I am going to crypus on Friday on my own for the first time to see my twin sister. My partner Jim has terminal cancer has insisted that I go! He says he would be very angry if I stayed with him even though he is dying. So on Friday I will say my goodbyes for the last time!
He has decidely been worse since he left hospital on Wednesday. He is in renal failure! I have been looking after him and going to work, but his kids came yesterday and I said I need help!! I cannot do this on my own and I am going on holiday on Friday, your dad knows about it! His daughter said don't you want to look after him? But I have been doing it since he was diagnosed!! I said can't you come and stay with him for the next few weeks? She said I have bills to pay on my place, I also have my rent and bills too! It's not just the matter of staying over night it's getting meals ready and encouraging him to eat, putting up with him being angry while trying to entice him too eat something. His daughter was a carer until a week ago so she knows what all of this is!
Jim has agreed to look at a hospice and hopefully going into one very soon.
Sorry for the rant, but I am very emotional and trying to work this situation. His daughter said with you going on holiday you have to understand he may die while your there! I love my guy but I can't be there at the end! Does that make me selfish? I know everyone will look down at me but it is what it is!!!
Thank you for listening.
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Carolsos
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I think you’re doing the right thing in going to see your sister. You must be exhausted after the stress of the past few months. Jim sounds happy for you to go to Cyprus, and perhaps it’s time for his children to step up. Hopefully a hospice place will be found for him. Sending gentle hugs to you.
Carol, it's down to what you want & how you deal with it. You're the only consideration.
When my Dad was in hospital with cancer I wanted to cancel a planned holiday but my Dad wouldn’t have it. He wasn’t considered terminal & was undergoing treatment. The first week away he died so of course we got the earliest flights back we could which meant into Heathrow business class & the shuttle to Manchester. Not that it meant we could do anything but I needed to be there.
I'm convinced he knew he was near the end & why he sent me away, he didn’t want me there for the best reasons being his only one.
I completely understand why you don't wish to be there because in hindsight I didn’t either. The thing is his family need to step up now, you’ve decided you're going to Cyprus & let's face it, you've been there for him all through this, they've no right to hang it on you now. It's not a case of being selfish, not that I think you are.
Enjoy your time with your sister Carol. Some warmth on your joints & relaxation is well overdue. x
And can you enjoy a break if your'e every waking moment is spent worried about Jim. I don't understand why your even worried what anyone else thinks but on here I definitely replied to someone in extreme angst over a much loved partner but won't say anymore if he only has a few days left ! it does seem that your in need of a break but is that really not secondary to having the privilege of being there at the end. I'd consider that something you may go to your grave regretting as I did as wasn't there to say goodbye to someone and that was because it was a sudden thing and I was away and could not get a flight back in time by hours. I'm just wishing you well and its your life and relationship to do with as you will.
Such difficult and emotional times for Jim and you. I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and if I could wrap a big blanket around you both I would. Take care xx
no you are not being selfish as Jim gets you need the time out for you and he accepts the end game. Too many people ignore death but we all have to go to that place and how we do it should be the way we want too,as much as possible
. For Jim I sense he knows you need the time out and there is not anything you can do. You have done all you can and he knows this. That is love not measuring time and emotion and being there at the end which makes no difference to Jim as he will know you are on holiday for a much needed break. I bet that will make him happy
Hope that makes sense and if he dies whilst away raise a glass to the moon and celebrate the good memories.x
Deeb has put it much better than I can but I agree that you have to follow your gut instinct and it's obvious that Jim thinks that this is the right thing for you both. When my Mum was in the hospital at the end, we went to visit and I took one look at her and fled in tears. She was unconscious (head injury at 96) and unaware of anything but looked so awful that I couldn't bear to look at her. My husband kissed her for me and we left and she died a few hours later. I had cared for her up to that final hospital stay and had spent the previous week searching for a care home which could take her and that, combined with dealing with the hospital and my husband's recent stroke meant that I was just spent. Later, a friend described how she sat by her Mum's bed for days so that she could be with her at the end (she didn't know what I'd done) and although I felt a pang of guilt, I realised that each of us had done what was right for us and our loved ones. I focus on the good memories now and on the fact that I did a lot for my Mum while she was alive and that she told me how grateful she was for that and don't worry about that one time when it was just too much for me - and I know that she would say that I had done the right thing.
I completely agree with this. I think guilt after is extremely hard to deal with but knowing you did everything to care for them the entire time should help that. My brother and my husband had both passed away and with both of them I did everything to take care of them but wasnt there when the time came by chance and i hold no guilt. They know how much I love them. Now I take care of my mother who is paralyzed and of course I constantly worry but the only person who i worry about what they think is them and they know I cared for them more than anyone they would never love us any less if we werent there when they pass. You arent doing it out of malice you need a break. Caring for someone is not easy especially when you have your own health issues. I also saw sat with my step mom while on hospice until the very end and it was so painful to watch. I dont think they necessarily want their loved ones to witness that
Jim obviously wants you to go and you are worn out and weary and desperately need a break. I don’t think you are being selfish at all you have been very good to him and you’ve done more than your fair share already, you’ve had so much heart break plus you have carried on working throughout it all. You have absolutely no need to feel guilty about not being there at the end although I think you might need to brace yourself for criticism from his children. I’d say they need to step up and help especially if his daughter has been a carer she must know how much is involved. I think you’re right - he knows he’s dying and wants to spare you.
My own mother had a stroke years ago. I drive straight from the south of England up Glasgow, I visited every visiting hour plus extra sessions for three weeks, she was in a coma after the first weekend. I went to have lunch one day with a former neighbour - rushed back straight to the hospital, I thought she looked different as I approached the bed. Turned out she had only gone and died! I told the nurses I thought she was dead - what a flap! ‘But I’d only just checked her before I went on my break’ said the horrified nurse. Like I said you can die in a heartbeat.
A GP I had to visit for more prescription tablets said it is quite common for people to die the moment a relative steps out of the room.
Besides, it’s not as if you’re going to Cyprus to party, you will think of him from there. Make sure that the hospice he goes to know about you and will speak to you about his health if you phone to ask about him. (((Big hugs)))
yes sometimes I think that they even wait so the loved one doesn't see them pass. I also agree there may be criticism from the children but that may be bc emotions are high at a time like this especially if they havent been the ones caring for him. They may feel guilty after but either way she has done so much it should have been a team effort not her doing it on her own that is so much to deal with physically and emotionally
You have needed a break for some time. His children have no right to take things out on you. Have a lovely holiday with your sister. Maybe give the ‘hospice search’ over to the hospital/ his family. You are emotionally battered and need a rest.
you need to go and see your sister. Ignore the selfish daughter. Don’t worry about what people might think. It’s yours and Jim’s decision. You need the rest xxxxx
You can deal with the situation any way you want…..it is your absolute right to cope the way you feel you can …..and only you know what that is….and nobody will ever look down on you.
My God Carol. What an emotional situation. I really feel for you. Your partner sounds like a lovely man. It sounds like he would feel guilty if you cancelled your holiday & to be honest. Maybe he doesn’t want you there when it happens. You’re obviously a lovely wife & mother. You’ve been working so hard. You really do deserve to get away. It does seem as if your daughter should take over the reigns & hopefully you’ll be able to find a hospice. Good luck with everything. X
Jim's children should be praising you and your devoted care not giving you grief. You have enough of that already. Guilt, maybe on their part for not being there for him. You are spent from all your care for him and others and working all through this while having RA. You have been a superwoman! It's time for you to recover and recuperate and care for yourself now. Sending hugs
Awww Carolsos you've enough to deal with without the guilt trip from his daughter.
Jim has insisted you go, you both know the situation so this resolution is between you and Jim, not the rest of the family. Course I've no doubt the daughter & his other children are in pain about their dad's imminent death so not responding well to things.
Hospice care is such a good idea often proves to be the solution, I've known many unsure at first then glad they went there, worked out for everyone all round in the end. The hospice staff know how to support family as well as caring for the terminal patient.
In the end Carol there's no typical way to approach this so do what is best for your health as well as loving for Jim.
Try to relax, get the benefit of being some where warmish, sunny, & being with your sister.
We all deal with life's problems in different ways and deal with grief in different ways. No one, but no one has the right to comment on the decisions both you and Jim make. Only the two of you understand your relationship and your most intimate psychological moments. From what you write in your post it seems to me that you have a strong relationship that doesn't need either of you to abide by what others say or think. Simply put it is not their place to comment.
If you love your partner, and he loves you, the right decision will come out. Forget what others say. It seems they are not helping. Your Jim is on your side, and as long as he has the care he needs, you must "feel" the decision out. As it has to be decision you can live with. Sending best wishes in your difficult time.
I feel so hurt for you and angry at his children. If your partner wants you to go then he is telling you his feelings. He will know you cannot cope with him going and this may be his kindness to you. Do what is right for you and your partner you must be close to breaking right now please take care of yourself.💛
I cannot stop crying no matter where I am, just talking to my sisters and sudden bursting into tears!! I am not taking any time of work until I absolutely have too. Work is a distraction from all of what is going on. It's always busy to at work!! But the only disadvantage is I am absolutely shattered!! Am getting so many headaches I think with the stress of everything. Take care.
Drink plenty of water maybe even try some Kalms crying is a release from stress, not something to be stopped. Know how you feel about work being a distraction from what's going on in your life, you know yourself don't deviate from your thoughts. Life is a hard path but you know your capabilities stay as strong as you can for this moment in time.
Oh Carol I feel for you. I have been absent from the group for a while as I have also been looking after my husband who is terminally ill. I understand how hard it is caring for someone who you love who is so ill. It's physically and mentally exhausting. It's your decision what you do and you don't need approval from anyone because they are not in your situation. There are no wrongs and no rights in a situation like this because only you and your partner can choose. It's a very personal and individual choice and nobody should judge you. I am sure if your partner had said he wanted you by his side you would have stayed but he said he wants you to go. So yes it's time his daughter stepped up and facilitates your break. It's her father after all and it shouldn't be just your responsibility to care. She really should be grateful that you have taken such good care of her Dad thus far. Go with a clear conscience knowing you have done your best and now you need a rest. See your sister and let her give you a big hug. You deserve it. XXX😘. Lots of loveLinda
Thank you Linda, am sorry to hear of your husband's illness. No one prepares you for what all of this entails looking after your loved ones when they are this ill. His daughter has agreed to come and look after her dad and stay here. I had said am going on holiday for ages but only now they had listened and it has pushed them into making a decision and his daughter has agreed to come and live with her dad. I will still visit and still stay over.
Glad to hear that Carol. Sometimes we have to stick up for ourselves and speak loudly for people to see and hear. The old saying "don't judge until you have spent time in someone else's shoes" is true.
It's between you and Jim. He wants you to go...insists...and you need that time with your sister. Nobody has the right to judge you.Life is complicated. And as I was once told, 'there's never a convenient time to be born, or to die'.
Your love for Jim, and his for you, is beyond doubt.
It doesn't make you selfish at all Carol! You are the one who has suffered with him and been there for him in the first place. I found that when caring for mum, if I ever mentioned I was going on holiday, even though mum had agreed to it, people who'd never been there for her were suddenly shocked and angry...... hmm I wonder why? My first holiday in years! Could it be that they are thinking oh the carer is going, not sister etc but the carer, that means for 1 week I'll have to care for them. Shock! Horror! Or could it be that their own guilty conscience had come to the fore and they were finally realising it? You need this Carol for you and in a way Jim needs it. Time to start looking after no.1 YOU. If sadly Jim does pass away whilst you're away then you will still have done your best and still cared. It might not feel like it, but your conscience should be clear, and if people do make snide remarks as happened in my family to me, then as as hard as it may seem, may be it's time to decide you don't need them in you life anymore for the sake of your own health.
Though I understand the stress you are under and the fear of seeing him pass away I personally would be there with him with the help of his kids. I could not live with myself if I left and went on holiday while my love transitioned to heaven. There are times that you have to think of someone else instead of yourself and this is one of them. After his passing I would go be with my sister so you can grieve. This is how I feel and you may not so you have to do what you feel.
Only you can decide what's right for you. No one else has walked in your shoes.I'm a firm believer in "you make the decision that's right, at the time you make it."
I'd say you're a strong lady doing what's right for you and that is to be admired.
oh this is so difficult for both of you , if this is he’s wish we try to respect it, sometimes when you are a carer you go into burnout, as I worked in a nursing capacity for a few years I have worked with so many people who have said I wish someone would just give me a break . I am sending strength and prayers to you both 🙏
I haven't spoken to you before but have been reading your posts on here and you have all my sympathy for the situation you have been in.
I have a suggestion - perhaps rather than saying you are going on holiday, you could say rather that Jim insists on you going to stay with your twin sister because you are having a nervous breakdown and cannot take anymore. It would be a far more accurate description of the situation, I doubt the pair of you are going to go out clubbing. She just happens to live in a tourist destination.
Hi lovely , do what's in your ❤️ heart. You both talked about his preferences, your both adults with your own ideas of what you want , so it's only fair you follow his wishes. It's a terrible time for you and I send you both lots of love.
Tell him what he means to you before you go so that you have no regrets. It sounds as though you have given him a lot of care and need a break. There is no wrong or right way to do these things, only what feels best for you. Caring is tiring and hard work in all ways. It takes a toll. All those who matter had talked to you to say go, and he will have good care in your absence by the sound of it.
Go and unwind and enjoy yourself. Life will change. You are not selfish. If he is happy and will be getting enough care. Fear can drive us when we are uncertain about how we will cope. The weird thing is we often do (cope) when we have to. Dying is a hard road for you all. I hope you both have the support of a hospice or cancer care organisation. They can make all the difference in the home or in a hospice. All the best to you.
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