Dealing with Shame

[Nerd222]

I'm 21 and have had vaginismus for as long as I can remember. I've never been able to use a tampon or even insert my full pinky finger inside myself. It took me until this year to get diagnosed, and I'm equally relieved and ashamed. I know mine is likely caused by my severe anxiety disorder, along with the physical factor of my pelvic floor being too tight, but getting treatment is so scary. Just the thought of something inside me in that way makes my whole body go into fight or flight. Treatment feels hopeless. But I'm also so ashamed about not being a good sexual partner that my issues are "too much." I'm a lesbian, so logically, I know that it doesn't actually matter that much since I'm not dating men, but there's still an overwhelming amount of fear and shame.

[CernCrystal]

Hi, totally identify with your situation. I've always had Vaginismus and (only discovered laterly) an overtightened pelvic floor. I'm now older and wiser than my younger panicky anxious self and for many years identified as gay/lesbian and at 45 at the birth of my first child, discovered that I was intersex.

If there was any advice I would give my younger self, it would be (hope this may help):

I would highlight that tampons are not the be all - I tried mercilessly and painfully to use them before using external protection for many years until I had a better understanding of how I worked and the important links between brain and parts - I was 35 before I could use them.

Sex with others is irrelevant until you can have good sex with yourself and understand how your body works. This can give you the confidence to understand yourself and your needs in interactions with others. You are not odd, deformed or not working properly, you are proudly different, have different needs and may have unexpected positives associated with who you are (people with our conditions can often be multi-orgasmic - which was a wonderful, albeit late journey for me - wish I'd addressed the shame and lack of knowledge earlier - well done for reaching out and acknowledging that you need to address how you're feeling. It may well help with your anxiety. It did mine but much later.)

Best of luck on your journey - and don't forget that every person has a journey to explore this side of themselves. CernCrystal