SINNER ME!!!!!

SINNER ME!!!!!

Only one way to say this my friends (could be ex-friends very shortly) on my 44th day everything just got too much and I lit up properly. Never mind that it was only the one – so far anyway – one is one too many. Just reflex I think – got myself into a state while combing and bathing my two and rather than lose my temper with them did the only thing I could think of that would help so went in hubby’s pocket and hey presto smoker me. Should have come on the board but you know what it’s like when the red mist is descending – reason and logic go out the window and that’s when nic steps in from the wings. Definitely sad, angry, frustrated basically you name it I feel it and could kick myself up the b**t if it were possible to do so but what’s done is done and nothing and no-one can undo what I, and I alone, have done. Know that others have started all over again but to be truthful don’t think I’m strong enough even with all your help – know I could use NRT or even an e-cig but not keen on either – NRT I have tried before (about 2 years ago) but allergy made it impossible to continue after 4 days and an e-cig well, to be perfectly honest, as they are untested, don’t want to use them because of that but also think it will remind me too much of smoking proper. The most maddening part (sorry madimad not taking part of your name in vain honest!) is that this time it just felt so right and the first few weeks just flew by with no problems at all. Perhaps this is what happens when you think you’ve cracked it – pride comes before a fall and I feel as if I've fallen off the biggest cliff possible! The landing wasn’t good either I can tell you!! Don’t know if I can face starting over and will have to think - perhaps tomorrow is a better day for thinking 'cos all I can think right now is stupid c*w!. Cancelled my appointment with doc next week as can’t face her either and have just got a repeat prescription so am OK on that score but 8 weeks. Would be nice to go in 8 weeks and say I haven’t smoked (would have been even nicer to say 16 but there you go) but to be completely honest I think I have just lost heart – it all seems just that bit too much and I am now questioning myself as to if it’s worth it.

Really thought with finding some inner peace I would stay the course but no, I have to c**k it up good and proper. Shame on me. Anyway at least you won’t have me blogging for a while so you can all sigh with relief on that score.

Photo is my two after their comb and bath – little darlings have cost me dear but it’s not their fault at all – it’s mine, all mine!

Take care everyone

Kath

xx

8 Replies

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  • Kath. You know the old saying s**t happens" so it did!! :-0

    Some of my friends who had quit for months fell off the waggon and then took a couple of weeks off and then quit again. They have now been smoke free for over 3 years.

    Maybe it a timing thing. I hope you do still blogg even if it's just to say hi and let us know how you are doing. Keep the faith babe you will eventually do it.

    Sending you love, hugs and kisses.

    Sue xx

  • Hi Kath, well that's another practice run. So get into the right frame of mind and start again when your ready. Have you tried the inhalator similar to the e cig but safer and( it doesn't need charging up, Boots do 15mg. and a 10mg cartridge.

    dexterousdiva.co.uk/wp-cont...

    chin up stay positive, :) :)

  • Hi Kath

    I can understand your frustration and disappointment. I did the same thing myself a few months ago, gave up for 4 months then for one reason or another I started again. I thought at the time that I wouldn't give up and that was it, I really didn't feel ready mentally to give it another go. I think if you don't put it behind you and carry on immediately then you will give up again another day when the time is right. I smoked for almost 3 months after I fell off the wagon but I'm ready to give it another go. Giving up for 4 months and starting again doesn't put me off, as Jillygirl just said, it was a practice run. Some people give up and don't have a problem others struggle a bit but manage it, others struggle a lot and maybe that just means the time isn't right for you.

    I am sure we will see you again when you are ready, be it tomorrow, next week or next year and I know I wouldn't have given up for 4 months without the support from the lovely people on here so you know you will be welcomed with open arms if you want to try again.

    Take care xx

  • Okay Kath,

    Let's have a look at this slip huh? Eight weeks is SO very good... if you can manage 8 once, you can do it again - if you want too. People here do understand just how hard it is you know!

    I consider myself more than lucky today... I just got back from the Hospital, to get the results of my CT Scan. For 2/3 weeks now it's been a waiting game, wondering if I had Cancer because of my 50+ years of smoking. I've come out of there clear of that thank God. But, I've also got a clear diagnoses of Emphasyma. I sort of knew I had that before I went though.

    What I did see were an awful lot of worried people in that waiting room, just like me - some of them probably won't be as lucky as me. If anything has re-enforced my want and need to stop smoking for good - that has.

    I don't want to play Russian Roulette anymore with smoking. The next chamber in that gun could have a real bullet in it - just for me....

    You said a while ago... "what the hell - we all have to die of something". Sure we do... but, I just don't feel I could be cocky about smoking now - "and it won't happen to me sort of thinking". Being in that Hospital today... well, it's a boot up the backside for me.

    So, will you consider having another go at it...? I hope you will Kath, I would hate to come on this site to hear yet another of us is waiting for a Diagnoses. Believe me IT'S SCAREY.

    I hope all that hasn't upset you - for it isn't intended too at all - it's just concern, for us all here, and that definately includes you!

    Do try again Kath, we'll be here cheering you on... and besides, wouldn't you miss us all... just a bit?!

    Gill, xxx

  • Thank you so much Gill, that was lovely gal :) :)

  • Gill - So glad that your diagnosis was good, know emphasema is not good but could have been a lot worse. You do need that kick, mine was the breast cancer and attending the cancer hospital and seeing everyone there.

    Kath you can do it, perhaps you need to give it a few days and get your head back around the thought of stopping instead of beating yourself up. We have all had slips and managed to get back on the wagon. Agree with Jilly it is a practice run.

    Jilly - I have an e-cig but will try the inhalers thank you for the advice.

    Take care everyone suec x

  • Sorry to hear of your diagnosis Gillyflower, the waiting is very unpleasant. Everyone needs to listen to you and gillygirl too. In February last year my husband had a CT scan of his lungs after a routine x-ray showed up something between his rib and his lung. He had had a cough that he couldn't shake off. From getting the results of the x-ray to having the scan was just over a week; when cancer is suspected it's a very fast turn around. It was the longest time of my life waiting. I went with him to the chest clinic, it was a very sad place to be with some incredibly poorly looking people there. Thankfully my hubby was OK. The cough was a left over from a particularly nasty virus that was going around that year but my husband had stopped smoking about 9 years prior to this. The thing that had showed up on the x-ray was an enlarged blood vessel. The consultant said it was damage from when my husband smoked. She said it was OK but she also said you must never smoke ever again and stay clear of other smokers too. She wished him luck and said she loved giving out good news like that, she said its often such a very different story.

  • Hi Monky, Simba & Sinfree

    Thanks for your kind words, & yes, I'm going to bed very happy tonight. Looking forward to hearing from you all tomorrow. Nite, nite. xxx

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