I am 17 years old and have been feeling depressed for 2 years. I used to self harm but am now 14 months clean as of today. I have been smoking since I was 15 and find that it helps me to feel calm most of the time. For a long time I just thought that I was going through a bad patch but every time I get better I hit rock bottom all over again. Most days I wake up and don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to kill myself but I just want to die. I hate myself and feel like a waste of space, the only thing that is stopping me from wanting to kill myself is my younger brother who I don't want to leave behind.
Today at school, we were talking about mental illnesses and in particular depression. When my teacher listed the symptoms and effects I realised that all most every one she mentioned matched the way I feel or the things that I do. I don't know what to do anymore. My mum suffers from depression and has always brushed off my concerns about my own mental health as "low moods" or "it must be your time of the month". It hurts to know that I feel the way I do and my mum doesn't notice or even care. I want to talk to someone but I don't want to be a let down to my family. I want to talk to someone but I don't want my parents to be there.
I really don't know what to do, I want to get help so that I can move on with my life and go to uni next year but I don't know who to ask. Can anyone give me some suggestions as to where I should start? Thankyou