Love me no matter how big my butt is.

[Raggedy-Ann]

I haven't felt good about my body since high school. I have had people I loved say thinks like, When you lay on your side your thighs shouldn't touch. You need to lose weight." I was 118lbs 5'4". I have struggled with anorexia and bulemia since high school through my 40's. Another boyfriend ate a lot of food, food I had been avoiding for years like pizza, cheesy enchiladas, I indulged. I gained 10 lbs, taking me from a small to a medium. He told me "I was too fat to f*ck." I had another relationship where I was asked "So, how fat are you planning to get? I was grieving the loss of my grandmother and trying to fill that pain with food. I knew I was struggling so I started doing long walks, barely eating, and that extra 20 lbs took me to Weight Watchers. I was hiding my body, wouldn't eat in front of him and eventually we ended up sleeping in separate beds. I have had male friends call me "Meaty" and say "what happened to you?".. . I've been told stand up pull in your stomach a lot. I have been alone for about two years now, and it has only been in the last six months that I've made peace with my body, I don't care what anybody else thinks. I don't want to ever hear about how great I look or how bad I look. I lost 45 pounds last summer. I got a job that required a lot of walking and climbing stairs, and did a lot of landscaping. I am stuck at my current weight. I want to be healthy for me so I need to drop 20 more according to my doctor. I can't see ever getting into another relationship. I would rather be alone than be picked on again. So now I am trying to learn to accept that reality. I did get another dog. Oh, one guy said, "I think I fell in love with your potential." It had nothing to do with my weight but what an obnoxious thing to say.

[Krn210]

I am sorry that you’ve had to endure such nastiness. I too am learning to love my body how it is. I too came to the realization that I was tired of trying to make my body look how everyone else said it should. I move my body in ways that feel good to me and I eat what makes me feel good. Getting another dog was a wise choice. Lol. I love dogs. I have 4 of them and they’re all my best friends.

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to Krn210]

I have 3 small ones.

Olivia Joy

[HekateMoon]

Hi RaggeddyAnn.

I so can relate to your experience! When people cant relate to others emotionally, they demean others physically. Its a way to divert from their own inadequacy, their inability to let down their barriers and let others see how small and afraid they feel. To reduce the majesty and sovereignity of women to a mere pornographic image is a way to shrink their own potential as humans. Dont close the door to love. Dont put conditions to self love. " I will love myself when i lose the pounds" is conditioning it. Love yourself body, mind, soul and emotions as you are and allow others to do so too. The more you frequent people whose value is on kindness, love, fun, generosity, courage etc..the more oportunities you will have to find someone who love you with reverence. Dont give up. You are doing great.

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to HekateMoon]

Thank you for your kind insight. I am learning to love myself but only in my safe space, home. I am really guarded when I am around other people. sleepy... good night.