Hi everyone. Not been on here for a very long time, basically as a result of doing so well since being on Humira. In addition I've also lost 20 kg in weight. I get no pain, I get no flare ups and in my estimation I'm in better shape healthwise than I was before my diagnosis. I can do eveything I want to do and am totally independent (yes I know I'm very lucky). So, to the reason for my messaging.
I've been single for a number of years but would really like someone to share life with-a girlfriend. I joined an dating site a whille ago and being an honest type, I mentioned in my profile that I'd got RA. I got very little response but when I did and I reminded them about the RA, it turned out they hadn't read my profile and quickly disappeared!
In my honest opinion, if I didn't tell you I'd got RA, then you'd never know, so with that said I decided to remove RA from my profile. A few days ago I was contacted by someone and we got on like a house on fire. We talked for hours on the phone over three nights and I was looking forward to arranging a meet up. However, when discussing general health matters I decided to mention RA as I felt confident in how well we got on. At the time (last night) we discussed things and I had no inkling that it was an issue and later, we wished each other a friendly goodnight-you can see what's coming can't you
This morning, I got a text stating that now she had slept on things, RA was indeed an issue and as she was such an active person, she didn't wish to continue things further. I'm fine apart from feeling very misjudged as seemingly disabled, so not here looking for sympathy. What I am asking for is advice/opinions. What would you do? What should I do?
Many thanks for reading this.
Paul x
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SoulmanPaul
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Dear Soulman Paul, I am so pleased to hear that you are responding well to the Humira and that your RA is now well controlled. Though, I am sorry to hear that you have experienced a negative reaction from people regarding your RA, I do hope that the right person comes along soon. I wonder if you have seen our new booklet 'Relationships Matter', I have linked our webpage where you can download or order for free. I do hope this helps. If you would like to discuss any of this further, please call our freephone Helpline on 0800 298 7650 and we will be happy to chat. Kind regards, Rosie @NRAS
Hello Soulman Paul. That’s very sad. Have you thought of trying activities where you can meet and get to know people before you have to bring up RA?
I don’t know what your interests are but you could do something like joining a camera club or a ramblers group or some sort of class or group where you can meet people in person or you could volunteer for a charity. That way people would get to know you before ‘writing you off’.
I have a good friend who is incredibly fit and athletic whose partner has very bad arthritis and the drugs he is on now are sort of his ‘last chance saloon’ so to speak but that hasn’t put her off.
Hopefully you will find someone special who can see a bit deeper than the RA label. Good luck.
Hmm - that’s interesting - maybe if she sees you out and about and able to keep up she’ll start to think differently - at least she was decent enough to get in touch to say she had second thoughts and didn’t just disappear. On the other hand you don’t want her to think you are stalking her if you suddenly turn up at ‘her’ group! Why does life have to be so blooming complicated🤔
Do you have a U3A where you live and have you seen this site? meetup.com
I agree with F&N …..& as you are now feeling so able …how about not throwing up your RA until the lady virtually intimates she wants to do something that really would be out of your league…say like Sky Diving ..or maybe you’d like that???
Or how about a singles holiday for your age groupish? When I was single at your age I had some wonderful overseas & UK holidays over all times like but especially over Christmas.As a single lady, I met not only couples who took me & under their wing, but men who joined our threesomes. I’m old enough to be your mother now …well almost…. but I am still in touch with some of these holiday friendships. Only difference is I wasn’t looking for a one & only! But I bet there are ladies on holidays who are!
You have had the courage to say out loud what a lot of people are looking for but keep it to themselves …so keep asking…..you sound a nice honest kind of guy….I really hope you find your lady.
She's not local so that won't be happening I'm afraid. However I did consider dropping the RA bomb after we'd met, for the very reason you suggest. Maybe that's the way to go in future. I'll have a google for U3A. Thanks for the tip.
Perhaps it’s more about the withholding of information that’s got to her as it might appear dishonest. I’m not saying you are of course but why tell anyone unless the relationship becomes serious? Your health is your business it’s not like your moving in together next week and need nursing care or your thinking of having children this year ! As some meds do affect fertility. Of course if any relationship is based on lies it may run into trouble but even so if your leading a normal life and RA isn’t a big deal, then I don’t understand why you need to divulge personal information to what is really a stranger. I’d suggest if things move on then it may be time but realistically who at 67 hasn’t got some major or minor health issues. So I’d say forget her and join a club, play some golf or go to the pub and when you least expect it then you may just click with a potential soul mate.
PS I’d reply to her text that it’s a shame as you enjoy adventure holidays to see glaciers, go to festivals etc and whilst having RA will not be requiring extra help to walk, dance, swim or even white water raft, or ski however do enjoy the company of people less prejudiced than those make decisions based on their own ignorance or something like that. lol x
Thanks for this, you make some very good points. I did consider asking her to say exactly why she ended it but concluded that she'd made her mind up so no point trying to convince her how wrong she was about me. Thanks again for your reply.
I think keep it out of discussion for now, a few dates in and they “ see you” as you are and not as a “disease”’and if not aware of RA and don’t have the knowledge it can be scary too for them, plus if not explained in the correct way, it might be too much information too soon.
Remember as you get older they get older and who knows what life will throw at them.
Thanks for your advice on this and your good wishes. I did fear when I posted that I'd be told I must be upfront from the outset, so it's nice to see that a couple of you here have advised otherwise
Plenty of good advice above. Putting in my pennies worth I'd say let a person see you as you and not labelled. You don't need to say I've got this or that at first meeting/ conversation. Wishing you the very best.
Hi best of luck with dating as others have said most people have some medical issue by the time they are 67 she may well have too. A lot of people don't understand RA either I would get to know someone first and has you share information and learn about each other it could come up then.
Thanks for this. It's been good to see that everyone who has replied agrees with that view. It will give me confidence that it's the right way to go in future.
as you are doing well and living a normal life I don’t think it’s something you need to mention until you’ve actually known somebody for a few dates at least. Good luck and hope you find a soulmate soon.
I read your post with some interest as I am in a similar position.
As I too have integrity, I would always mention RA at some point and yes it is an issue for most people. However, if a person is not willing to talk it through and try to understand the complexities of the condition and treatments, they are not the person for me.
Even when the medication is giving us freedom in the form of remission, we don’t know how long that will last and can therefore never give any reassurance that we will stay well. This puts us in a difficult position, and for me, a single life seems to be the only option… but hope springs eternal.
Sorry, but it's not like you have terminal cancer. I would leave that admission until you get to know someone. The lady may have googled about RA and presumed the worst. Also at our age people don't want to take on "baggage" but we all have it to some degree!!
Thanks for your reply. I agree as does everyone else who has replied I'm happy to say!
Hmm baggage, I've seen dating profiles stating that the person wants no-one with baggage. We've all got baggage if we've lived a life-it makes us who we are.
I agree let people meet you the person first before you tell them. I met my husband online and I didn’t feel I had to tell anyone my health record on my bio. Speaking as a woman over 50 I’m sure most ladies over a certain age have something or other going on, blood pressure, diabetes, menopause etc but don’t feel they have to say it in an introduction!! Iike has already been said if someone doesn’t like you having RA they aren’t the person for you and it says more about them as person than it does you. Good luck and don’t be disheartened not all ladies are the same.
You make some good points. I suspect part of the problem is that at my age, there is so much riding on a good outcome. If it had worked out and then failed after say three years, we'd both be 70 and goodness knows how hard trying to date would be-it's tough enough now! At the same time I do believe that you're better off alone than with the wrong person.
Good morning, I'm very happy for you that you get on so well. I'd always be upfront about having RA but also explain that you are not affected or limited by it. Good luck.
I've had RA since I was 24, I'm now 45 and been married 8 years. I've had people dump me when they found out I had RA. I was thankful they did before I got too attached. My RA has not been well controlled and there is no hiding the bone deformation. Don't let the shallow people bring you down. Online dating is brutal. Have you tried any local groups, art classes etc? I found my husband in the pub. 😀
Thanks for your reply and kind words. It was certainly better to find out now rather than later. You are dead right about online dating, it is brutal....and expensive. I really should consider other avenues. I was a Nat Trust member some time ago, maybe I should rejoin.
hi Soulman Paul. Great that you’re done so well health-wise, but I agree with the others, absolutely no need to mention RA to anyone at this stage. Let them get to know YOU and see how things go before saying anything.
Hi Paul, I think you had a lucky escape, especially if the woman is a similar age to yourself. I have Psoriatic Arthritis and struggled until my meds really kicked in. Now, I'm rarely aware of my condition but found that I had to slow down for a while because of my husband's health! He had always been fit, strong and active but then injured his knee and needed surgery, so when we went walking it was HIS issues that limited our speed and distance. At our age (we are also in our 60s) any number of health problems can crop up unexpectedly and you are probably in a better position to deal with this than she is, as you are already in the system and have access to regular health checks. She is a bit short-sighted and naïve if she assumes that YOUR health will be the only problem.
I had already been married for some time when I was diagnosed. However, I did meet my husband through internet dating (we've now been married over 20 years). My advice would be to try to restrict your search to people who are fairly local so you can meet as soon as she feels safe, to make the relationship as natural as possible. And make sure you are clear that you have sufficient shared interests - physical attraction is not enough. Honesty is absolutely vital to me but, given that you are currently well, I wouldn't tell her about the RA until you can do so face-to-face, unless she specifically asks about your health. But don't wait TOO long. When I met my hubby, my biological clock was ticking and I really wanted children, but on our second date he mentioned that he had had a vasectomy (he already had 3 kids). I walked away, initially, because I had always wanted children but he was very understanding and we had got on well, so he invited me for dinner, just as a friend. The rest, as they say, is history... If the connection is strong enough, the relationship can last.
Many thanks for your great advice and good wishes. I was particularly struck by your reference to how much more able those of us with long term conditions are at dealing with things. It reminded me just how resilient we are compared to many people-I thank you for that!
Hi Paul. It's not often you find people on HU talking about dating 😂. You may be a first! Most times it's the last thing on people's minds but I get it and it is relevant of course because having RA and many other health conditions can impact people's ability to do a lot of things they would like to do. I think she has over reacted because it's not like you have asked her to get married is it? Initially it would only be companionship and chat. Nevertheless, it's her choice and if I was you, I wouldn't waste my time pondering about the why's and wherefores. You have a new found vigour and relief from pain. Make the most of it. Get out there instead of online attempts at dating. That way you don't have to reveal or explain anything because women can see for themselves and make their decision based on what they see and hear. Someone mentioned singles holidays. I think that's the way forward for you if you are financially able. Saga holidays maybe. I have a cousin who's been a widow for many years now and she recently went on a cruise for the first time. It was just for a week but she got so much male attention she didn't know which way to turn 🤣...... and she's 73!
Hi Paul you raise some interesting points also congratulations on the weight loss and good to hear you aren't in pain.RA is effected by sugar, aprently it forms crystals coursing Irritation and swelling so loosing weight helps tremendously.
As your experiences trying to find a partner. I feel for you, I've got this whole thing about being truthful. Unfortunately when i was on dating sites ( many years ago) looking at people's profile pictures and compared to how they actually look, a lot of people stretch the truth. A twenty year old photo is still technically them lol
I feel the person is more important than their looks (obviously there has to be some attraction) this is someone who you are going to potentially spend the rest of your life with. Do you want to be with someone who is put off by ( in your case) a slight disability.
Saying that from their point of view I can understand not wanting to be a carer pushing a wheel chair around . They want someone they can share experiences with.
Hence your comment being so interesting, you address something alot of people with disabilities have .
Alot of the problems are due to lack of understanding. "Ra ow my gord I can't be stuck with someone who has that"......
Talking on the phone only gives you an impression of the person. Using video helps because you can see the person how they move their body language. But it's still not actually being with them walking talking .
If they met you they could see how it doesn't effect you, so in your case I would suggest avoiding the subject of disabilities. Obviously don't lie if they ask but put it across in a positive light.
I've got a spinal injury along with RA, if I can find someone I'm sure you can. It just has to be the right person.
Thanks for this-what a great reply! I did originally plan to disclose my RA after we'd met in person as she'd have seen for herself how little I'm affected. As it turned out she was telling me all about some health issues she had and I felt obliged to mention mine. I thought if I didn't, she might have felt aggrieved when I eventually did-'you should have told me then'!
It's been nice to learn that everyone who has replied has been in accord about the way forward. It's given me confidence for the future.
I can't help with dating advice, but I find when I tell older people I have RA they look very concerned and mention old people they used to know who were in wheelchairs due to the RA. So when I tell older people now, I try to say it in a casual manner and always follow it up with how great the medication is these days and that it's nothing like it used to be. Sometimes I have to mention how awful wikipedia is for health stuff, I've to ram it into my dad's head that I am not going to predecease him! (barring car accidents etc...)
The last time I spoke to her, we had exactly the discussion you mention, about how things have improved for people with RA and how bad it was back in the day. I really thought she got it but clearly not. Oh well I live and learn!
My advice for what it’s worth would be to not mention fact you have RA in the first instance, after all it doesn’t define you as a person. If you meet someone, then after a while you let them know, and if they aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship because of that, then they were not worth it in the first place - there are many shallow people around now unfortunately. 😔
Get back out there and give it a go, you know your own worth ☺️ and I’m sure you will meet someone lovely who will stick by you through the good and bad times.
Hi SoulmanPaulSome great advice for you here. I'd just like to say that I've had sJIA since I was five and initially I had a mindset that nobody would want me because of my disability. I struggled through with a cheating boyfriend because I thought it was better than nothing, but after many years realised that actually I was better than that and deserved somebody who genuinely liked me for who I was, so I ended it.
I had a few casual relationships and went down a slippery slope for, but I eventually went on a date with a chap who knew my brothers and remembered me being in callipers at school. We were instantly attracted to each other through our personalities. He didn't know the extent of my disease, and was warned about my disability by others. However, he'd had a seven year relationship that had been quite controlling and wasn't put off. We have been together now for 33 years, married 27 years and have a 19 year old daughter.
We've had some ups and downs and my JIA has caused stress for us both at times, but also other things in life have too, and we've navigated around them. He's very supportive and encouraged me to write my memoir, which I did.
So the moral of my story is that not everybody is put off by illness and disease. Love is in the eye of the beholder and there will be someone out there for you who is genuine and not blinded by a disease that actually by the sounds of it is in remission.
So, don't give up. Try joining groups that light you up, and do stuff that you feel is right for you. I'd continue online dating but maybe remove that you gave RA for now, especially as you wouldn't know you've got it and get to know people instead. Loads of luck and let us know how you get on. 😊 xx
I should add that I was diagnosed with Stills long before internet dating aged 17 in 1979. My first husband was fully aware as is my second of my limitations and the help I require with basic daily tasks. I had two sons and a career, although not my chosen one as Stills did prevent that as I wanted to join the RAF like my parents. My last employer even took out insurance against me becoming to ill as I was the revenue producer. Any way my point is that people generally make allowances, adapt, are keen to help and if sincere will not be swayed by your condition. Keep dating, keep smiling good luck .
Hi soulman, just wanted to say I agree with everyone, re no need to feel you have to disclose your health issues early on. I would wait till you’ve had a few F2F dates, when they can be reassured how little it impacts you. These days with the meds available, it doesn’t have to be the scenario that was all too common years ago. Joining a local group, that do something that interests you, like a rambling club, may be a good way to meet others. I do hope you find your soul mate soon, you seem a really nice guy. There response says more about them, and the fact they come to the wrong conclusions, because they don’t want sit and talk about it, says more about them than you. Wishing you luck going forward, take care 🤗
Hi Runrig,Thank you so much for your advice and kind wishes. When every one of the many lovely people have advised the same, then it must be right! I'll be going forward with renewed confidence and hope for the future.
Diagnosed 4 years ago but not as lucky as you, still having flair ups. Gave up dating 3 years ago coz too much effort explaining. What got me most some people did not believe me!! Couldn't cope with the line 'but you look great'!! If I heard that one more time I could have been up for murder😜. Good luck with it. There are understanding people out there.
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