Advice needed - PCOS & fertility in late 30s

[Loloruns]

Hi everyone, really hope you can help.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with PCOS - it’s been something that has niggled at me for years, I came off the pill 10 years ago and with irregular periods went for some tests but nothing was confirmed and docs put me back on the pill for contraception. On turning 31 and being very, very much single, I wanted to get a proper diagnosis - low and behold been off the pill for nearly 6 months now, still no period and blood tests suggest I have slightly high testosterone levels, which coupled with my ultrasound from 10 years ago, has led my gp to conclude they can diagnose pcos now.

I’ve been really struggling with this because I’m not in a relationship and I am genuinely terrified of dating (v low self esteem and fear of being rejected) so it feels unlikely that I’m going to be in a position to have children any time soon. But it’s something that I really, really want. So I guess I’m seeking any advice on how to deal with this, or if anybody has been in a similar situation and still managed to conceive in their late 30s. Also, I’m reluctant to go back on the pill given how long it’s taking my body to adjust so does anyone use condoms as their only source of contraception (for whenever I pluck up the courage to date again!)?

I think I’m finding all this even harder with lockdown and seeing time tick away. All my friends are married or in long term relationships and starting to have families, I’m the only single one which amplifies the feeling of being left behind 😔

Because nobody I know is in a remotely similar situation it feels very isolating, so would be good to know I’m not alone!

[LisaEB]

Can you maybe speak to a professional on your esteem issues? There seems to be two issues here, PCOS, with the worry you may struggle to get pregnant. Then there's the relationship side and if you are not having sex, then how you expecting to have a baby?Well one solution would be IVF, I once worked with someone who got a sperm doner, not sure if she had a partner, but she openly talked about having sperm donation for her child. But then you might not have the relationship, it's whether you want to bring up a baby on your own. Also not sure that would be available om the NHS, so I imagine would have to pay for it.

Of course you can have sex with a condom, why not? Although I was on the pill many years, it didn't agree with me much, I usually felt super sick day one, came out in bruising all over my legs, bled between bleeds. So at the end I just used condoms with my then and now husband.

my advise would be pluck up the courage, why are you worried about rejection? Life is super short. We started trying for a baby when I was 34, I'm now 37 and had 5 miscarriages, don't leave it too late. We may never have children of our own and that's the reality. You may never have them if you don't try, after 40 IVF success falls substantially.

As they say if you want something you need to go for it.

[LisaEB]

I also want to say you are not alone, there are many people out there in your situation. I have many male friends looking for a female, who are single and a similar age to you and wanting the same things. I also have at least two single female friends at a similar age. All have no children and some have expressed they would really like them to me.

[CurlyGirl983]

Hi there fellow late 30s singleton! First of all please know you're not alone- I totally relate!

There seems to be a lot going on for you and with this damn pandemic going on it seems even tougher to navigate this. I agree with LisaEB in that you need to look at your self-esteem issues (don't be so hard on yourself, take it easy ) while educating yourself on PCOS because it's not just about the fertility issues it throws up, but your overall health. Your cycle does a lot more than allow you to have kids. I'd say well done on getting the diagnosis - God knows it was a struggle to get mine. Now you know what you're dealing with. I think the best thing is to focus on ways to educate yourself on PCOS. I follow people like Kay Ali, Maisie Hill (her book Period Power is fab) on Instagram and read up on the subject - (I've signed up to a seminar on it this afternoon called Healing your Cycle. It's free and it might help you if you want the details).

Definitely steer clear of the Pill (it does nothing to heal the root causes of PCOS and also suppresses ovulation which from a fertility aspect isn't good). Since 2013, I've tried homeopathy and a more natural holistic method- cleaner diet, exercise, meditation, creative exercises, therapy etc. It helps to feel like I'm doing something about it while not pumping myself full of chemicals. Having said that it is TOUGH. From having a achieved a fairly regular cycle (though it only last 2-3 days and is super light) I'm now 3 weeks late (not preggers) and my anxiety is clawing at me. It's crap but I do blame lockdown and excessive stress. So many factors affect PCOS urgh!

Finally as some one also in my late 30s and single, I'd say my friend it isn't at all bad. There's a growing contingent of people reclaiming singlehood because it can be heaps of fun and empowering. Of course it'd be nice to meet someone and with time ticking away even more so. But I think emotionally you need to be in a good frame of mind because dating is hard and can be soulless. It's trying on the most confident of us lol!

So use this time of singlehood to find out why you don't value yourself as much as you should. Start to do the things you enjoy and somewhere down the line Mr (or Miss) Right will come along. Oh and I know of countless ladies with PCOS who go on to have kids- my cousin at 40 (PCOS, overweight etc) went on to have 2 kids within 2 years naturally. Never say never!

Sorry for the ridiculously long message but I just wanted to reach out and say you are never alone. It's a rubbish time in general so be kind to yourself. It will be alright.

Rxx