Dating and RA

[SoulmanPaul]

Hi everyone. Not been on here for a very long time, basically as a result of doing so well since being on Humira. In addition I've also lost 20 kg in weight. I get no pain, I get no flare ups and in my estimation I'm in better shape healthwise than I was before my diagnosis. I can do eveything I want to do and am totally independent (yes I know I'm very lucky). So, to the reason for my messaging.

I've been single for a number of years but would really like someone to share life with-a girlfriend. I joined an dating site a whille ago and being an honest type, I mentioned in my profile that I'd got RA. I got very little response but when I did and I reminded them about the RA, it turned out they hadn't read my profile and quickly disappeared!

In my honest opinion, if I didn't tell you I'd got RA, then you'd never know, so with that said I decided to remove RA from my profile. A few days ago I was contacted by someone and we got on like a house on fire. We talked for hours on the phone over three nights and I was looking forward to arranging a meet up. However, when discussing general health matters I decided to mention RA as I felt confident in how well we got on. At the time (last night) we discussed things and I had no inkling that it was an issue and later, we wished each other a friendly goodnight-you can see what's coming can't you

This morning, I got a text stating that now she had slept on things, RA was indeed an issue and as she was such an active person, she didn't wish to continue things further. I'm fine apart from feeling very misjudged as seemingly disabled, so not here looking for sympathy. What I am asking for is advice/opinions. What would you do? What should I do?

Many thanks for reading this.

Paul x

[Rosie-NRAS Partner NRAS]

Dear Soulman Paul, I am so pleased to hear that you are responding well to the Humira and that your RA is now well controlled. Though, I am sorry to hear that you have experienced a negative reaction from people regarding your RA, I do hope that the right person comes along soon. I wonder if you have seen our new booklet 'Relationships Matter', I have linked our webpage where you can download or order for free. I do hope this helps. If you would like to discuss any of this further, please call our freephone Helpline on 0800 298 7650 and we will be happy to chat. Kind regards, Rosie @NRAS

nras.org.uk/product/relatio...

[SoulmanPaul in reply to Rosie-NRAS]

Many thanks Rosie, I'll check this out.

[Fruitandnutcase]

Hello Soulman Paul. That’s very sad. Have you thought of trying activities where you can meet and get to know people before you have to bring up RA?

I don’t know what your interests are but you could do something like joining a camera club or a ramblers group or some sort of class or group where you can meet people in person or you could volunteer for a charity. That way people would get to know you before ‘writing you off’.

I have a good friend who is incredibly fit and athletic whose partner has very bad arthritis and the drugs he is on now are sort of his ‘last chance saloon’ so to speak but that hasn’t put her off.

Hopefully you will find someone special who can see a bit deeper than the RA label. Good luck.

[SoulmanPaul]

Thanks for your reply. I'll have to check things out locally, and see what's available. Ironically, the woman in question belongs to a Ramblers group

[Fruitandnutcase in reply to SoulmanPaul]

Hmm - that’s interesting - maybe if she sees you out and about and able to keep up she’ll start to think differently - at least she was decent enough to get in touch to say she had second thoughts and didn’t just disappear. On the other hand you don’t want her to think you are stalking her if you suddenly turn up at ‘her’ group! Why does life have to be so blooming complicated🤔

Do you have a U3A where you live and have you seen this site? meetup.com

[AgedCrone in reply to SoulmanPaul]

I agree with F&N …..& as you are now feeling so able …how about not throwing up your RA until the lady virtually intimates she wants to do something that really would be out of your league…say like Sky Diving ..or maybe you’d like that???

Or how about a singles holiday for your age groupish? When I was single at your age I had some wonderful overseas & UK holidays over all times like but especially over Christmas.As a single lady, I met not only couples who took me & under their wing, but men who joined our threesomes. I’m old enough to be your mother now …well almost…. but I am still in touch with some of these holiday friendships. Only difference is I wasn’t looking for a one & only! But I bet there are ladies on holidays who are!

You have had the courage to say out loud what a lot of people are looking for but keep it to themselves …so keep asking…..you sound a nice honest kind of guy….I really hope you find your lady.

AC

[SoulmanPaul in reply to AgedCrone]

Thank you for your lovely reply and good advice. Sky diving???Online dating is enough of a scare thank you lol

[AgedCrone in reply to SoulmanPaul]

Go on …chance it..life gets more fun if you are a bit scared!

[SoulmanPaul in reply to AgedCrone]

I go fishing occasionally.......I could try catching a Pike, they're a bit scary! 😀

[AgedCrone in reply to SoulmanPaul]

Hmm -I dunno…a man falling flat in a pond catching a fish isn’t exactly what I had in mind!

More flashing the knees in Tennis Whites..but only if don’t miss the ball? Sorry..but you do need to know!

😇

[SoulmanPaul]

She's not local so that won't be happening I'm afraid. However I did consider dropping the RA bomb after we'd met, for the very reason you suggest. Maybe that's the way to go in future. I'll have a google for U3A. Thanks for the tip.

[medway-lady]

Perhaps it’s more about the withholding of information that’s got to her as it might appear dishonest. I’m not saying you are of course but why tell anyone unless the relationship becomes serious? Your health is your business it’s not like your moving in together next week and need nursing care or your thinking of having children this year ! As some meds do affect fertility. Of course if any relationship is based on lies it may run into trouble but even so if your leading a normal life and RA isn’t a big deal, then I don’t understand why you need to divulge personal information to what is really a stranger. I’d suggest if things move on then it may be time but realistically who at 67 hasn’t got some major or minor health issues. So I’d say forget her and join a club, play some golf or go to the pub and when you least expect it then you may just click with a potential soul mate.

PS I’d reply to her text that it’s a shame as you enjoy adventure holidays to see glaciers, go to festivals etc and whilst having RA will not be requiring extra help to walk, dance, swim or even white water raft, or ski however do enjoy the company of people less prejudiced than those make decisions based on their own ignorance or something like that. lol x

[SoulmanPaul]

Thanks for this, you make some very good points. I did consider asking her to say exactly why she ended it but concluded that she'd made her mind up so no point trying to convince her how wrong she was about me. Thanks again for your reply.

[Deeb1764]

I think keep it out of discussion for now, a few dates in and they “ see you” as you are and not as a “disease”’and if not aware of RA and don’t have the knowledge it can be scary too for them, plus if not explained in the correct way, it might be too much information too soon.

Remember as you get older they get older and who knows what life will throw at them.

Good luck and stay positive 🥰

[medway-lady in reply to Deeb1764]

Good point !

[SoulmanPaul]

Thanks for your advice on this and your good wishes. I did fear when I posted that I'd be told I must be upfront from the outset, so it's nice to see that a couple of you here have advised otherwise

[Jackie1947]

Plenty of good advice above. Putting in my pennies worth I'd say let a person see you as you and not labelled. You don't need to say I've got this or that at first meeting/ conversation. Wishing you the very best.

[SoulmanPaul]

Thanks Jackie

[welsh12]

Hi best of luck with dating as others have said most people have some medical issue by the time they are 67 she may well have too. A lot of people don't understand RA either I would get to know someone first and has you share information and learn about each other it could come up then.

[SoulmanPaul]

Thanks for this. It's been good to see that everyone who has replied agrees with that view. It will give me confidence that it's the right way to go in future.

[Stills]

as you are doing well and living a normal life I don’t think it’s something you need to mention until you’ve actually known somebody for a few dates at least. Good luck and hope you find a soulmate soon.

[Brushwork]

I read your post with some interest as I am in a similar position.

As I too have integrity, I would always mention RA at some point and yes it is an issue for most people. However, if a person is not willing to talk it through and try to understand the complexities of the condition and treatments, they are not the person for me.

Even when the medication is giving us freedom in the form of remission, we don’t know how long that will last and can therefore never give any reassurance that we will stay well. This puts us in a difficult position, and for me, a single life seems to be the only option… but hope springs eternal.

[Andos16]

Sorry, but it's not like you have terminal cancer. I would leave that admission until you get to know someone. The lady may have googled about RA and presumed the worst. Also at our age people don't want to take on "baggage" but we all have it to some degree!!