Feeling left out!

[Carolsos]

My partner Jim's brother and sisters did a surprise visit for him yesterday, they all live in Scotland! I am as well as his daughter and son are on a chat with everyone apart from Jim. We discuss how he is doing and normally any messages get put on there! So you can imagine my surprise that all his family are here without a word to me?? They instead communicated between themselves to visit and deliberately missed me out. I feel very let down and so upset as I thought we all had a close bond! The fact that they all knew a few days before and didn't let me into this news!! I would have said that is a brilliant idea and Jim will love it!! I think it's because I don't live with him that I am not invited! Am so gutted!!

[sylvi]

That was a bit rude of them darling. xxxx

[Neonkittie17]

You mean they physically visited him or did an online get together? Sorry wasn’t sure from your message what you meant. Either way that’s not very kind of them. 😑

[Carolsos in reply to Neonkittie17]

They visited his house! Physically! They stayed at the local BB

[Neonkittie17 in reply to Carolsos]

Gosh that is strange, Carol. I think you can either let it go as it could cause you more upset/stress that you don’t need at the mo, or if you speak to one of the family on the phone/online soon you could say I would like to meet up too next time you guys arrange to come down. 💗 I also thought like Maureen said that they might have thought it could place you under pressure of you tried to invite them to your place, etc., but they could have arranged to meet you and then gone for a coffee/cuppa at least. Hugs to you. Then I see they went to his house. 🤷‍♀️

[LinaM]

How mean of them ! I guess you know where you stand with them …. It’s very disappointing to be left out . Sending you a hug xx

[Runrig01]

that does seem unkind. Is it perhaps they were worried, you would want to start preparing meals and taking on the stress of finding them accommodation on, when you’re already dealing with so much. Have you approached them about it, they may have a simple explanation. Take advantage and give yourself some TLC. 🤗

[rabbits65]

if it were me in your situation I think I would feel like approaching them all and asking the question why? With me I like to know the reasons because I don’t like things left up in the air…. Unless your the sort of person that can put it all behind you and just get on and enjoy your life and not worry or think too much about it.

[Boxerlady]

I can understand why you're upset - I would be too. It's hard but maybe you need to think whether it's better to challenge them in some way (and risk alienating them further) or try to ignore it (after screaming into a pillow and calling them every name under the sun under your breath!)Maybe you could think about composing a message to put on the chat saying that you hope that they had a lovely visit but you were a little surprised not to have been told?

When I've been in a situation with friends when I had to decide whether to challenge them, I have tried to imagine how I would feel if they responded a) b) or c) and whether any of those reactions would have actually made me feel worse and/or extended the disagreement and whether I was willing to risk the possibility of things escalating.

[Carolsos]

I have decided not to do anything as much as it hurts me! Once when the end comes I will have nothing to do with the rest of the family!

[Deeb1764 in reply to Carolsos]

I think this is best its a lot of negative energy that you don't have spare right now to give. You and Jim know where you stand with each other and in the end that is all that matters x

[Chockyuk in reply to Carolsos]

I agree, I would do the same, it’s not worth upsetting or stressing yourself out, although I do understand how you feel. People can be thoughtless, but for your own mental health it’s best to let it go.

Big hugs to you, you’re going through a very difficult time at the moment, my thoughts are with you and your family. 💕💕

[Fruitandnutcase]

Wow! I’m speechless. Hard to know what to say really. Do you think the daughter who is going for the carer’s allowance has passed herself off as the one who is looking after him rather than you?

It’s very unkind whatever the reason is though. I suspect if you say anything the family will close ranks and you will end up with a huge bust up which will be very upsetting for you - much worse than this. x

[Carolsos in reply to Fruitandnutcase]

It does hurt not being involved and as much as I love them, this breaks my heart! And as I said when this is all over we will never see each other again! It makes it so difficult for me as I felt we very close.

[Fruitandnutcase in reply to Carolsos]

It’s horrible, not surprised you are feeling so hurt by what they’ve done, especially as you felt so close to them.

[Plumcrumble]

Hi Carolsos, yes I would be upset and angry aswell, have you seen them or have they gone home if they've gone home, I would put something on chat to say that you were disappointed not to have seen them and make them feel guilty, sending love to you 💕

[Haz58]

Hi Carol. I can imagine you feel totally left out! But I'd say the same as Boxerlady. You've had so much stress. To send them a message saying how lovely they got to visit Jim and it was a surprise when you heard as you hadn't seen any messages saying they were coming. I'd also put it would have been lovely to have seen them but maybe next time. I think that makes you the better person. Perhaps they didn't want you running around after them. Who knows what goes through people's heads sometimes. I had CBT counseling during the pandemic and it taught me to look at things in different ways. To not expect others to think as kindly as I do or expect them to act as I would act. It's a very difficult thing to do when when you are very disappointed or angry. Just try to take it as it happened, whatever you say/don't say isn't going to change it. Save yourself the stress and possible fall out. Sending hugs Xxx

[Carolsos]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this, I have commented on their pictures on face book and everyone in his family are there except me! But I will be the bigger person and send a message wishing then a safe journey home. Thank you

[Neonkittie17 in reply to Carolsos]

Yes, rise above them, lovely lady. I hope they’ll realise they’ve been remiss. They don’t deserve you. x

[Boxerlady]

I applaud you for your kindheartedness and level-headedness in such stressful circumstances. You are one amazing woman! 💪👏 💐

[oldtimer2]

Who knows what goes through other people's heads! Unless we ask, of course, and sometimes they tell us truthfully.

But it would be a pity to sever your links with the rest of the family over it. I would be inclined to to thank them (you can be generous) for such a good thought. Then mention that you were surprised not to know in advance.

You might find that they were being considerate, or just thoughtless. People are odd.

[Gnarli]

Trying very hard to be charitable here. Perhaps as said previously, they were hoping to spare you more work or perhaps they just didn't think about your feelings. People can do hurtful things simply because they are so focused on their feelings they forget other's. This is a truly nasty experience for all. I'm sure you can be the bigger person here

[Pippy25]

So sorry to hear this but always remember while you can't control the way others behave (as sad as it is to hear they have done this) but you can control the way you respond. Sometimes people do things for a reaction, my stance is I don't give them one, or the one they were not expecting if you do have to respond. At the end of the day it's Jim and yourself who matter most. Take care xx

[medway-lady]

They may feel that family is family and that some things are just not meant to be offensive but they need to express to each other how they feel which is not something that even though you are Jim’s partner are involved in but are simply private. Try not to see this as being an action against you but about them as a family unit. It is hard but the family unit is important and if you were living together it might be different but even so I’m hoping that you can all pull together and see a way forward in the bigger picture of Jim’s final days. So try not to overthink anything or see it as being excluded as if there is not long left you may spoil your memories of him. Stay positive and look after yourself too. Even think could they have been trying to protect you as after your holiday which you needed for your mental health and so might be feeling a bit fragile still.

[BonnieG123]

I would feel as hurt as you do. I’m sorry you have to face this. You be the strong and gracious one. Smile when you don’t want to.

[Shellymay21]

Hi Carol, I think they have been extremely selfish myself l would write on the group chat "Hey great seeing you guys we ALL should meet up again very soon 🤔"

Sometimes certain people don't deserve our company anyway WE are in a league of our own Kind, Loving and Caring people like us get pushed to the back spoken to when someone is wanting something from us/you and that seems to be the only time they want to know you to get something they want, well sod them Enjoy your life concentrate on yourself and Jim and forget the Black sheep as thats what l do now Sending you big hugs take care xx

[cross2]

Hi Carol, Their action is hurtful and sad but I know through experience that sometimes in situations like this were a loved one is nearing the end of life, people are just not thinking straight. They do and say things that in normal circumstances just would not be said or done. You are doing the right thing, holding unto hurt and angry effects and eats you up no one else. Let it go when you can and don't carry this around with you. You can hold you head up and know you did you best for Jim and really he is the only one that matters. Blessings

[Shellymay21]

Shellymay21

Hi Carol

I think they have been extremely selfish myself l would write on the group chat "Hey great seeing you guys we ALL should meet up again very soon 🤔"

Sometimes certain people don't deserve our company anyway WE are in a league of our own Kind, Loving and Caring people like us get pushed to the back spoken to when someone is wanting something from us/you and that seems to be the only time they want to know you to get something they want, well sod them Enjoy your life concentrate on yourself and Jim and forget the Black sheep as thats what l do now Sending you big hugs take care xx