Only one way to say this my friends (could be ex-friends very shortly) on my 44th day everything just got too much and I lit up properly. Never mind that it was only the one – so far anyway – one is one too many. Just reflex I think – got myself into a state while combing and bathing my two and rather than lose my temper with them did the only thing I could think of that would help so went in hubby’s pocket and hey presto smoker me. Should have come on the board but you know what it’s like when the red mist is descending – reason and logic go out the window and that’s when nic steps in from the wings. Definitely sad, angry, frustrated basically you name it I feel it and could kick myself up the b**t if it were possible to do so but what’s done is done and nothing and no-one can undo what I, and I alone, have done. Know that others have started all over again but to be truthful don’t think I’m strong enough even with all your help – know I could use NRT or even an e-cig but not keen on either – NRT I have tried before (about 2 years ago) but allergy made it impossible to continue after 4 days and an e-cig well, to be perfectly honest, as they are untested, don’t want to use them because of that but also think it will remind me too much of smoking proper. The most maddening part (sorry madimad not taking part of your name in vain honest!) is that this time it just felt so right and the first few weeks just flew by with no problems at all. Perhaps this is what happens when you think you’ve cracked it – pride comes before a fall and I feel as if I've fallen off the biggest cliff possible! The landing wasn’t good either I can tell you!! Don’t know if I can face starting over and will have to think - perhaps tomorrow is a better day for thinking 'cos all I can think right now is stupid c*w!. Cancelled my appointment with doc next week as can’t face her either and have just got a repeat prescription so am OK on that score but 8 weeks. Would be nice to go in 8 weeks and say I haven’t smoked (would have been even nicer to say 16 but there you go) but to be completely honest I think I have just lost heart – it all seems just that bit too much and I am now questioning myself as to if it’s worth it.
Really thought with finding some inner peace I would stay the course but no, I have to c**k it up good and proper. Shame on me. Anyway at least you won’t have me blogging for a while so you can all sigh with relief on that score.
Photo is my two after their comb and bath – little darlings have cost me dear but it’s not their fault at all – it’s mine, all mine!
Take care everyone