this time i need advice :)

Hi there,

I'd like to settle down but part of me says that whoever i go out with, she has a right to know what I've been through with depression and anxiety. it seems to back fire on me as I already feel that no one wants this on there hands, as all indian women want is a perfect picture and a perfect life. I could hide it away but i feel its deceit and if anything comes to surface then it will cause issues in married life. its got to a point where i don't want to settle down because it just makes me numb, attached to someone too soon and difficult to let go and as i know no woman wants this on their hands, as for them there's plenty fish in the sea (as mush as i really hate that phrase). i told one girl and she said nothing bad but after that call she went quiet on me for 3 days and eventually told me that my anxiety was not something she was comfortable with. its bought back a lot of my anxiety and before I started looking I was perfectly fine and happy. I spent best part of 15 years on my own as a loner and now it's not been a easy ride integrating into society, feel like I'm always 10 steps behind everyone. the progress I thought I made getting out of depression has not helped me deal with this anxiety.

how does one go on in life wishing to settle down but has this past hanging over their heads? I mean this is the indian community, they're not the brightest or helpful bunch on these matters, as I feel they stereotypical on these matters.

9 Replies

  • Hi,

    I believe that you need to find yourself before you find someone else.

    You should take your time and get to know someone building up a friendship and trust then discuss in a calm relaxed way without going too deep into it that you have anxiety and depression. Tell that person that you don't need to rely on them for help as you are dealing with it, but you thought they should know. They may feel that there is no pressure on them and because they have got to know you they will be supportive. Depending on what sort of person they are. If they are not supportive then you know they are not worth your time.

  • Also try not to have expectations of people or you will be setting yourself up for disappointment each time.

    Find contentment in your own company or with friends, an opportunity will come up where you get to know someone. Until it does fill your life with interests and hobbies, like maybe exercise and socialising.

    Good luck and stay positive it will happen when you least expect it :)

  • thanks for your post :)

    I spent last year and half away from work pressure finding myself, dealing with depression and got this new job, couldn't be happier. before my new job I was really content and happy doing what I enjoy best, hobbies, etc. felt the last of depression is behind me and i still do feel it is. i decided on this step forward into next part of my life. its just this anxiety that gets the better of me. once i see crowded people it makes me uneasy like i don't know what to say or do. end up overreacting or just walking away.

    i totally agree with not setting expectations but i kind of know what anyone's reaction would be even if it was 8 months down the line. they ask friends and family and their advice is obvious look the other way. they also treat depression as a taboo so that doesn't help. i just know what and how they think. i know i shouldn't but there's such a lack of trust in especially sikh community people easily turn the other cheek and make more strangers than friends. my mum was born handicapped. even though she's passed away i mention it because people from my parent's generation don't like the association that they married their daughter into a 2nd rated family. this has happened on numerous occasions not just with me. this is the kind of primitive community I have to deal with. sorry if it causes offence to anyone.

  • This sounds a very difficult situation , I am not Indian and so not able to fully understand and give advice, but I wish you everyone happiness and success

  • Hi,

    I am Indian, and I saw this so I felt I had to comment. I understand that in the Asian community there is a social stigma attached to mental illnesses which is actually really unfortunate, but you eventually might come across someone who understands it, and won't be as judgemental. The thing with the Asian community is that we're not accepting of things immediately, but eventually we come around, so I would say keep getting out there and don't let one setback bring you down.

    Yes you'll meet a bunch of women who might not want to know you because of your mental illnesses, and yes it will hurt, but when you eventually meet your princess you'll realise it was worth it.

    Sorry for going all fairytale on you, but I sincerely hope you find your one true love, and live happily ever after!

    Good luck!

  • Hi,

    I understand how you feel my love! I understand how certain cultures and upbringings make people very naive to what goes on in someone's mind.

    I suffered from depression, anxiety and anorexia for a very long time and still battle with some thoughts from time to time which I am now stronger than ever to fight and my partner, now my wife, was my rock through it all. It was hard, but she was there for me and could see that I wanted to change and make myself better... A she is Pakistani, so pretty much the same. When you speak of your past you must present it as if you have grown stronger because of all te cr*p you have had to deal with. Make your biggest pain your greatest asset and you will find someone who adores you based on the strength of your character. And to he compmetely fair, if a girl does not want to know you because you was honest enough to admit you aren't perfect then they aren't worth your time!

    Maybe, just a suggestion, when you tell them of your struggles give the summery version and make it a little light hearted! Have fun with yourself! If you can't laugh at yourself and make it very serious they will feel like it is a problem. Then as time progresses and they get to know the amazing person you are all of those issues will be no problem at all.

    I hope this helps, believe me I know how it feels but you will find someone..just be you :) and find someone worthy of you who will empower you and bring positivity into your life!

  • I can only thank you all for your supportive comments. i really do appreciate it.

    I did exactly that. said I came out a stronger and wiser person, helped others in my situation where i could and made a lot of headway to come out stronger minded, told her i'm open to support anyone in my life in any way needed. but my anxiety was the issue. she did not make it obvious at first but sounded supportive. the following day her tone changed. i kept faith in her that maybe she's busy but i didn't let it bother me when she dropped the hammer.

    some may argue not to say anything but I don't want to put myself in a situation where I spend 8 months knowing someone, feel comfortable to tell her only to know she's not interested. i don't know how these situations work best because I don't know how to best handle disappointments. i'm learning but at times its not easy. i want to hold onto and cherish any bit of happiness but I know I have to let go.

    i feel that my young generation of people don't really know what depression is (maybe naive or ignorant is the right word) and how it affects someone so they tend to ask friends and maybe parents if they're unsure and that's where difference of opinion come in and answer becomes a no coz parents/family want the best.

    i do feel that my anxiety is the issue, I mean 15 yrs on my own is not easy thing to over come and I have tried to snap out of it but no one understands how difficult it is, its either full throttle or nothing and people move away from me. I don't know how to get that balance right. makes me feel really on the edge.

  • Hi Loggerslot - I am Indian - and i can assure you that if someone truly loves you they will embrace you fully - warts and all. Before I got married I was really scared to tell my boyfriend (now my husband) that I suffered from a long-term health condition (an autoimmune condition of the large intestine) which meant that I got blood in my stools and had to go the toilet 10 x a day. The diarrhea never stopped. When i told him about it - he was like why didn't you tell me earlier! and in fact he became more caring towards me. We are now married. And funnily enough he developed the sister condition. So what I was so scared of before, he now has. And these conditions are genetic so you can't catch it from someone. You never know what life holds and how things can also change for the other person.

    Therefore if someone truly loves you they will embrace it and be supportive.

    Don't be scared :) happy to discuss more if you want, just let me know.

    In fact my husband and i have now developed a new platform called 'Twealr' which stands for Together We Heal to help people with their mental health concerns. You can ask mental health experts questions for free as well as other users like you and me. You can also speak to a mental health expert if you wanted:

    Given this is an issue so close to your heart, would love to hear your thoughts on how to perhaps make it more useful - you can message me hear or email me your thoughts at

  • thanks for your kind support :) I try to support anyone I can within my limits and knowledge. I don't have many to talk to and if i do I don't feel they'd understand. as i said i do feel my depression is the last of it but my anxiety is still an issue. I have a friend who knows what i had been through and is really supportive of me trying to go out but at times I just keep away because i just can't engage with them. if i be my true self then others will find me boring and that's what causes my anxiety. I would always try to support someone what ever they'd been through but I'm no guesser so they have to tell me but i'm not judgemental.

    I'd been out with someone else in Jan/Feb and we got on really well. no issues/dislikes, friendly as anything, we even planned our 3 next dates including star gazing as our 4th before our 1st date out on valentines day and felt there was a connection. my anxiety was steadily under control. i spoke about something, not relating to my health, that i thought would be an issue over which she later called it off and i later on realized it was my misunderstanding but she wouldn't hear me out. i was left in a state of shock even now and in disbelief that we spent 4/5 weeks talking/texting and in 5 mins i became a stranger, no trust at all. all i wanted was to wake up for it to be a dream. i really started to hate myself for it that why am i stupid. i realized that my anxiety and attachment is still there and ended up withdrawn from it. i sometimes really hate my sikh community for its 2 faced religious cover up whilst behaving selfish like this. there is no support or give from them.

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