiety.

Looking back I've been there, find out what's causing them, resolve them and work forward.

If your relationship can survive it's one less thing you need to deal with, once you're alone things can easily overwhelm us if we're alone, this just makes things worse.

If money's tight, free time is at a premium, work is tough, etc these can all affect our moods, perhaps look as what needs work rather than trying to blame one another, two minds are often better than one.

Good luck.

[Jebb1976 in reply to CapitalT]

Thank you but i cant even talk to her no more as she has blocked me from her life completely

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

Maybe you'll be able to talk to her again after she's had some time and space.

[Jebb1976 in reply to Iluvhorses]

Hope so she is so beaitifull to me it kills me without her X

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

You shouldn't revolve your world around any relationship because they are so fragile if you think about it. You could break up or your partner could die or something. Then you'll be nothing.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

I honestly don't think you should revolve your world around any earthly thing or human being because they could be gone in an instant one way or another.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

Has the divorce been finalized yet?

[Jebb1976 in reply to Iluvhorses]

No she hasnt yet asked for a divorce and i am clinging to that coz if she knew it were over for sure would she not do that but it has only been 6 weeks. x

[Iluvhorses in reply to Jebb1976]

Yeah I can imagine that a divorce would feel very final. Going through it would be like acknowledging that your marriage has failed and I imagine that would be very hard to swallow. But she hasn't gone through with it yet so I personally would consider that as hope. Like I said though, I have never been married so please take my advice with a grain of salt.

[jips]

Jebb...You said you have a problem with opiates in your 1st post. Seem to me you need to deal with that first,

[Jebb1976]

Yes i am trying to deal with that at the moment am on a methadone script so need to get of it all

[kenster1 Moderator]

I'm sorry to hear what your going through.if you change then great but that change has to be for you and you only.dont let a relationship bring you down that you suffer and forget who you are.if you really do change then she might try again but you cant stop living for you.

[Jebb1976 in reply to kenster1]

I agree and understand all the advice i get and apreciate it but when people say u have to do it for yourself i just think by doing whatever i can and need to do to get her back is in its very way doing it for myself. I can take all the advice i can understand everyones point of view but to me she is my very reason for living for breathing as she is a goddess in my eyes and the very thought of never being with her again frightens the life out of me and even more so if some other man takes my place and starts raising my kids. I simply cannot envisage another man in my house in my bed with my wife it seems like a scary movie yet i am in it

[cameraman]

Jebb. I went through something similar & like you, I blamed myself.

I tried to get her back but it wasn't to be at that time. I made the decision to look at myself honestly & change what behaviour I didn't like. Like others, I did it whether I got back with her or not, I simply had to change some things in order to be at peace with myself. That was 13yrs ago & although we are still separated, we are best friends & she wants us to get back together. However, after what went before, I have serious trust issues. We have both had relationships since then, but not now. The thing is to make any changes to your life, DO IT FOR YOURSELF. I knew I needed to change to go forward in life. It might work for you.

PS. we were 30yrs married when she left & I was almost suicidal but got through it. SO CAN YOU.

[jocasti]

First of all, it is not true that you cannot live without someone. It's just in your mind, and it is a habit that you have developed over time. As time passes by, you will learn to live without her.

Second, if you really want her back, you have to figure out what was wrong with your behaviour - what made her go away? Is it something you can change or is it part of your personality? What is more important to you - that things that bother her or living with her?

If you think that you can change - than change it and show it to her (what ever it is). If you can't - then just go out, have fun, try to meet someone new...

Everything is possible if you put your mind to it!

[alfie19]

It is sad you are no longer with your wife after so many years together.

Please can you talk things over with her. Make your self a list of good and bad points and change the things you can you can ask her to do the same and compare notes. I really hope things work out for you. Please let us know how you get on.

[Josie-Anne]

Hi Jebb1976,

Just seen this as I’m new here, dissapointments you bring to her and she has lost all respect and trust in me. May I ask as to what you did that triggered your wife to say such a thing, were your moods and maybe bouts of depression too much for her to handle? Have you said in the passed you’d change but didn’t? actions speak louder than words and that would be the only way you’d get her back, let her see you are making an effort but you must stick with it or you’ll lose her, I’m only stating this because someone else said the same to me but never did ❤️