A demon in my mind.

[3121link]

For the past year now, I've had several bouts of depressive thoughts, I feel like I have no purpose in this life and that I'm worthless, however, although contemplating suicide at times, I know I would never ever go through with it because of the impact on my family and I have so much hope that there is something better for me out there.

Having said that, I have a brilliant life - a family, great friends, part time job as well as a university education yet all I want to do is lock myself in my room. I'm an extremely bubbly, kind person and so when these feelings first hit me I became really fustrated with myself and knew I was 'better' than this depression that has swamped me. For example; I was working earlier in the week and must've cried at least 3 times, for no apparent reason other than I feel so trapped in my own thoughts and it is literally as if the light has gone out of my mind. I now even find myself forcing myself to go out on socials and thinking about saying the right things in front of my peers too afraid of their judgement.

I often worry, about money, as it's always been a very topical issue in my family and my family primarily, because of health problems with certain members and recently started university where these feelings have been amplified.

I'm too scared to talk to my parents or closest friends about this, and too ashamed to go to the doctors incase they tell me that 'it's just a phase' or similar, when I know it's much more serious than that. Yet I cant carry on (cliche but true) battling this demon that is taking over my mind and personality.

Advice please?

[unanswered]

The first thing you should know is you aren't alone, I personally have recently experienced this & like you I kept it to myself for three years, bouts of depression & social anxiety. Being trapped inside my own head & actions with seemingly no way out or real explanation as to why the felt I did when my circumstances in life were good.

Eventually these feelings found a way out & unfortunately it was through self harm & violence, I'm hoping by sharing my experience this won't happen to you. When I no longer recognised who I was & realised these thoughts were changing me for the worse I decided something had to be done.

If you were constantly vomiting you would go to the Dr, if you had cancer or woke up & couldn't use your legs you would go to the Dr immediately. Depression is an illness & just as debilitating as any affliction, there is no shame in it. That first step is difficult but it's the best thing you will do.

Two months of CBT & a year of antidepressants & I have my life back & you can too. What you have to bear in my right now is that depression is like a little devil on shoulder that's constantly lying to you, it's telling you to be ashamed, it's telling you you can't help yourself, it's telling you you can't ask for help or find a way out. I'm telling you you can.

This is where you learn to fight & take control, prove that little devil wrong, soon as you disprove that first lie the rest will fall. You can do it, you're stronger than you think, go to the doctor. If anything you be respected & admired for your courage, not shamed.

I wish you the best.

[crazyornuts]

From what you have said, it would appear that your first step should be seeking a doctor. Tell the doctor right up front that you don't want to hear them tell you that it is just a phase. I don't believe any doctor worth their salt would tell you this. And don't be ashamed. You might want to check around, but often University offers a discounted rate through a student in an internship. This could save money for you. If you don't like the first person you speak with, find another. There are good doctors and help for you - you need to look into finding someone to talk to and get things sorted out in your life. You can do it. Take the first step.

Best of luck.

[Lauretta]

You will not believe the relief you can get from speaking to your family and it seems as though yours will be very open and understanding of you.

They may not fully understand your emotions but they will be a good support for you.

Now for your thoughts: I think you may be feeling trapped because you haven't spoken to anyone else and your worries are eating away at you. If you cannot talk to friends or family, talk to a counsellor: check out the health centre on campus. They're really great!

Finally, question why you feel purposeless?

Why are you at university and do you enjoy your course? This may not be relevant at this time but I think pin-pointing the origin of your feelings may help you work your emotions out.

I hope I could help a little,

Lauretta

[Lucky31]

I have Demonds as well Trapped lets try and help each other by talking about it.

[Mony1234]

Doctors don't help they just give you pills could be referred to talking changes if you feel sucidal where they can talk to you on phone I was referred but I didn't need them so they say I need other support they refererred me to someone else got appointment letter at Shotley Bridge hospital not going but I have pains in my arms and pains in chest cardiovascular heat disease could have a heart attack but not goint to hospital to let cut a hole in my chest I found out why I don't pooh properly it's cos I am on my way to getting dietbetes all ready found out am on border line with live I have week bladder aswell I had a colon something done at hospital longtime ago said in letter if he has anymore trouble send him back anyway I don't feel like seeing anyone I don't even like going to shop for shopping but I have no choice or do without I just hate people now I lived in Blackpool many years but had to come home to my roots I hate most people that live round here now my outlook on life now is zero I am 58 years old now can't go to pub to socialise anymore bad guts back pain can't work all ways tired don't get proper sleep can't go gambling on horses anymore don't do much cantnt I sit in most days no friends no one just dog when I go out people just do my head in rather stay in away from them so everyday is not good for me and memories things that happened years ago to me suppose they call it demons in my mind bad dreams sweats most days in sleep and not in sleep I do gey out after been in house awhile but then my mind goes into a different mode saying crap outside don't go out not worth the effort and you think to yourself I am on my own jack nobody cares about you you feel worthless and you wish you were dead this happens quite often with me with having bad experiences in my life growing up from childhood to adulthood hasn't helped I might have been different if I never had nothing done to me but things were done to me I wish I could forgot they are demons in your mind I suppose anyway nobody can pan out your life but I knew I would be on my own my mum told me cos she said I moan on toomuch she said when you were born the record let's twist again come out anyway it was meant to be I guess on my own for the rest of my life life's a bitch and then you die so they say demons I have loads in my head can't sort out won't go away the only time I will get peace when I die

[Mony1234]

I have a mental problem me all ways waking up during the night can't get to sleep sometimes napping different times of days doesn't help on my own no one to talk to day after day year after year has damaged me physically my soul is destroyed my low esteem is bad I go shopping sometimes and I keep thinking people are following me and going to do me harm the same as when I go out with dog think people are stalking me got other health issues bad guts ibs toilet troubles celebrations like Christmass are no good to me I don't even get a mass card my mum died 1992 cancer in December bad time of year for me Halloween not interested in it anymore it is for kids my daughter has 3 kids can't get to see them disowned me the same as my sisters and brothers now so I am all alone no one probably like thousands of people get alot of abuse on your own mentally off strangers they seem to know you are there is alot of people out there mentally ill who don't ask for help like me was going to see some one NHS decided not to they want you to fill this questionnaire in its just to see if you are fit for work and stop your benefit money that's all am on sick with depression got bad guts now alot pain in different parts of body I can't work me yous t to love work can't do it anymore my mental state is getting worse even my dogs suffering now taking her to vets its going to cost me an arm and a leg I think she has bad ears now with noise around and bad guts all the time sometimes she won't eat her food anyway there's no hope for me who cares nobody why was I put on this earth what's the point of being here they say the dead can't hurt you like ghosts spirits but humans do it's all bullying in some sort of way stalking talking about you and ruing your life day to day when your out I don't go out much cos of my health and low esteem don't feel like facing anyone outside when I go shopping it's hard to explain but people treat you differently these days