Sad, depressed, Isolated, and FED up, Thats why You have not seen me Lately

I will say I am only writing a bit for now, kind of sleepy, In less than a year, I have been experimented on by doctors (GP Neuro, RA ) and they Still dont have it right, I have had to start 2 different attempts of meds, and Both in their own right, Failed, and Left Nasty messes and Allergic reactions behind,

(The MTX injections are Much better now on a Positive note) im no longer throwing up, nausea, and Migraine from the pills, But all the other Meds? Yeah, Just sick of them all, I have been through all these attempts and reactions, I have gained 2 and a Half Stone,

in Less than 1 year,

I am 90% housebound, I do really Try to go out, and did a few times even with a friend, or my landladys help, as I will fall using just the walking stick, And I really dont want to go walking out with a Zimmer, I feel awful enough, My Neuro and My RA docs want me to go to a Pain Clinic to get proper pain treatment, My GP just keep increasing More, and More Strong Pain Meds, But I have severe breakthrough Pain, on ends of bones, all joints and All My skin and Muscles, I can press gently on My skin as the pain is Hell, I am really Fed up, I feel all alone, I used to be vibrant, Yes clumsy when younger, didnt think anything of it then, But with the Physical problems and the Weight gain, Even though I have one of the most healthiest dietd any one could eat, Porridge, berries, nuts, tuna, olive oil lemon juice salad, 3 bean salad, eggs and whites, cheese,fruit, fruit, veg, veg, veg, No Potatoes, sweets, cakes or candies NOTHING and I can hardly move and Im just getting Fatter and more depressed,

So this is why I wrote today, I am sick of all this, I have lost most my friends, go no where, am single, I used to dance be funny, laugh, date (whats that) Ive been alone for over 3 years now, Im lonely would be nice to hold hands and have a Gentle cuddle, and some conversation, I Miss LUCKY so Much , almost a year now, Those of u who remember me will know about that last year, Im still grieving, Im so alone, sad, depressed and Fat, Well there ya go, hope I didnt depress anyone, But if I dont write it, It will Just destroy me, cause I really am fed up fighting this crap any more,

Love to you all Hope you are doing a bit better than me tonight, sleep well, I will try, Im staying in tom, too exhausted after last 3 days, Docs, hosp, boots, fruit market, with landladys arm MMM ((Gentle Hugs toYou all))

Lisa XXX and Luckys Angels Too xxx

18 Replies

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  • Oh my lovely Lisa, so sorry you're feeling so crapola :-( I just wanted to send you lots of gentle hugs. Have you not been considered for ant tnf? Seems ridiculous if you've not, you being in so much pain. I truly feel for you hun. Hope you can get some sleep. I'm online because I live in Australia so always here for a chat if you need to talk in your nighttime :-) love Janet xxxx

  • so sorry to hear this wondered where you had disappeared too from the site.

    We ARE all here for you and lots of fun new members too, from around the world!! such as lady above xx.

    Do you think that now sometime has passed it is time to find a new furry companion?. when I WAS at my most low, I wept with pain ,bur I HAULED myself into car and £20. later bought a loving small bundle of joy home Suki( her predecessor died at 17.5) she bounded on to my bed this morning,, wake up!! nuzzled my face jumped off and is now curled up on the landing as I type this.... she is three years old now!! gentle and affectionate.

    There also so may unwanted cats and kittens out there desperate for a good home xx

  • Hi Lisa, I can relate to you. I don't know your age but I am 49 and have a family and still feel isolated as I cannot walk far. I daren't go anywhere alone as I afraid of falling even though I haven't yet. I am never on my own but feel like I may as well be. My huge white long haired german shepherd seems to know when I am in pain and need a hug more than my hubby. Anyway I have just been successful in getting a blue badge so hopefully I can get out more but I am also looking in to getting a mobility scooter so I can go to town just under a mile away. I used to walk there 2 or 3 times a week with no problems now I can barely make it to the end of our street. Is a mobility scooter an option for you?

    Gentle hugs

    Sue x

  • I could not cope without my animal friends. When my last dog died I hurt so badly I promised myself I would not get another. However I could not stick ti that cause of the hole she left. So off I went to the rspca and instantly fell in love with her big brown eyes. 12 years on my gorgeius companion (jess) still wakes me in the morning with a gentle nudge and sloppy kisses. She is there to greet me and cuddle up with me after a hard day at work and we both hobble round the field/park or street (she is riddled with arthritis in her old age) in the cold rain/snow or in the sunshine (when we get any).

    I think summer therefore makes a valid point -mayb it is time to go c if your local rspca have any furry companions who u can adopt thus improving the quality of both ur lives.

    Gentle hugs being sent.

  • Morning lisa,i know how you were when we were down there with you and you weren't as bad as you are now and you would get out. If i was living down there we would take you out with us. I know you miss lucky and like summer has said think about getting another cat. Sending you my love and hugs lisa.xxx

  • Oh dear me, what a terrible wicked desease this is, it has taken your life away and we, on this site, can only sympathise with you. But at least we do know what you are going through, we know about the pain and the lack of mobility, we know how isolating it is and we know about the weight gain caused by drugs. We can't put it right but we do understand and empathise with you. Another pet would not and could not replace the one you lost but maybe a furry friend would give you a reason to get up in the morning? I do feel that it sounds as if you are in a downward spiral. You have taken a tiny step by posting here and maybe if you set yourself a small goal each day you would just feel a little bit better. Just little things that can be adapted to what you CAN do and try to concentrate on that rather than the things you CAN'T do.

    My thoughts and prayers will be with you - so you are not as alone as you think you are.

    Tilstongal

  • Hi Lisa,

    I'm so glad you've reached out to this site again. I feel sure that every one of us can sympathise with how you are feeling and want you to know that we feel for you.

    I do hope that you have asked your GP to refer you for counselling as this depression has lasted a while now. I suspect that a fair number of us are on some kind of meds for depression. I was very anti them initially but I have to say they turned my life around and I focus less on my pain.

    Just another thought though, if you don't feel ready to own another cat perhaps you would consider fostering. There is a website oldies.org.uk that specialises in finding homes for older cats and dogs. Many of them have been left because their owners have died so are very scared and confused and just need the reassurance of a home environment rather than being kept in noisy kennels in their later years. They are also very amenable towards 'failed fosterers' who can't bear to part with their new treasures.

    Take care xxx

    Judy

  • Hi Lisa,

    afraid I don't have any further advice for you than all the good advice already offered. Just wanted to send best wishes and hugs and hope that you can get something sorted to improve your situation.

    Caroline.

  • Dear Lisa, I have wondered why we hadn't heard from you for so long. After what I've just read I can understand why.

    I really don't have anything to say except I agree with what others have advised. Just to let you know though, I know you feel alone, but just think of all your friends on this site who all send you the most gentle of hugs.

    Love

    Carolyn xxxxx

  • Hi there Lisa. I don't know you but from what has been said you are loved LOADS. I really can't offer any advise then what has been said. your blog has moved me as i can sympathize with the depression. I do have tablets myself for it.

    As you can see we have a cat. He is a diamond and great company. I send you best wishes and love xxx

  • Hi Lisa,I know how u feeling.......a BIGGGGGG HUGGGGGGG to u n tc ??

  • Lisa so sorry to hear of your situation. We have all been there at some point. Its hard to accept I know only to well. Pain wears you out. I have two Border Collies Jack & Megan ( Luckily My husband walks them ) but they keep me going & make me smile every day. They seem to know when I'm ill & low. Its difficult to accept mobility problems when you have been active. Sending big hugs & to let you know you are not alone. Really hope you feel better soon xx

  • Hi Lisa - poor you feeling so very low. Personally I think Alison's suggestion to get another cat is a great one. You aren't replacing you last beloved Lucky you are just continuing your relationship with cats and Lucky would have wanted you to be happier and get your much needed cuddles. I know when I've felt miserable that my dogs come bouncing up and snuggle me (Ruby the puppy goes for full on snogs quite often which is a bit disconcerting!) and there's nothing more cheering really.

    Also is there any chance you could do some very gentle breathing exercises or tai chi perhaps? I ask because I find that exercise keeps me sane these days. I'm very lucky in that I'm not in any pain just now so I take full advantage - but even when I was flaring and joints were swollen I made sure I moved them about everyday some how. If you can build up to a little bit more each day the adrenalin is a very good tonic/ pick-me-up I find - even if it's just deep breathing and pulling your tummy in and out at first - and there might be a gentle tai chi class in your area where you meet others in your situation?

    It's important to try and keep up a social life if you possibly can because it will make you feel less isolated. Also the pain clinic sounds like quite a good suggestion to me - you would probably meet people there who were in the same or similar situation to yourself? Tilda xx

  • Sorry to hear things still aren't good for you. Know what you mean about the constant weight gain and not being able to do anything about it, in spite of healthy diet.

    Everyone else has given you good comments. Only thing I wanted to add was about the walking aids - I had a zimmer years ago and hated it, but then I got crutches and they are great - so much more stable than a stick, but you don't get the looks you get with a zimmer. I did find the NHS ones were a bit hard on my hands, and ended up buying my own Kowski crutches - lovely bright colours and anatomical soft grips that are so easy on your hands. If you do go for crutches its really important to get a physio to show you how to use them, because if you use them the wrong way it could make you hurt even more, but I swear by them now. At times I will just use one, but it does feel so much more stable than a stick, which there is no way I could use right now. Here is a good site for crutches indeaids.co.uk/index.html Mine are the Kowski purple ones (and I have a black pair too). You MUST get proper advice on how to walk with them though, and also get the exactly the right height for your - or it will just do more damage.

  • Oh golly, Lisa, I do feel bad for you, knowing exactly how it is, having been there. I will echo and agree with all the folks above. Most importantly, Get another cat. There are so many, so adorable, I want to take them all home! For you, as with me, get an oldewr cat, perhaps one that had been give3n up, or one about 3-5 years old, as they would already be litter trained.

    I lost my big white, fluffy Angora/Persian 5 years ago, was so lonely without him, for 4 months, then one day there was a picture on the bulletin board at the grocery store, with the words, "can someone please adopt me, my people are moving and can't keep me." Well, it was a sign that I needed her as much as she needed me. I have had Bridget for 5 years, she is also fluffy, tortoise-shell Maine Coon. Very loving, clingy and sometimes vocal. :) She knows the routines and if I vary, she lets me know. She sleeps on top of the quilt, right up against me.

    The other thing I would suggest is also what I use. It's a 4 wheeled walker, has a seat to sit on when shopping, etc. and has handbrakes and a storage department under the seat. I cannot walk very many steps without it, so I use it constantly. I can walk very well, and quickly with it, without it I hobble or waddle like a duck, and then only for a few steps, like working about the kitchen. This would give alot of freedom and mobility, and my friends like me enough they tolerate folding my walker and putting it in the car:)

    ALSO, by all means ask your GP for an anti-depressive. It will help alot with how you deal with all this crap we have, you will sleep better, and it may even depress your appetite.

    Good luck and God bless. Loret xxx

  • oh bless you , we are all her for you , , as we all suffer with this RA, I still find to hard to cope with , I am 50th now had it now for 4 years , and still not under control, most of my life is just at home now , as I live on my own ,, like all I have a good day and bad days , I try and just keep moving , each day have a little walk from room to room , or sit and look at the widow , , keep your chin up , sending you a hug, :) xx

  • made me cry to read your blogg, sending you lots of love n hugs xxx

  • Such a sad blog, animals are such a comfort, do get another one, when sufficient time has passed.

    I just wrote as positive a blog as I could muster, given my pain is in extremis at the moment, I even nicked one of my mums lidocaine patches for my wrist !

    I hope you feel better soon, and don't worry about your weight, when u feel stronger & better you will lose it.. I know as gained 2 stone on steroids !,

    Which does make pain much worse, tho I was very offended when rheumy suggested I lse weight at the time. She was right in retrospect .

    Cyber hugs, gina

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